Do pictures mean anyting?

[BannaBee57]

This is my first post so I hope people will give me some feedback!

 

Does anyone think it means anything if an ex is keeping photos of you two together and pics of you in his wallet?

 

Here's the backstory...

 

My ex and I were together for a little over 2 years. We moved in together in November

I was the one to initiate the break up when we had been living together for about 5 months. No big blow out fight or anything. I just felt like we had drifted a lot and we both seemed to stop making the relationship a priority once we lived together. I'm young (21) and like to go out and do things. He's only 24 but never really wanted to do anything like go out with friends or clubs. We decided to not renew the lease and just leave when it was over. We got a long fine and even continued to sleep in the same bed though not being intimate since January. I was OK with things (thinking we could be apart for a while and then maybe reevaluate things later on) but, when he started to gradually move his stuff out I got really emotional and told him that I wanted to try again. I just kept thinking that he is a really great guy and I love him and we really didn't try to work on anyting...we just let it go. He said he didn't think that it would work and didn't really want to try at this time.

Well, I was so sad for a while but then got the idea to write him a letter telling him how much he meant to me and how I wanted to work it out. I inclosed one of his old love letters to me thinking it would make him think a little. He got the letter and told me he would have to think about it. He said he was pretty stressed right now at work and also felt left behind as his younger sister had just gotten engaged. He said he was not where he wanted to be at his age. Seemed to me like he was having a mid life crisis at 24 years old!

Well, about 2 weeks later I called him to see if he had thought about anything and he told me that he wanted to stay apart and work on his life. He also said he wanted to see about finding someone he thought he could marry and he didn't think that I was that girl. He even said he had a crush on a new girl at work! But, he then said something like, "who knows, maybe it could work out in the future". (do guys just say this to soften the blow?) He said we could stay friends but I have been doing NC for a while now and only saw him to clean out the apartment.

I accepted his decision but was and still am very hurt. I'm not calling and begging or crying to him at all. I want him to see that I'm strong.

 

We had moved out of the apartment but still had to get it cleaned up and turn it back over to the landlord. While we were working together on cleaning things up I asked him about a picture on us together that I wanted and he said "Oh, I have it at my house". Then he opened his wallet for something and I noticed that a picture of me was still in it (this is about 3 weeks after we had our final talk). He was also looking at me quite a bit during the cleaning and making eye contact for no reason (he is not a person that makes eye contact very often, even when having a conversation) so I thought this was a little weird.

I've been out and seen a few other guys and am trying to move on but, still really want a second chance. He was my first everything so this may be why its so hard for me. I guess I'm just wondering if I am reading way too much into this whole deal with him keeping the pictures and looking at me. Or should I give it a few months and then give him a call. He's also been ill and I would like to see if he's made any progress. So, what do you think??

[Ukwizard]

Hi.

 

Nope! pics don`t mean a thing! Just because he`s cleared everything out of your apartment, he`s just not got round to clearing out his wallet. Give it a few days, or a couple of weeks, then that photot will go too.

 

How do I know? well, I don`t actually, but the fact that you asked for a picture of you two together, and the fact that he is readily about to give it back to you. That obviousily means he`s got no sentimental attachments of you together, and I bet that will be the same about the photo of you two together in his wallet. I wouldn`t ask for pics back. I`d let him keep them, as they can be a reminder of you two when you where together.

 

You must not look for signs of second chances. Your ex may not be giving more eye contact, but you looking at him, and his behaviour. It sounds like you are looking for, or seeking a change in him to come back. Just because he looks at you doesn`t mean he`s going to come back. Its like when you first fall in love with someone, and they look at you, and you think. `Cor, he fancies me. He looked at me!`. Remember its not true! He has a right to look!

 

I`d honestly stop trying to get him back now. There`s no point if he`s moved his stuff out. Giving you back your pictures. What person in their right mind would say. In fact I`ve changed my mind, and I`ll move back in` What? at such a time when everything has been moved out already!?

 

Don`t forget, you intiated the break up! The fact that when he started to move out. You panicked. I think thats now boosted his ego.

 

Do I think you have a second chance.

 

Yes I do,

 

Here they are.......slime & none.

