Should I confront the guy my girlfriend cheated on me with?

[Guest]

I was in a similar situation once. You should definatly confront him. Dont touch him but let him know you mean business. In my situation ther was more involved(than kissing). I showed up at his work and called his ass out in front of every one and layed into him. If he tries to talk tell him to stfu. I went so far as to beg him to hit me, i even punched myself in the face. He was ****ting him self.

 

As for the girl its up to you. If you love her enough it maybe worth another shot, however good luck rebuilding your trust

 

Remember bro for every man on this planet there are 5 women. I like your odds.

[amerikajin]

I was in a similar situation once. You should definatly confront him. Dont touch him but let him know you mean business. In my situation ther was more involved(than kissing). I showed up at his work and called his ass out in front of every one and layed into him. If he tries to talk tell him to stfu. I went so far as to beg him to hit me, i even punched myself in the face. He was ****ting him self.

 

And if he'd turned out to be a complete kook maybe you'd be *****ting yourself. Bad advice, I think.

 

I think the thing to do is to move on. Let his friends and everyone else know that he's not to be trusted around women. That'll probably be a far more damaging lesson for him to learn, and it's much safer legally and otherwise.

[Adunaphel]

If this guy was a friend of yours, I second amerikajin's advice.

You might teach this guy a lesson, you won't land yourself in trouble, you will do your common friends a favour. Also, confront him would be okay as long as it does not get physical.

 

If he was basically a casual acquaintance, I suggest that you just forget about doing anything.

 

If you decide to get back together with your girlfriend, you have every right to ask her never to be around him again.

 

About the photos, I understand how you feel about them, but you have no right to ask him to destroy them.

Perhaps if your gf asked him to destroy them, he would agree to.

[transformer]

Thanks for all the posts.

 

I found this "thinking outside the box" response to a similar question at

 

http://www.comcom121.org/gabby/gab19.htm

 

and wanted to hear what you guys thought of it.

 

It's pretty deep/challenging.

 

 

 

Gabby’s Response:

 

Hi Hurting: What a great opportunity to rise above being a victim. Sure you could confront the guy but most likely it would only result in acrimonious exchanges. It would take intention, on your part, to effect a mutually satisfying exchange. No one buys that you are not coming from vindictiveness so the outcome would not be pretty.

 

Let's look at it from an entirely different awesomely challenging viewpoint. Let's just say that unbeknownst to you that it's you who doesn't want to "get away with" what you did.

Would you be willing to look and see that you drove your [girlfriend] into the arms of another man, not just any man but [an acquaintance] at that? Perhaps you believe you've gotten away with having done that.

 

It takes wisdom and considerable courage to look to see that the whole game has been masterminded by you. The poor guy never stood a chance in your drama. Depending upon how powerful you are willing to be, it could be said that you intended for her to seduce him, and to deceive you... to get to this point. Perhaps to acknowledge and let go of your self-righteousness? For certain it's been about you discovering that what you thought was communication was not.

 

You say you forgive her. I don't get it. In the enlightenment game it makes no sense to forgive someone for something you manipulated them into doing, does it? Remember, deceivers always always hang around deceivers. What have you been hiding from her, perhaps even from yourself? I suspect it's the you in him that wants to get caught.

Let's look at it from another point of view. If I now gave you the task, "Do whatever it takes to drive your [girlfriend] into another's arms, but do it so she doesn't know you're doing it" you'd have to look back and see just what you did/did not do, and do it all over again. This time you'd do it consciously. Just because you produced a result unconsciously doesn't mean that you didn't produce it.

 

In a relationship in which there is an experience of communication (open, honest, and spontaneous, zero thoughts withheld) it is virtually impossible for one partner to have thoughts of another except that those thoughts are shared openly and therefore nipped in the bud. That there was deception in your relationship... merely indicates how unconscious you were. You became solidly stuck doing your imitation of communication.

 

If you look into your experience you know that he has paid and quite possibly is still paying. Happiness is still eluding him. There can be no experience of communication (love) if a relationship contains deceit. Concept of love yes, experience of love no.

Responsibility and compassion is what's called for.

 

Relationship Tip: In a committed relationship it works to communicate, if not up front, then right now today, "Can we agree that cheating is tantamount to effecting a [breakup]? I will not grant a second chance on this issue. Is this absolutely clear?" If they sense you are lying, that you will not effect an immediate [breakup], they'll get it. In other words, if you lie to them, (if you don't really mean that you will [breakup with] them) you will discover your lie. Not communicated clearly like this communicates (implies) that you will tolerate and "forgive" cheating. It also implies that you reserve the option to cheat and that you assume they will give you a second chance. This unconscious implied reserved option is why most people don't include the consequences of cheating in their marriage vows.

Here's what I recommend be included in a marriage vow:

"A measure of my commitment to you is to be faithful. To be unfaithful would immediately annul this marriage and forfeit my right to sue for children, alimony, or jointly held possessions."

[CrushedOrgans]

you're not with her anymore, and she cheated on you, so she's obviously not even worth the trouble now.

 

think of it as him helping you realize she's trashy and unlovable. he can do with that info whatever he wants.

 

now you can move on to better things.

[amerikajin]

Dude, only you know whether or not you drove her away. I think it's easy in the immediate aftermath of a break-up to project, to feel the pain and want to deny your responsibility in causing it. But I do know that with more time, a person becomes more objective about the outcome. If a man is honest with himself, he will accept that part of it was most likely her fault, and part of if was most likely his own.

 

Bottom line is, you're broken up. It was obviously meant to be that way. By threatening to kick the other guy's *ss you're only telling both that you've got nothing better to do with yourself, that you're petty and obsess about things you shouldn't. And it also says that you're not mature enough to handle an offense like a rational, mature adult. I think you're wise to have reconsidered your initial urge. Move on, as neither one of them is worth your time anymore. But I would definitely not hesitate to let a few casual acquaintances know that the guy's a snake in the grass and that he's not to be trusted around their women. Just tell the truth in a matter of fact way whenever he comes up.