He wants me to fulfill all his fantasies

[Vanillalover]

I'm so glad I found this board. There is so much going on right now, I don't know where to begin. Sorry if this post rambles, but I need help.

 

My fiance and I have been living together for 3 years and

early in our relationship he shared with me that that

he was very heavily involved the BDSM lifestyle, specifically tying people up. It was apparent early on that these things were of no

interest to me. I tried researching the topic, read

quite few books and even asked him to "introduce" me

to it, but to no avail. He was discouraged after

trying this out with me one or two times because even though I

allowed him to tie me up, I didn't really "get it".

 

After 18 months together, he told me that i was the

one for him and that he would simply put his desire

for bondage aside. I did not ask him to do this, and

actively tried again to learn as much as i could to be

a part of this for him. I love this man and I will do

anything for him. He finally asked me to just stop,

that he had put those things away and that he was

satisfied with online pictures, videos and

communities. I did.

 

Now we are planning to marry and the issue has come up

again. He acknowledges that he cannot put these

feeling aside and that he would like to once again

participate in this kind of activity.

He tells me that he loves me, wants to marry me and

wishes I could be a part of this with him. We have an

active and healthy sex life. I told him that I would try my hardest to participate. Initially he said no, but then he agreed and said that we could start to experiment together. I thought we had reached a happy compromise.

 

Then the other day, he told me that if i am going to be his wife, then I have to promise to "try" to help him achieve all of his sexual fantasies. I know that that includes not just bdsm, but also a threesome with another woman and sex with a transexual (after the surgery) . This is TOTALLY against everything I believe about marriage and fidelity. I told him in no uncertain terms that I do NOT want other people in our bedroom - period. He told me point blank that this is a fantasy that he knows he wants to fulfill and that he can't just put this aside. I'm struggling now because I know that in every other aspect, this man is the man that I want to be with. I'm trying to decide if I can/should give him what he wants, even though I know it will destroy me emotionally.

 

To answer the question that I know will probably be the focus of the responses, I do not believe that he is gay or even bi sexual/curious.

 

The other question i can't seem to figure out is WHY NOW??? I am certain that he has been faithful to me for the 3 years we have been together. Why is this fantasy so freakin important to him? Why would he even make this request when he has known my feelings on the issue since the beginning? I feel like I'm being tested or something, but for what??

 

Bottom line is that I love this man. We are an

intelligent, happy, loving couple and in all other

areas we are thriving. I'm desperate to find some way

to resolve this. If anyone has dealt with this issue

(positive or negative outcome) , please either respond

via web board or email. Thanks in advance for your

help.

[Adora]

This is a difficult situation!

 

First and foremost - don't do anything that you feel you will regret. You should not have to sacrifice your morals in order to please him. I speak from experience.

 

My ex (we were together for 5 years) wanted a threesome. I at first said 'hell no' but he kept pressing the issue and I allowed myself to give in in order to keep peace between us. It was the worse decision I could make. Now - I am not saying ALL relationships who do this will have horrible outcomes, but; be prepared for the worse.

 

My situation was a little different because (I found all this out AFTER the relationship was over) the girl we chose to do this with, well he was cheating with her BEHIND my back. I (as people sometimes fear while engaging in these acts) became very jealous while he was pleasing her. I noticed he was doing things differently with her than he would do with me privately. I at that moment ran out of the room and locked myself in our bathroom sobbing because of what was going on. The jerk that he was just continued and finished her off before he came to check on how I was doing...

 

My relationship with him of course may not be the same as yours, and may not have the same results. But - I would definitely follow your gut instinct and only do what YOU feel comfortable doing. A relationship revolves around 2 people - if he is not satisfied with you alone, well the only thing I can say is that perhaps he is not the one for you.

 

The bit about transexual - I don't even know how to address that issue!

