ambivilence, non-stop ambivilence

[Crystal]

help! i cannot seem to grasp how people can make commitments and not even bat an eye! this should not be so hard to do right? wrong? what? i need some help here!

 

i'm engaged to a very wonderful guy, we've been together along time now and we have a great thing going. but then why am i having such a hard time feeling i'm making the right decision?

 

it seems easier to just run off and forget about everything. but i don't want to go through the heart break, maaaaan that hurts!

 

so he and others i talk to about ordinary every day stuff never seem to suffer any doubt about decisions they make, choices they make, or where they are going, what they are doing, etc.

 

sometimes it seems i just can't think for myself. i am really flustered here, i'm not even explaining my problem here very well cause it seems to be something that just escapes outside my knowledge, if that makes sense i'd be surprised.

 

i'm trying to say, that i constantly waiver in decisions? maybe? i don't know, see i can't explain it. all i know is that he wants to get married in july, i'm scared schmidtless to do so.

 

how can others make decisions on love without even thinking twice about it? why can't i????

 

this is killing me, literally tearing me apart because i want to commit to him, and i am, but i still have such ambivilence and waivers in my decision.

 

not my feelings but my decisions, my feelings i know are true, that i love him, but commitment seems to escape me, and not just on this, but on many many many many things!

 

such as school, clothes to buy, what to wear, job changes, medical treatments, the list goes on, but the one that bothers me most is on my relationship, why i can't make up my mind and keep it made up, why little things/annoyances change my mind.

 

that's it! i think! when little things come along they change my mind, annoyances of being human i guess cause i think of leaving him when i'm mad at him.

 

i think how would i feel if someone wanted to leave me just cause i was having a bad day, that would suck!

 

so what is going on here, is this just normal?

 

help, my life is slipping away day by day and day by day i miss out on the "knowing" part of life and i live it just on the end of waivers. UGGGGH!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "how can others make decisions on love without even thinking twice about it? why can't i????"

 

It seems you have difficulty being sure of most everything you decide. You suffer from what Dr. Dennis Whatley calls "analysis paralysis." You analyze everything so much that your life is basically paralyzed and your ability to live a joyful life is stymied.

 

How others make decisions on love should be of no concern to you. It's how YOU make them. You should base your decisions on how you feel about someone, how you feel things may be in the long term based on common interests, personalities, etc., how many qualities the other person has that you admire. Even then, there are no guarantees. Almost every person who gets a divorce at one time though their mate was the most wonderful person who ever lived.

 

Life is a gamble. There are no two ways about that. Many decisions were make are not based on empirical data but on our gutt feelings, what our intuition tells us, what we feel in our hearts is the right thing to do.

 

The real shame in life, the real loser at life, is the person who makes no decision at all. The person who spends all his life analyzing will die in that state with a great deal of happiness denied to him.

 

So stop worrying about others, start listening to your heart, listening to that inner voice that always guides you correctly....and make some sort of decison. Live with it and do your best to make it work.

 

Now, don't go around making decisions stupidly without giving due consideration. But don't waste your time analyzing things for years.

 

My guess is that you have never been in love before. Because when you are really in love with the right person, you have no trouble making a committment and you have no doubts about the decisions you make relative to your future with that person.

[velvet]

You sound like a sweet enigma. I would tell him what you have told us. I wouldnt get married in July if this is how you feel. Explaining that to him is going to be hard, for him to understand. If you honestly know that he is the person you dont want to live without. If you think he will be safe with you than thats your answer.

 

As far as having thoughts of leaving him often, that might mean that it wont work. That you dont love him enough to marry. Have the invitations gone out yet? You need to have the talk with him. We cant tell you what to do or what the outcome of talking to him will be. If your going to have a marriage with this person the both of you need to have an open line of communication. Especially when the other is puzzled about her own thoughts of marraige.

 

help! i cannot seem to grasp how people can make commitments and not even bat an eye! this should not be so hard to do right? wrong? what? i need some help here! i'm engaged to a very wonderful guy, we've been together along time now and we have a great thing going. but then why am i having such a hard time feeling i'm making the right decision? it seems easier to just run off and forget about everything. but i don't want to go through the heart break, maaaaan that hurts! so he and others i talk to about ordinary every day stuff never seem to suffer any doubt about decisions they make, choices they make, or where they are going, what they are doing, etc. sometimes it seems i just can't think for myself. i am really flustered here, i'm not even explaining my problem here very well cause it seems to be something that just escapes outside my knowledge, if that makes sense i'd be surprised.