[BannaBee57]

Just to clarify I didn't ask for the pics back and he didn't offer them to me...he just told me that he took them to his new apartment. I also didn't ask him to stay in the apartment, as we were both moved out at the time. I just thought his behavior was a bit odd and wanted to see what I stranger would think.

I know I'm fishing for signs but I just can't help it...I still feel like I belong to him and going out with others seems so darn weird. I do have a date tonight though, so we'll see how it all goes

[Ukwizard]

Good luck with your date. You might find it hard to date someone so early. I did. After 7 months I tried to date someone else, but I still had feelings for my ex. I soon found myself thinking of my ex more, and compared the both of them with my new partner.

 

Try to focus on the future, and not look in the past too much. If you, and your ex do ever get back, then that in itself will take time. Also if its meant to be its meant to......

 

All the best.

 

x

[BannaBee57]

UKWizard you were right...It probably was too soon. The date tonight didn't go too well. I kept comparing him to my ex in my head and the sad thing was they are a lot alike. But I still couldn't stop thinking about him the whole time I was out with this guy. Now I feel bad that I wasn't much fun. I wasn't very attracted to him either...I don't know if it was him or if I just won't find anyone attractive for a while?

 

I just can't shake the feeling that we should be together. Do guys say stuff like "Maybe it will work out in the future" just to soften the blow when breaking up? I think this is what is holding me back and I want to ask him if he meant it, but I am doing NC at the moment. It been one month of NC today by the way.

[Sal Paradise]

Yes some guys do say things like that to soften the blow (as do women).

 

I don't know but maybe he is right. Maybe you two just aren't compatible. When you were together you wanted to go out and he didn't, this lead to you the break up (which you initiated). Maybe he is ready for a serious relationship with someone he hopes can lead to marriage. Perhaps he see's the fact that you initiated the break up partly because he enjoys staying at home as a bad sign for the relationship in the long term.

 

It's perfectly fine for you to want to go out and live a more active social life. But it doesn't sound like he is that type of guy. He is 24 if he isn't that way in his 20's he will never be that way. He's not going to change (nor should he).

 

He wants a girl he can marry, do are you ready to be with a guy who may be looking for marriage? A guy who is fond of staying home and isn't going to want to go out to clubs etc? If I were him and considering his personality type I would probably view the relationship the same he does. You two seem to be a different points in your life. While you may still love him (and he could still love you) that isn't always enough.

[BannaBee57]

I know, I want to find someone to marry too. In fact I always thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered by the fact that he was the only person I would ever be with. I'm not into screwing around at all. As soon as I was single all I could think of was the fact that I have no interest in dating...I just want someone to count on. I know you will think this is normal as I am fresh on the dating scene and nervous about getting back out there, but I just have no interest in being with multiple people.

It bothered me that I had just turned 21 and wanted to get out a little and he wouldn't even come out with me on my birthday. I was not out every night but we had stopped doing thigs very much as a couple even before my birthday. He was really into his job and PlayStation.

As of now I'm not that interested in the bars and such...I feel like I just had to get it out of my system and was never really that interested in getting drunk and flirting with others.

I guess you could say I "initiated" the break up by pulling away from him, as he wasn't really giving me the love/attention that I felt I needed. I just wanted him to see that I was hurt by him. I also told him how I felt about the situation as well. But, instead of him trying to work on stuff he just seemed to give up...I worried about hurting him a lot, but now I'm starting to see that he wanted this too. Thats why he's not into getting back together now.

I guess I can accept the fact that now is not the right time, but maybe thats what he means by "in the future". When I grow up a little and get stuff out of my system maybe he would be willing to give it another go.

I guess I can only wait and see how I feel in a few months...maybe by then I won't even want to try again! Here's hoping!!

[Ukwizard]

To be honest, I have no idea what Sal_Paradise is on about!?

 

Maybe you two just aren't compatible.

I m sorry, but it doesn`t take 2 years for a couple to find out they are not compatible. Usually it`s the first date, or the first 6 months!! So I really disagree with what Sal says. The word `compatible`, or `incompatible`, has so many varying degrees to discuss. I mean you could also point out the fact that `opposites attract`. I think the the words not compatible is an excuse where people don`t get on with each other. I don`t know you, so I don`t know how well your communication with you ex is, or was.

 

A guy who is fond of staying home and isn't going to want to go out to clubs etc?

