boyfriend's lack of affection to me ?

[distressed]

hello...

 

my b/f and i have been together for nearly 3 months. in the beginning, he was very affectionate: always reaching for my hand when we'd be in public, would often have his arm around me, couldn't stop from giving me "kisses for no reason." Sometimes I'd be in the kitchen (when he was over visiting) and he'd come up from the living room, and just give me a hug and kiss, and it really touched my heart.

 

we've had some issues but we've worked through them and are back together. this past weekend he'd invited me to something both friday and saturday night, kind of a public event, where some of his employees and coworkers would be (a really casual social event). he was so non-affectionate to me that it took all I had not to cry. at these same events, he'd usually hold my hand or put his hand on my leg or put his arm around me, and he'd introduce me as his girlfriend. now it's all different. i felt more like his "friend" this weekend than anything.

 

to anyone didn't know we were a couple, judging by his behavior, they probably would have thought we were just friends. this hurt me immensely. and no, i didn't say anything to him because i don't want to appear clingy or insecure. i played it cool but inside i was dying. i'm not asking for him to make out with me in public for goodness sakes but just the smallest sign of affection, like he used to show. is this his way of showing me that maybe he just wants to be friends? if so then why wouldn't he just tell me, and why would have have spent all weekend with me (including staying at my house nearly all weekend).

 

i'm not into huge public displays of affection myself, but when we'd be walking side by side somewhere, he used to automatically reach for my hand to hold it. now he doesn't, ever, and it's killing me inside. maybe his affection in the beginning was all an act? but don't you think if someone really cared about you, it would be natural for them to show you some affection?

 

the only time he seems to really be affectionate is when he's horny and he's working up to us having sex. so is that even real affection or just buttering me up?

 

i'm afraid to mention how i feel to him because he might feel pressured to show affection when maybe he doesn't really feel it, or he might think i'm too needy but i don't know how much longer I can feel like i'm dying inside because i just wish he'd *show me* that he cares. i don't ask for that much. he's really confusing me. what do you think about all this? how do i deal with this? does it sound like a lost cause? ~distressed~

[Tony T]

The fact that you're afraid to bring this up to him in healthy relationship communication is a serious danger sign that the two of you are way off track.

 

If it's affection you need, you must communicate this to him. There's no good reason why you should live in silent hurt and let your feelings grow into bitter resentment and it's not fair to him either.

 

Immediately, or as soon as possible, talk to him and ask him why his demonstrations of affection have diminished over time. The two of you have not been seeing each other long enough for the newness to have worn off that much. See what he's got to say.

 

Could be he's just not the right guy for you. And I don't think it's very sincere for him to only show affection when he's horney...that's not right. Foreplay starts early in the day or the week with the way two people treat each other and the affection they show. It isn't something that clicks on a half hour before sex.

 

So rather than sit in front of your computer to try to figure this out in forums, go sit in front of your guy and talk this out. You have nothing to lose whatsoever. If you're afraid to talk to him, that's your fault and also a sign you're in a really stinking relationship. Talk to him and get to the bottom of this. Let him know you need and deserve signs of affection when you are together.

 

In my opinion, it's sad that you should have to ask for this...but it's also sad if he doesn't know what you needs are.

 

If the situation doesn't improve and last over a good period of time, you are not going to be a happy camper. In time, you may have to consider a guy who has sincere feelings for you and wants to demonstrate them. However, your guy may really care deeply for you and there may be some underlying reason why the displays of affection have disappeared. But you'll never find out by asking us...you've got to talk to your guy.