HOW COULD SHE LIE TO ME?

[Mitchell]

A few weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend. I love her deeply, she means the world to me but she has told me too many lies. When I met her she told me she was adopted. This wasn't true. She told me she was married, that was a lie. She also told me that she had given birth to twins and they had died at birth. That was a lie. Then she told me she was pregnant and i also found out that was a lie.

 

But her mother told me that she was raped when she was thirteen. She told me this and I just assumed it was another lie. I have ended it with her. We have kept in contact and are still friendly but I am so in love with her. What can I do about this. I don't want to get hurt by her again. But i don't want to give up on her. She is amazing. But what I can't understand is why she lied to me. I do need her a lot. I was only happy when i was with her. I don't want to feel like I've let go of one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Should I give her another chance? She has said she is sorry but how will I know she's changed?

[velvet]

How do you help a compulsive lier? Sounds like she wants sympothy and attention. Why does she have only tragic expeiences to talk about? I suppose she thrives on wanting people to feel sorry for her. Its a tragic way to live!

 

She can loose a lot of people this way. It would be good for you too to just remain friends for a while. Sounds like either she needs a professional to talk to about this or just give herself time to realize what a mistake she is making with these stories and grow out of it. If she can!

 

A few weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend. I love her deeply, she means the world to me but she has told me too many lies. When I met her she told me she was adopted. This wasn't true. She told me she was married, that was a lie. She also told me that she had given birth to twins and they had died at birth. That was a lie. Then she told me she was pregnant and i also found out that was a lie. But her mother told me that she was raped when she was thirteen. She told me this and I just assumed it was another lie. I have ended it with her. We have kept in contact and are still friendly but I am so in love with her. What can I do about this. I don't want to get hurt by her again. But i don't want to give up on her. She is amazing. But what I can't understand is why she lied to me. I do need her a lot. I was only happy when i was with her. I don't want to feel like I've let go of one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Should I give her another chance? She has said she is sorry but how will I know she's changed?

[midori]

It sounds to me like you're not just dealing with tall tales but with far deeper & more complicated issues. In short, I don't think that it's something your ex could have changed in a short time. I doubt it's as simple as her deciding that lying is silly. Labels like "compulsive liar" don't really do much to explain what's really going on. What's going on beneath, what is prompting her to lie needlessly? Some people like to stage-manage their interactions with other people, creating roles for themselves that they want others to accept at face value. I know some people like this and I find them maddening. What's probably behind such behavior is run-of-the-mill insecurity, not feeling confident about who they actually are and thus feeling the need to fabricate an Image (and fabricate details that will support that image). Maybe the image they create is what they'd like to be, what they think people would find most appealing. Or maybe the image is simply a good way to deal with rejection -- if someone doesn't respond well they can console themselves that it wasn't the REAL them that was rejected. And there are probably lots of other reasons. But the lies serve a function.

 

But I wonder if maybe for your ex the lies in part are release mechanisms for emotions & needs that she doesn't feel she has any other outlet for. There may be painful things that she's carrying around inside her that she doesn't feel others have sufficiently acknowledged, or that she herself doesn't believe warrant anyone's time and attention -- so she makes up something worse to get the sympathy and attention she needs. I've felt like that sometimes. For example, last month I went through another pointless round of emotional turmoil with my ex boyfriend. Everyone I know had long since written him off as a complete waste of time, but there I was like a moth to a flame -- big surprise, I got burned AGAIN. Duh. I told people about it and they sympathized but I really didn't feel like I could dwell on it because I'd been dwelling on it and wasting people's time about it for ages. But the bad feelings were still there, I needed sympathy and support. As fate would have it, I was the victim of a minor indecent assault a week later (I'm fine, it's all taken care of) and while obviously I didn' t seek it out & would have preferred that it never happened, it did give me an outlet for all the bad feelings I had pent up inside me. Everyone was very sympathetic and supportive. It was easier for me to talk about the assault (which was so minor and actually rather funny) than it was to talk about the real source of my pain -- my ex boyfriend. Lucky me, I didn't have to make anything up (not that I would have). Is it possible that's what your ex gf is doing, making things up to create outlets for pain that she can't express any other way?

