I'm TheWife-my story finally

[TheWife]

You haven't read my posts on other threads, I can tell. Ok a short version:

 

Almost 40 years or so ago, I met a gal, first "real" love for both of us. Being a stupid kid my eyes wandered and I moved laterally to another gal after a year. I didn’t lose touch of the first gal though. After the second relationship blew up, I couldn’t get in touch with the other gal. She had moved out of state and "moved on". Well not so much.

 

A few years later I met my "ex wife to be" and we married. I didn’t forget. Kids came, marriage difficulties.. we worked through it, or so I thought. By the time the kids were in middle school, I had grown up enough to know that I was "in love" with my wife for real. I believed it would last forever. I rarely thought of the "other gal". Once in a while, I would think back. Usually listening to old music and drinking single malt on the patio.. (a rare occurrence).

 

The best of "thinking back" would be giving my Son "fatherly advice" when he was 17. He had a GF, who adored him. They knew each other for years, he totally took her for granted. Messed her over as a matter of habit (just like dad). I sat him down and talked to him for hours, trying to convince him to grow up and see what was right in front of him. Of course he didn’t/hasn’t. I was speaking from the heart.

 

Anyhow, fast forward to 2001. Wife says … need space etc. There had been a problem a year and a half before after I had my first "illness" had a surgery and came home to "I need space", she relented after a couple of months (she didn’t have her ducks in a row yet). Luckily the worst of the pain came then, not a year and a half later. We went to counseling (described in another post) and I thought things were OK. She treated me like everything was golden for another year.

 

Anyhow.. (complicated eh?) The day my ex gave me the "need space" speech for the second time in two years, she left the house for a while to take a drive and think things over (call her OM). I went to the computer to check my business mail, and it was open to Classmates.com. Well naturally, I typed in my "first’s" name and bingo.. there it was. I didn’t have the password, so I opened my own account and typed a message: "Want to write"? She did. She had joined classmates two days before. Ends up she never got over me. She was married (same length of time I was, same year and month) had two kids, (youngest 17 a year younger than my boy) and claimed her husband was a dolt. Exactly what I needed when I was beaten, battered, and even suicidal.

 

Needless to say, within a couple of months, we were blazing like the sun. Long distance heat (I had already divorced, where I live divorces take 72 hours). It lasted a few months, and she got cold feet

 

We are barely in contact now. Just emails and a call once in awhile. Flowers on "special days" (delivered to her work) Christmas and birthday presents. The romantic love is still there, the inertia isn’t, I don’t really know why and don’t pry. I haven’t "given up hope" I just don’t think about it very often.

 

I haven’t met anyone who made me feel that way.. sadly. As you can guess there’s enough more to fill a small book, but that’s the gist of it.

If I were a psychologist, I'd say you want more than just emails and once in while calls. Now I understand what you meant when you said you haven't been able to get close to another woman. You haven't because your heart is still with this woman. If I were her, I'd wish you get on your "tough" military saddle and march right on and do more than the flowers on "special days" and occasional calls. And I bet your booties that it is what she wants and is hoping that you'll do! That's what we women want!

 

You've been burned before. We all have. But don't let one dishonest woman hold you back. Chances are you probably were not the first man your XW successfully deceived and you surely will not be the last. You say you're "hopeful" but that's just wishful thinking. So, what else do you have to lose? Take it to the next level even if it's just baby steps. NOW is as good as any....Call her and see if you two can get together. I'm sure you remember the recipe for malt. See if she wants to share a glass with you.

 

I knew from your tough exterior, you weren't all that tough under. I knew there was a reason why you seemed angry. See, contrary to what my STBXH claimed, I do listen. I just realized how I was no longer intellectually stimulated in my M. One of my emotional needs. So much time was wasted in being the "life lessons" to H's growing process. You still think I'm a real catch? :D

[LakesideDream]

The Wife, I have been thinking all day about what you wrote this morning. Why don't you PM me.

[whichwayisup]

That's when my daughter had to confess that "Mom" put her up to it so she could get the down on a new car. (she was already living with the OM). Sweet eh?

 

Holy crap! What an awful position your exwife put your daughter in! Her own child!! WTF. I'm glad that she told you what the truth was. Can I ask? How are things now? I mean, does she allow her mom to play her into those petty games still?