I disagree again with what Sal says. Just because a man stays at home doesn`t mean he`s a better man going out. There comes a point where you have been there, and done that. I mean I used to go out all the time. Go to pubs, and clubs, but when I hit 25 it just seemed like a waste of money, and also it ws the same thing every night that got boring. Besides what s the point going out when you can stay at home with a loving girlfriend? Just like Banna says,

 

As of now I'm not that interested in the bars and such...I feel like I just had to get it out of my system and was never really that interested in getting drunk and flirting with others.

 

So, Sal, please don`t judge a man just becasue he doesn`t go out.

 

It bothered me that I had just turned 21 and wanted to get out a little and he wouldn't even come out with me on my birthday.

However that is no excuse. I think your ex had lost his love for you a long time before. I mean, that is one important day in your life, and he`s no drive to come out? I mean, you must have saw the signs for example

 

He was really into his job and PlayStation.

and

 

we had stopped doing thigs very much as a couple

 

You know what the problems are Banna. At least you can now look towards the future, and correct your past mistakes. If things weren`t going your way, you need to communicate that too him. Us, men don`t get it right all the time you know. We`re not mind readers.

 

I would suggest not, dating for a while for up to 6 months. I went back to college after my split. It was VERY hard for me, as I was studying I still had feelings for my ex. I was out to prove that I could live my life without her, and embarked on a college course to further my career. It may not be a good idea for some, as God knows what would have happened if I failed, but the main thing is I passed my exams. I m looking towards my future now, and I know my ex is still dating. Shes had around 6 boyfriends in the last 18 months. Do I care anymore. Well, I used to, but the feelings will fade, and you will find someone else to obsess over. Hell, I know. If you`ve read my posts. I always wanted my ex back, but time will change people. With my ex`s past. I know she will keep on dating. She`s stayed stagnant while I went out, and got back in touch with my friends, I hadn`t spoken to for months. Took up dancing lessons, and passed my exams.

 

The difference with you is that your ex didnt have drive. He doesnt sound like he`s got energy. Think about it. You initiated the break up, and he didnt even panic. He had no energy to want to make things work. Most, or some men would do a lot of crazy `win back` stuff to get you back. Your ex didn`t. I know he doesn`t want you, and I m here to say that to you. He didn`t even have enough courage, or energy to leave you. Your ex lost focus on your relationship, and you should too. It takes 2 to make a relationship work.

 

You have to think about yourself now. Think what went wrong, and NOT how to win him back. You cant. You cant change free will.

 

Think over what I said. Try not to date just now. Work out what went wrong, look after yourself. Treat yourself. Go on holiday. Meet up with your friends. You willl find through time, that maybe your ex wasnt the one after all.

 

Good luck

[BannaBee57]

You hit the nail on the head with some of the stuff you said UK. His own cousin (one of my best friends) said he was "one of the laziest people he knows".

It's not that he got tired of the bars though. He never went! He has maybe set foot into a club 3 times in his life.

I wish I had something like school to distract me, but I'm on a waiting list to enter my major because it's very popular at my school. This was something he sited when we broke up...he felt he needed someone closer to his age who was out of school and had a full time job (I thought this was rediculous by the way).

This was my first relationship and I feel like I made some stupid beginner mistakes and I can't stop kicking myself for them!

I also found out I had a thyroid condition a few months before we broke up that was causing me to have some physical/mental/emotional problems at the time. It just hurts so much to know that he couldn't stick through it with me during this tough time.

I think I'm moving on to the anger part of the grieving process as opposed to denial, so I guess this is a good thing...thanks for the help guys.

[Ukwizard]

Hey, Banna. Thanks for agreeing with me. Hit the nail on the head? Remember, I m a man too, and I know what most of the male species are like. Your situation is vaguely similar to mine. I was a beginner too. I had my first real relationship when I was 30! I started very late. Like you said Banna,

 

I made some stupid beginner mistakes and I can't stop kicking myself for them!

I was EXACTLY like you! I beat myself up saying to myself if only I done that, I done this. At the end of the day. No matter how it is, or how it went. The fact of the matter is that the other person, or you in this case chose to leave. So don`t beat yourself over something that has happened. Its happened because of a reason. It just got to the staget where both of you left the relationship to stagnate.

