Seperation, but not divorce?

[Gunny376]

"First, let us hang the lawyers!"

 

Shakesphere

[ilmw]

"First, let us hang the lawyers!"

 

Shakesphere

 

hahahahah..... never get tired of the shakespear qoutes....??? sorry... can't spelll tonigh... Happpy rum ... buzzz all for me:p

 

Hay got my guitar today... and as promises... made terrible music... hahahahah:laugh:

[dgiirl]

I wish they had more stats on the topic, but i guess it's hard because not too many people want to talk about it. I remember googling stats and reconcilation. All the religious sites kept quoting that 80% of all marriages have gone through a separation at one point in their marriages.

 

oh ilmw, you're a musician too!! :love: When you driving by my house again?

[Wolfp]

You have more energy than me to write tonignt;) ... and have more stats:laugh:

 

but you expressed what I was truely thinking... and as for lawyers.... I already have a deep distrust of them........ the job and all:p

 

lawyers is lawyers... unless they are working for me:laugh:

 

LOL...my lawyer was straight up with me from the gitgo..."I'll tell ya. Ya paid me, so I will provide a service, and that is to protect your interests to the best of my firm's ability. We {as lawyers} prefer not to go to court if we dont have to. It gets too expensive, is alot of work, and there is nothing but bad feelings afterwards. Let me talk to her lawyer about legal matters, you just worry about rebuilding your life and your kids' as well."

[tonyp56]

IMHO, people need to speak up and say what they mean. If you aren't happy with your wife, tell her why, but also tell her exactly what you will do if she don't change.

 

My wife waited until the day she left to tell me that she wasn't happy with me. Why wait until the relationship is over to start speaking up?

 

Go to your wife and say if you don't do/stop doing X I will leave you because X hurts me in such a way that I can't live anymore. Don't tell her anything that isn't true, if she has no chance in hell to save it, tell her, if she can save it, then tell her. Don't sugar coat it, give it to her straight. You perhaps complaining about things she does in the past isn't good enough, she needs to know what she does is driving you away, not that it is a simple annoyance!

 

If she loves you, she will work on it. But you can't just tell her what she has to do, help her figure out how to "change", and ask her what she would like from you as well. Marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100, either party can make it or break it. You and your wife both have blame to share in how your marriage is. Do you pay attention to her? Do you help with chores, groceries, etc...? In other words, think about what you can do to make her happier too.

 

If you can't stand up and speak up, and tell her why you want to leave, then you can't blame anyone for your marriage or the end. I don't understand why people wait until it is too late to try to fix things. She's not a mind reader, she may in the back of her mind know that she makes you un-happy because of what she does, but chances are she has no clue that you would actually leave her because of it. If you don't speak up before it is too late, then you are 100% to blame. And you honestly can't complain about anything that she has done, because you didn't really give her a chance to correct it.

 

Talking about it don't work, she has to know that she will lose you if she don't start giving affection. If she isn't willing to work on it after she knows that you will leave, then it is no longer your problem, it is hers. But don't complain about her, when you aren't even willing to tell her what would happen if she don't change her ways.

[ilmw]

I wish they had more stats on the topic, but i guess it's hard because not too many people want to talk about it. I remember googling stats and reconcilation. All the religious sites kept quoting that 80% of all marriages have gone through a separation at one point in their marriages.

 

oh ilmw, you're a musician too!! :love: When you driving by my house again?

 

hahaha:laugh: Having a guitar does not make one a musician:p

 

I sound like a cat fight in a tin can:sick:

[stoopid_guy]

IMHO, people need to speak up and say what they mean. If you aren't happy with your wife, tell her why, but also tell her exactly what you will do if she don't change.

 

My wife waited until the day she left to tell me that she wasn't happy with me. Why wait until the relationship is over to start speaking up?

Sorry about your wife, and understand where you're coming from.

 

Call it a personal hang-up if you'd like, but I simply cannot tell a lady "give me affection or else." I can ask, I can even beg, but in no way can I try to force that. Maybe I'm too "old-fashioned."

