I'm TheWife-my story finally

[EnigmaXOXO]

So do I feel stupid for having stayed on this M this long to a man who doesn't respect the M and me? Absolutetly.

 

Whoa!

 

You have absolutely nothing to feel "stupid" about. It isn't as if you were aware that he was leading a double life and chose to ignore it hoping it would change. You were railroaded, defrauded, bamboozled and "tricked" into this marriage from the moment he pretended to be someone he was not. No dignity on your part has been lost here, and you need to hold your head up high and remember that. Never assume blame for someone else's deception if you were not aware it was happening.

 

This can happen to any one of us, at any time, at any given moment. Even those of us who would like to think we are more experienced, cautious and intuitive than most when it comes to recognizing good character.

 

There is something deeply disturbing about someone who can weave a lie with such charisma that they have SO MANY other's convinced that they are genuine and sincere. I've know people like this … and they're frightening! Considering the way you went about verifying your suspicions, you certainly don't seem like a gullible woman to me. And the part about him grabbing your face and declaring that he was "in control" of your marriage raised the hair on my arms … and if that wasn't enough to scare you, than it should have been.

 

You stay strong, and you do what you need to look after yourself. What ever you decide, best of luck and God's speed!

[Ladyjane14]

Oh, he also said for me "to not wallow in my own misery."

 

You know... the WS never seems to realize that the really hard part for the BS... is abandoning the wayward to his/her misery. From our perspective we SEE the bleakness of the road laid out before them, and loving them... we don't want them to face going down it alone.

 

I've made the "moving on" decision before. Happily, it turned out differently than I had expected, and my husband and I are recovered at this time. But I lived the moment... experienced the reality of it. What I discovered was that my fear wasn't so much that I was going to miss him... it was that he was going to miss ME.

 

I could SEE the future laid out before him almost as if it had already happened.

In the beginning, he would've had some new experiences and had some fun, true enough. But in the end... cam-wh*res do what they do for a REASON. He would've never been emotionally supported in a relationship where HE would be required to bolster someone else's flagging self-esteem or cater to their drama. What's worse.... he would've become filled with self-loathing for defecting from his value-system as well as his family.

 

Although I do believe he would've rationalized it so well that he NEVER would have fully understood where his unhappiness stemmed from. He would've become just another angry, bitter, man... blaming his ex-wife for all his troubles.

 

I, on the other hand, would've been just fine. I'd have been sad for awhile of course.... but then I would have let it go and moved on.

 

At that point, and considering that the only choice left available to me by my spouse's infidelity and continued inability to meet ENS, would be to end the marriage... I would NOT have been left with persistant doubts about the choice I'd made. There's only one left. When your spouse backs you into that kind of corner.... you don't have to do a whole lot of second-guessing later on.

 

Nope.... it's the WS who's left to wonder, stuck in a quagmire reliving his decisions.

The BS is free to move on.

[NoIDidn't]

OMG!!!

 

TW, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, even the threat about the car can be understood. The cheater trying to make his actions yours! Ha! He should have it so good.

 

I say let her have him. I usually say try to save the M. But Moto is a classic narcissist and needs some serious help. But like the classic NPD, he will only use the words to justify his anger.

 

Since he is still in IC, you should go too. Find out what makes you find these kinds of men attractive. I have dated this type and have learned that they stroked my low self-esteem while I made them feel "knightly". Find your own IC, you won't regret it (if they are good).

 

I don't know personally the feelings that you might be feeling with this being your second M, but I think you should put the hard work in for someone who will work WITH you.

 

But then you might also find that his freetime with the OW will make him want to be with you. Still. Let HER have him. Especially since she still wants him.

[TheWife]

Thanks EnigmaXOXO, NoIDidn't, & LadyJane.

 

LadyJane, Mz Pixie you two are a real hoot! WE talk the same language!!

 

Few months ago, I had one IC with our MC to help me put things into perspective. It was very helpful. I did beat myself up for thinking how stupid I was to allow this man to treat me.