 

Bottom Line: He should respect that you are willing to try certain things - but not force ALL of his fantasies on you. If he can't love you and be there for you in every aspect of your relationship without you changing for him - I'd definitely hold off on the wedding until you both can agree, or figure out how to resolve this.

 

Goodluck to you, and remember you always come first - do not change for anyone.

[whichwayisup]

I honestly don't know for sure what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I just worry for you that whatever efforts you "try" to please him now, won't be enough further down the road and he'll keep wanting more. Neither of you right now can predict if his fantasies and sexual desires can ALL be met by you. And, with that being said, what about YOUR needs. If you change your mind in afew years after being married, and feel that you can't enjoy sex because of his fetish, what then? These unfortunately are things you have to think about...

[Kinger25]

This is TOTALLY against everything I believe about marriage and fidelity.

 

This is a tricky one, but you have pretty much answered your question by yourself with your above quote. You MUST NOT give into your fiancee just to please him. Believe me, it wont work. If you agree to one thing he will then push you to find out whether you are up for participating in more of these so-called fantasies that he is having.

I am a STRONG beliver in the marriage vows and I think that there are SO MANY failed marriages now that you REALLY need to know what you are letting yourself in for before you take that final step.

 

If you are not confortable with a threesome. Dont do it. Final. If he leaves you because you wont share YOUR bed with someone else then he's really not worth it. Cliche' Yes. But True. Listen. You love this man and you say that he loves you. That's what it's all about. Yes. Sex IS important in a relationship but its not the be all and end all. When I asked my current BF what he thought about threesomes, his reply was "No Love, I dont do sharing!!"" I thought that was brilliant. My BF is alot more experimental than me in the bedroom but he would NEVER push me into something that I didn;t feel comfortable with and he certainly wouldn't refuse to marry me becasue I wouldn't have a threesome.

 

Dont get me wrong, I;m not saying I've got it perfect or right by any means. There is no rule book. But you will hate yourself if you do something that goes against your beliefs, Its so refreshing hearing someone like yourself actually stating that you believe in marriage and fidelity.

 

Think for youself. Be Strong and do what YOU think is right. It will all work out in the end.

 

Good lUCK

[tikigods]

Marriage is just as much about YOU as it is about THEM, if you aren't comfortable doing these things, don't give in to them. If he needs all of these things then maybe he needs to find someone else to fullfill them and you find someone else that doesn't have such a lifestyle that would ask you to compromise your morals and ideas

[Guest]

I'm so glad I found this board. There is so much going on right now, I don't know where to begin. Sorry if this post rambles, but I need help.

 

My fiance and I have been living together for 3 years and

early in our relationship he shared with me that that

he was very heavily involved the BDSM lifestyle, specifically tying people up. It was apparent early on that these things were of no

interest to me. I tried researching the topic, read

quite few books and even asked him to "introduce" me

to it, but to no avail. He was discouraged after

trying this out with me one or two times because even though I

allowed him to tie me up, I didn't really "get it".

 

After 18 months together, he told me that i was the

one for him and that he would simply put his desire

for bondage aside. I did not ask him to do this, and

actively tried again to learn as much as i could to be

a part of this for him. I love this man and I will do

anything for him. He finally asked me to just stop,

that he had put those things away and that he was

satisfied with online pictures, videos and

communities. I did.

 

Now we are planning to marry and the issue has come up

again. He acknowledges that he cannot put these

feeling aside and that he would like to once again

participate in this kind of activity.

He tells me that he loves me, wants to marry me and

wishes I could be a part of this with him. We have an

active and healthy sex life. I told him that I would try my hardest to participate. Initially he said no, but then he agreed and said that we could start to experiment together. I thought we had reached a happy compromise.

