I'm TheWife-my story finally

[TheWife]

You know overall... your story and Motoman's is quite tragic. It seems like you two had alot of love between you. It's such a shame, because it's really no more difficult than following The Golden Rule.... "Do unto others"....

 

Even now, after all that's happened, I get the feeling that you'd still take him back if he could only just give himself over to that one simple principle.

 

I was just commenting on another thread that there's only one reason why my husband and I aren't divorced at this very minute. That's because when he said, "I'll do anything to fix this".... he really meant it.

 

I didn't expect him to move mountains. What I wanted was more basic than that. Prioritizing my feelings as if they were his own. Living by The Golden Rule. These things aren't asking too much of a partner. And really, it doesn't take much more than that.

 

That's just it Ladylane,

What I wanted was the basics. The problem is H does not live by the Golden Rule. He has none.

 

I wouldn't take him back even if he were the last man on earth. Few hours ago, I found a bullet. That was my answer. It's now with the Long Beach Police Department. Does this answer your question. It sure heck answers mine.

[Roo]

That's just it Ladylane,

What I wanted was the basics. The problem is H does not live by the Golden Rule. He has none.

 

I wouldn't take him back even if he were the last man on earth. Few hours ago, I found a bullet. That was my answer. It's now with the Long Beach Police Department. Does this answer your question. It sure heck answers mine.

 

 

OMG???? are you ok??? holy crap...

[TheWife]

Thanks, Roo....

 

Shaken a bit when the lady cop came to our house. But, I'm okay. It was tough, but I had to do it.

[Roo]

geeze you take care of yourself that's really scarey you don't think he would hurt you do you?? WOW just WOW... ((HUGS))

[TheWife]

geeze you take care of yourself that's really scarey you don't think he would hurt you do you?? WOW just WOW... ((HUGS))

 

I didn't think he was the kind of person who would have an A, lie about it after he confessed, swore on his dying mother's life and then grab my face. And he also said, it wasn't like him to do all that. But he did every single one.

[UnknowingOW]

First, are you feeling safe enough to stay in your home? Do you have friends you can stay with?

 

Second, was this a bullet which was shot in your home or was it a box of unused? Did you kinow if he had a gun?

[TheWife]

First, are you feeling safe enough to stay in your home? Do you have friends you can stay with?

 

Second, was this a bullet which was shot in your home or was it a box of unused? Did you kinow if he had a gun?

 

I don't think he has a gun. He probably would've shown it to me, but then again, he hasn't been completely honest, either.

 

No, the bullet was never shot in our home. It was in his "smoking" jacket. I've looked through that jacket before and haven't seen that bullet before. But I did find a prepaid calling card, one of three since the last time I checked. Can't say if it were a souvenier or what. But I didn't want to take any chances.

[jonesgirly]

Few hours ago, I found a bullet. That was my answer. It's now with the Long Beach Police Department.

Holy God Wife - what do you mean? A stray? Something recently fired in your direction? Holy Sheee-it.....never underestimate the inner rage of man losing all that he realizes is 'good' for him. My H realizes "at times" the magnitude of his loss, but is paralyzed to act and/or prevent the tragedy he has continued. There is an inner-rage there, that is actually 'frustration' with not being accepted at face-value. MY husband has only ONE emotion - anger. And on one occasion, he spent the night in jail after being arrested for domestic violence (my call).

 

My H is a LOT like yours. Seriously narcissistic, unable to empathize with others, and extremely difficult to deal with on an intimate/personal level. UNLESS, of course, you are providing the admiration and adoration that feeds their need to be validated.

 

You never know whats the truth, and whats fabrication.

 

And the validation they get from the 'outside world' is a never-ending desire for them. Mine has lied to counselors, to classmates, to me, to everyone, including probably, himself. The funny thing is, I loved him regardless of his imperfections, the way he truly wanted to be loved. He just never knew it.

 

They cannot be "honest", as this is less than acceptable. "They" are practically perfect, and WHY would they need to change or compromise?

 

What is seriously heartbreaking here, is that you, like myself, will always love and care about these men. We see them as the people we 'knew', and it will always be that way.

 

When I read about you calling him that night to make sure he was okay, I totally understood. The motivation wasn't because you were 'curious' about where he was, you sincerely wanted to make sure he was 'okay.' My H left our home three times last Fall, with a gun and his mothers ashes, and speaking of 'ending it all'. I did what you probably would've done, and set aside the current events, and talked him into coming back home. I realize that I may not be able to live with him, but that doesn't stop me from caring about him. And I don't feel bad about being this 'type' of person.