[LakesideDream]

Holy crap! What an awful position your exwife put your daughter in! Her own child!! WTF. I'm glad that she told you what the truth was. Can I ask? How are things now? I mean, does she allow her mom to play her into those petty games still?

 

 

It's actually pretty sad. It had happened a couple of time for lesser amounts before. During my daughters college years 2001-2005 I paid her tuition, books and a stipend of $450 a month. I also picked up her medical co-pay's and stuff like that. Even a $1200 bill for wisdom tooth extractions. Not because I had to, as she wasn't in school the year of the divorce, but because I could. It paid off as she is now a teacher, doing very well.

 

Other than the stipend It was always necessary for me to have my daughter call me from the bookstore so I could put the purchases on a credit/or debit card. Ditto with the other expenses. I never asked her if her mother was "helping her".

 

When I asked her mother if she was helping her in an e-mail, I got the answer back: "Hell no! Every dime I might give her would be another dollar in your pocket"

 

The situation has been much the same with my Son. My ex is very angry about Money. She was an accountant. She took care of all the money.. period. I didn't even carry a credit card, unless we were traveling the whole time we were married (25 years). We were allways middle class and broke.

 

Within 4 months of the divorce I was debt free, and unencumbered. She wasn't. Of course I still had my 95 Ford, and she bought a new SUV but that was her choice.

 

BTW men and women out there, when the husband/wife handles all the finances, you never know what's happening. Mine left two boxes of financial records when moving out (by mistake), when I finally looked at them all I could do was shake my head. Hotel Bills, Phone Bills, Credit card bills for Airlines.. it was amazing.

 

The relationship between my daughter and I are fairly strained. She became a "Born Again Christian" and very devote at 15 or so. When she found out that her mother "needed space" (you know where) for another man that was married with kids, she really freaked out. Her first comment was "Dad... I always thought it would be you" (that cheated). Her mother leans on her for emotional support heavily. She visits her mother a few times a year, interstate. Her mother lives 90 miles away from me. I flew her in the first couple of times, and had lunch with her for 90 minutes each time, while she stayed the rest of the week with her mother and her new man. The third time she asked, I politely declined.

 

I have no regrets, I did my job as well as I could. My hope is that we will grow closer as she grows older.

[whichwayisup]

You sound like a good dad. And wow, you've been through alot!

 

Yes, you two will grow closer as time goes on...Just always be there for her, no matter what.

 

And trust me, she appreciates you, loves you very much, even if she doesn't tell you! Daughters always love their dad's. It just is a fact of life.

[LakesideDream]

Five plus years ago when the divorce happened, I went from a pretty tightly wound guy, reaching for the stars, to a pretty unsprung one.

 

It took awhile but in the end I began to be comfortable with being a participant and observer in life rather than a driving force.

 

It may be like being a ball player coming back from an injury, rehabbing, and getting into the game cautiously. Or it may be that something died inside. I just don't know.

[Mz. Pixie]

Holy crap! What an awful position your exwife put your daughter in! Her own child!! WTF. I'm glad that she told you what the truth was. Can I ask? How are things now? I mean, does she allow her mom to play her into those petty games still?

 

Holy crap- were you married to my mother?? This is exactly the kind of stuff she would try to pull.

 

I have one better than that though- this girl that works with me- sweetest cutest girl in the world. Her dad lives in California and is basically a slime- drug addict- etc. He has two kids with her mom. She is just barely 21. A couple of years ago he told her he wanted to buy her a new car. The catch was that he needed something from her school showing what her tuition was so he could withdraw it from his 401K. Her mom wasn't comfortable with that, but the daughter needed a new car for college so she obtained the info and faxed it to him (she was paying the tuition). So, he got the money out of 401K- a years worth of tuition and it was probably $10K or more. When he got the money then he came back and told her he couldn't buy her a new car but that if her mom would sign for her he would pay three payments on it for her. THREE PAYMENTS! That's all she got out of the money. What a f er!

[TheWife]

The Wife, I have been thinking all day about what you wrote this morning. Why don't you PM me.

 

OK, I'll have to figure out how to do this..Stand by.

 

Was out last night starting to live my life. Took my dog to friends house and went to their friends home right on Hungtinton Harbor for BBQ and roasted oysters. It was just awesome. That's the life I want....to be enjoyed. STBXH stayed home....