 

Throughout our R and M I held my ground against him. It was my assertive/aggressive nature. I think it's probably what infuriates H the most that I'm not one to easily back down. But, it is also a quality he repeatedly "used to" claim he admired, love and adored. He knows I'm not afraid to go toe-to-toe with anyone or a company. He's seen me do it. I've challenged my union when I saw a wrong was being done against a group of flight attendants and won. The union refunded dues. He knows I'm not afraid to ruffle feathers.

 

Perhaps, deep down, I emulate what my H wishes he can be, but can never be. This is another thing my H, suddenly I realize, detests....my witty sarcasm which at one time he used to adore and would crack a smile on his Ben Affleck/Dylan McDermott chiseled face. Drinking wine now (cabernet) so if my words flow off the eloquent mark, I can "justify" by blaming on this fermented grape juice. Mind you, for those who haven't tried and don't drink red wine, try it. I don't have to wear my reading focals to type this in 10 fonts. I can actually read what I'm writing. LOL!

 

Back on track....then came the passive OW, completely opposite of me who kisses the ground H walks on. According to her emails to him she often wrote how she "would do anything to please him" and always inquiring for him to let her know what else she can do. OK, let me puke.... This is the same woman who told me for me to trust him. My response? In my "blunt/tactless/aggressive" style which my H beautifully descriped me, I said in my modern Katherine Hepburn, "Are you F***** nuts? You want me to trust my H who is scewing you?" She hung up at the reality of hearing me blow her with the truth. Yes folks, this is the very woman, whom my H professes to love or be "in love" yet, describes her to his IC and our MC as weak, too easy and enjoys her "acts of service." Poor girl, if she only knew. ANd yep, they truly deserve one another. In fact more so now. As it turned out, on one of her emails, they had "lovers quarrel" about her doing her next door neighbor in exchange for home repairs. And my H seemed jelous! Anybody has a giant silver platter I can use to hand my H over to his OW?

 

Today, and all day, I barely glanced at my H. Whatever remote glimmer of hope I used to hang on to for this M and for him, it's GONE. GONE. GONE. The times I did glanced at him, it wasn't of love but more of pity. I thought to myself. He looked emotionally detached. In fact, one of his closest friends whom I IM last week, described their phone conversation excatly that. Emotionally detached from reality and superficial.

 

Thank God, his mother is not alive to see him this way. It would break her heart to see that her eldest, the one whom she thought of with high regards, the one who had everything in making the family proud was capable of lying and swearing her life on her deathbed just to protect his affair and OW. I blasted him for it. This will be his cross to bear forever. God help his soul. But knowing how skillful as my H is, he did say that at the time he swore on his mother's life, he wasn't seeing the OW. My reply? "You mean that at that very moment you were being asked the question right? Even though you called your OW two minutes before you swore on your mother's life, right?" His reply....none.

 

Last week was our last MC. It was poignant. For 15 sessions, nothing was resolved. H, despite that our MC and his IC advised that he closed his "private" PO Box, H never followed through. All his mails went to that PO BOX. His excuse for not dropping it? Becasue it was the last thing he had that I didn't have control over! Yep! I even offered to pay the $75 he paid AND told him that if our M didn't work, he could always get another one AND if he moved elsewhere, he would still have to put in a CHANGE of address. Can anyone smell a rat azz reason here?

 

Two days ago, I stopped wearing my wedding ring. It was also the day I bought and wore a T-shirt with "FREEDOM" across it. That was the best $6.00 therapy! Then I got hit on by a kid young enough to be my son! At 46 years old! It felt so good that I wore it the next day. Does it sound like I'm suffering at the moment?

[Ripples]

Two days ago, I stopped wearing my wedding ring. It was also the day I bought and wore a T-shirt with "FREEDOM" across it. That was the best $6.00 therapy! Then I got hit on by a kid young enough to be my son! At 46 years old! It felt so good that I wore it the next day. Does it sound like I'm suffering at the moment?

