melodymatters Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 My BF and i are in a serious committed relationship of a year. The problem is, his family ( 90 yr old dad, 86 yr old mom 89 yr old aunt, all in another state) and his twin brother all pitched in to buy a 60 acre campground. The property is in his brothers names and no one elses, and all that is there are 3 run down shacks. The brother lives in one on the weekends only, one is rented, and the third my BF lives in fulltime.All the bills are paid by the family trust. It is not operated as a campground or anything that takes in income. I belive my boyfriend loves me with all his heart and soul, but he says he made the commitment to his family to " keep an eye" on the place, years before he met me and so basically can never leave. I have a lovely, modern 3 bedroom home that I live in alone. He has no bills and I have about 1,200 a month to keep my household running. The property is not in his name and the brothers who's name it IS in, plans to hold on to it until death and leave it as a legacy to his neices and nephews ( neither brother has children of their own) This makes me feel that my BF and I can never have a real future unless I move into the run down shack on property that is not even in his name.We can't get an owner/builder loan to build a real home because no bank in the world would write a loan for property that you don't officially own.( and therefore they can't repossess) And, he seems reluctant ( terrified?) to talk to the family about maybe cutting off a few acres to put in HIS name. Am i being unfair ? completly sane ? Can you put yourselves in my shoes and figure out a reasonable compromise ? Thanks ! Melody Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Uh, maybe I'm missing something, but why does 'keeping an eye on the place' translate into moving into a shack on the property? Can't you live elsewhere (like in your house), and just visit the place, like a summer cottage or weekend getaway? If his brother lives there on weekends, isn't that sufficient to keep an eye on the place? Why does your BF need to live there when there's nothing going on there anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Norajane has a point. You don't really have to be physically there to keep an eye on it. Let someone move into the shack he can trust, and take some off the rent for guarding the place.....?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author melodymatters Posted August 30, 2006 Author Share Posted August 30, 2006 Well I live in a "subdivision" and he hates subdivisions and loves the country. Thats why I thought a good compromise would be getting a couple of acres put in his name, so that we could build our own " non shack/non-subdivision" home. I guess I feel like I'm making all the compromises here ( no marriage, can't live together) and as wonderful as he is, I'm starting to feel like I'm selling myself short. Ah well, at least venting here on LS helps me not be a raving bitch he and I discuss this stuff. Norajane, your advice is always right on ! Keep up the good work ! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 30, 2006 Share Posted August 30, 2006 Maybe he is committment phobic, but won't let himself be concious of this, so he uses this "family property" as a justification. It might be a totally subconscious process on his part, but it sounds to me like he's using the situation to keep things status quo..... JMO, though. Take it with a grain of salt. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubber_Chicken Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Maybe he is committment phobic Bingo !!! It is all an excuse because he doesn't want the relationship to go to the next level Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Well I live in a "subdivision" and he hates subdivisions and loves the country. Thats why I thought a good compromise would be getting a couple of acres put in his name, so that we could build our own " non shack/non-subdivision" home. I guess I feel like I'm making all the compromises here ( no marriage, can't live together) and as wonderful as he is, I'm starting to feel like I'm selling myself short. Ah well, at least venting here on LS helps me not be a raving bitch he and I discuss this stuff. Norajane, your advice is always right on ! Keep up the good work ! Lol - thanks, sweets. If he's too timid to ask for some of the land that he's keeping an eye on, perhaps there are nearby properties you could buy and build on. However, I'm of the opinion it's the commitment thing that's holding him back and not the property. If he wanted to come up with a living situation that worked for both of you, he would be open to discussing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melodymatters Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 The commitment-phobe thing was exactly what I was thinking, but i didn't want to put words in anyones mouth ! Thanks for backing up my instincts ! Interestingly enough, this week I pulled way back, was totally friendly but wouldn't go to his place, let him initiate the plans and basically said "well this is what it is for now, I guess we'll just have to see how things develop" and purposley left my cell phone home, when I would visit with my neighbors. He became VERY eager to see me, kept saying how much he missed me, and started talking about staying at my place more. I am SUCH a hater of games, but men can be so stubborn if pushed, and respond SO well when they feel you slipping away, so I'm not looking at this as a " game" but a way of taking care of myself and detaching a bit if in fact his commitment phobia ends up winning. Thanks again guys ! Link to post Share on other sites
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