 

Go to your wife and say if you don't do/stop doing X I will leave you because X hurts me in such a way that I can't live anymore. Don't tell her anything that isn't true, if she has no chance in hell to save it, tell her, if she can save it, then tell her. Don't sugar coat it, give it to her straight. You perhaps complaining about things she does in the past isn't good enough, she needs to know what she does is driving you away, not that it is a simple annoyance!

 

If she loves you, she will work on it. But you can't just tell her what she has to do, help her figure out how to "change", and ask her what she would like from you as well. Marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100, either party can make it or break it. You and your wife both have blame to share in how your marriage is. Do you pay attention to her? Do you help with chores, groceries, etc...? In other words, think about what you can do to make her happier too.

I help with the housework. I do most of the cooking, most of the dishes, eveything outside...

 

Pay attention to her? Romantically? No. We talk, we trade jokes, we're friends. We're parenting partners. We're financial partners. Once the affection died, the romance died (at least in my mind.)

 

If you can't stand up and speak up, and tell her why you want to leave, then you can't blame anyone for your marriage or the end. I don't understand why people wait until it is too late to try to fix things. She's not a mind reader, she may in the back of her mind know that she makes you un-happy because of what she does, but chances are she has no clue that you would actually leave her because of it. If you don't speak up before it is too late, then you are 100% to blame. And you honestly can't complain about anything that she has done, because you didn't really give her a chance to correct it.

 

Talking about it don't work, she has to know that she will lose you if she don't start giving affection. If she isn't willing to work on it after she knows that you will leave, then it is no longer your problem, it is hers. But don't complain about her, when you aren't even willing to tell her what would happen if she don't change her ways.

If anywhere I've implied that this was her fault, I apologize. The seperation/divorce is my choice, not hers. As I said before, I'll be the a-hole, she can be the martyr

[Outcast]

Call it a personal hang-up if you'd like, but I simply cannot tell a lady "give me affection or else." I can ask, I can even beg, but in no way can I try to force that. Maybe I'm too "old-fashioned."

 

Sorry but that's a load of steaming horse doo. You're simply too proud. And you are going to let pride stand in your way, which means you'll live up to your username.

 

I know a man like you. Fortunately, that man listened to me. He, too, suffered from lack of affection. He, too, was reluctant to say anything to his wife. However he sacked up and did. And found out that she had thought he didn't want much to do with her and so stayed away and he thought she didn't want much to do with him and so stayed away and the things they were doing were sending each other the EXACTLY WRONG singals.

 

And when he asked her for more time, she was delighted and they are way better off now.

 

So you tried it once years ago. And it didn't work. And you think it's smart to be a quitter rather than having the guts to try it again? I don't think that's smart at all. It's called cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[tonyp56]

Of course, you've said your the one that wants the seperation, but why do you want the seperation? Because your wife doesn't make you happy and therefore you want out.

 

I'm not against you, and I understand why you can't give her a "if you don't give me affection, I'll leave" speach. However, from the other side, which is where I come from--i.e. my wife left me, and waited until it was too late to tell me so that I could have done anything to save it. I would have rathered my ex to be honest with me, and tell it to me straight months--perhaps years--before she left. Perhaps then I could have fixed the problems. But instead she waited until it was too late, sure she might have complained about me before, but she never made it, as you say, change or else.

 

From that perspective, one can see why honesty is better. If your not happy, say so and say what you are planning, so that your wife has a half of a chance to correct her wrong. Thats all I'm saying.

 

Why do you want to be the a--hole? Why does either of you have to be an a--hole? I'm sure that if you think, you can figure out another way out of this.

 

On the chores, I said that as an idea, not to question what you do or what you don't do around the house. More or less, there is bound to be something that your wife would like to see you do. Is anyone ever happy? Hell, there is things about yourself I'm sure you'd like to change--who doesn't want to change.