 

Then the other day, he told me that if i am going to be his wife, then I have to promise to "try" to help him achieve all of his sexual fantasies. I know that that includes not just bdsm, but also a threesome with another woman and sex with a transexual (after the surgery) . This is TOTALLY against everything I believe about marriage and fidelity. I told him in no uncertain terms that I do NOT want other people in our bedroom - period. He told me point blank that this is a fantasy that he knows he wants to fulfill and that he can't just put this aside. I'm struggling now because I know that in every other aspect, this man is the man that I want to be with. I'm trying to decide if I can/should give him what he wants, even though I know it will destroy me emotionally.

 

To answer the question that I know will probably be the focus of the responses, I do not believe that he is gay or even bi sexual/curious.

 

The other question i can't seem to figure out is WHY NOW??? I am certain that he has been faithful to me for the 3 years we have been together. Why is this fantasy so freakin important to him? Why would he even make this request when he has known my feelings on the issue since the beginning? I feel like I'm being tested or something, but for what??

 

Bottom line is that I love this man. We are an

intelligent, happy, loving couple and in all other

areas we are thriving. I'm desperate to find some way

to resolve this. If anyone has dealt with this issue

(positive or negative outcome) , please either respond

via web board or email. Thanks in advance for your

help.

 

 

I am with the others on this one!!! NEVER lower yourself to dirt that is under your feet!!! you need to be very up front and you need to make sure he knows how you feel. The old saying that your parents said, STAND your ground and hold tight to what you belive in and if he loves you then he will respect that and will set aside the issues at hand......

 

However, I will tell you that you will embark on alot of things in life as you marry and you get confortable with each other. I don't belive there is not a woman who has ever not thought about a threesome....I belive that if they say to you that they have not I think that is a lie because we all have fantasies and in a normal world about 90%of women who have thought about it. However the majorty is to guys and a girl. some have it the other way but I myself would not agree to another girl. here is the thing. you must be open to all things now weather you act on them is another..... what I am saying is that he should be able to come to you and say to you I would like to try this...it is then up to you weather you want to or not!!!! rember, spice is good and it will help you in the long run to keep your marrage in a sex paradise for a long time. where is you see most marrages stagnant relationship where there is no spice(like mine) verses a marrage where the couples have said to the other half what he/she wants and likes weather it is role playing,fetishes,threesomes,etc....

 

you know what you are confortable with and what you can do so dont let him push this issue onto you cause you never know if he is fathful..you say in your letter above you know for a fact, sweetie you never know for a fact....you just trust him hole heartedly and that is that. there are such a thing as quickie, I'm going to the store and not return for an hour, fixing the car, you name it. if the things he has mentioned to you is not what you think you would do to provide him his fantasy then is he really the guy for you?

 

You said he will indeed do these fantasies, he is going to weather you want to or not. are you willing to marry someone that cannot respect you even after willing to try most of the things say to you I will do these things you marry and he cheats. then when you find out that he has done these things gotten a sexual transmitted whatever he can get cause you know most at nasty that do these things...I did not say all but most......and you get it and then your life is over.... alot of things to take into consideration.

 

the thing about the transsexual, I really think he is just really into the sex and the body!!!What I mean by this is that he is real into the body... how it looks,feels,and the reaction he gets from touching and things he likes to do and I bet his mind really just wants to see a transexual and what it looks like after the sugery. you know sorta like when he was a kid I bet he always was sneaking a peak at the girls or mom when ever he could. I also wonder if he was sexual abused when he was a child? I am not being mean nor ugly....I do know speaking from expereance that when sexually assulted you either become very sexual and have all these ideas to fullfill a fantasy or you become very withdrawn from sex!!! there is no inbetween. I myself is the sexual side and my best friend she is the withdrawn. I am more preserve though when it comes to sex and she says she has be twested in anykinda way but DOES NOT enjoy it at all. she just does it to keep her husband satisfied. she is 32 and has had several sex partners by all means she is not a hoe at all but she has had a few and she does not enjoy sex because she has never had a orgasam while haveing sex and it is because she thinks sex is nasty and says it makes her feel nasty and unclean. if yiour soon to be husband is intrested in a threesome have you thought about haveing to guys and you? maybe it is the thought of another girl...... you have a right to be sexual but it must be with your standereds not anyone elses. I hope I helped