 

Having presented these speculations (and others could come up with many more), I will say this: it is in the end her issue to deal with. She needs to figure out what the source of her problems are and how she's going to deal with them. You can't do this for her. If the only way you can accept her back in your life is if she has completely "reformed" I'm pretty sure you'll be in for a disappointment, at least at first. It would require patience and understanding from you. If you're not up to it that doesn't mean you're a lesser person -- it's a lot to ask from anyone. She needs to be fully aware that a) she has a problem b) she needs to deal with the problem and c) she is imposing her problem on you. If she feels that the lying is beyond her control then she needs to get professional help. It's a coping mechanism of some kind, she's just got to figure out what it's meant to cope with and how she could more effectively cope with that thing. But never underestimate the power of an engrained coping mechanism. It won't be easy for her to even fully recognize what's going on, let alone change it. Lying has worked for her on some level for a while, giving it up isn't going to be as simple as renouncing it and apologizing.

[Tony T]

The lies:

 

1. When I met her she told me she was adopted.

 

What difference would that make one way or the other.

 

2. She told me she was married, that was a lie.

 

If she was interested in you, why in heaven's name would she tell you that?

 

3. She also told me that she had given birth to twins and they had died at birth.

 

What difference would that make one way or the other.

 

4. Then she told me she was pregnant and i also found out that was a lie.

 

Did she tell you she was pregnant by you? If she did, I might understand that one. But if she was pregnant by someone else, again that would indicate she was trying to drive you away. If she wasn't pregnant, what was her motivation for telling you this? I mean, this is insane.

 

5. Her mother told me that she was raped when she was thirteen. She told me this and I just assumed it was another lie.

 

Why would you assume that was a lie. HER MOTHER told you this anyway so you cannot blame your lady, except to the extent she may have received her training in deception from her mother.

 

This is all bizarre because the lies were about things that make no difference whatsoever in anybody's life. And the one about being pregnant, after five or six months people would know she wasn't.

 

Ask her why she would lie about harmless, meaningless bizarre things like that? Was she trying to drive you away because she was afraid? Or does she just make a hobby out of lying? If she does, that in itself is bizarre.

 

She may just be a compulsive liar in which case you need to get away from her no matter how much you may be infatuated with her. You can't live with someone for whom you have no trust in what she says. She may have very deep seated psychological problems. But, whatever the problem is, it's very serious.

 

I don't know what to tell you at this point...except that I am the President of the United States, you are actually my son and not your father's, I have left you a half million dollars in a suitcase buried in the back yard, and if you're in Washington, tell the White House guard and he'll bring you straight to me inside the Oval Office and I'll make you a member of my cabinet.

 

Wow, this is so bizarre.

[Mitchell]

Yes she did tell me she was pregnant by me. But whenever I have confronted her about it she just said she didn't want to lose me and would do anything to keep me. She was bullied and raped as a teenager and for some reason I think she is trying to get away from that person and become someone who doesn't really exist so she can't get hurt anymore. But then again, why would she do this to me? Am I really stupid for still loving her?

[Tony T]

I don't think you're really stupid for still loving her as long as she promises to get some counselling or other psychological therapy to get her act in order.

 

She can't go through her entire life lying about everything and you can never have a relationship with someone you can't depend on to tell you the truth most of the time.

[Mitchell]

I have spoken to her and she has agreed to get some help. We had a long discussion last night. She says she lies because she is scared of showing her true colours in case I hurt her. Hopefully when she's seen a psychologist we can get on with our lives together. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Angel Eyes]

I think your ex girlfriend has a lot of other issues to deal with. She seems to be lacking attention from somewhere. Are her parents overly attentive or do they ignore her. After a rape sometimes families find it hard to connect again and maybe the disfunction of her family has made her so desperate for attention that she has to tell you lies to get your attention. You need to try and connect with her on a higher level. Not just as a lover or a friend but as a confidante whom she can talk to and tell her problems to. She seems to be very lost and you need to guide her. You also need to protect yourself. From what you have said you love her very much and at the moment it seems like that is what she needs. Build up a new relationship with her. When she is crying hold her and when she is laughing encourage her never to stop. She seems to have a lot of emotional problems from her rape and although she has lied to you, which I know is hard, you need to give her another chance or at least help her with her lying problems. It seems like you are all she has and try and be there for her. Good luck!