LaraV Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Seems like lately people's exs have been making a lot of contact. It almost always seems to be those strange texts, e-mail, or phone calls where they just want to make glib chit chat. Is that all they really are? I know conventional wisdom here suggests that all those contacts are just a way for the ex to get an ego boost - or that it's just mere curiosity to see how the other person is doing. I'm wondering, though, is it hard or easy for an ex that has realized his or her mistake to come out and just say it? Do they first have to "test the waters" a bit? I know we all here say that it ain't good enough that they call or e-mail if it's not them screaming out loud "I want you back!" But I keep wondering if that's such an easy thing to do for them... Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
silentcharon Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 The first time my ex broke up with me (reasons was that he was working all the time and felt it wasn't fair I didn't see him so much, we both went to high school and lived on opposite sides of the town). He was still in love with me, even when he started dating a new girl. He told me that it was weird, he didn't feel the spark with the new girl like he did with me. A few months later, he broke up with her and mustered his courage to ask me out again. He didn't exactly say that he was wrong, or that he was sorry, he basically said, "Will you go out with me again, for better or worse?" It's been so long ago that I don't remember all the details. Fast forward six years later, we broke up again- his reasons being that he wanted to work on his life without worrying about the relationship on the side. He told me he still loves me, but isn't sure it's enough. Now, for him to ask me out again, after all the stuff that has happened before I forced nc, I think he would need to test the waters before he decided to admit his mistake (hypotherically.) I think it would be way harder to pick up the pieces and start anew if there were problems after the break up, and it also depends on the break up itself, the reasons and circumstances, and how it went. I started a thread asking what I should do after I recieved flowers from my ex, after we both agreed on NC. Even though I told him to contact me when he was ready, I didn't expect anything like the flowers- a simple text or phone call would have sufficed. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96422/ this is the link to my thread if you would like to read it again. I think most people have to work their way up, starting contact again, and see where you are at that point, and start hanging out with you again. This will be easier to admit that they were wrong, rather than contact you out of the blue, "I was wrong, I miss you, will you go out with me again?" In short, no it's not easy. I can only speculate, because I've never been the dumper... yet Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Is it so hard to say "I'm sorry"? Sometimes it can be excruciating. Not because it's difficult to admit when one is wrong, but because of the potential fallout. "I'm sorry" usually means "I was wrong," and when a person admits to being wrong about something, that opens them up to all sorts of potential future problems. It's especially difficult for men, because our women partners tend to have extraordinarily long memories, especially about things that men did wrong. Case in point: My ex was involved in a minor fender-bender back in 1992 (before we were married) and at the time we were under severe financial stress. Now, it was obvious that she wasn't hurt so that wasn't an issue, but I immediately thought of what was going to happen to our insurance rates. She erupted into a rage. "What about me??? How about asking if I'm ok??" I apologized, heard from her directly that she was fine and that was that. I paid for that mistake for a decade. For ten farking years I listened to her complain about that, every single time we got into an argument. My mistake was that I should never have apologized, and I would have saved myself a decade's worth of grief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaraV Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Interesting. I wouldn't have imagined saying sorry could be so hard and complex at times. Maybe it's because I've never had problems apologizing; or I've never had problems with others apologizing to me if they wronged me somehow. Of course, if I forgive I let that be the end of it; I don't bring it up again and again. That's would be manipulative, and I don't play that game. But in the context of this forum, I wonder how many people get blown off after they attempt to re-connect again. We tell so many people here that it's not enough that the ex brought you flowers, or that they called, or that they e-mailed, that they need to say the words - oh those magic words: "I'm sorry...I want you back." But if it's that hard, I wonder to what extent we need to give them a break. Seems like it's hard to tell sometimes though - if they are trying to say (or imply) that they're sorry, or if they're just coming back for an ego boost or something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaraV Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Btw, Silentcharon, I did follow your thread about the flowers closely. I was in awe of your decision to stay NC. I imagine it must have been hard. Link to post Share on other sites
silentcharon Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I think they have to be persistent, and prove that they are sincere. It was very hard for me to stay in nc, after recieving the flowers, especially when the flowers were a daily reminder of what happened. Emails and flowers are easy to give, short term investments if you may call it, we should only start paying attention when they try to give something that's harder, themselves. It's not easy starting contact again in the first place anyway, it's smart to test the waters for any potential problems should they decide to admit their mistakes. Superconductor is right. It's hard for both parties- the dumpees not wanting to read too much into anything, so not to raise hope for themselves in case the dumper isn't looking for anything further than being friends. The dumper not wanting to come across as if they are crawling back to you if they want to be back in your life, as a friend or more than that. They're also afraid that the dumpees will be vengeful and say NO, and turn the tables on them. There are so many factors to consider here, regarding your questions. What if the ex doesn't view the break up as a mistake, and it's not something to be sorry about, it was something they really did need to? That would also be hard to explain to the dumpee and why they're coming back. Etc, etc. Reading into what other people say about what the exes has been doing on their own time is also good way of gauging whether he is being sincere or not. This will help people make their decision whether to give them a bit of a break or not. For example, I was talking to my best friend last night. She told me that my ex still talks about me, "It would be nicer if xxx admitted that he was wrong and asked you back out again." She said that he is confusing the hell out of everyone else, saying that he misses me, and still loves me, but yet doesn't want to be with me for so so reasons. Everyone's like, why aren't you with her then?? I think your post is where my ex is at right now, or at least somewhat. Whatever, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
bluegal79 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I, like Lara, don't have any problem apologizing. I think some people have a problem apologizing because they don't want to take responsibility for hurting you with their actions ( or lack of in the case of being abandoned by an ex). Maybe these people who have a hard time apologizing think that enough time has gone by that everything has been forgotten. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 My mistake was that I should never have apologized, and I would have saved myself a decade's worth of grief. Only cause she probably would have broken up with you sooner if you hadn't apologized! Link to post Share on other sites
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