 

The fact that these guys just won't do even the "basic"' fundamentals required when one betrays their spouse, is just unbelievable. It makes you question your worth to 'them' at times, and in more lucid moments, question their ability to EVER have a truly intimate relationship with ANYONE!

 

That's because when he said, "I'll do anything to fix this".... he really meant it.

Thats what we wanted. For them the say something and actually MEAN it. Not because they 'thought' they should, or because maybe it would end the conversation, but because they ACTUALLY 'GOT IT.'

 

To know that you are valuable enough for them to set aside the lies and the BS........that is truly what we wanted. For them to acknowledge the betrayal, deceit, and the risk they took when they chose to gamble with our relationship. To see genuine remorsefulness and real understanding in their eyes and their actions.

 

I'm sure you've thought it, and I KNOW I've said a thousand times to him: "Your words DON'T match your actions." Words are cheap, and actions have all the meaning.

 

I admire your strength and self-awareness. You seem very level-headed, self-assured, and pretty much capable of moving on from this. Although I too seem like that to the 'outside world', there are moments when I look at my husband and wonder - "why in the HELL wasn't I as important to you, as your are to me?"

 

Kudos to you for your attitude, and I look forward to reading this saga.

[jonesgirly]

And he also said, it wasn't like him to do all that. But he did every single one.

 

I KNOW this line ...... I've heard it before! My H said all those types of things - I wanted to have integrity, I wanted to NOT cheat on you, blah, blah, blah.....

 

What they really should've said is "I want you to BELIEVE I'm being honest <but I'm not>, I want you to BELIEVE that I have integrity <but I don't>"

 

Its all an illusion they prefer you have, instead of the 'real thang.'

[NoIDidn't]

H is the only guy I've ever been with who have read soooo much self-help books, gone to self-improvement seminars such as the Hoffman Institutue, Sterling Institute, and continues to read such, BUT he does NOT implement ANY of the principles! I don't get it!!!

 

I know I am late but this just jumped out at me. My X used to and still reads a lot of self-help books. But only to beat others over the head with his "knowledge". He is a Classic NPD, the is.

[veronese]

TW, just read your thread and think you're an amazing woman.

 

I too, am married to an N. So much fun isn't it?! Planning my escape though now, just wish it could be sooner (not possible cos of daughter going to boarding school)

 

Good luck TW, stay strong

 

Hugs veronese

[MotoMan]

Hello all,

I realized that tw has her own thread after she posted on mine earlier today, and after reading through all these posts, need to offer some clarification.

 

First of all, I do not own a gun, never have. What she found is not a bullet, but a CIGAR CUTTER! I like to have a cigar with my college buddies on occasion. Like tw said, she found it in my smoking jacket, which is an old leather jacket which has a couple lighters and cigar cutters in the pockets.

 

I'm not going to respond to the other posts and get into a p***ing contest with tw, but felt that this one point needed an explanation.

 

Have a good holiday weekend everyone.

[TheWife]

Hello all,

I realized that tw has her own thread after she posted on mine earlier today, and after reading through all these posts, need to offer some clarification.

 

First of all, I do not own a gun, never have. What she found is not a bullet, but a CIGAR CUTTER! I like to have a cigar with my college buddies on occasion. Like tw said, she found it in my smoking jacket, which is an old leather jacket which has a couple lighters and cigar cutters in the pockets.

 

I'm not going to respond to the other posts and get into a p***ing contest with tw, but felt that this one point needed an explanation.

 

Have a good holiday weekend everyone.

 

Hey babycakes,

Yes, you do have a cigar cutter, that I saw. I didn't hand that over to the officer because I didn't think you could harm me with it unless you shoved my finger in it. You may not own a gun as you claim, but, the bullet is with the Long Beach Police Department!!! They have your name and description and their number is on the fridge door. And if you walk over without your pipe darts that you use to shoot stray cats in our backyard with which I made you stop, and ask me ask me nicely, I'll give you the file number!!! Lord, Almighty!

[jonesgirly]

I know its wrong, but I'm addicted to MotoMan and TheWife.

 

I feel like a voyeur.

[TheWife]

I know its wrong, but I'm addicted to MotoMan and TheWife.

 

I feel like a voyeur.

I'm actually laughing at your response. He*l, if anything else, if we're a source of sick reality entertainment for folkw during this weekend and make you all feel luckier, then it's all good... I think... LOL!