 

I wish you good luck, no matter what you do, but I can tell you it isn't easy going through divorce--for either side, trust me. My ex and I have some how been able to remain friendly--though the first 8 months or so were tough. I recently went to her house for more than a few minutes for our daughters birthday party--first time since she left and there have been two birthdays, christmas, etc... In 4 days, it will have been a year since she left, and I can say it has been hard on both of us--she even broke down and said that she was sorry. Our situation was different, she left for someone else, and like I said, never gave me a chance. I figured out pretty much right after she left that I had at least half the blame, and hopefully, I've learned from this.

[stoopid_guy]

First of all, I appreciate what folks have to say. I may not agree with it, but I do appreciate it.

Sorry but that's a load of steaming horse doo. You're simply too proud. And you are going to let pride stand in your way, which means you'll live up to your username.

My pride went out the door a long time ago.

So you tried it once years ago. And it didn't work. And you think it's smart to be a quitter rather than having the guts to try it again? I don't think that's smart at all. It's called cutting off your nose to spite your face.

No, I tried for a couple of years. She kicked me out of our bed for trying. Then she wanted me back in because she was afraid our daughter would think it was odd, and I tried again. After a couple of years of frustration, I did quit trying. As a matter of fact, I don't think she could "turn me on" if she wanted to at this point. Maybe that's just a defense mechanism, but the result is the same.

Of course, you've said your the one that wants the seperation, but why do you want the seperation? Because your wife doesn't make you happy and therefore you want out.

 

I'm not against you, and I understand why you can't give her a "if you don't give me affection, I'll leave" speach. However, from the other side, which is where I come from--i.e. my wife left me, and waited until it was too late to tell me so that I could have done anything to save it. I would have rathered my ex to be honest with me, and tell it to me straight months--perhaps years--before she left. Perhaps then I could have fixed the problems. But instead she waited until it was too late, sure she might have complained about me before, but she never made it, as you say, change or else.

 

From that perspective, one can see why honesty is better. If your not happy, say so and say what you are planning, so that your wife has a half of a chance to correct her wrong. Thats all I'm saying.

 

Why do you want to be the a--hole? Why does either of you have to be an a--hole? I'm sure that if you think, you can figure out another way out of this.

At this point, I really don't think our marriage can be saved. My goal is to make it's end as painless as possible for everyone. From her perspective, I want it to be like removing a band-aid; I want to yank it off quickly, I want her to worry as little as possible, I want her to struggle as little as possible. I don't want her to try to stick the band-aid back on. If she gets mad and hates me for that it's understandable. I want a clean break.

 

I realize I'm probably over-simplifying things, but that's my objective at this point in time.

[dgiirl]

SG, your story sounds a lot like mine, except I was your wife. My exh and I were having intimacy problems for a while, and I'm sure he'd say he tried too. But I feel very differently. My exh did the ripping off the bandaid solution too. And it was a total shock to me, I wasnt expecting it, and this year was extremely tough for me. However, in hindsight, I could see it was bound to happen, either him or me. The thing with the bandaid solution is, you just give up. If my exh had told me the severity of how he was feeling before he reached that threshold, I would have snapped out of my depression and seeked helped. Who knows, but we might have saved our marriage. But he just kept it in bottled for years building up resentment until he met someone and then left. Some of his resentment was justified, and a lot of it was not. But because he wasnt expressing any of his emotions to me, he wasnt able to resolve any of those feelings and instead they just kept piling on top of each other.