 

Fabulous, just fabulous. You're a very strong, classy lady

[TheWife]

I will never date a passive person again, I'll tell you that. They're far more dangerous, because you never see it coming, and they've buried their anger for so long that it completely subsumes reality.

 

H is the first passive guy I've ever dated. That's probably what attracted me in the beginning. I usually dated guys who were equally assertive as I or more.

 

I agree with you you. It's the quiet ones you really have to watch out for because they're like walking time bomds. I will never date another guy who is passive.

[UnknowingOW]

COMPLETELY understand about the passive man. My xFiance was that and more...complete committment phobic too. I think the xMM was passive as well, but don't really know and don't really care.

 

I had always dated the more assertive types because I am assertive myself. And low-n-behold I date a passive man. WHAT A MISTAKE that was. The xMM of course was probably passive because he never told me he was married. When I confronted him in June he just cried and appologized that he never wanted to hurt me; that he was in love with me...WHATEVER lying dog!

 

The worst part about the xMM he never would have told me he was married. He hadn't for 5-years. However, my gut feeling said something is not right and I researched him to find out he was in fact married.

 

Stay strong Wife. This is only the beginning of the rollercoaster...it isn't easy.

[TheWife]

Last night, H left around 7:30 to go get something to eat, then go for a drive to the beach and write in his journal, and then maybe to his late mother's house to visit his sister. No more I love Us between us. I just said, ok.

 

Called his cell around a little past midnight and left a message that I hope he's ok and call just to let me know. Called again half hour later. Didn't bother leaving him a message. Knowing his sister is a night owl and thinking perhaps he is still w/her, I called. H wasn't there but that she called him around 10:30 and haven't heard from him either. We exchanged the "Hmmmmm? She asked me how things were. I told her not good and then finally told her what happened Sunday when H grabbed my face. She was shocked.

 

As we talked, a call was coming in. Knew it was H. But didn't want to cut off his sister. Seconds later, my cell rang and it was him. Told his sister, well "at leas we know he's still alive." We hung up and I ran to pick up my cell. Here's the talk:

 

Me: Glad to hear that you're still alive. Where are you?

H: I'm on the 91 headed home from the beach.

Me: (thinking and expecting that he might've gone to see his OW which no longer hits me in the same way as before) Why the 91?

H: Went to Redondo Beach, drank a couple of beers, and went to see a movie....I'm surprised you even called. I didn't think you cared....I'm worth more dead than alive! You're the beneficiary on my life insurance!

Me: Cry me a river, why don't you? Like you cared about me when I didn't come home one night last week? Not one time did you even bothered to call if I were OK?

H: Well....I thought you wanted to be left alone. I knew you'd come home eventually...

Me: (I wanted to say "you selfish SOB" but it was pointless) You know what, it's pointless at this point...I'm not going to play your game. I'll see you when you get home....Bye.

 

I realize my H will never get the whole picture of what he does. And when and if he does, I realize it will take him a very, very long time to to so. On the other hand, I can't fault him for it. For 40+ years, his upbringing has trained him to avoid conflicts. He's been trained to repress his emotions. Because of it, he lacks the skills to deal with conficts when they hit him head on. And when he's been married to someone, like me, who is completely opposite of him, his world is turned upside down.

 

This is not to say that I don't have my own issues. We all do. After all, we are all a sum product of our upbringing. Thankfully, because of my upbringing of dealing with conflicts and having acquired the learned behavior of "telling it like it is" which I can be just as diplomatic as any politician or a professional person, albeit my H's description of being tactless, I have been able to recognize what I don't like about myself and try to change it.

 

In one our MC, H pointed out how I "never made any changes". Here's how it went:

 

H: I'm always the one changing.

Me: Whoa! And you're saying I haven't changed?

H: YES!

Me: Let's see. I packed up my life from Northern California to move to Southern California because of your job knowing full well I don't like it down here. But I did and I adjusted. Then, you complained about me nagging and complaining. So I stopped.

H: Yeah. I do notice did change.