[TheWife]

It's actually pretty sad. It had happened a couple of time for lesser amounts before. During my daughters college years 2001-2005 I paid her tuition, books and a stipend of $450 a month. I also picked up her medical co-pay's and stuff like that. Even a $1200 bill for wisdom tooth extractions. Not because I had to, as she wasn't in school the year of the divorce, but because I could. It paid off as she is now a teacher, doing very well.

 

Other than the stipend It was always necessary for me to have my daughter call me from the bookstore so I could put the purchases on a credit/or debit card. Ditto with the other expenses. I never asked her if her mother was "helping her".

 

When I asked her mother if she was helping her in an e-mail, I got the answer back: "Hell no! Every dime I might give her would be another dollar in your pocket"

 

The situation has been much the same with my Son. My ex is very angry about Money. She was an accountant. She took care of all the money.. period. I didn't even carry a credit card, unless we were traveling the whole time we were married (25 years). We were allways middle class and broke.

 

Within 4 months of the divorce I was debt free, and unencumbered. She wasn't. Of course I still had my 95 Ford, and she bought a new SUV but that was her choice.

 

BTW men and women out there, when the husband/wife handles all the finances, you never know what's happening. Mine left two boxes of financial records when moving out (by mistake), when I finally looked at them all I could do was shake my head. Hotel Bills, Phone Bills, Credit card bills for Airlines.. it was amazing.

 

The relationship between my daughter and I are fairly strained. She became a "Born Again Christian" and very devote at 15 or so. When she found out that her mother "needed space" (you know where) for another man that was married with kids, she really freaked out. Her first comment was "Dad... I always thought it would be you" (that cheated). Her mother leans on her for emotional support heavily. She visits her mother a few times a year, interstate. Her mother lives 90 miles away from me. I flew her in the first couple of times, and had lunch with her for 90 minutes each time, while she stayed the rest of the week with her mother and her new man. The third time she asked, I politely declined.

 

I have no regrets, I did my job as well as I could. My hope is that we will grow closer as she grows older.

Holy crap! I agree with WWIU. You've done nothing different than be a great and loving father and a devoted H to your XW. If it hadn't been for you, your kids would've been worse off. It's a dirt shame that their mother is immature and haven't defined what "motherhood" suppused to stand for.

 

Is your daughter still involved in the "Born Again Christian" thing? Hope not. I went through that stage myself. Didn't last though, maybe 6 months because the people who ran it and were in it were all so screwed like myself but I wasn't willing to conform to their ideals like them. Yep, the assertive me wasn't going for their loaded b*llsh*t crock pot. So, I jumped ship. All of a sudden, I was labeled the "devil worshipper". Yeah...right...

 

The other side of finances...STBXH & I kept our finances separately. Never had a joint account because I had tax liens from my previous M failed business and didn't want IRS to go after H. During H 2+ year A, I found receipts at restaurants where I've never been, gas receipts which he filled up his and his OW on the same day. Oh, when I confronted him, he denied it. Of course, when I asked him to explain how the h*ll do you go to the same f******g gas station twice on the same f******* day in the same town? H really thought I would fall for the same lousy excuse of, "I don't know how it happened."

 

Yesterday, before I left, I had lunch and offered if he wanted a sandwich as well. I'm not going to be the soon to be bitter XW. I just choose not to be. As we're having lunch, H asked if there was a reason why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. This is how it went. It was a calm conversation.

 

Me: We've already discussed that several days ago. And the answer is that I'm moving on.

H: Then, I guess I should take mine off.

Me: It doesn't matter what you do. For the last 2+ years, you took your ring off when it suited you.

 

Long pause.....

H: I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so sorry that I have hurt you.

Me: (never once glanced at him) I'm over it. I'm over the hurt. I'm sure it will prop up from time to time. But I'm over it.

H: I just wanted to tell you.

Me: (calmly and to the point) You know...your mistress did me a favor....So the next time you talk to her or see her, be sure to thank her for me. Tell her THANK YOU.

 

Grabbed my plate, left the breakfast nook and left. That was a turning point for me. It felt good. I felt relieved. I felt a sense of freedom, not that I haven't the last several days. I wasn't angry. It was almost a bittersweet moment, I think.

[TheWife]

Five plus years ago when the divorce happened, I went from a pretty tightly wound guy, reaching for the stars, to a pretty unsprung one.

 

It took awhile but in the end I began to be comfortable with being a participant and observer in life rather than a driving force.

 

It may be like being a ball player coming back from an injury, rehabbing, and getting into the game cautiously. Or it may be that something died inside. I just don't know.