 

i'm trying to say, that i constantly waiver in decisions? maybe? i don't know, see i can't explain it. all i know is that he wants to get married in july, i'm scared schmidtless to do so. how can others make decisions on love without even thinking twice about it? why can't i????

 

this is killing me, literally tearing me apart because i want to commit to him, and i am, but i still have such ambivilence and waivers in my decision. not my feelings but my decisions, my feelings i know are true, that i love him, but commitment seems to escape me, and not just on this, but on many many many many things! such as school, clothes to buy, what to wear, job changes, medical treatments, the list goes on, but the one that bothers me most is on my relationship, why i can't make up my mind and keep it made up, why little things/annoyances change my mind. that's it! i think! when little things come along they change my mind, annoyances of being human i guess cause i think of leaving him when i'm mad at him. i think how would i feel if someone wanted to leave me just cause i was having a bad day, that would suck! so what is going on here, is this just normal?

 

help, my life is slipping away day by day and day by day i miss out on the "knowing" part of life and i live it just on the end of waivers. UGGGGH!

[Crystal]

THANK you tony for your response: the only reason i watch people on how they seem to make decisions so easy is because i'm jealous and envious of their ability to do so.

 

i do have difficulty with everything, heck it took me weeks on end if not months to decide on a perm! what a joke huh?

 

i know i love the guy, it's just the commitment to him and to other things as well that i have problems with...not just him....

 

i guess i'm the real loser then since i cannot make decisions, i don't want to die in a state of analysis!

 

i want to make decisions like everyone else does, just with an ease and a knowing attitude that that is what they want, not all these questions that i have that come rolling along in my mind, seemingly out of control.

 

my guy makes decisions all day long and never flutters an eye lash over anything, never 2nd guesses his decisions about anything! why can't i? others do it all the time, why can't i???

 

further more how can i change this horrible predicament i'm in? is there help for me? if so what???

 

i'm desperate can you tell? knowing a name for something is just not enough.

 

also knowing that i'm not alone is not enough, i need ways of changing this conflict inside me all the time.

 

i guess i have know intuition or gut feelings either, seriously, i'm not being sarcastic. my guy has this weird physic ability or something, i know he does i see it almost daily and i hate it and envy it as well.

 

i see others with this physic abilty/gut/intiution thingy going on as well but for me, there is nothing there. i have even tried to fake it but nothing ever comes out right, i'm always wrong and he is always right, as are others.

 

aren't we born with this intuition? my self is a blank slate, nothing there to ever tell me if my gut is right or wrong.

 

i really do feel that i love him though, i want to be with him, this i know, but why am i so easily rattled from this assurance just as fast as i'm assured? still UGGGGGH!

YOU ASK: "how can others make decisions on love without even thinking twice about it? why can't i????" It seems you have difficulty being sure of most everything you decide. You suffer from what Dr. Dennis Whatley calls "analysis paralysis." You analyze everything so much that your life is basically paralyzed and your ability to live a joyful life is stymied. How others make decisions on love should be of no concern to you. It's how YOU make them. You should base your decisions on how you feel about someone, how you feel things may be in the long term based on common interests, personalities, etc., how many qualities the other person has that you admire. Even then, there are no guarantees. Almost every person who gets a divorce at one time though their mate was the most wonderful person who ever lived. Life is a gamble. There are no two ways about that. Many decisions were make are not based on empirical data but on our gutt feelings, what our intuition tells us, what we feel in our hearts is the right thing to do. The real shame in life, the real loser at life, is the person who makes no decision at all. The person who spends all his life analyzing will die in that state with a great deal of happiness denied to him. So stop worrying about others, start listening to your heart, listening to that inner voice that always guides you correctly....and make some sort of decison. Live with it and do your best to make it work. Now, don't go around making decisions stupidly without giving due consideration. But don't waste your time analyzing things for years. My guess is that you have never been in love before. Because when you are really in love with the right person, you have no trouble making a committment and you have no doubts about the decisions you make relative to your future with that person.

 

[Crystal]

you know the reason i have thought of leaving him is only because of my ambivilence/indeciveness etc...

 

if it was not for those i would have no problems. i know in my heart that i love him. he knows of my deliema and that makes it easier, i can't get married to him in july feeling like this, but i've been with him for years now, over three and i still have these stupid dumb ole feelings!

 

we have not technically set any date yet, he wants july 16th, i say july 16th of 2002, he wants to get it over with, to end it and be done with it, not meant in a sarcastic way either.

 

it's just with him though that i have all these problems with decision making, it is my whole life basically!