Me: When you call to tell me you're going to hang out with your friends? What do I say? I say, Great! Have a great time.

H: Yes, that your did. And you're right.

Me: Just because I don't go out of my way to announce to the world that doesn't mean I won't change. You accuse me of not changing. I have and I did! Moving down here was a big change! You accuse me of not listening. I do and I have. You know that of me. I just do it.

H: Hmmmmmm......

Me: I've always told you that I don't care what you do just as long as what you do does not affect me or our M!

H: Hmmmmmm....

 

This scenario has been repeated many times with each MC. It's as futile as trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

[Mz. Pixie]

If I had to guess all the times he said he was with his "friends" he was with OW.

 

Not sure why you're still calling and checking up on him.

[TheWife]

If I had to guess all the times he said he was with his "friends" he was with OW.

 

Not sure why you're still calling and checking up on him.

 

Good point. I did think that this is how it would come across. I also know that my calling him would appear I was checking up on him. But I also don't hate him. I hate what he did. I hate how he handled everything. I am angry at what he did. But I'm also not that heartless. I also know that hating someone takes a big bite out of our spirit. And if we're not careful, it can consume us to a point which we end up resenting everyone and everything around us. And I just choose to not get myself to this point. His A and lies pretty much took that spirit. I'm not about to let hatred add to it. What he does with his time outside our home he will do as he pleases. He's proven it that much. That much I know. I also expect that he will resume a relationship w/OW. BUt I've already decided I can no longer be with a man who has proven repeatedly he cannot be honest.

 

Does it hurt to think that he "might be" with the OW? Absolutely! But I also have the choice to either let it eat me up or just let go. I choose the latter. BUt it's a process, a gradual one that with time, the impact of that thought diminishes. How long it will take is entirely up to me. It's equally the same difficult process when a WS must go "cold turkey" once a NC is in placed. Different end of the spectrum, but with similar process.

 

There are no quick fix recipes to fix betrayal, pain, hurt, anger and resentment. But it comes down to making committment to ourselves on how we handle each one. Some are able to do relatively quickly simply by their sheer determination, while some are gradual, and then there are those who never recover from it. Depending how we view life in general, determines where iwe belong in this spectrum.

 

I've always viewed each morning/day as an "opportunity" to live. And I will make the best of it. Do I have moments that I just want to die? Absolutely! But then again, one look at my dog, I get up. She needs her walk. My garden needs to be watered and attend to, the house cleaned, call friends, work on my business, and look for opportunities to grow.

 

Don't mean to get philosophical. But, I hear what you're thinking.

[Ladyjane14]

Last night, H left around 7:30 to go get something to eat, then go for a drive to the beach and write in his journal, and then maybe to his late mother's house to visit his sister. No more I love Us between us. I just said, ok.

 

Another case of.... Words - Action = Bullsh*t

 

Words: "I want to stay together and work on the marriage."

Action: WH with ZERO credibility, disappears for hours on end without a trace. BW doesn't know if he's with OW, dead in a ditch, or just off pouting. But no matter, he's NOT at home attempting to "work on the marriage".

 

People who sincerely want to recover their marriage, prioritize THE MARRIAGE. They do the best job they can to identify and fulfill their spouse's ENs. They negotiate to have their own ENs met. They don't play these mind-games.

 

And yes.... I'd certainly call it a "mind-game" when you take an already insecure BS and deliberately put her into a position in which she's left guessing. Again, forcing the BS into a corner in which she's left without viable options regarding reconciliation.

 

I don't get it.

He went to MC with you, right? This seems so BASIC to me. It's not rocket science. If you give your partner CAUSE for insecurity, you don't pile on more "cause for insecurity".

 

Your WH has cheated on you for two and a half years of your three year marriage. Then, when given the opportunity to repair it.... (and if you utilized the MB program, you would have given him AMPLE opportunity)... he sabotages it instead. What's up with that?

He couldn't have screwed this up more if he'd had a ROADMAP.

