Getting over the Commitment Phobic Relationship

[Diver012]

Hey there!

 

As the months drag on, litterally, I am feeling better and a little more like my old self every day. I have posted many threads on here, and have tried to offer my advice, as biased as it has been sometimes, as some sort of thank you for everyones support. As I am sitting here in the middle of a tropical storm, I thought I would type up a little update on how I feel.

 

First, I dont see myself as a victim. Life is life. It sucks sometimes. I will look back on what happened here and see it as a growing experience. Life to me isn't about who or what we end up with, but more on how we learn to cherish what we do have, and not sit and complain about what we dont. Its human nature to get down and wonder "Why is this happening to me?" I do it. Everyone does. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. Well, it aint fair. But nothing we do is gonna make life turn around and say.. gee, im sorry that happened to you, lemme make it up to you some how.

 

At 35 years old I found myself involved in a relationship that suddenly felt like "The One" That was a first for me. We discussed moving in together, getting married, right up to the point when we broke up. As a matter of fact, I remember a conversation in which she told me not to buy a lawn tractor, as she already had one, and it would be a waist to buy another because we were gonna end up together. A week later I was dumped. I cant possible imagine what its like for people who are married to go through a divorce. To say those words before God, then to have it end must be gut wrenching. I have wined and complained enough. I consider myself lucky to be in the position I am. I have my own house. There are no kids between us. No obligations at all other than we work together. Thats plenty enough.

 

I had to stop and face the fact that there was no way a life with this woman was ever possible. That was a hard one to accept. But the fact of the matter is at the first sign of trouble, she bailed. For those who are struggling with similar situations, do you really want to end up with someone in a marriage thats just going to split when things get tough. I know this person felt wonderful to you, but allow yourself to feel the pain and anger this person caused you by leaving the way they did. It forced me to realize that I need someone with a lot less fear, and a lot more courage. My life is much better off without that kind of person in it. You are too.

 

I thank God every day for the Gifts I do have

I try not to bitch about what I lost, or what I cannot have

I fail and I hurt and I cry. Sue me im Human

God forgives. I do to. SO should you

 

Somewhere, someone, who could be wonderful for you in your life, is feeling the same way and wants the same things you do. If you allow your heart to forgive, and your lucky, you just may find it.

[simon_uk]

that was a very brave and inspiring post. thank you for that.

 

I know exactly how you feel, my ex did exactly the same. Was talking about moving in, picking paint for the walls, telling me how much she loved me right up until one day before she left me.

 

I have wracked my brains over and over again trying to think if I did anything wrong and the truth is I didnt. I was nothing but charming, respectful, thoughtful, loving, caring etc etc

 

I will never understand what went wrong unless she chooses to tell me. Her reasons for ending the relationship was, I thought I was ready for a relationship but realise I am not. What?!?!?! Never heard anything so lame in all my life. It would have been harder if she said you are a complete wanker and I dont love you but it would have given me some sort of explanation.

 

I will never understand how somebody can get so close and allow another person to get so close to them, then just run. It is baffling.

 

I will read and re-read your post and hopefully it will sink in that she is never coming back.

 

Simon

[Diver012]

that was a very brave and inspiring post. thank you for that.

 

I know exactly how you feel, my ex did exactly the same. Was talking about moving in, picking paint for the walls, telling me how much she loved me right up until one day before she left me.

 

I have wracked my brains over and over again trying to think if I did anything wrong and the truth is I didnt. I was nothing but charming, respectful, thoughtful, loving, caring etc etc

 

I will never understand what went wrong unless she chooses to tell me. Her reasons for ending the relationship was, I thought I was ready for a relationship but realise I am not. What?!?!?! Never heard anything so lame in all my life. It would have been harder if she said you are a complete wanker and I dont love you but it would have given me some sort of explanation.

 

I will never understand how somebody can get so close and allow another person to get so close to them, then just run. It is baffling.

 

I will read and re-read your post and hopefully it will sink in that she is never coming back.

 

Simon

 

Simon,

 

I am sorry that you are going through a similar situation. When my Ex broke up with me the VERY first thing she did tell me was... "You did NOTHING wrong."

 

That was the hardest fact to accept. It took months to accept that. I walked around wondering, asking what if.. The fact of the matter is, someone who is truely healthy and is capable of loving you the way they claim to, will not bail, even if you have done something that is upsetting to them. People who love you will be there for better and for worse. The fact that she just left without a reason.. is a clear indication that it was all her, nothing you could have done differently could have changed the outcome. It was pure Fear

[UnknowingOW]

Trust me...men do it too.

 

My exFin and I were together 5+ years. Finally engaged last Feb, but that was after me saying I was walking if we didn't take the next step.

 

I had bought my house in TN and hadn't done any renovations because he would say..."don't by a lawn mower I already have one. don't buy furniture for the family room will use my leather set down there."

 

My exF was a committement phobic which I had to point out to him in 2003. He went into counseling, but never believed he was a CP.

 

I finally walked away. We had been in an LDR for 4 years. After the engagement he said we would never spend another holiday appart. By Labor Day 2005 we hadn't spent 1-holiday together. He would tell me his home was going on the market "this weekend" and it would never happen.

 

I finally gave up because there is nothing you can do to make them want to be with you. It's so difficult to be involved with a CP. It's a pull you relationship with no solution and only pain. You know they love you but their fears are too deep to give the relationship any chance for making it.

 

Good Luck Diver

[simon_uk]

To be honest, I doubt very much my ex is a CP and it would be unfair of me to self diagnose that she is.

 

It just seems like very strange behaviour. Perhaps it is just an immaturity thing? Who knows?

[Greensleaves]

It seems to be more common these days; you would think that people at least should be able to state reasons why they want out.

I had a similar thing happened to me just a month ago, my Exbf walked out as well and I still don't know why. There hasn't been a fight or any big problems.

I once walked out ,too on another longterm bf, so I am trying to see the other side and in the beginning he did say it came as a big surprise, but admitted weeks later that there were hints and he just ignored them. (like me not saying that I loved him anymore etc). However, I did give him reasons like that I still liked him alot but didn't love him anymore and can't give him what he actually wants. Maybe it did sound lame to him, too. Maybe it is bound to sound lame when you are the one that is still investing feelings and were dumped, I don't know.