 

There always will be reason why people leave. Some partners don`t have the guts to tell the truth, and like you said before they `soften` the blow.

 

My ex said the usual `its not you, it`s me`. `I m not in a good place right now`. Blah, blah. She left me hanging on for 6 months! Even told me that she never took anyone back. After speaking to her for a few weeks she then tells me to `date other people, and then come back to me!`

 

I m looking back, and think my ex was a bizarre woman that had no concept of what truth, and honesty was, or ever will be. She always contradicted herself.

 

You will get the through the anger stage too. Be very careful though as the thoughts you have in the next few weeks will be self destructing. Also be careful what you might do to yourself, and your ex. No matter what you think. Don`t do anything.

 

If you seek revenge, you`ll never have that `maybe in the future`, scenario when you get back together. The relationship didnt end in a sour way. Leave it like that. If he wants to come back to you, then fine. Make a go of it, but its up to him. I have to be honest, and say. I don`t think he ever will.

 

Find time like I said for yourself. When you are comfortable, and after 6 months. Date other people. You will see that there are other people out there that are more suited to you than your ex. Ge`s not the be all, and end all!

 

Take care Banna

[Sal Paradise]

To be honest, I have no idea what Ukwizard is talking about (in regards to my post)?

 

I never said he was wrong for not wanting to go out. I said they sound like two different personality types. I also said its possible they're at different points in their life. I personally don't go to clubs anymore. It doesn't interest me. So I fully understand "the been there done that" mentality. I was merely pointing out to her that there was a major flaw in the relationship that lead to the break up. And that getting back together wasn't going to change that flaw. Neither of them is wrong really. Its perfectly fine to want to go out all the time and its perfectly fine to be the opposite. I never suggested in my post (in the slightest) that there was anything wrong with either lifestyle.

 

 

As far as compatibility goes:

 

 

While its true that you usually know if you are compatible with a person within the first 6 months, that is not always the case. Because PEOPLE CHANGE!

 

These two started dating a little over 2 years ago, she was 19 and he was 22 (I assume). They were still (and are still) VERY YOUNG. Couples often grow apart, their interest change, and even their personalities change. When that happens they sometimes become INCOMPATIBLE as a couple.

[Ukwizard]

Utter tosh Sal, I suggest you read the entire post all over again. Like I said, it doesn`t take peope two years to become incompatible. You usually find out on the first date, and within 6 months. People don`t become incompatible over time. Read my post again!

 

People fall out of love with each other. The couple here we are talking about are NOT incompatible. They just merely grew apart. That is NOT incompatibilitly. They lost intersrt in each other.

 

Like I said read the post again

 

I was merely pointing out to her that there was a major flaw in the relationship that lead to the break up.

That in itself is NOT a flaw in a relationship.

 

How is it?

 

Just because one person stays in. Like I said, just because a man goes out and does things DOES NOT mean he`s a better man by going out.

 

You could argue the fact that someone that goes out all the time can be a game player, by going out getting drunk, and flirting with other girls. Playing the field. Always out on the pull.

 

Please don`t say you don`t understand my post, because you do.

 

Like you said,

 

While its true that you usually know if you are compatible with a person within the first 6 months, that is not always the case. Because PEOPLE CHANGE!

In that case you do agree with me, but that doesnt mean there become incompatible. It just means one partner falls out of love, (or both of them) and they don`t try hard enough. They give up. Just becasue they give up doesnt mean they become incompatible! Opinions and attitudes change, but we have a right to our own opinions, and attitudes. That still doesn`t mean incompatibality.

 

I said they sound like two different personality types

Just because one person stays in, and one goes out DOES NOT in any way make them two different personnality types, but merely a decison.

 

I also said its possible they're at different points in their life. I personally don't go to clubs anymore. It doesn't interest me

It doesnt interest Bannabees ex too, but that dies not mean its a flaw in a relationship. I have friends, and colleagues who have their partners stay in, and not do anything, and that in itself is not a flaw. Its just their decision to stay indoors.

 

I never suggested in my post (in the slightest) that there was anything wrong with either lifestyle.

Oh, yes you did, you said

 

getting back together wasn't going to change that flaw

And l;ike I said, that in itself is not a flaw.

 

SO Sal what are you talking about?

[BannaBee57]

Good Lord!

