DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Hi everyone. I posted on this board awile ago explaining that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for the last 2 yrs. He didn't physically cheat, that I know of, but he was looking at porn a lot. Anyways he swore to me he would never look at porn now that I am living with him as he would consider that cheating on me. Well anyways, yesterday I had a doctors appointment because I have had serious stomach pain for the last two months. While I was at the doctors, 10 minutes after I left the house, he was looking at a porn site. I found this on his computer. I confronted him he said he opened it and clicked on a link and closed it immediatly because he knew what he was doing was wrong, yadda yadda. Made this whole excuse of having a panic attack and throwing up because of it. Well I believed him and said *Fine but you will make up for this.* He said he didn't masterbate or anything. Well this morning I get up and find that 30 minutes (literally) after he closed that porn site he was on another site checking out girls in bikinis. Now I am pissed. He lied to me again. I do not know how to confront him on this again. I do not know what to do. I moved to another country with him, for him. He said he didn't masterbate but from what I found, after looking at the girls in bikinis, he disappeared from his computer for 15 minutes. He said to me 'Looking at porn or other men/women while you have a partner right there with you is cheating and I would never do that." He said his reasoning for doing it yesterday was "I don't know. I think I have gotten so use to the fact of sitting in a chair and looking at porn to masterbate it was just an instant reaction." Ok I can understand that. But how does that explain why he closed the site immediatly because he knew what he did was wrong, yet 30 minutes later return and look at a "not so porny site." All this while I am at the hospital! WTF kind of guy is this. We have been together for 27 months. I would like some advice. I am hurt and lost. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Kinger25 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 OK Here goes. This is going to sound harsh but what REALLY is wrong with the fact that he looks at porn? I am in no way an expert but I do think that you are over reacting a little bit? Ok if he was dedicating all of his spare time looking at it then maybe there is a problem, but you say that he hasn't looked at it for a long time for you. You did not mention in your thread what your own sex life with him was like? I think you need to calm down, sit down and talk about it with him sensibly and maturely. Maybe there are reasons why he looks at porn that you did not realise. A really in depth and sesitive conversation with him about your relationship may reveal things that you never knew and you may be able to resolve the issue quite easily. Another thing I wondered was How do you feel about porn? (I am a girlie so this might be even more strange to you!!) but have you ever thought about buying some porn, taking it home, cooking him a nice meal, getting things a bit hot and heavy and then playing some porn for you BOTH to watch together and experiment with your sex lives in that way?? My BF and I have a very open relationship when it comes to porn. We both like it so we both watch it together and use it to experimeriment, we dont do it ALL of the time, but occasionally, it makes a nice change from the normal him on top me on the bottom sex! I think you need to address this not just with him but with yourself. AFter 27 months you should be able to sit down with him comfortably and find out the reasons for his obsession with porn. You also need to relax a little. I mean at the end of the day, if he's looking at porn, he's not actually CHEATING on you. CHEATING is when you have physical or emotional contact with a REAL human being that is not your partner. Yes he does need to take into consideration your feelings but I think that he has done that and in doing so he has supressed his own feelings. The main issue here I feel is your own intimacy with eachother. TALK, COMMUNICATE AND RESOLVE! Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I was expecting... "and he was banging my best friend on the kitchen table when I got home..." "and then there was the incident with my mother..." But porn... cheating?! Damn, you run a tight ship Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I look at porn even when I had a boyfriend that is not cheating at all Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 What is wrong with people nowadays? No it isn't ok for your partner to look at porn when they tell you they themselves thinks it is cheating! Does anyone have morals anymore? I guess not. Why do women find it so ok that guys look at porn? It is cheating! Mentally cheating, period! Ugh! Our sex life isn't that great. Out of 20 times we have sex he might igniate it once. All the other times I do. Half the times I try he turns me down. When we watched tv a lot and saw at least one naked girl a day on tv, we'd have sex everyday. When we stopped watching tv, we stopped having sex. This is wrong. He is wrong and anyone who finds this behaviour acceptable because I'm a lady and nowadays everything is fine and acceptable because the tv told us so, are wrong and horrible. I would never cheat on him, never think of another man, period. I am true to him. End of story. What he did is wrong. I will not purchase anything with naked girls all over it so he can get off to them and not me. I will not lower my morals and standards to be like everyone else and find this behaviour tolerable and acceptable. It is wrong. In his own words "Looking at porn while having a girlfriend is in my books cheating and I would never do that to you." He admitted it himself, it is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I look at porn even when I had a boyfriend that is not cheating at all The thing is, the lines and boundaries of cheating are completely determined by each person. If the OP considers this cheating... then in her heart, it's cheating. OP- unless you have layed out the rules and boundaries before hand, avoiding scorning your BF for "cheating" as he probably doesn't see it this way... Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Okay- too slow. You have made your point I respect it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 The thing is, the lines and boundaries of cheating are completely determined by each person. If the OP considers this cheating... then in her heart, it's cheating. OP- unless you have layed out the rules and boundaries before hand, avoiding scorning your BF for "cheating" as he probably doesn't see it this way... That is the thing. He said he thinks thinking of other women, fantasizing about them and looking at porn while having a girlfriend is cheating. He admitted this himself, before I even said "yes I agree with you completely." That is one reason I feel in love with him. He had morals. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 That is the thing. He said he thinks thinking of other women, fantasizing about them and looking at porn while having a girlfriend is cheating. He admitted this himself, before I even said "yes I agree with you completely." That is one reason I feel in love with him. He had morals. WAIT.... You are not seriously advocating that looking at porn equals no morals right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 If both people agree that it is ok and they watch it together then fine whatever. But if both people agree it is wrong and unmoral and one does it behind the others back then makes a clear attempt to hide it by deleting it ... which he did... then yes it is wrong and that person has no morals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Personally I think if you look at porn and DO NOT have a significant other, then that is ok. But once you have a partner and you do look at it if the other doesn't or is not with you then you do not have morals. That is cheating in my books. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Ok, regardless of my opinion on porn, here's my advice given your feelings and situation: You have three choices: a) Accept that he is going to continue to cheat on you in this manner and stay with him/deal with it. b) Dump his ass. c) Discuss again, and hope that this time when he promises he means it. Now, it sounds like you've been through option 'c' several times already. So do you want to keep doing that, or do you want to accept that he appears to be unable to stick to the promise he made you? While I understand your desire for someone who meets this standard for you, I believe you are going to be hard pushed to find a man who is able to make this promise and keep to it for the rest of thier life. They may well (just like your bf) make well intentioned promises. But it's likely they are one's they just aren't going to be able to keep to long term. But that's not your question is it? So... I guess you have to think over the 3 options above. Perhaps researching why men use porn, and how they feel about it, what they use it for, would provide you with a greater insight into why he's finding his promise hard to stick to. But at the end of the day, if you stand by your decision that you do not want him to look at porn, if he can't keep that promise, you'll have to show him the door. Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Personally I think if you look at porn and DO NOT have a significant other, then that is ok. But once you have a partner and you do look at it if the other doesn't or is not with you then you do not have morals. That is cheating in my books. Well, then your choice is clear. Dump him and find someone who shares your values. You may have a tough time, though, because the reality is that most guys look at porn and/or fantasize about other women regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Thanks everyone. Was wondering if I could get a guys opinion on this. He never looked at porn with his last girlfriend and she treated him horribly. He says I am the best girlfriend he could ever have yet he cheats on me, why is this? Why do people always **** over the ones that treat them like gold. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 dump him. SEriously if this is that big of an issue that you callit cheating, and he has done it for 2 years then who here is the weak one that doesn't have any standards? You know where he stands and what he is going to do and you allow yourself to get walked all over and then upset when he does what you already know he is going to do. Sorry you put yourself in this situation by never doing anything (like leaving) in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Was wondering if I could get a guys opinion on this. He never looked at porn with his last girlfriend and she treated him horribly. He says I am the best girlfriend he could ever have yet he cheats on me, why is this? Why do people always **** over the ones that treat them like gold. Could be any number of things. Maybe it's just a reverse psychology thing? You put out easily so he doesn't want it from you and looks at porn instead. She didn't put out so easily, so he wanted it from her and didn't look at porn? Maybe he's just used to conflict and is doing it (possibly subconsciously) because it creates conflict. Maybe he's BSing and he really did look at porn. He could have a guilt-complex about it. Or maybe he's doing it simply because it is now a "forbidden fruit" so to speak. The latter is something I experienced myself. I had a g/f that eventually asked me to stop looking at porn. I tried, but I found that the minute I wasn't supposed to be looking at it, I started to think about it that much more. Previously, I'd look at porn now and then to masturbate, but now I was thinking about it 24/7. It really was a scary thing to experience and I can understand how people can become truly addicted to it (esp. if you toss religion in as well). Personally, I have come to conclusion that porn is a normal part of male existence (and many women's as well) and will not be an issue if the people in the relationship are secure in themselves, their sexuality and each other. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 WOWWWWWWWWWWWW, I don't know what to tell you, but looking ata porn as long as it's not done to exceed is NORMAL. I like looking at naked men at magazine. If my b/f were to consider that cheating, I would dump him right away. I do NOT consider online caming or talking dirty nor phone sex cheating either, b/f can do it if he wants to. Cheating to me would be if he were to actual meet a girl and go on a date with her without telling me anything about it and getting so discreet about, then comes kissing, making-out, and then sex. Now that's cheating, so you get the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen2260 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I think I understand where you are coming from. While I may not agree with your stance on porn I do agree with you that your boyfriend is in fact cheating. Both she and her bf agreed that looking at porn while dating someone is cheating. The bf AGREED TO THIS. While he may have been feeding her a line of bs just becuase he wanted to be with her, I don't know. He sounds like he has major guilt issues with looking at porn but it also sounds like he may have a bit of a problem with it (if he needs that visual stimulation to be interested in sex with his attractive willing girlfriend). I dont' think the main issue here is the porn itself though I could be wrong but I think the problem that upsets the OP so much is that HE LIES TO HER ABOUT IT. He made a statement that he agrees with her values and that this action in HIS eyes as well as hers is considered cheating. Cheating is hurtful and dishonest and in any forms it can do serious damage to a relationship. So her boyfriend willingly crossed these boundaries that were set by BOTH parties. Then he lied about his actions. so the OP is feeling the same emotions of hurt and betrayal that one would experience if your SO actually had sex with another and lied to you about it. I think you have 3 choices- you can either change your views on the issue and discuss boundaries that your boyfriend can live with or you can tell him to give up all his porn and possibly internet access or you will leave him. Or you can just try to find another man who shares your views on porn and cheating. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Ok so here is a guys option and just so you know I rarely look at porn. First off looking at porn is not cheating, sorry but I can’t swallow it. I have been cheated on and I find it almost insulting that you would classify porn with the pain of having someone really cheat on you. What he is doing is not respecting your boundaries and those you can set as you wish. I have the feeling that you are trying to control this guy and the tighter you squeeze the more you will loose him. You might want to think about finding someone else who shares your extreme conservative views as I would think that you two are worlds apart as far as sex is concerned… Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 lovelorcet - Ok that would be true if I were to be the one who first set these boundaries. He told me first that this was, in his own eyes, cheating. Not me. I agreed with him. I even asked him after I found out if I were to do the same thing, would he consider that cheating. He said yes and said I would leave you for it because you cheated on me. Do you see the difference here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 lovelorcet - If you have a problem with my views on porn, then sorry. But I find it pathetic that one girl isn't enough for you. If you can't just look at your girl naked or dressed and go *Wow i want her* without the need to run off and look at another girl naked, then well that is just sad. One girl is never enough for guys is it? They want one who will cook, clean, do their laundry and be sweet to them. And they want another one who's a whore, they can masterbate too. That is so so so unbelievably wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 One girl is never enough for guys is it? They want one who will cook, clean, do their laundry and be sweet to them. And they want another one who's a whore, they can masterbate too. That is so so so unbelievably wrong. Geez, cool the projection already. Just because us guys aren't living up to your imaginary ideals, you don't need to tar 'n feather us. But if you really expect your man to never want to look at another woman and get turned on or masturbate, then you are living in a fantasy land. Most guys look at porn. And most guys masturbate to it. In or out of a relationship. You may not like it, you may think it's wrong, but that's the way it is. You can try to find the rare guy out there who doesn't, but good luck with that. You may be looking for quite awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Sorry. I was just getting upset because he wasn't reading what I was saying. If that is true then why would he say *I wouldn't do that. I consider that cheating.. blahblah. I wouldn't fantasize about any other woman."? I am sure there are some guys out there who aren't perverts, right? Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 I would wager he's just telling you what you want to hear. He knows about your feelings on the subject right? So he's probably making excuses and trying to deflect the fact that he really likes it. Or maybe he's got some porn guilt-complex going on. When I was a teen, I had it in my head that porn was evil, turned men into perverts, destroyed relationships, blah blah blah. As a result, I'd look at it, feel guilty, look at it again, feel guiltier, and so on into a giant cycle of porn-guilt. So maybe he's been taught that porn=bad, which is conflicting with his natural desire to look at it. That can be really dangerous, since that's the sort of thing that could trigger a porn addiction. And yup, there are guys out there who aren't perverts. They're called eunuchs. Link to post Share on other sites
theantibarbie23 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Sorry. I was just getting upset because he wasn't reading what I was saying. If that is true then why would he say *I wouldn't do that. I consider that cheating.. blahblah. I wouldn't fantasize about any other woman."? I am sure there are some guys out there who aren't perverts, right? He likely told you these things because he thought it was what you wanted to hear. I am a woman but I am telling you that most any man who tells you he never has fantasies about any other women while in a relationship is LYING to you. It is human nature to desire other people. It would be abnormal if he didn't. I agree that since this bothers you to the extent that it does, you should part ways and try to find someone who is as sexually conservative as yourself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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