littlekitty Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Anyone have any comments about the last two posts I made? I don't mean to stop your conversation, but I really would like some help here. Maybe a mans opinion on what would work? I know it would be much easier if I didn't move to a whole new country... Unfortunately DS it make take growing up to change him. Or it may never happen at all. He might never become the man you want him to be. Because he isn't right now is he? You feel under appreciated, and unloved by the sounds of it. He cheats on you (in the terms of your relationship), doesn't really seem to see the need to make up for it - although it was his rules he broke. Maybe it's time to really assess if this the man you want to be with? Is it? He keeps cheating and doesn't appreciate you. Are you staying because it's easier, or do you feel there's really something there to be worked on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 A little of both. I'm hoping he will wake up and realise what a great gal I am. But I know he has personal issues. I knew he's unhappy, with himself. So that makes him unhappy with us. I know he doesn't trust himself, as he has told me himself. I'm hoping he would come to the realization that I am trying my best to make him happy. I am trying my best even though I am, myself, miserable. I have faith in him. But I don't know, really. I moved to Ireland, from California. I have no family here, no friends. He has family here. I can't just get up and go because we have very little money. When I found out he 'cheated' again I did stop making him tea and lunch and dinner and all that stuff. And he said he missed me making him tea first thing in the morning. And yesterday he said he's been slacking in the morning, getting out of bed later than he should and leaving later for work. Because I am making him tea, breakfast and lunch and he doesn't need to do anything but throw on some clothes. He even said *I'm slacking because I don't need to do any of that anymore." Last week was when I put a stop of being nice and I started again this week because he apologized. He has personal issues and I don't know how to help him change those issues. I'm here for him but he needs to realise he can't take out everything on me. I mean for f's sake saying he's unhappy with me because I make too much noise while I clean. What the hell is that. Literally said that, no lie. And that's about all he came up with. Not, "Oh you treat me like ****. You don't do anything for me. You don't have sex with me." Nothing that would make one go oh I'm a horrible person. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Anyone have any comments about the last two posts I made? I don't mean to stop your conversation, but I really would like some help here. Maybe a mans opinion on what would work? I know it would be much easier if I didn't move to a whole new country... I'll be blunt, you sound like a nice girl being walked all over. To take a guy back after cheating once is maybe understandable, it's your prerogative, but to take him back after cheating twice is basically showing him the green light to play away whenever he chooses. From what you've said he doesn't have any respect for you or your feelings. Pardon the expression, but I think you're p*ssing in the wind if you think he'll change. Your relationship is a recipe for disaster. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 Sometimes he'll come home with flowers (I hate flowers cause it embaresses me but its the thought that counts). Does he know you don't like flowers? See I told my boyfriend I don't really like flowers, roses moreso. And I don't need to be showered with gifts etc. But he doesn't buy me anything, nothing at all to show he cares. I asked him why he doesn't get me flowers. His response is "Because you don't like them." I broke my arm, due to a fight we had and I hit the door and broke it. I got no gift from him, nothing. No flowers, no cards nothing. I even asked him to get me flowers or something a dozen times and he never did. So I went out and bought myself flowers. I mean come on. Your girl breaks her hand, and you can't even be bothered with a flipping card? It makes me cry horribly when I think of all these little things and if I bring them up to him he gets pissed off and says "You're trying to start a fight again." And walks off. I really don't know what to do.. This whole moving here was a horrible idea and I wish, sometimes, I never did it. But then there are times where I am glad I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 okay. but it is a more widely known phenomenon that most men watch porn, not that some women read romantic crap. and in case you didn't notice, i said "no one i've ever known." i'm speaking for myself in answer to the question put forth "does anyone actually read that literary vomit." there ya go. PA - Do women really read that literary vomit? You're answer was - No. You should have maybe worded it - "No, I personally don't" Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I always try to listen to my girl and if you pay close attention then you can pick stuff up that they like. Sending flowers maybe nice but it is a little overrated I think. For example we are walking somewhere and she something about her shoes hurting her feet. Then with out her asking I would try to remember that and later give her a nice foot massage. If one pays attention there is a lot of stuff like that a guy can pick up on but you really have to listen… As far as your berry stunt, I would have thrown them in your face as well. That is totally a passive aggressive behavior and is childish at best. I do have to say that if you had to squeeze an apology out of him like that then I am sorry for you. The guy sounds like an ass. We have already hashed out this “cheating” thing but he did and is still doing something that hurts your feelings and does not seem to care. That is wrong and you should not be treated like that. Now to risk another personal attack at myself I see a pattern in your behavior that maybe you should reflect on. -You are forcing him not to look at porn (he obviously wants to regardless of what he has said to you) -You are forcing him to apologize to you -You tried to force him to make it up to you -You are forcing him to agree that he is jerk And that is only what you have said in this thread. Is it possible that you are squeezing so tight that he has become resentful and is pulling away form you? I am just bringing this up because I have a bad feeling that if you try to force him to do some “little things” for you then it will just backfire. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 I always try to listen to my girl and if you pay close attention then you can pick stuff up that they like. Sending flowers maybe nice but it is a little overrated I think. For example we are walking somewhere and she something about her shoes hurting her feet. Then with out her asking I would try to remember that and later give her a nice foot massage. If one pays attention there is a lot of stuff like that a guy can pick up on but you really have to listen… As far as your berry stunt, I would have thrown them in your face as well. That is totally a passive aggressive behavior and is childish at best. I do have to say that if you had to squeeze an apology out of him like that then I am sorry for you. The guy sounds like an ass. We have already hashed out this “cheating” thing but he did and is still doing something that hurts your feelings and does not seem to care. That is wrong and you should not be treated like that. Now to risk another personal attack at myself I see a pattern in your behavior that maybe you should reflect on. -You are forcing him not to look at porn (he obviously wants to regardless of what he has said to you) -You are forcing him to apologize to you -You tried to force him to make it up to you -You are forcing him to agree that he is jerk And that is only what you have said in this thread. Is it possible that you are squeezing so tight that he has become resentful and is pulling away form you? I am just bringing this up because I have a bad feeling that if you try to force him to do some “little things” for you then it will just backfire. So what am I suppose to do? Sit back, be miserable, let him cheat, let him not apologize for the wrong he's caused? That's what i'm supposed to do right? Just sit back take as best care of him and make him as happy as I can while he walks all over me and does **** for me? How am I supposed to get what I want without letting him know I feel or what i want? People can't read minds. Read the thread about me breaking my arm and tell me, why should anyone be treated that way? Maybe I am pushing him away a little bit, but if he would only comprehend it takes little effort to show he cares and actually do it then I would leave him the **** alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 -----You are forcing him not to look at porn (he obviously wants to regardless of what he has said to you) -You are forcing him to apologize to you -You tried to force him to make it up to you -You are forcing him to agree that he is jerk------ This part... What should I have done? Ignored it? Stormed out? Or kept being the nice girl I am? Please do tell me because if I just let it go and kept being nice he still wouldn't have given a damn! Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Here goes then.... -You are forcing him to apologise to you He cheated twice, he's lucky he's still in the relationship. -You tried to force him to make it up to you She has every right to force this immoral, un-faithful snake to do whatever she choses, again, he cheated twice, he's lucky he's still in the relationship. -You are forcing him to agree that he is jerk A JERK! He's more than a jerk! For a 3rd time, he cheated twice, he's lucky he's still in the relationship. IMO You either have to forgive him & forget about all of this, which I suspect will be hard to do, or dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
CrushedOrgans Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 no. at least not anyone i've ever known. honestly. ever. i think they're cheesy and lame, and i've not heard anyone say differently. see that? it's called clarification. now back to darkshadows problem. you gave some good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 Another thing... -You are forcing him not to look at porn (he obviously wants to regardless of what he has said to you) I questioned him again on his opnion on porn and if his boundaries still stand. He said "yes I still believe it is cheating and I think I have a problem because I got use to masterbating to it when you were away for so long." Could be a lie, might not be, whatever. He said he would like to watch it with me and occasionally thinks it would be nice to watch it again BUT with me, but he knows that won't happen for awile. I am not forcing him to do anything really. Just forcing him to keep his word. You make a promise with your partner and break it... That's bs. Should've kept his word to begin with. I even told him "You know baby, if you hadn't started this whole looking at porn is cheating boundary with me, yet I found out you were looking at porn I wouldn't be half as mad at you as I am now." He might have been watching porn when he made this boundary with me, but just didn't want me watching it, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 see that? it's called clarification. now back to darkshadows problem. you gave some good advice. Who gave good advice? *lost* heh... too much bs running in my head.. I hate being a woman, we never stop thinking! Grr. Link to post Share on other sites