 

Well, tonight I went out with my sister to just have a few beers and play some darts. No "man plans"...just wanted to have fun.

 

I don't know how it happened but I found myslef in the middle of the bar, surrounded by people, and I just started bawling. It was like the realization hit me that I had no one to come home to, no one that really cared that much.

 

I ended up calling my best friend in a panic and her husband (the ex's cousin) came to get me. It was just horrid! I sat in his car for 2 hours crying my eyes out and venting everything while he just sat there and rubbed my shoulders. I'm so pathetic right now.

 

I just want to mention to you UKWizard that I'm not sure what you mean about the anger stage of the grieving...like "be careful what you do to yourself and him". I'm not even talking or in contact with my ex (my decision) and as much as I would like to crawl in a hole in die right now I would never "hurt myself". Does this have another meaning or something.

 

I also am wondering if you ever believe anyone will get back together with their ex's or is it just you belief in my perticular case? I don't think he'll come back either but my head wants to tell me otherwise.

[Ukwizard]

Banna! Hey, don`t worry about being tearful. I was the exact same way around 10 months ago. Things WILL chnage. You are still in the grieving process. I know exactly where you are. I ve been through it myself a few months ago,

 

I don't know how it happened but I found myself in the middle of the bar, surrounded by people, and I just started bawling. It was like the realization hit me that I had no one to come home to, no one that really cared that much.

I had the same feelings too. Don`t worry, about it. Its only natural. You are coping with a loss. I realised coming home after work was especially tough. I had no one to come home to, or anyone to speak to anymore. There where many times when I burts into tears, sometimes for no reason what so ever.

 

What you have to realise is Banna, is that this is LIFE CHANGE. You got used to it after 2 years of having someone there around you, and now you`ve realised there is no one.

 

I just want to mention to you UKWizard that I'm not sure what you mean about the anger stage of the grieving...like "be careful what you do to yourself and him".

Okay, maybe I have to a little clearer with the grieving process. I dodn`t even know it existed but here goes. You will go through different stages of grieff. Why? Like I said, its a life change you`ve had. You`ve finally realised that you have lost something.

 

There are 5 stages of grief.

 

. Denial

· Anger

· Bargaining

· Depression

· Acceptance

 

Although, sometimes it doesn`t come in that order.

 

I also am wondering if you ever believe anyone will get back together with their ex's or is it just you belief in my perticular case? I don't think he'll come back either but my head wants to tell me otherwise.

Sounds like you are still in denial.

 

What I meant about "be careful what you do to yourself and him". Is that you will get angry with yourself. I had awful dreams of ending my life! You will get angry, at him, and you will think of revenge. You might not think that now, and I thought that too, but its only natural. I m advising not to do anything too drastic, or say something which you might regret. You only have to do, or say something bad that will ruin your chances of getting back forever.

 

Just think about your ex`s point of view. They wouldn`t want someone harrassing them all the time to get back. NC will work in a sense because they will wonder what happened to you. It would be better if you went out there, and enjoyed life, so when they do get back in touch. You will have so many things to say them, and not being a crazy ex that`s almost liek stalking them.

 

Keep up with NC on the time being, and STAY around your friends. This helped me. I wanted to BE WITH SOMEONE all the time after my partner left. I knew that I m issed her companionship, so I seeked companionship elsewhere. My friends.

[Sal Paradise]

I was merely pointing out to her that there was a major flaw in the relationship that lead to the break up. And that getting back together wasn't going to change that flaw.

 

I wasn't calling the lifestyle a flaw in the relationship. I was talking about their difference in lifestyle possibly being a flaw. Why don't you try reading posts for a change. There is a huge difference between calling a person flawed and the relationship flawed. I never said either of them was flawed, on the contrary I said neither of them was wrong for being the way they were. What I said was its possible they wanted different things out of a relationship.

 

Furthermore that quote wasn't in my original post. It was in a follow up post. The original post was the one you were originally commenting on when you said this....

 

So, Sal, please don`t judge a man just becasue he doesn`t go out

 

As I said, I never said anything in the "ORIGINAL" post that would suggest that I was calling either lifestyle a flaw.

 

Its become quite obvious that you don't read posts, you just scan them and jump to conclusions.

 

 

That in itself is NOT a flaw in a relationship.

 

How is it?