I can understand how you feel considering what has happened. You trusted your XW the way I trusted my STBXH. There's a lot going on in what you wrote.

 

Maybe you haven't quite come into terms with your XW's betrayal. And what happened along the way is that you began to develop the fear of being betrayed again which is why you have taken the position of "getting into the game cautiously". This speaks volume. This is one reason why you haven't done more above and beyond the "special occasions" flowers and occasional emails and phone calls. You're afraid of getting hurt again. This is quite normal. BUT, there comes a point when you have to decide that all women are not like your XW as I have decided that not ALL men are like my STBXH. But until you decide this, you will continue to tread life cautiously and before you realize it life has passed you by at "warp speed". Remember?

 

Life sucks when things don't go the way we hoped. But that's life. It sucks even more when we are betrayed by those whom we trust and profess to love us. But this is life. Your XW and my STBXH will go on the way they have lived their lives. So will you and I, but as a better people because of it.

 

It's obvious this woman has captured your heart and I know you've captured hers. Take note, Lakeside. IF you keep treading life cautiously and not do more than the "special occassion" flowers and emails, calls and cards, there will be another man who will notice her because he isn't treading life cautiously. And if this still doesn't wake you up, short of me hitting you with a 2x4, go and buy the infredients for that malt and go see her. Tell her how you feel.

 

It's rare for love between two people to come around twice. It's even rarer that love would come around the third time because it usually doesn't. There's a reason why the two of you reconnected the second time around. This is your second chance of what you've been hopingl for but too chicken to go for it. The woman practically has opened the door for you to enter. So, are you just going to stand there?

 

What you wrote here says a lot and it may help explain why you haven't been able to get close to another woman. The metaphors you use say a lot about you. While it's a part of you, and there's humor in it, they also serve as a deflection of what you're really feeling inside, your state of mind and where you're at in your life at the moment.

 

....And you didn't think I'd notice, did ya?

[LakesideDream]

The Wife,

 

I'm "thinkin, thinkin, thinkin," about what you wrote. I am certainly not ignoring you.

 

As you may have guessed, I don't talk about "my" subject... at all, I haven't had any advice I thought I could trust for many years.

 

I'm thinkin.....

[TheWife]

The Wife,

 

I'm "thinkin, thinkin, thinkin," about what you wrote. I am certainly not ignoring you.

 

As you may have guessed, I don't talk about "my" subject... at all, I haven't had any advice I thought I could trust for many years.

 

I'm thinkin.....

 

It's because you haven't talked to anyone quite like me before....

 

About 8 years ago, I was working with a gal who was engaged seven times, but never quite made it to the altar. She couldn't committ. We worked previously for a smaller carrier before we got bought by the goliath of the airline industry. We were sitting on our jumpseats and she told me her whole life story. This happens a lot with me even with strangers. Dunno why. But I listened. My brain goes 90 MPH analyzing things she said, didn't say, her body language, facial expresions and tone of voice.

 

I gave her my take, what I thought, what she should consider and offered her insights of what she was thinking of doing and how each may play out in the end.

 

She was friends with a guy she knew for awhile and this guy wanted more. But she was fearful of so many things.

 

To make a long story short, she ended up marrying the guy. When I saw her months later, she came up to me to tell me the advice I gave her that day was the reason why she married the guy. They're still married today. And each time I see her, she reminds me of that day and thanks me.

 

So there's my record, and have a few more.

 

And you had me so wrong.... You know if you end up marrying this lady, you will have to eat every word you said about me!!! :D

 

I'm not ignoring you either. Can't seem to flippin' figure out how to PM.

 

And hey, as long as you're thinkin' it's progress. Just don't think too hard. What else is there to think about? Besides, what are you afraid of?

[LakesideDream]

I can tell you for sure what I am "afraid of" without hesitation or thought. I am afraid of screwing it up.

 

Your airline story brought back a memory, mid paragraph... I'll relate it, just for a hoot, (for you and me, I hadn't thought of it for awhile).

 

OK, set this in your mind. It's a week after 9/11, second day back flying. I have my first ever "date" with a lover I haven't seen for 30 (gasp!) years. She lives in a very small town 600 miles away, and a long and short jump by air. She is very cautious, we are planning on leaving town as soon as I get there for a little privacy in a HUGE hotel an hour away.