CrushedOrgans Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Who gave good advice? sorry, hun. spiderman did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 Oh ok I"m just wondering if I should just keep being nice and not saying anything else and in a month if nothing changes then go ok baby I've had enough we need to talk or what. I don't like the feeling of presuring him. I don't want to be that kind of girl. I mean to be so blunt as to tell me "You know what I'm not taking you out. I don't care anymore. I don't care I cheated, etc." Then the next minute on his knees apologizing has got me all confused. He's sending me mixed signals and I can't read them. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 -----You are forcing him not to look at porn (he obviously wants to regardless of what he has said to you) -You are forcing him to apologize to you -You tried to force him to make it up to you -You are forcing him to agree that he is jerk------ This part... What should I have done? Ignored it? Stormed out? Or kept being the nice girl I am? Please do tell me because if I just let it go and kept being nice he still wouldn't have given a damn! That is kind of my point... I am not sure how things used to be between you to but I think there is nothing you can do. You can not force people to do things, in the long run it will not work. State your needs and if he can't or does not want to meet them then find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
tony_pjp Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Cheating by loooking at porn, well that's a news to me. Didn't know you can cheat that way, I''ll remember that. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkShadows Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 Cheating by loooking at porn, well that's a news to me. Didn't know you can cheat that way, I''ll remember that. LOL Hahahaha! Yeah that is a funny one! Maybe you should read the whole post, or all of them. Then laugh? Link to post Share on other sites
CrushedOrgans Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Oh ok I"m just wondering if I should just keep being nice and not saying anything else and in a month if nothing changes then go ok baby I've had enough we need to talk or what. I don't like the feeling of presuring him. I don't want to be that kind of girl. i know what you mean. it's like you want to spare him getting upset or angry or annoyed at you at having to have a discussion, but at the same time, it's like "wait a minute...I'M the one who's been wronged here, so why I am so concerned about how he feels about talking about it?!" been there. and it sucks. feel free to read my first ever thread here. it mimics yours quite a bit, actually. and you'll see that you're not the only person who gets ripped a new one for thinking something is inappropriate and unacceptable within your own personal relationship. and if you do read them and you don't get through all of them, i can tell you that things can work out. it takes patience and time and all that stuff, from both of you, but when a lack of trust is the problem, it has to be built back up, ESPECIALLY by the person who screwed up. otherwise, nobody gets over it, you feel like he's off the hook while you're still stewing. and that's not fair to you, and it's not fair for him to think "well i got caught, but as long as it's not brought up, i'm in the clear." screw that. relationships do not work that way. and if you're going to just let it go, you'll never get over it because you'll keep it in and still be hurt and angry...and at that point, the question would be "what is the point of this relationship when all the choices or solutions to the problem suck and you're unhappy. good luck, i hope posting is helping you. i know it helped me. even the rude jerks can have a point that does make you think and realize things you haven't considered before. everyone must get their credit, i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
CrushedOrgans Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Cheating by loooking at porn, well that's a news to me. Didn't know you can cheat that way, I''ll remember that. LOL there's no need to be rude. i am sure there are lots of things, like penis size, that would hurt your feelings if someone laughed about it. you're a "new" member. don't be a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 One day he asked me why I am so miserable and I didn't know the answer. So the next day while he was at work I was thinking about it and came to the conclusion because he broke my trust and cheated on me. That whole entire day that was all I could think about. I called him on his lunch break and he said he was having a bad day, so that night (around 11:30 pm) I made him a cup of tea and walked half way from his job and home and sat on a bench until he showed up and gave him that warm tea and cookies to accompany it. So he could sit down half way home and relax a bit. In hopes that would put a smile on his face even though I was flipping miserable! He didn't even say thanks. Hardly a hug. When we got up from the bench he kissed my hand and I asked did you like that and he said "Yes that was cute." That's the crap I do for him. When I'm miserable I make him happy. When's it my turn... So you've been unhappy for a while and he asked you why, and you pondered this for a while and came to the conclusion that he was making you unhappy? I'm not excuseing his actions, although I don't see a problem with porn and I figured, reading the intial posts, that he just told you what you wanted to hear and thought he would never get caught.... But maybe you are unhappy yourself, and are projecting onto this issue, albeit an issue, but perhaps not as big as you are making it into. I've done this myself in the past and have had to get help normalizing my moods because I get really, really depressed, and project onto other people and end up blowing minor issues up into huge fights because I was really just unhappy jmyself. Just a thought. Maybe you should focus more on YOU, rather than on him or the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I understand exactly were your coming from your probly thinking "arent I enough" Anyways if I was you I would ask him that very same question,and tell him that you just never going to be comfortable with it and if he really loves you and thinks you worth it then he should stop but if doesnt then i guess you should get used to it or just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 sorry, hun. spiderman did. Thanks CO - I didn't mean to offend in my previous post Link to post Share on other sites
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