[MotoMan]

This is getting funny! There is a cigar cutter, yes. What I'm saying is the bullet is a circular cigar cutter... You twist the cap off and can cut into a cigar without slicing the whole end off. And yes, I would like the info so I can go get it back.

[TheWife]

Holy God Wife - what do you mean? A stray? Something recently fired in your direction? Holy Sheee-it.....never underestimate the inner rage of man losing all that he realizes is 'good' for him. My H realizes "at times" the magnitude of his loss, but is paralyzed to act and/or prevent the tragedy he has continued. There is an inner-rage there, that is actually 'frustration' with not being accepted at face-value. MY husband has only ONE emotion - anger. And on one occasion, he spent the night in jail after being arrested for domestic violence (my call).

 

My H is a LOT like yours. Seriously narcissistic, unable to empathize with others, and extremely difficult to deal with on an intimate/personal level. UNLESS, of course, you are providing the admiration and adoration that feeds their need to be validated.

 

You never know whats the truth, and whats fabrication.

 

And the validation they get from the 'outside world' is a never-ending desire for them. Mine has lied to counselors, to classmates, to me, to everyone, including probably, himself. The funny thing is, I loved him regardless of his imperfections, the way he truly wanted to be loved. He just never knew it.

 

They cannot be "honest", as this is less than acceptable. "They" are practically perfect, and WHY would they need to change or compromise?

 

What is seriously heartbreaking here, is that you, like myself, will always love and care about these men. We see them as the people we 'knew', and it will always be that way.

 

When I read about you calling him that night to make sure he was okay, I totally understood. The motivation wasn't because you were 'curious' about where he was, you sincerely wanted to make sure he was 'okay.' My H left our home three times last Fall, with a gun and his mothers ashes, and speaking of 'ending it all'. I did what you probably would've done, and set aside the current events, and talked him into coming back home. I realize that I may not be able to live with him, but that doesn't stop me from caring about him. And I don't feel bad about being this 'type' of person.

 

The fact that these guys just won't do even the "basic"' fundamentals required when one betrays their spouse, is just unbelievable. It makes you question your worth to 'them' at times, and in more lucid moments, question their ability to EVER have a truly intimate relationship with ANYONE!

 

 

Thats what we wanted. For them the say something and actually MEAN it. Not because they 'thought' they should, or because maybe it would end the conversation, but because they ACTUALLY 'GOT IT.'

 

To know that you are valuable enough for them to set aside the lies and the BS........that is truly what we wanted. For them to acknowledge the betrayal, deceit, and the risk they took when they chose to gamble with our relationship. To see genuine remorsefulness and real understanding in their eyes and their actions.

 

I'm sure you've thought it, and I KNOW I've said a thousand times to him: "Your words DON'T match your actions." Words are cheap, and actions have all the meaning.

 

I admire your strength and self-awareness. You seem very level-headed, self-assured, and pretty much capable of moving on from this. Although I too seem like that to the 'outside world', there are moments when I look at my husband and wonder - "why in the HELL wasn't I as important to you, as your are to me?"

 

Kudos to you for your attitude, and I look forward to reading this saga.

 

Man o man, you nailed it right on the money with regards to your description of your H. My H is exactly that. There is no reasoning with those who are that way no matter how loving and understanding you want to be and can be.

 

You gave me some insight of why I called him that night. It gave me a glimpse of myself, a mixed one actually. While it makes me feel less deserving of someone who would and could treat me something much better than my H has, it validated the person who I am which is someone who gave it her all for this M even compromising at one point my self-respect for which I will never do again. This, in itself was a lesson...among other things. So, thanks....

[LakesideDream]

A passive-agressive man and a drama enhanced woman. Obviously a match made in heaven.

 

Three years of marriage is no big deal. Pull the plug! Moto, find another woman who you can lean on, hopefully one who is a little less agressive and drama prone. There is nothing wrong with sliding though life if you are a snake.

 

The Wife, go find a man to dominate that won't look for another womans shoulder to cry on when you are on a rampage. Emphisise your assets! You bring so much to a relationship, no children to bother with, a chronic ankle, disability insurance, and a pair of used luxury cars that cost less than a "new car". You are a real catch!

[TheWife]

A passive-agressive man and a drama enhanced woman. Obviously a match made in heaven.

 

Three years of marriage is no big deal. Pull the plug! Moto, find another woman who you can lean on, hopefully one who is a little less agressive and drama prone. There is nothing wrong with sliding though life if you are a snake.