 

I get to the airport at 7 for a 9am flight (only flight avail) as instructed. Fly 1.5 hours to the hub, and wait until 3pm when the 12 seat prop flight boards. 2 people me, and a stunning gal. It's a noisy hour flight, one seat each side of the aisle.

 

The other passenger is an absolutely stunning lady, 'bout my age. She strikes up a conversation. She can see my briefcase is my only luggage. "Am I going to Lake... for business"? I answer "No". "For pleasure?" "Yep"... Let me guess, a girl? I smile and nod. I say I'm reuniting with an old friend. We talk a little more as she tells me all about the town. As you can imagine I was pretty nervious.

 

Airplane lands, ramp down, I'm off with my briefcase after saying "nice meeting you". I walk in to the "airport lobby" (same size as my living room!) and there's my gal.. lookin finer than frog's hair, red dress, shiney blond hair.. I'm stunned. She walkes up and plants a huge kiss on me (so much for caution in a small town).

 

From behind us a lady says... "Hi D....."... my gal turns white then smiles (wow) and responds "Hi". The lady from the plane says.. "I've already met your old friend" and bumps shoulders with me walking past.

 

Once in the car I cautiously, and a bit sheepishly ask "did you know her"?... the answer was "oh yes (with a sigh) she worked for me 10 years ago. Now she's President of the Chamber of Commerce."

 

It was a memorable 24 hours.

[TheWife]

I can tell you for sure what I am "afraid of" without hesitation or thought. I am afraid of screwing it up.

 

Your airline story brought back a memory, mid paragraph... I'll relate it, just for a hoot, (for you and me, I hadn't thought of it for awhile).

 

OK, set this in your mind. It's a week after 9/11, second day back flying. I have my first ever "date" with a lover I haven't seen for 30 (gasp!) years. She lives in a very small town 600 miles away, and a long and short jump by air. She is very cautious, we are planning on leaving town as soon as I get there for a little privacy in a HUGE hotel an hour away.

 

I get to the airport at 7 for a 9am flight (only flight avail) as instructed. Fly 1.5 hours to the hub, and wait until 3pm when the 12 seat prop flight boards. 2 people me, and a stunning gal. It's a noisy hour flight, one seat each side of the aisle.

 

The other passenger is an absolutely stunning lady, 'bout my age. She strikes up a conversation. She can see my briefcase is my only luggage. "Am I going to Lake... for business"? I answer "No". "For pleasure?" "Yep"... Let me guess, a girl? I smile and nod. I say I'm reuniting with an old friend. We talk a little more as she tells me all about the town. As you can imagine I was pretty nervious.

 

Airplane lands, ramp down, I'm off with my briefcase after saying "nice meeting you". I walk in to the "airport lobby" (same size as my living room!) and there's my gal.. lookin finer than frog's hair, red dress, shiney blond hair.. I'm stunned. She walkes up and plants a huge kiss on me (so much for caution in a small town).

 

From behind us a lady says... "Hi D....."... my gal turns white then smiles (wow) and responds "Hi". The lady from the plane says.. "I've already met your old friend" and bumps shoulders with me walking past.

 

Once in the car I cautiously, and a bit sheepishly ask "did you know her"?... the answer was "oh yes (with a sigh) she worked for me 10 years ago. Now she's President of the Chamber of Commerce."

 

It was a memorable 24 hours.

 

I like your airline story, you old devil!

 

OK, so what makes you think you'll screw up? What would you be screwing up?

 

Remember those junior high school dances when the guys stood on one side and the girls on the opposite side. Yeah, you remember. You guys would dare each other or be pushed to walk across the room to ask a girl out. The girls, shy and giggly were all just hoping to be asked to dance.

 

So, consider yourself being pushed!

 

You know, it'll be winter soon and malt isn't as good as sipping it while the weather is warm....hint..hint..

[LakesideDream]

Warm in this case is 120 degrees, that's on the ground. Yea, I remember those dances. Where she is it's always Summer. Where I live.. there are four seasons.

 

I have been stashing away dough for a move.. South. Real Estate values are stable, and I can afford the moving costs out of the difference in home values. If you are in the West, you already know where I am, and where she is. It's just a matter of surviving until I can set my business back up (it's portable). In reality I would probably be able to make a little more money there not that it matters, enough is enough.

 

She's asked me not to just "show up", and she always says "NO!" when I threaten to visit. That's a big part of my fear. That I would/might really piss her off. I kinda have the idea that if I actually lived there.. it would be fate acomplee (sp).