 

Just because one person stays in. Like I said, just because a man goes out and does things DOES NOT mean he`s a better man by going out.

 

A flaw in the relationship doesn't mean there is something wrong with either of them. What part of that can't you grasp? It means that they're incompatible. Two great people who are doing nothing wrong within a relationship can be incompatible.

 

And since you don't seem capable of grasping this I'll say it again, I NEVER SAID STAYING AT HOME WAS A FLAW. At least try to read the posts on here before responding.

 

 

In that case you do agree with me, but that doesnt mean there become incompatible. It just means one partner falls out of love, (or both of them) and they don`t try hard enough. They give up. Just becasue they give up doesnt mean they become incompatible! Opinions and attitudes change, but we have a right to our own opinions, and attitudes. That still doesn`t mean incompatibality.

 

People can become incompatible. It happens all the time. Let me give you an example....

 

 

I knew a couple who were married for 11 years. sometime around year 7 the wife went thru a bit of a mid life crisis. So she decided to go back to school and further her education to get a more fulfilling job (and a better paying one). Let me point out so you don't become confused that I have no problem with this decision, I think people should always strive for new challenges.

 

She and her husband had always talked of moving up North (they lived in Florida) and starting a family in upper New York State. After finishing school she decided she no longer wanted to move to New York, and she had changed her mind about having children. This wasn't a case of her just going along with her husbands plans, she wanted the same things he did for all those years. But over the course of those years she slowly changed into the person she became (we all change!). Her goals changed, her priorities changed. She still loved her husband and for the most part the marriage was fine. But they wanted different things out of life. She now wanted to move to Los Angeles. He had no desire to live in a big city. She wanted the excitement.

 

Neither of them was wrong, but they were also going in two different directions. They had grown apart. The only way for them to come together would be for one of them to give up on something vital to fulfilling their hopes and dreams for what they wanted out of the marriage. They had become INCOMPATIBLE (they even worded that way when I found out they were seperating). They were perfectly compatible for the first 7 years of the marriage but they grew apart to incompatibility.

 

This is just one example, this kind of thing happens all the time for many different reasons. Many couples grow apart emotionally but sometimes they grow apart in such fundemental ways that even if they still love each other they realize the relationship is doomed to fail. Most things can be fixed with compromise but not when it requires you to compromise the very things you want out of a relationship.

 

Just because one person stays in, and one goes out DOES NOT in any way make them two different personnality types, but merely a decison.

 

Is it always two different personality types? No. Is it often two different personality types? Yes.

 

It is not merely a decision. One person not wanting to go out while the other person does is a conflict in many relationships. It's an extremely common one. And it can be a sign that the couple isn't compatible.

[Ukwizard]

Hi Sal

 

There is a huge difference between calling a person flawed and the relationship flawed. I never said either of them was flawed

Oh, yes you did, and I can quote you again,

 

I was merely pointing out to her that there was a major flaw in the relationship that lead to the break up.

Like I said the relationship is NOT flawed. Its based on a decison on one partner staying in. Its a decision, and not a flaw.

 

Like you said,

 

Neither of them is wrong really. Its perfectly fine to want to go out all the time and its perfectly fine to be the opposite.

So if NEITHER of them is wrong. How is it a flaw?

 

I was talking about their difference in lifestyle possibly being a flaw.

Fair enough Sal, but I think you`re back tracking now, plus we are talking about Banna`s relationship here, and not her lifestyle. People have different lifestyles doesn`t mean they are incompatible, or a flaw. A good example of this is people who are in long distance relationships. People in interacial relationships. These are big differences in lifestyles, culture, and they are still not flaws. People do work these things out you know, and millions of people don`t see this as a flaw because we wouldn`t have these relationships today.

 

 

 

I knew a couple who were married for 11 years. sometime around year 7 the wife went thru a bit of a mid life crisis. So she decided to go back to school and further her education to get a more fulfilling job (and a better paying one). Let me point out so you don't become confused that I have no problem with this decision, I think people should always strive for new challenges.

 

She and her husband had always talked of moving up North (they lived in Florida) and starting a family in upper New York State. After finishing school she decided she no longer wanted to move to New York, and she had changed her mind about having children. This wasn't a case of her just going along with her husbands plans, she wanted the same things he did for all those years. But over the course of those years she slowly changed into the person she became (we all change!). Her goals changed, her priorities changed. She still loved her husband and for the most part the marriage was fine. But they wanted different things out of life. She now wanted to move to Los Angeles. He had no desire to live in a big city. She wanted the excitement.