[Gawdfatha]

Well, it just goes to show you that getting married is an extremely bad idea for most people. Marriage puts too much power in 1 persons hands. It's best to keep lovers and friends a seperate thing. Learn to love living by yourself, for yourself. I know that that may seem difficult now, but once you get use to it, it is truly a beautiful thing. Everyone seems to want a "significant other". Well, I don't need one. I am already significant. I don't need a significant other. So, maybe just concentrating on yourself and pleasing yourself is what you need. It works for me.

[TheWife]

Another case of.... Words - Action = Bullsh*t

 

Words: "I want to stay together and work on the marriage."

Action: WH with ZERO credibility, disappears for hours on end without a trace. BW doesn't know if he's with OW, dead in a ditch, or just off pouting. But no matter, he's not at home attempting to "work on the marriage".

 

People who sincerely want to recover their marriage, prioritize THE MARRIAGE. They do the best job they can, identifying and fulfilling their spouse's ENs. They negotiate to have their own ENs met. They don't play these mind-games.

 

And yes.... I'd certainly call it a "mind-game" when you take an already insecure BS and deliberately put her into a position in which she's left guessing. Again, forcing the BS into a corner in which she's left without viable options regarding reconciliation.

 

I don't get it.

He went to MC with you, right? This seems so BASIC to me. It's not rocket science. If you give your partner CAUSE for insecurity, you don't pile on more "cause for insecurity".

 

Your WH has cheated on you for two and a half years of your three year marriage. Then, when given the opportunity to repair it.... and if you utilized the MB program, you would have given him AMPLE opportunity... he sabotages it instead. What's up with that?

He couldn't have screwed this up more if he'd had a ROADMAP.

 

That's just it Ladyjane, H has no committment to the M, only to himself. I don't know why he keeps going to his IC when he has no intention of following their advise. My friends said the same exact thing you're saying!

 

H is the only guy I've ever been with who have read soooo much self-help books, gone to self-improvement seminars such as the Hoffman Institutue, Sterling Institute, and continues to read such, BUT he does NOT implement ANY of the principles! I don't get it!!!

 

I honestly think there is something else going on. His background: His brother who lives in a shipping container, slightly above that of a homeless person is a pathalogical liar and everyone in his family knows it to the point that no one believes him. His sister (youngest) suffers from depression. She too lies. Ya think there's a connection here?

 

When his Mom went to ICU, (two weeks before she passed away) I rushed to the hospital to see her. GAve her a massage to help her blood circulation. Told her I'd come back and see her the next day. H was in Detroit (certain OW was there).

 

On the way to the hospital, H calls me to tell me to turn around and go home. Confused, I asked why? He said, his Mom "wasn't ready to see me?" H was on the phone w/his sister. His sister told him that she was denied access to see their Mom because I was there and that the hospital only allowed 1 family member at a time. I said, that was a crap of b***sh*t. Told H that 1) his mother said his sister had just left to go home 2) if his sister were there, she would've seen me go in and out of ICU 3) knowing how control freak his sister is, she would've asked who was in the room w/their Mom and I would've been told to leave 4) talked the the nurse, there is no such 1 family member policy.

 

Bottom line: I should've asked permission from his sister to see their Mom. As a result, that was the last time I ever saw their Mom alive. I was hurt and felt rejected. Told my H, that my mother and family would have never treated you the way your mom and family treated me. I called my Mom and she was just speechless and shocked.

 

I almost didn't go to their Mom's Memorial service. But, like I said in my reply to MzPixie, I'm not heartless. I went because it was the right thing to do. I've forgiven their Mom and them. I knew if I didn't go, I'd have to answer to the Big Guy upstairs when it's my turn to meet Him.

[Ladyjane14]

There are no quick fix recipes to fix betrayal, pain, hurt, anger and resentment. But it comes down to making committment to ourselves on how we handle each one. Some are able to do relatively quickly simply by their sheer determination, while some are gradual, and then there are those who never recover from it. Depending how we view life in general, determines where iwe belong in this spectrum.