 

If your wife is anything like me, she's probably suffering from depression and anxiety, and is stressed to no end. You both have a child and she's probably exhausted as well. I'm not defending her actions, but it helps to understand that she's probably not doing it to be an evil malicious bitch Instead she's just way too overworked that she's not able to see the whole picture. This is why it's important for you to take SOME kind of action. You could do the divorce then, and she might snap out of it then. But then it would be too late for you. Wouldnt it be sad if you both could have a very happy loving marriage, the marriage of your dreams, but you choose not to seek any help, and thus couldnt achive it? Sitting still, biding your time is not the solution. You are just wasting both your lives, and NOTHING fixes itself. And if you are like my exh, he felt he was begging for intimacy, but the problem is MORE than that. You are trying to save your marriage. It's not you just asking for sex and she wont put out. Trust me, there's something deeper going on, and until you stand up and seek some help, it wont get resolved. And what will you do in your next relationship, when things start to go sour? Are you going to stand still and not seek help then either? You have absolutely nothing to lose by speaking up and seeking help. Worse case scenario, you'll get a divorce. But that's the direction you are going now anyways.

[RecordProducer]

I see seperaton as an intermediate step to divorce. You want to split, you seperate, then you divorce.

 

Am I oversimplifying it? Is there a commitment (for some, at least) during the seperation?

I think you're not simplifying it, but rather calling it the right name. People like to complicate it so that it seems less painful (myself included - in the past).

 

Some couples do get back together though, but I see it as reconciliation, not separation that worked out in a positive way. Separation itself is a consequence of negative feelings.

[stoopid_guy]

SG, your story sounds a lot like mine, except I was your wife. My exh and I were having intimacy problems for a while, and I'm sure he'd say he tried too. But I feel very differently. My exh did the ripping off the bandaid solution too. And it was a total shock to me, I wasnt expecting it, and this year was extremely tough for me. However, in hindsight, I could see it was bound to happen, either him or me. The thing with the bandaid solution is, you just give up. If my exh had told me the severity of how he was feeling before he reached that threshold, I would have snapped out of my depression and seeked helped. Who knows, but we might have saved our marriage. But he just kept it in bottled for years building up resentment until he met someone and then left.

"Bottled" is me, but how much trying is enough? For a few years, I kept trying and hoping. I thought it would improve once our daughter was in her own room. Then I thought it would improve once she started having "play dates" that gave my wife and I time alone. Then I though it would improve once she started spend the night at friends. I think I tried enough.

 

If your wife is anything like me, she's probably suffering from depression and anxiety, and is stressed to no end. You both have a child and she's probably exhausted as well. I'm not defending her actions, but it helps to understand that she's probably not doing it to be an evil malicious bitch Instead she's just way too overworked that she's not able to see the whole picture.

I don't think she's an evil malicious bitch, and I know life can be stressful sometimes. But we made that stress as low as possible. I do help out, I do things with our daughter so my wife can have some time for herself. She didn't go back to work at all until our daughter was in school, and only full-time this year. Other people have kids and stress, are they all celibate?

 

This is why it's important for you to take SOME kind of action. You could do the divorce then, and she might snap out of it then. But then it would be too late for you. Wouldnt it be sad if you both could have a very happy loving marriage, the marriage of your dreams, but you choose not to seek any help, and thus couldnt achive it? Sitting still, biding your time is not the solution. You are just wasting both your lives, and NOTHING fixes itself. And if you are like my exh, he felt he was begging for intimacy, but the problem is MORE than that. You are trying to save your marriage. It's not you just asking for sex and she wont put out. Trust me, there's something deeper going on, and until you stand up and seek some help, it wont get resolved. And what will you do in your next relationship, when things start to go sour? Are you going to stand still and not seek help then either? You have absolutely nothing to lose by speaking up and seeking help. Worse case scenario, you'll get a divorce. But that's the direction you are going now anyways.

 

Worst case scenario: She feels like poo, I feel like poo for making her feel more like poo than I have too, and the marriage is over anyway.

 

Dgiirl, I know your intentions are good, and I appreciate that. Bottom line is that I'm just not in love with her anymore. Maybe if I'd been more assertive when the problem was going on? Who knows. But at this point I simply have no desire to "beat a dead horse."

 

My goal is only to make the seperation/divorce as painless as possible. I want to convince her that she'll be all right financially. I want to make it clear I'll be around for her, and especially our daughter. I just don't want to live with her, and I want more out of life than I can have if we stay married.