 

Neither of them was wrong, but they were also going in two different directions. They had grown apart. The only way for them to come together would be for one of them to give up on something vital to fulfilling their hopes and dreams for what they wanted out of the marriage. They had become INCOMPATIBLE (they even worded that way when I found out they were seperating). They were perfectly compatible for the first 7 years of the marriage but they grew apart to incompatibility.

Sal, unfortunately that maybe a poor exmample. That does not mean they are incompatible. It just means they have different aspirations.

 

It is not merely a decision. One person not wanting to go out while the other person does is a conflict in many relationships.

I m not sure how many relationships you`ve been in, but I don`t consider that as conflict. It doesn`t matter if one person wants to stay in.

 

Is it always two different personality types? No. Is it often two different personality types? Yes.

Not sure what you mean here, Sal. Its a contradiction of terms you are stating here.

 

I wouldn`t even consider using the words personnality types. There is no such thing as people with the same personnality. There are so many varying degrees we can talk about here about personnality.

 

With Banna`s story, and like I said before

 

People fall out of love with each other. The couple here we are talking about are NOT incompatible. They just merely grew apart. That is NOT incompatibilitly. They lost interest in each other.

People move on, and people have different aspirations, and decisons to make in like. That STILL does not make them incompatible. They can still stay in love with each other. I agree with what you say,

 

The only way for them to come together would be for one of them to give up on something

And, this will ultimately decide if the relationship would continue. I know what you mean here Sal. For example if a couple is in a long distance relationship, and they want to be toghter. Someone will have to make a sacrifice, and make a move to be closer to their partner.

 

I disagree with what you say, about personnality types, and lifestyles. flaws in the relationship (which you did mention), and incompatility. Why, becasue these things can be fixed.

 

At the end of the day, its simple. Like Banna said in the beginning,

 

I just felt like we had drifted a lot and we both seemed to stop making the relationship a priority once we lived together.

They just grew apart. I did mention her partner had no drive, or energy to be with her, and showed no commitment on her birthday. There`s nothing really in Bannas post to say they are incompatible. Just because one person stays in, and the other wants to go out can`t be conflict. Its just one partners decison.

 

If that is the case, and your basing this `decison`, as someone`s lifestyle. I think it would be a poor choice to decide if a relationship should work, or not just because it`s based on a decison.

[Sal Paradise]

Oh, yes you did, and I can quote you again

 

No you can't. You can quote something and take it out of context and put your own meaning into it. Thats what you did the first time. That's not proving anything except that its pointless to debate you. You can't debate someone who is going to ignore the obvious. Anyone can take one sentence out of a paragraph and read into it something different than the author intended. That is what you're doing.

 

In my first response to her post I said the following......

 

He is 24 if he isn't that way in his 20's he will never be that way. He's not going to change (nor should he).

 

"That way" is referring to his wanting to stay home. Notice ine the second sentence I said "He's not going to change" and then in parenthesis it says "nor should he". If that isn't as clear as blue I don't know what is. I said he shouldn't have to change. Why would I say that if I thought there was something wrong with his lifestyle? Reading comprehension my friend. Love it, learn it, live it.

 

None of this exchange between you and I would of taken place if you would of merely read the post in its entirety and not taken parts of it out of context and misunderstood the use of "flaw".

 

Fair enough Sal, but I think you`re back tracking now

 

No I'm explaining what I meant to someone who seems to have a reading disability.

 

Sal, unfortunately that maybe a poor exmample. That does not mean they are incompatible. It just means they have different aspirations.

 

Here is the definition of capable (from google)...

 

"able to exist and perform in harmonious or agreeable combination; "a compatible married couple"; "her deeds were compatible with her ideology"

 

having similar disposition and tastes; "a compatible married couple"; "with their many similar tastes, he found her a most sympathetic companion"

 

capable of being used with or connected to other devices or components without modification

 

(of a couple) existing together harmoniously

 

capable of forming a homogeneous mixture that neither separates nor is altered by chemical interaction"

 

 

One wanting to live in a city while one doesn't isn't "similar disposition and tastes". One wanting to pursue a career in LA, not have children while the other wants the opposite is not a "harmonious or agreeable combination". Going by the definition of the word compatible, the excellent example I gave perfectly defines "incompatible (opposite of a compatible) couple". You can label it whatever you want but it still gets back to them (the couple in my example, I must point this out so some don't become confused) being incompatible.