 

What I can't understand (and something you might be able to help with) is how she "get's away" with getting spactacular $100. flower arraingments delivered to her work ten times a year, (she's a dept. head with 25 employee's), ... yes I have an account at a florist in Her town, on my speed dial, mucho more bang for my buck, no fee's. And.. expensive (very) gifts at Christmas and Birthdays, personal stuff.. jewelry, stuffed animals, perfume, neat things, I even sent a "spa day" once. (I send them to the Florist and they happily deliver them). I like to try to mess with her mind. She always acknowledges the gifts, and seems super excited.

 

I've really wondered about it. It is a small town, I know one of her girlfriends is in on it, but beyond that?

[TheWife]

Warm in this case is 120 degrees, that's on the ground. Yea, I remember those dances. Where she is it's always Summer. Where I live.. there are four seasons.

 

I have been stashing away dough for a move.. South. Real Estate values are stable, and I can afford the moving costs out of the difference in home values. If you are in the West, you already know where I am, and where she is. It's just a matter of surviving until I can set my business back up (it's portable). In reality I would probably be able to make a little more money there not that it matters, enough is enough.

 

She's asked me not to just "show up", and she always says "NO!" when I threaten to visit. That's a big part of my fear. That I would/might really piss her off. I kinda have the idea that if I actually lived there.. it would be fate acomplee (sp).

 

What I can't understand (and something you might be able to help with) is how she "get's away" with getting spactacular $100. flower arraingments delivered to her work ten times a year, (she's a dept. head with 25 employee's), ... yes I have an account at a florist in Her town, on my speed dial, mucho more bang for my buck, no fee's. And.. expensive (very) gifts at Christmas and Birthdays, personal stuff.. jewelry, stuffed animals, perfume, neat things, I even sent a "spa day" once. (I send them to the Florist and they happily deliver them). I like to try to mess with her mind. She always acknowledges the gifts, and seems super excited.

 

I've really wondered about it. It is a small town, I know one of her girlfriends is in on it, but beyond that?

Did she ever say WHY she'd say no when you threatened to visit her?

 

As far as the gifts, you're every woman's dream!

 

I think the reason why you've done all this is again, it comes back to what you're afraid of from the beginning. It's been easier for you to give her gifts because you know she won't "reject" them and you know they make her happy. This is a love language you two share. Her saying no have already programmed you for rejection. And this is what you fear most. As a result, you've settled in with this secenario of giving her gifts because you already know she won't say no, and in some ways, makes you feel appreciated and loved.

 

When she say no to your visits, she too, has developed some comfort level that perhaps she's afraid of getting too close and all this might stop.

She's probably never had a guy adorn her with gifts and your going over to see her, she's afraid that things may change it. In other words, you got her spoiled. If she had been in a previous relationship before which her significant other used to shower her gifts and then stopped as the R got serious, chances are that this amy also be a reason why she says "no" to your visits.

 

Have you ever asked her WHY she says no? She may not tell you the real reason, not immediately anyway. If this is the case, then ask her honestly if there is someone else. Better know now before you plan your move. If she says there isn't anyone else, ask her if by you going over (or moving closer to her) she's afraid that all this gift giving will stop. Listen to how she answers. If she takes a little longer and has to think about it, that's a pretty good indication that there is some truth in it.

 

So start asking the hard questions. Better to know if the NO really means "I love the gifts, but don't want you" or "I want you, but I'm afraid because...." And if it's the latter, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out the rest....

[LakesideDream]

Oops! I think you missed something "early on" .. She IS married, I was (am?) OM. Other than relating bad experiances with her husband early in the relationship, he is seldom mentioned now. She's had "one" affair, with me in a now 30 year marriage.

 

She "says" her husband never found out. But he watches her like a wise old owl. She is the dominant one in that relationship.

 

I can't figure out how she "gets away" with the largess. She has mentioned that she enjoys the jealousy of her co-workers.

[TheWife]

Oops! I think you missed something "early on" .. She IS married, I was (am?) OM. Other than relating bad experiances with her husband early in the relationship, he is seldom mentioned now. She's had "one" affair, with me in a now 30 year marriage.

 

She "says" her husband never found out. But he watches her like a wise old owl. She is the dominant one in that relationship.

 

I can't figure out how she "gets away" with the largess. She has mentioned that she enjoys the jealousy of her co-workers.

