HELP ME... In over my head.

[Brand]

Ive been dating this guy for a bit but today he kinda held back from me. When I saw him on campus he gave me a hug and started to hold my hand but quickly pulled away. Soon after, I went to the library to finish up some homework.

 

He started talking to a friend of mine and her told her that he doesnt like PDA's which confused me because he is always showing me affection in public and in private. He didnt really talk to me much after the class we have together or on the way to his truck.

 

When we got to his truck he told me that he likes me but his ex came over yesterday and told him she still loves him. They broke up a few months ago because she cheated on him. She comes back every so often and plays head games with him and he hurts over it for weeks afterwards. He said he is thinking of leaving school and going to another state where his dad lives to have time to himself. I dont know what to do... I REALLY like this guy but I dont know if I can handle all this drama. Should I wait for him to come around or should I just say screw it and go be with another guy? He told me that he didnt want me to think that I was being used or that he didnt like me because he does like me. I am really confused right now because we were kinda getting serious.

 

I told him to keep me posted and that if he needed to talk he can call me, but I dont know if I can listen to him go on about his ex gf. Please help.

[brand]

He kept teling me how comfortable and right he felt while we were together. We havent been intimate with each other as of right now (but I was planning on it for this weekend). We have been close, we have slept (pretty much naked) together, and we were talking about plans for this summer. We were going to go to his dad's house. I am just SOOOO confused.

Ive been dating this guy for a bit but today he kinda held back from me. When I saw him on campus he gave me a hug and started to hold my hand but quickly pulled away. Soon after, I went to the library to finish up some homework. He started talking to a friend of mine and her told her that he doesnt like PDA's which confused me because he is always showing me affection in public and in private. He didnt really talk to me much after the class we have together or on the way to his truck. When we got to his truck he told me that he likes me but his ex came over yesterday and told him she still loves him. They broke up a few months ago because she cheated on him. She comes back every so often and plays head games with him and he hurts over it for weeks afterwards. He said he is thinking of leaving school and going to another state where his dad lives to have time to himself. I dont know what to do... I REALLY like this guy but I dont know if I can handle all this drama. Should I wait for him to come around or should I just say screw it and go be with another guy? He told me that he didnt want me to think that I was being used or that he didnt like me because he does like me. I am really confused right now because we were kinda getting serious.

 

I told him to keep me posted and that if he needed to talk he can call me, but I dont know if I can listen to him go on about his ex gf. Please help.

[Tony T]

Sounds like the timing was way off on this. He's got a lot of healing to do. You're best off moving on. Let him contact you when he's ready and if you're available at the time, maybe you can get something going.

 

No, you don't need to be available for him to talk about his ex and all that stuff. You are interested in him as a possible boyfriend. Why would you want to put up with listening to all his whining about another girl? And if you do this, he will think of you only as a friend or buddy. When guys are interested in a female romantically, they don't cry on her shoulders about another female.

[midori]

1. He's not over his ex girlfriend. She's still the thing he orbits around. In fact her effect on him is so strong that he's considering leaving the area altogether to get lessen her influence on him.

 

2. Regardless of what he says, he's using you. He knows he's emotionally unavailable, no matter how much he wishes that weren't the case. He's not ready to move on with a new person -- you -- no matter how much he might like to.

 

3. There is no hope for you in this. None whatsoever. He ought to apologize for wasting your time and then make himself scarce, because he has no right to toy with your heart just because his is hurting. Why should you be sharing in the agony that comes from his tie to his ex girlfriend? It has nothing to do with you. Foisting his melodrama on you is not showing you respect. If he truly appreciated how wonderful you are and how lucky he is to have your concern & attention, he'd make sure to shield you from any of the nonsense having to do with his ex -- whether or not he was ready to move on from her and get involved with you.

 

This has nothing to do with you, how attractive you are, how wonderful your company is, etc. This is about a guy who is so wrapped up in himself that he doesn't even see that he's letting his pain spill onto other people. Why would you tolerate that?

 

Pretend this wasn't a matter of the heart. Say it was about money instead. Say that this guy had loaned his ex some money, and then some more money, but she never repaid him. So he found himself in need of cash and turned to you. Say you gave him the cash, fully expecting to have it returned promptly only to discover that he turned around and gave the money you'd lent him to his irresponsible ex! You'd want it back right away, wouldn't you, and you'd never again even consider lending him money.

 

It boils down to much the same thing. He can't make use of what you're offering because everything he has is oriented toward his ex. So why are you offering it? Find someone with a free heart. You can't win this one (and even if you could it would be a hollow victory. Remember that he's choosing to stay stuck on his ex rather than moving on with someone better. What does that say about him?).

 

I've been in situations like yours. They are without a doubt a complete waste of time and energy. I hope you'll wash your hands of this guy and his angst.

[velvet]

He doesnt know what he wants right now. I wouldnt inquire into any more. You may have been his rebound girl. It happens. How much do you know about him. Is he looking to settle down with someone. This girl may have just threw him through a loop temporarly. He is in pain and only he can figure it out in due time. You can be his friend but be careful not to give into him. He has another girl on his mind. If you want him dont give in now.

 

Sounds like the timing was way off on this. He's got a lot of healing to do. You're best off moving on. Let him contact you when he's ready and if you're available at the time, maybe you can get something going. No, you don't need to be available for him to talk about his ex and all that stuff. You are interested in him as a possible boyfriend. Why would you want to put up with listening to all his whining about another girl? And if you do this, he will think of you only as a friend or buddy. When guys are interested in a female romantically, they don't cry on her shoulders about another female.

[Brand]

I got to thinking about what you guys said and I realized that I was setting myself up for disapointment/heartbreak. So I talked to Matt today and told him that he needs to get closure on his past relationship and I told him that Im not going to sit here and wait around long. I told him that Ive been hurt too many times in the past and Im not going through it again. So we are going to get together after he gets out of class to talk about when WE think will be a good time to try this "relationship" thing again. Thanx for all the help.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "So we are going to get together after he gets out of class to talk about when WE think will be a good time to try this "relationship" thing again."

 

So how are either of you supposed to know the answer to this. It just isn't something you pull out of your head. A good time to try is when he is over his previous relationship, over the head stuff and ready to start something anew.

 

You'll accomplish nothing by talking except, perhaps, to agree that when he feels he's completely ready the two of you can maybe get something going if you aren't seeing anybody else.

 

It would be nuts for you to wait around for him. There is no guarantee that he won't meet and start dating somebody else when he's ready.