 

this sucks really bad, i guess it is more obvious to me now cause of the situation where as before things were not such a MAJOR decision.

 

my whole life has been this way i think, looking back, i can't remember ever making a decision and not 2nd guessing myself in some way.

 

heck one day i went to buy an answering machine, took me all day long to do it. i kept going to differnet stores looking for better deals, almost compulsively!

 

then when i chose one i doubted i was making the right decision. i think i got about 3-4 before i stuck with one1

 

is that wacky or what?

 

anyway, what is an enigma

 

?

You sound like a sweet enigma. I would tell him what you have told us. I wouldnt get married in July if this is how you feel. Explaining that to him is going to be hard, for him to understand. If you honestly know that he is the person you dont want to live without. If you think he will be safe with you than thats your answer. As far as having thoughts of leaving him often, that might mean that it wont work. That you dont love him enough to marry. Have the invitations gone out yet? You need to have the talk with him. We cant tell you what to do or what the outcome of talking to him will be. If your going to have a marriage with this person the both of you need to have an open line of communication. Especially when the other is puzzled about her own thoughts of marraige.

[Alex]

Crystal,

 

I think you are just a bit scared of being hurt and making such a big commitment. You need to be honest with yourself and him. Think about what you want in your life and stop comparing yourself to others. It may appear as though people have an easy life or everything is perfect but, in reality things may be different. You need to find yourself. I am not sure of your spirtuality or belief in God but, if you do believe in God, pray and ask for help. I think you need to build your love for self. Tell your man how you feel and try to express it in a tactful and unhurtful way. You need to communicate and be honest. A relationship can only build if you have respect, trust, and love for each other. You may just need some space and time to reflect.

You sound like a sweet enigma. I would tell him what you have told us. I wouldnt get married in July if this is how you feel. Explaining that to him is going to be hard, for him to understand. If you honestly know that he is the person you dont want to live without. If you think he will be safe with you than thats your answer. As far as having thoughts of leaving him often, that might mean that it wont work. That you dont love him enough to marry. Have the invitations gone out yet? You need to have the talk with him. We cant tell you what to do or what the outcome of talking to him will be. If your going to have a marriage with this person the both of you need to have an open line of communication. Especially when the other is puzzled about her own thoughts of marraige.

[Crystal]

i am more then a bit scared, i am terrified!

 

the reason though is because of my ambivilence!

 

does that even make sense? heck, i don't know if

 

anything i've said makes any sense cause to me

 

nothing makes sense.\

 

i see people buying things, going place, doing things,

 

they never even think twice about it, so why can't i???

 

that is what i'm trying to hard to figure out, why can't

 

i just commit to anything???/

 

something as simple as buying an answering machine???come'on, what is wrong with this picture??? everything!

 

there has to be a reason for this and an answer wouldn't you think???

 

some book or something i can read to help me get over this fear/ambivilence/commitment phobia/waivering/ the list goes on, i don't really know what to call it all i know is that i can't make up my mind about anything....ugggh again.

Crystal, I think you are just a bit scared of being hurt and making such a big commitment. You need to be honest with yourself and him. Think about what you want in your life and stop comparing yourself to others. It may appear as though people have an easy life or everything is perfect but, in reality things may be different. You need to find yourself. I am not sure of your spirtuality or belief in God but, if you do believe in God, pray and ask for help. I think you need to build your love for self. Tell your man how you feel and try to express it in a tactful and unhurtful way. You need to communicate and be honest. A relationship can only build if you have respect, trust, and love for each other. You may just need some space and time to reflect.

[yes]

I think u simply got too much time on your hands. When u have no time, u make decisions quickly. Get occupied! Do you have a job? Classes? anything?

 

Most people make decisions because life has made them do so. If they dont decide, nothing happens...

 

Also, you mind wanna try to learn to meditate. It brings peace of mind and is good for those who can't stop analyzing and over-analyzing...

 

by the way, i'd post-pone that wedding if i were u.

 

Best of luck.

i am more then a bit scared, i am terrified!

 

the reason though is because of my ambivilence!

 

does that even make sense? heck, i don't know if anything i've said makes any sense cause to me nothing makes sense.\ i see people buying things, going place, doing things, they never even think twice about it, so why can't i??? that is what i'm trying to hard to figure out, why can't i just commit to anything???/ something as simple as buying an answering machine???come'on, what is wrong with this picture??? everything! there has to be a reason for this and an answer wouldn't you think??? some book or something i can read to help me get over this fear/ambivilence/commitment phobia/waivering/ the list goes on, i don't really know what to call it all i know is that i can't make up my mind about anything....ugggh again.