Ophelia78 Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Just wondered if anyone has been through something similar to this. There is someone I can't get out of my mind and it's driving me crazy. Before my husband and I got married, during a period when we were broken up (about four years ago), I briefly dated his best friend Steve (I know, bad idea)! It was a very short affair and unconsummated. I had very much fancied him for a long time, but then realised we were incompatible. I quickly went back to my then-boyfriend, now husband, and we are very happy. My husband and I at first tried to remain friends with Steve but Steve would not forgive my husband or me. From his perspective my husband had finished with me, then saw Steve with me, got jealous and wanted me back. I guess he thought my husband was only trying to spite him or something. So basically we have not seen him for three years, despite him living only five minutes or so away from us. He has a girlfriend now. The problem is that on and off for the past year, I can't get Steve out of my mind. My husband and I are very good friends with one of Steve's brothers and his name obviously comes up a lot, which does not help. I don't know why this is happening, especially as I am very, very happy with my husband and have no complaints. I fantasise about Steve, wish I could see him, wonder if he still fancies me, etc. I know how stupid this sounds. I did at one point try to contact Steve but he will not speak to us, and his brother has suggested to him that we could all go out together but he refuses; is he still angry after all this time?? Once he even came to his brother's house when we were there, not realising we were there. His girlfriend came in to say hello to us but he wouldn't come inside as my husband and I were there. Am I crazy or stupid for wanting to see him? I keep thinking that if I could see him again, even briefly, it would remove all the fantasising and ridiculous thoughts. Maybe it's the fact of him refusing to see us that makes the idea of it all the more appealing? Any opinions would be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Yeah I'd try to let this one go. Respect Steve's wishes and do not try to contact him again. I do think that the fact that he lives nearby and your residual curiosity/fascination with his refusal to see you or your husband all serve to flame this fire of fantasy. There is something very compelling about someone who is attracted to us, even if we don't reciprocate or at least not to the same extent. Perhaps the degree of Steve's response to the situation leaves you with a feeling that he really still pines for you, and you can't help but feel a bit titillated by it. I don't know if that is the reason he refuses to stay friends, but just food for thought. If this just amounts to occasional musings, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If you feel that you are obsessing, you might want to talk to a counselor. I don't know all the details, but if your husband were willing to stay friends with Steve and Steve is the one being angry and immature, then I say you should thank your lucky stars that you made the right choice!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ophelia78 Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Thanks so much for the reply luvstarved. I know you are right. I have not been as busy with work as usual over the past few weeks which probably leads me to obsess a lot more than I usually would. It is good to hear this advice from someone - I am unable and unwilling to tell anyone I know about this, partly because of how stupid I feel for it. You're definitely right that I got the less immature and angry one! I did give up Steve for very good reasons but as the years go by they get more foggy in my mind. I will have to focus on reminding myself of all the reasons I broke up with him in the first place. I appreciate your very good advice! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Maybe it's the fact of him refusing to see us that makes the idea of it all the more appealing? That's exactly what it sounds like. Let it go. You're not going to gain anything by obssessing about this, and you could end up hurting your husband and your marriage if you don't just drop it. Steve has moved on - you should too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 You're wasting energy and time on this guy Steve. He doesn't want you or your husband in his life, so respect that... And you allowing yourself to fantasize about him so much isn't a good thing for your marriage. It's pointless! Steve is NOT a part of your life, and shouldn't be, all things considering. Do your best to move on. And, tell your friend that keeps mentioning his name, to stop! Think of your husband, focus on him only...THe past is in the past... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ophelia78 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Share Posted September 1, 2006 Sigh...you all are right. It's good to hear it from outside parties! Thanks for the responses. It's made me feel much better about the whole thing. I am definitely going to concentrate on hubby. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 Sounds like Steve was the more mature person in your relationship. He obviously realizes you are poison for him and refuses to partake. Give thanks that he remains wiser than you. Link to post Share on other sites
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