 

You just won't budge on this and neither will I which shows we're incompatible forum members.

[BannaBee57]

Well, aside for the misunderstandings going on between you two I just wanted to mention to UKWizard that I am familiar with the grieving process and would never dream of hurting or retaliating against my ex. I won't say that I haven't thought about what it would be like to not have to live with this pain anymore, but I also would never kill myself over someone else (you have to have other psychological issues to start from if you take that measure).

I asked you UKWizard about your point of view on wether you think anyone gets back together or not because I've read a few of your other post and it seems like you're not an advocate for it, so I got the sense that you never think it will work.

I also know that not everyone goes through the stages of grief in the same order, or goes through all the staged for that matter. I believe I was still in denial a few days ago but am now into depression as I have realised he is not coming back anytime soon. I don't think there will be an anger stage for me, as I have no reason to be angery with him...we seperated on the best possible terms as far as I'm concerned. I did this knowing full well that if I cryed, begged, or stalked him I would never be welcomed back into his life in any terms in the future.

As it stands I now know that I can not be in or think about a romantic relationship for myself I am just going to lean on my friends for the support they offer and if I get accepted to the health insurance program I applied for I might go see someone about the anxiety I've been feeling.

Thanks guys.

[Ukwizard]

Sal,

 

You just won't budge on this and neither will I which shows we're incompatible forum members.

 

That does NOT mean we are incompatible. I agree with you in some respects, and in other ways I don`t. The word incompatible is not so black, and white.

 

I disagreed with your example because the married couple had different aspirations, however I did agree that on had to make a sacrifice.

 

No I'm explaining what I meant to someone who seems to have a reading disability.

 

There`s debating, and debating but there is no need to be judgemental. I m entitled to my own opinion, and so are you. I disagree like I said about some of your ideas, and others I did agree. In the end that does not mean we are incompatible, but just a difference of opinion.

[Ukwizard]

Hiya Banna,

 

I asked you UKWizard about your point of view on whether you think anyone gets back together, or not because I've read a few of your other post and it seems like you're not an advocate for it, so I got the sense that you never think it will work.

Woa, I never really implied that. What I suggested was that your ex has just recently left. He`s a long way in returning back to you soon. Remember he`s moved out. Both of you lost interest in each other long ago.

 

I m actually all for second chance. I am still. My ex left me around 10 months ago, and I always wanted another chance. Unfortunately she never communicated to me what she wanted until after she left, which is a strange way to do things if you ask.

 

In certain couples, with their relationships it depends how it all ended. Thats why I m asking you not to do something drastic or seem desparate to win your ex back. Like everything else. He left for a reason, or for many reasons. Only time will tell if you get back, but in the meantime date other people, because he may be the one after all.

 

I agree with second chances if the couple know what the problems in the previous relationship were. It takes a lot to go back. I think in your scenario it can work. I just think your ex doesn`t have the fun, and energy you have. He may like to stay in, but there are many things you can do with a loving partner that stays in. Romantic things like watching a DvD, enjoying your time, and conversation with a bottle of win. Making dinner together, taking a bath together. If you stay in with him, and you want to do things as a couple, then suggest a small trip somewhere, and take it from there. People do change, and they don`t necessary will become a `couch potato`. I was very shy, and wanted to stay in all the time, but I eventually came out of my shell, after I was hearing all my friend were having fun, and enjoying themselves.

 

People do change, and you might even be surprised. Sorry that`s why I disagree with what some things Sal is saying about incompatiblity, or lifestyles. Couple do get back together. Not citing incompatibilty, but talking about their wants, needs, aspirations, and their directions in life. I think incompatibility is not a word we should use over time for a breakdown of a relationship, because people do reconcile. They get back together. Not because they are, but they know what is incompatible, and what they will sacrifice in order to stay as a couple. How? They compromise.

[BannaBee57]

Thanks for clarifying UK. I appreciate your honest words.