[Guest]

Marriage is just as much about YOU as it is about THEM, if you aren't comfortable doing these things, don't give in to them. If he needs all of these things then maybe he needs to find someone else to fullfill them and you find someone else that doesn't have such a lifestyle that would ask you to compromise your morals and ideas

 

just as plain as the sheet of paper it can be written on..... you are so wright about not lowering yourself and about the respect thing. I truly belive if this is how he feels and you feel different it will be a constant strugle and strain in the relationship that if you do indeed to marry it will only lead to divorce and will be a heart breaking one. if it is not all wright now and already low respect then comes marrage, then the cheating starts and what happens is children may be born and then they are broken because of something that should have been provented in the very start.....

[luvstarved]

I think that sexually speaking, whatever two consenting adults choose to do is just fine, but the problem is the consenting part.

 

The thing is, if this were just a "one time" deal for him to try something, then maybe it would be ok. However, if it were just a "one time" thing, it probably would not be so vitally important to him and he could just let it go.

 

So we pretty much have to assume that he is essentially asking you to have ongoing participation in sexual activities that you are not comfortable with. If you don't like the idea of these activities now, you will loathe them later if you proceed with his wishes.

 

I do have to give him credit for bringing this up BEFORE you are married. Clearly, you two are sexually incompatible. Sure, you have a great time in the bedroom, but it isn't enough for him, and if not today, eventually he will engage in these behaviors with or without you. Can you live with that?

 

Unfortunately, we have little control over what turns us on. If you've never tried something, there is something of a chance you will like it. But for the most part, I imagine you know your own boundaries.

 

It might seem stupid on the surface for this one aspect to be a "dealbreaker" but it isn't a little thing and will swell in importance over time. You said yourself that you knew it would "destroy you emotionally".

That should make the answer a no-brainer, as tough as it may be to accept.

 

Best wishes

[Ladyjane14]

The fact that the question is of a sexual nature and involves fetish behavior detracts from the real issue. The REAL issue is in defining what "Marriage" means to you and what it means to your boyfriend. Then, making sure your definitions are the SAME.

 

My advice.... don't marry anybody who doesn't share values similar to your own. You can play and have fun, (as long as you remember to play safe ). But life is both too short and too long to be spent in conflict over a difference in fundamental ideals.

 

If you want a faithful man because monogamy is important to your own self-imposed belief system.... this guy isn't for you. He's telling you right up front where his priorities are:

he told me that if i am going to be his wife, then I have to promise to "try" to help him achieve all of his sexual fantasies.

[burning 4 revenge]

and sex with a transexual (after the surgery) .

 

That's so frickin ridiculous. A post-op transexual? What's the point? I mean where's the fun in that? Sheesh, that's not sexually adventurous, you may as well get a woman

[rainfall]

The fact that you are totally against it and he can't live without it should tell you what you need to do. The two of you have too different ideas of what is ok sexually and would be better off breaking up now then having a messy divorce 5 years from now. If you do go through with this I think either he will keep forcing you into behavior that you find unacceptable and you will be miserable, or he will end up cheating on you with someone who will do all the things he has fantasies about.

 

In my opinon threesomes unless both parties are 100% into it are a way to doom a relationship.

[JamesM]

The REAL issue is in defining what "Marriage" means to you and what it means to your boyfriend. Then, making sure your definitions are the SAME.

 

My advice.... don't marry anybody who doesn't share values similar to your own. :

 

 

That quote says it all. He has fantasies that do not comply with your definition...and I believe the correct definition as stated in most vows stated at marriage ceremonies. This means that he is putting his needs ahead of your needs.

 

What should you do? To paraphrase as if I was Ann Landers....run, and be thankful you found out BEFORE you were married rather than after.