 

I dunno, TW.

 

It occurs to me that there is a pretty quick fix actually.... or at least a damn good start. It's just that some people can't seem to commit to it.

 

What I'm talking about is prioritizing your partner's needs as if they were your own, and doing it consistantly.

 

This is an idea that Motoman has apparently NEVER been willing to commit himself to. Every "change" that he needed to accomplish could have been borne of that one simple premise.

 

It's not enough for one person to do it. Because that person will begin to feel USED in the relationship, much as you do now. They say it takes TWO to make it and just ONE to break it. If you ask me, that's why.

[Mz. Pixie]

Does it hurt to think that he "might be" with the OW? Absolutely! But I also have the choice to either let it eat me up or just let go. I choose the latter.

 

Respectfully I don't believe that this is true. If it wasn't bothering you you wouldn't have called him.

 

I think you're awesome and I love the way you're handling this so I hope my comments do not take away from that. I'm just saying, you still love him- and this habit is finding itself hard to be broken. You've had to check up on him for the last two years right?

 

LJ is right- he's not acting like he wants to fix anything!

[Ladyjane14]

I honestly think there is something else going on. His background: His brother who lives in a shipping container, slightly above that of a homeless person is a pathalogical liar and everyone in his family knows it to the point that no one believes him. His sister (youngest) suffers from depression. She too lies. Ya think there's a connection here?

 

I'm not a professional, but yeah.... sounds like there's some kind of dysfunction in the family. Alcoholism perhaps?

 

One of the hallmarks of the Adult Child is that 'they lie even when the truth would do'.

[TheWife]

I dunno, TW.

 

It occurs to me that there is a pretty quick fix actually.... or at least a damn good start. It's just that some people can't seem to commit to it.

 

What I'm talking about is prioritizing your partner's needs as if they were your own, and doing it consistantly.

 

This is an idea that Motoman has apparently NEVER been willing to commit himself to. Every "change" that he needed to accomplish could have been borne of that one simple premise.

 

It's not enough for one person to do it. Because that person will begin to feel USED in the relationship, much as you do now. They say it takes TWO to make it and just ONE to break it. If you ask me, that's why.

 

That's just it. There's a big difference between "can't" and "won't".

 

Can't is an excuse. Won't is a decision. And you're right on the money! My H, the MotoMan, has NEVER been willing to commit. And he's done everything to justify why, short of wanting to have his cake and eating it too. He can't even answer MzPixie's questions. He's still trying to make himself appear the stellar, charming, loving, and sensitive person. He generally doles up advise to H2T, but he won't take those advice himself. Is there something wrong with this picture?

[TheWife]

Respectfully I don't believe that this is true. If it wasn't bothering you you wouldn't have called him.

 

I think you're awesome and I love the way you're handling this so I hope my comments do not take away from that. I'm just saying, you still love him- and this habit is finding itself hard to be broken. You've had to check up on him for the last two years right?

 

LJ is right- he's not acting like he wants to fix anything!

 

No worries here from my end. Prior to D-day, didn't go through this. Never had the need to check up on him. Calls usually were to let me know when he left, approx what time he was coming home to coordinate dinner plans. There was no reason for me to doubt him before A. He put on a pretty good act as the perfect husband that his loving wife would never suspect.

 

We still love each other. You can't just flip that emotion off. But, we know that neither one of us want to live miserably. What he doesn't realize or seem to get is that he wants two women. I want a H without a mistress. So there lies the dilemma.

[TheWife]

I'm not a professional, but yeah.... sounds like there's some kind of dysfunction in the family. Alcoholism perhaps?

 

One of the hallmarks of the Adult Child is that 'they lie even when the truth would do'.

Not aware of alcoholism. His brother did recreational drugs. His sister has perhaps become addicted to pain killers.

 

Maybe, if they opened up more and talk about what's going on, it may help them get out of their depression....but I'm no professional expert either.