Holy CRAP! Boy, did I miss that one! Big time!

 

Now this changes EVERYTHING!!!

 

So why do you keep wanting to be the OM? And would you want her anyway knowing that she could very well do the same to you as she is doing with her H?

[LakesideDream]

That is a problem. I have had many discussions with myself about that one.

 

Although I'm not concerned about it happening to me (us) in the future, if there was a future. I am very conflicted about crushing her "H" like like mine was.

 

I am not impressed by his qualities (or lack of) as a dad or husband. I've heard the worst, not the best. As of now, I've been able to rationalize a friendship without benifits (current, for years now). Not much of a moral high ground.

 

Happiness is so difficult to find. I miss what was.

[TheWife]

That is a problem. I have had many discussions with myself about that one.

 

Although I'm not concerned about it happening to me (us) in the future, if there was a future. I am very conflicted about crushing her "H" like like mine was.

 

I am not impressed by his qualities (or lack of) as a dad or husband. I've heard the worst, not the best. As of now, I've been able to rationalize a friendship without benifits (current, for years now). Not much of a moral high ground.

 

Happiness is so difficult to find. I miss what was.

You know I'd probably give you sh*t for this, but I won't.

 

Happiness is difficult to find, but boy, isn't worth it when you finally do. Lakeside, I'm not going to tell you what you already don't know, but this is no way to live what's left of your life.

 

Without sounding redundant, I gave my two cents to a couple of posters about A. One of the driving force that makes even the most intelligent men/women engage in A is their lack of or low self-esteem. Sorry if this hits you hard. But there's truth in it.

 

In most of your replies, you've cited your fear. Now that you've finally opened up, which I bet was pretty tough to begin with because you're not the kind of guy who spills his guts out, at least the mushy emotional stuff. You're more the guy that likes to throw his opinions and see how well it sticks.

 

You've "rationalized a friendship without benefits" says that you don't deserve a friendship that has all the benefits. This says a lot about your level of self-esteem. I know and you know that if you had a positive outlook of yourself, you WOULDN'T be involved with such friendship. That's also why you haven't been able to cut he chord and find someone who is capable of giving you all the benefits because your lack of self esteem won't let you. You fear that it's better to be loved half the time and not be loved at all for a short time. What that short time represents is the time when you decide to cut the chord and find someone else. This is your fear of being alone. But the irony is that you are still alone even with being loved half the time by this woman.

 

I know and you know, you deserve better. BUT you gotta DECIDE that YOU deserve better. Until then, things won't change. You'll continue to hopeful for which you already know it won't. The sad reality is that if this woman truly loves you, she'd be with you right now. Instead, you've provided her the best of two worlds. She had a H with ALL the benefits (dental/medical insurance, retirement, etc.) and a man (you) who loves her equally with a blank check to his neighborhood florists, plus gifts.

 

Lakeside, get yourself in gear and do something for yourself. Love yourself for a change.

 

You will not find happiness in someone else's marriage. Nor will it find you if you're not prepared to give it. The perfect woman may come along, but as long as you choose to be a second fiddle to a married woman, you won't have much to offer. Think about it.....

[LakesideDream]

I'm taking your advice and "thinking". Thank you for your effort and honesty.

[TheWife]

I'm taking your advice and "thinking". Thank you for your effort and honesty.

You're welcome....anytime...

 

You came on LS for a reason as I have. I found my closure. Perhaps this is a start for you.

 

Since you're probably more technically inclinced than I am, you're welcome to PM me.

 

I have confidence in you that you will make the choice that is right for you...Good Luck.

 

Perhaps now, my story ends here...

[Roo]

I hope Wife... that you will be sticking around though, you have a lot of strength and wisdom that could do some good for others.

 

I'm really impressed to see the grace with which you have handled yourself I hope the next chapter is a good one:love:

[TheWife]

I hope Wife... that you will be sticking around though, you have a lot of strength and wisdom that could do some good for others.

 

I'm really impressed to see the grace with which you have handled yourself I hope the next chapter is a good one:love:

Thanks Roo.

 

Each chapter in our lives begins with a vision. It's up to each one of us to turn that vision into a reality. If we don't, what is left are just blank pages in a chapter that could've been something.......called...... regrets.

[lighthouse]

for people that didn't necessarily hit it off right off the bat I am thinking that Lakeside and the Wife would make a good couple.

Sorry, I really couldn't help myself.