stoopid_guy Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I see seperaton as an intermediate step to divorce. You want to split, you seperate, then you divorce. Am I oversimplifying it? Is there a commitment (for some, at least) during the seperation? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 none in my case. But my situation was very abrupt, litterally here today, gone tomorrow. However, I had a commitment to myself and to _my_ marriage, so I took the appropriate time for ME to heal from it all. My exh was seeing someone, and I never saw what he did during separation as breaking his vows. He had already done that before leaving, and the night he left. After that, imo, we were no longer married. But that doesnt mean I just went crazy and slept with every guy i met. I had way too much to deal with to add a romantic headache to the mix Link to post Share on other sites
DieselPWR Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I think it all depends on the specific situation; I am in the same opnion as Dgirl; when my W dissappeared on me, and said some very hateful, nasty things in the following months, I saw my marriage as over, as much as I didn't want it to be; but I am moving on with my life. But again, like girl said, I haven't been out "picking up" girls. I have been out a few times with friends, who happen to be female. But nothing that would even be considered a "date" But back to your question, I think separation will be different for different people. Some see it as time to figure out if divorce is what they want, and some know they want a divorce when they split. But as many will point out, the percentage of those that split with option one in mind, most will end up divorcing anyways. There are other things that come in; property agreements, support, etc. Just my two cents, and you know what they say about opnions......... Me Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Separation is for when you're not absolutely sure you want a divorce, IMO. Otherwise why spend the money to file the paperwork?? In your case SG why don't you separate in hopes to help push your wife to make some necessary changes?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Separation is for when you're not absolutely sure you want a divorce, IMO. Otherwise why spend the money to file the paperwork?? Actually, in Virginia it's also a legal requirement unless there are extreme circumstances, one year if there are kids. In your case SG why don't you separate in hopes to help push your wife to make some necessary changes??It's going to happen. Planning/organizing now. On the other hand, part of me says wait until after the holly-daze... It just strikes me how many folks think of seperation as a way to fix/improve the marriage. Different strokes, I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 It just strikes me how many folks think of seperation as a way to fix/improve the marriage. Different strokes, I guess... I once upon a time thought that ~ sixteen years ago. Now? Its pretty much on if I hear the words: "I'm not happy!" "I want a divorce!" "I need time and space!" "I love you, but I'm not in love with you!" "I think we should separate!" Not a problem! I'm going to be the answer to your dreams! And, its going to be quick, fast, and furious, its not going to be pretty, and its not going to be fun ~ and there's not going to be any back-peddling. There won't be any begging, pleading, crying, ripping out hair, nor wearing and ripping of sack-cloth. There will just be her sitting on the curb with that look on her face saying "WTF Happened!" These days, I 'roll with" Mr. T, and Mr. Reality and we all three don't play! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 SG- I'd wait until after the holidays with your kids. Seriously. I moved out in the beginning of Dec when I got divorced and it was awful on everyone. Gunny- SG wants to leave his wife- not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 The otherside of that coin looks just the same as the other. Life's too short to be miserable Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 The otherside of that coin looks just the same as the other. Life's too short to be miserable Absolutely! Which is why I left my exhusband! I just wonder if SG's wife would change her mind about working on her issues if she knew he was going to walk out. I kinda think he at least owes her the courtesy of drawing the line in the sand and letting her choose. I did that myself- and only to be told "I don't have time to work on our marriage" But at least I can say I did that much! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I'm not saying one shouldn't work at a marriage, give it your best ~ but when it comes time for leaving, there's no sense poking a stick at something that's already gone. With that said ~ timing is important. Either well before Thankgiving or after New Years. To do otherwise just not right, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Yeah, agree that first of the year is best. Another few months will make no difference one way or the other anyway. I don't expect her to make any changes, and would never make it a "change or I'm leaving" ultimatum anyway. I can see it if the main problem was something like drug addiction, booze, infidelity (maybe,) money, etc., but not lack of affection. ("Kiss me or else?" I don't think so...) Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Here is what I am going thru right now and maybe it will help. We have been seeing a counsoler and I was working on the wrong part of our relationship, dates, sharing household chores etc. I wasn't working on how I treated the w and my son. She finally got fed up with it and told the counsoler that if I would come talk to her she would keep working at it but in "my" eyes I thought I was doing what I was suppose to be. So she told the counsoler if I would see what I needed to change such as being controlling then she would keep working on it, but I didn't go at first and she is now moving out this weekend She feels she can not work on the things she needs to with me in the same house and there are other things also but she does need her space for a while. Since then because of this board I see what I am doing wrong, I have started to work on "me" and she has noticed. She told me yesterday that two weeks ago she didn't think there was any hope but now she sees I am working on the things she asked. Because of me working on this I have learned there are things she needs to work on also so we are looking at a separation as both of us working on "our" problems, then after that see what happens. Just like everyone on here has said; you can only work on things to better yourself and then go on from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 When a couple separates, about the only difference between the relationship and the HMS Titantic, is the Titantic had a band playing as she went under. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 When a couple separates, about the only difference between the relationship and the HMS Titantic, is the Titantic had a band playing as she went under. Yes but there were a few people that did make it alive & I feel you have to give it a try if you still want the relationship. A separation also gives the person that wants the marriage to work out time to think and like I told my w, what if we go thru this and I decide I don't want to get back together??????? At least both sides had a chance to clear there heads. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Yes but there were a few people that did make it alive & I feel you have to give it a try if you still want the relationship. A separation also gives the person that wants the marriage to work out time to think and like I told my w, what if we go thru this and I decide I don't want to get back together??????? At least both sides had a chance to clear there heads. Its sounding more and more like you and the wife might have made it to one of the lifeboats in time! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 My parents separated for 1/2 a year when I was in 6th grade but they did get back together & still are. I don't know what their arrangement was regarding the seperation but it doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage IME. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Yeah, agree that first of the year is best. Another few months will make no difference one way or the other anyway. I don't expect her to make any changes, and would never make it a "change or I'm leaving" ultimatum anyway. I can see it if the main problem was something like drug addiction, booze, infidelity (maybe,) money, etc., but not lack of affection. ("Kiss me or else?" I don't think so...) Actually, I wonder sometimes if I'd given my exh the ultimatum like that whether or not it would have made a difference. But being how I said, "I will have an affair or leave you if you don't work on this marriage" I think I was pretty clear. You're not wanting to force her to kiss you- it's about an emotional connection. I think you're afraid of the confrontation. Have you read Midlifecrazy's post?? Take a look there and see what his deal was- and probably still is. It's not fair to just divorce your wife and hurt your kids without at least having the conversation, IMO. It should go something like this. "Honey, I've not been happy for a long time. Our relationship has not had the passion and intimacy between us that I've needed for a long time and I feel that any kind of overatures that I've made in that area have been rejected. I'm kind of at a crossroad here. I feel the need to possibly make some changes, because to be honest, I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life and I won't live like this for the rest of my life. I would love to rebuild our relationship to make it better than it ever has been- for both of us- but that's not something I can do by myself. I need for you to agree to go to MC with me (work marriage builders) etc or I'm going to have to suggest a separation. I will give you (a certain time frame) to make a decision about how you'd like to proceed" Then leave the ball in her court. Do not mention it again until that day. Do not let her turn it around on you. Do not get into arguments about it. If she starts one just say "I told you how I felt about it already and what I'm going to do" Before you have the talk with her- be sure to see your attorney and have the papers ready to file. This is not like a job- where threatening to quit so you can get a raise is pointless- this is your marriage! Is it pride or stubbornness holding you back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 I think you're afraid of the confrontation. Not afraid, but convinced it's pointless. I'm not afraid to dump motor oil over my head, but it's pointless, so why should I? Or more to the point, if I'm going to do it, no point in rushing. (On the other hand, the horse has been dead for a long time, why put off the funeral?) It's not fair to just divorce your wife and hurt your kids without at least having the conversation, IMO. No argument there either, but we did discuss it many years ago to no end. No point in beating a dead horse. I'm not going to threaten, I'm not going to give an ultimatum, and I'm not going to give a deadline. What's missing from my life is something that can only be given freely. To be honest, I'll probably say something like "I need space." It's going to be difficult enough for her without me blaming her. She can be the martyr, I'll be the *********. And I've spoken to my attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I can't find your intial post where you post what your "beef" is about? Could you link me to it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stoopid_guy Posted September 1, 2006 Author Share Posted September 1, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94821/ But the "trigger" was just realizing that I could have romantic feelings again. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92870/ , I developed a "crush" on a co-worker. It never developed into anything but friendship, but made me realize how messed up I had been all those years. Link to post Share on other sites
Last Mohegan Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 What about the couples that seperate, stay married, seperate again, stay married again, etc. I know several couples like that. They're just waiting for the other one to leave first and they're scared of change--even change for the better. I've never been married myself but have always wondered how people do that. I'm not sure I could stand it, but maybe I could. Are there any statistics on the percentage of separations that end in divorce vs. reconciliation? When a couple separates, about the only difference between the relationship and the HMS Titantic, is the Titantic had a band playing as she went under. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 But, i would imagine it would be hard to compile such. And, I've been studying this for a number of years now. From a paper I wrote in college after I retired from the Corps. Divorce Rate for men who get married under the age of 25 ~ 90% Divorce Rate for men who get married because the woman gets pregno 90% Divorce Rate for first time marriages ~ less than 50% Its dropped in recent years - in part due to couples being older when they get married) Divorce Rate for second marriages ~ 62% (Dr. Phil) Of the fifty per cent of first time marriages that stay married, 37% are living in a martial "comma" staying together for the children, finances, status quo ~ but they're not happy together. (Book "Crazy Time" about divorce. ) Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 But, i would imagine it would be hard to compile such. And, I've been studying this for a number of years now. From a paper I wrote in college after I retired from the Corps. Divorce Rate for men who get married under the age of 25 ~ 90% Divorce Rate for men who get married because the woman gets pregno 90% Divorce Rate for first time marriages ~ less than 50% Its dropped in recent years - in part due to couples being older when they get married) Divorce Rate for second marriages ~ 62% (Dr. Phil) Of the fifty per cent of first time marriages that stay married, 37% are living in a martial "comma" staying together for the children, finances, status quo ~ but they're not happy together. (Book "Crazy Time" about divorce. ) Thats scary stuff:mad: There should be a course somewhere... about relationships... then again that would effect the ecomony..... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 What would all the poor divorce, bankruptcy lawyers do? What would the "so-called" marriage counselors do for a living. I suspect that its because no-one goes diving into Barnes and Noble looking for an "Idiot's Guide To"....................... Being Married Being Happy Dating and Mating Sex Relationships Men and Women Romance Seduction etc (fill in the blank)____________________________ prior to getting married, that its small wonder that the divorce rate isn't higher. That and given that only 3% of the American population has read a non-ficition book in the last year, and that only about 3% of the American population even holds a library card. Added to that only 40% of all college graduate have read a non-ficition book since having graduated from college! Two areas that our school system is failing miserably in ~ is in preparing our youth for marriage and realationships and personal finance. And, if not our school ~ than our religioius institutions. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 What would all the poor divorce, bankruptcy lawyers do? What would the "so-called" marriage counselors do for a living. I suspect that its because no-one goes diving into Barnes and Noble looking for an "Idiot's Guide To"....................... Being Married Being Happy Dating and Mating Sex Relationships Men and Women Romance Seduction etc (fill in the blank)____________________________ prior to getting married, that its small wonder that the divorce rate isn't higher. That and given that only 3% of the American population has read a non-ficition book in the last year, and that only about 3% of the American population even holds a library card. Added to that only 40% of all college graduate have read a non-ficition book since having graduated from college! Two areas that our school system is failing miserably in ~ is in preparing our youth for marriage and realationships and personal finance. And, if not our school ~ than our religioius institutions. You have more energy than me to write tonignt;) ... and have more stats:laugh: but you expressed what I was truely thinking... and as for lawyers.... I already have a deep distrust of them........ the job and all:p lawyers is lawyers... unless they are working for me:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
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