[Roo]

This is not to say that I don't have my own issues. We all do. After all, we are all a sum product of our upbringing. Thankfully, because of my upbringing of dealing with conflicts and having acquired the learned behavior of "telling it like it is" which I can be just as diplomatic as any politician or a professional person, albeit my H's description of being tactless, I have been able to recognize what I don't like about myself and try to change it.

 

I do not believe that this is true, it is to a point but at some point in our adulthood we have to own the responibility for our own actions, we as adults can make the choice to try and get beyond the dysfunctional cycles that we grew up with , we are not without the ability to choose to live differently.

 

If he chooses to be a miserable lying sack of you know what, that's his choice... you can choose to have better for yourself. (and I hope you get it)

 

You'll notice I rec. These books a lot but check out Harriet Lerners books (Dance of... Anger, Intimacy, Deception etc) they sound like they'd be good for you with where your head is at right now.

 

Good luck, and try and keep your head up.

[TheWife]

I do not believe that this is true, it is to a point but at some point in our adulthood we have to own the responibility for our own actions, we as adults can make the choice to try and get beyond the dysfunctional cycles that we grew up with , we are not without the ability to choose to live differently.

 

If he chooses to be a miserable lying sack of you know what, that's his choice... you can choose to have better for yourself. (and I hope you get it)

 

You'll notice I rec. These books a lot but check out Harriet Lerners books (Dance of... Anger, Intimacy, Deception etc) they sound like they'd be good for you with where your head is at right now.

 

Good luck, and try and keep your head up.

 

Thanks, Roo.

 

Agreed. The problem with H, is that he has not been WILLING to take responsibilities. Lying has become his way of life and he's managed to pull it off for a long time. Plain and simple. And as long as his friends and his OW believes in him, it gives H the validation and power to not have to change because in order to do so would mean having to surrender or give up who he is as a person. This thinking resonated repeately throughout our MC.

[Roo]

well then you have to choices TW...

 

MOVE ON

 

or Accept this dysfunctional way of life as your own.

 

I believe I read somewhere back that you were actually hoping to have children some day...

 

Think long and hard about this girl... do you really want to bring children into this, and continue this cycle? Even if he wants to and tries to change he's had a LONG track record of being this way WITH YOU.

 

((HUGS)) I gotta an extra pair of boots if you'd like somone else's foot up his a$$.

[TheWife]

well then you have to choices TW...

 

MOVE ON

 

or Accept this dysfunctional way of life as your own.

 

I believe I read somewhere back that you were actually hoping to have children some day...

 

Think long and hard about this girl... do you really want to bring children into this, and continue this cycle? Even if he wants to and tries to change he's had a LONG track record of being this way WITH YOU.

 

((HUGS)) I gotta an extra pair of boots if you'd like somone else's foot up his a$$.

 

Thanks for the laugh!

 

Yep, I'm moving on. H is out looking for a new bachelor's pad today.

 

CHildren is out of the question! Wouldn't want any with him even if I could.

 

As Ladyjane puts it, and every one, he's had ample opportunities to ammend and regain my trust. I'm done.

[Ladyjane14]

You know overall... your story and Motoman's is quite tragic. It seems like you two had alot of love between you. It's such a shame, because it's really no more difficult than following The Golden Rule.... "Do unto others"....

 

Even now, after all that's happened, I get the feeling that you'd still take him back if he could only just give himself over to that one simple principle.

 

I was just commenting on another thread that there's only one reason why my husband and I aren't divorced at this very minute. That's because when he said, "I'll do anything to fix this".... he really meant it.

 

I didn't expect him to move mountains. What I wanted was more basic than that. Prioritizing my feelings as if they were his own. Living by The Golden Rule. These things aren't asking too much of a partner. And really, it doesn't take much more than that.

[Roo]

I'm glad for you TW I have no doubt from reading your posts here that when you do move past this you'll find teh happiness and success that you so deserve and have put off for far too long being married to a liar. I hope the journey brings you as much joy as this one did pain!(((HUGS)))