 

The Wife, go find a man to dominate that won't look for another womans shoulder to cry on when you are on a rampage. Emphisise your assets! You bring so much to a relationship, no children to bother with, a chronic ankle, disability insurance, and a pair of used luxury cars that cost less than a "new car". You are a real catch!

 

Boy, LakesideDream, what's your story? There's so much anger in you. What's your thread?

[whichwayisup]

A passive-agressive man and a drama enhanced woman. Obviously a match made in heaven.

 

Three years of marriage is no big deal. Pull the plug! Moto, find another woman who you can lean on, hopefully one who is a little less agressive and drama prone. There is nothing wrong with sliding though life if you are a snake.

 

The Wife, go find a man to dominate that won't look for another womans shoulder to cry on when you are on a rampage. Emphisise your assets! You bring so much to a relationship, no children to bother with, a chronic ankle, disability insurance, and a pair of used luxury cars that cost less than a "new car". You are a real catch!

 

Are we reading two different threads??? Whatever your story is, it's clouding your judgements abit...

[LakesideDream]

With no real time invested neither should be "fretting" about the "marriage" Moto is a cheat, instant, mama's boy cheat. I called him a "snake". Dispicable child, words are wasted on him.

 

The Wife is a dominant female, (nothing wrong with that) who has an inflated sense of drama and self worth. Going all a twitter over a "bullet shaped" cigar cutter (I have a similar one, they exist), justifying each of her actions without endorsing the possibility that she made bad choices or contributed to the relationsip failure. Also immature, not dishonest and despicable like Moto, but not laudable either.

 

It's time for them to move on, find people they fit with and try again. Wasting time with the blame game is senseless.

[Sup]

Did you contact OW husband yet?

[TheWife]

With no real time invested neither should be "fretting" about the "marriage" Moto is a cheat, instant, mama's boy cheat. I called him a "snake". Dispicable child, words are wasted on him.

 

The Wife is a dominant female, (nothing wrong with that) who has an inflated sense of drama and self worth. Going all a twitter over a "bullet shaped" cigar cutter (I have a similar one, they exist), justifying each of her actions without endorsing the possibility that she made bad choices or contributed to the relationsip failure. Also immature, not dishonest and despicable like Moto, but not laudable either.

 

It's time for them to move on, find people they fit with and try again. Wasting time with the blame game is senseless.

 

Hey, Lakeside, you seem so righteous in your plain rightwing opinionated mind. If you didn't want to read life's drama, what the he*ll are you doing surfing on this site? Last time my H and I were in MC, I didn't see a fly on the wall. So you couldn't have known what was discussed, could you?

 

A couple of "facts":

 

1) If it weren't a real bullet, don't you think the officer would've known when she examined it closely that it wasn't a bullet and would have just left it with me?

 

2) My father was shot by a drunken man with a gun. If you were in my oooohhhhh "drama shoes" would you:

A) overreact and take precaution to save your life? OR

B) Undereact and not take action and be dead?

 

Pick ONE!

 

Grab your beer and your TV remote control and click on Nascar. I think it's on right now. It requires no thinking....really....just watch....

[TheWife]

s

Did you contact OW husband yet?

 

She's divorced. But, she said her H of ten years also cheated on her and that she understood what I was going through.

 

It doesn't matter anymore. H & I are working to end the M amicably. Like I said earlier today, I'm ready to move on. We both are.

 

This will be my last post on my thread. Thanks to all who shared their experience. I know reading my thread triggered some pain from your own life story. I also hope that it provided some closure, however small that might be.

 

H & I had lunch together today. Strange, but despite the anger you have read, we do from time to time manage to have moments like this. We discussed our posts on this website. We laughed at one point and shook our heads how insane it has gotten. I commented, this is why I've always tried to not air out my dirty laundry to friends, let alone on a community forum such as this because people are quick to judge. But this is natural. It's part of our social human nature. Each reader become emotionally involved or touched on some level or another the life story by those who posts. The replies I've gotten so far have provided valuable insights that I would otherwise not receive from friends or family members during times like this because their hearts and loyalty will always be with me regardless as it should and would be for anyone.

 

Things happen for a reason. Everyone has a story. And every story has an ending. My story as TheWife ends here.

 

So, thanks to those who replied.

[whichwayisup]

Good luck in life, to you and your soon to be ex husband.

 

I do hope you still stick around LS and reply to other posts. You're honest, and helpful to others.