How do you gently break up with someone?

[Beee]

[sIZE=1][sIZE=1]It might sound like a silly question but I've never really had to "break someone's heart".....

I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 years on and off (the last 2 have been in a serious relationship. We now live together and have done for the past year or so)...

For the past 3 months things have not been good. I moved out to have some space and things went from bad to worse. Bad and nasty things were said from both parts.

We are now left not knowing where we stand with each other.

 

To cut a very long story short, I still care about him a great great deal. He means a lot to me, especially after 10 years of knowing each other... I don't feel happy anymore and sadly I don't think I have much left to give to our relationship. I have also met someone else (he was a communal friend who has turned into something more than just a friend for me) who makes me happy and makes me laugh....

 

I feel terrible. Until about 10 months ago I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, and now I find myself trying to break away. I sometimes have troubles coping with this new realisation, that maybe after all we are not really made for each other....

 

I care about him very very much so I'm finding it very hard to break the news to him. I would love to keep his friendship (although I know that might be wishful thinking).

We live together so it will be very hard to break up and go our separate ways, which is another thing which is stopping me from leaving. He is about to start a part-time Master and therefore won't be earning as much anymore. The idea was I would help him (mostly financially) for the next couple of years while he completed this Masters. So I feel terrible about this too... If I leave how will he manage?

 

I have never broken anyone's heart.... and I am terrified at the idea of doing just that... I ask myself, how can I put my boyfriend through such pain? ok, I'm not in love with him anymore but he means a great deal to me....

I know people argue that its better to know the truth about these things rather than stay stuck in a relationship where the other person doesn't love you anymore.... but I just can't bring myself to purposely hurting him. I don't know how he will manage with his masters and all (as he has clearly said he really don't like the idea of living in shared accommodation again).

 

This was meant to be a short post and has turned out to be rather long.... sorry )

How do you do it gently to cause the least damage?

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[Poboy]

well sadly dear , there is nothing like a gentle breakup... a breakup is a breakup... it will be rough on him and you depending on how much you two are in love.

the only thing i can say ... you can suggest to stay friends over time & that you can help him financially ( if you want to & he is ok with it) because you did make a commitment to him regarding this , so its your call... that might lessen the impact of the breakup.

[Winfield]

Whatever you do, don't go down the "gentle" break-up road - all this does is just draws the process out for a lot longer than needed. There is no easy way of breaking up.

 

Tell him how you feel, and what your intentions are. Heck, there's nothing like being brutally honest! If he's the respectful sort, he'll accept your decision and leave things be - if not, however, well, you can't dictate the way in which he'll take the news of the break-up...but that's his problem, and not yours.

 

As for his Masters - well, that's up to him to sort out for himself. Keeping things going the way they are at present for "conventient" purposes (ie, shared accomodation) will only result in resentment - and, however the relationship's been between you both, you don't want to end things on a sour note like that!

 

And another thing - don't make empty promises! If you say "let's be friends" but don't really have the intention of doing so, don't say it!

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

I am in the same situation as you are. I am not in love with my girlfriend anymore, but care for her deeply (been together 3 yrs). It is the guilt that's making me prolong this wondering/worrying about if she can afford to live on her own with her son. Your post really hits home for me, but we can't let guilt keep us in a relationship, but it is hard to break away. There is no easy way to do it. wish you all the best.

[Beee]

Thanks for your advice. Deep down I think I know there is no other way around this, other than to just face the situation. I have also come to realise that its the change element of all this that is holding me back.

 

My boyfirend is all I've known for 8 years, I saw my future with him and now all this could change. I don't really like change, its just not in my nature. I am trying to come to terms with this big change and hope that the transition will become a little less traumatic.

 

Thanks for your advice :-)

[Joyvke]

In love, as in feeling butterflies and all, will pass eventually. Most of the time after a few months and sometimes 4 years.

 

If you feel comfortable with the guy/ girl. Can be yourself and all. Why break up? I mean, you'll probably will get the same things over and over again. People are addicted to the butterflies and think thats the most important thing, but they turn into loving someone deeply.

 

I've got a whole article about this, but it's in dutch and there are too many words I can't translate ^^:. Have you made a list of good and bad things? You can work on feelings. Trying to surprise eachother and all.

 

Well good luck anyway, hope you'll think it through. It's normal that when you meet someone else that you're thinking it would be better to break off. That's the love of butterflies...

[Rooster_DAR]

I will have to agree with Joyvke completely. Sounds like you have a good thing, but just lost the tools and motivation to keep it alive. The fact that you mentioned another man is also an issue, sounds to me like you don't have your priorities straight and that you (and your ex) are not working on your relationship. Did you start having these feelings after or before U met the O/M?

 

Ask yourself two things:

Can I live without my current B/F forever?

Can I live with my B/F forever?

 

Good luck, you don't know what you got until it's gone.

 

[Beee]

Rooster,

 

I do ask myself those questions and the answer varies according to the day. This morning I woke up and thought, maybe we can work things out, amybe they can be the wonderful, happy relationship we both want....

But other days I just feel I have given it all I have... for many years I have done the fixing and the supporting and I sometimes feel I have run out of steam.

 

A friend said, a relationship which "is meant to be" doesn require as much work as I've had to put into this one... is that true? If you love someone, shouldn't whats importat to you aslo be important to them?

 

This other person I have mentioned is a dear friend who I've know for years... he seems to put my needs and priorities first... is this not how a loveing relationship should work? Should they not be my number one and they mine?

 

but thanks for your words, they have given me food for thought

[Josalina]

you can't, end off.

someone will always get hurt in a break up, but the bottom line is if you arent happy, get out of it, dont make it worse for your bloke as i feel you you may end up stringing him along without realising, if you have something special with someone else, come clean, do not make your partner suffer by thinking he is with someone who loves him. u may say u do, but to be honest it sounds like do u love him, but your not in love with him.

if u care that much u will work it out, but if u dont let it be, it will be alright in the end if its not alright its not the end.

take care.

[Rooster_DAR]

Rooster,

A friend said, a relationship which "is meant to be" does not require as much work as I've had to put into this one... is that true? If you love someone, shouldn't whats importat to you aslo be important to them?

 

This other person I have mentioned is a dear friend who I've know for years... he seems to put my needs and priorities first... is this not how a loveing relationship should work? Should they not be my number one and they mine?

 

First of all hopefully I interpreted your statement correctly, when your friend said a "relationship is meant to be" and should "not require" work is completely incorrect and is in for a big shock. However, you stated "Doesn't require as much work as I've had to put" may hold some validity. I don't know you're whole story, but I can tell you that relationships are very complex and they require work from both parties.

 

Also, your friend who is a quote "Dear friend for years" has probably had the hots for you "For Years" and will do what he needs to bag you as a partner. I'm not saying that's the case, but it certainly is very likely. He may be putting your priorities first simply because that's what he needs to do to win you over. Give it a few years from now with your new "Dear Friend", and I bet you will find yourself reliving the same scenario again should you decide to shack up.

 

You should really consider cutting off this "Dear Friend" for a while, and give your relationship one more try with some serious effort. If your problems cannot be resolved, make sure you S/O understands why and then pursue leaving the relationship.

 

Roost

[alphamale]

How do you do it gently to cause the least damage

you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved...

[Pyro]

you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved...

 

Are you serious?

 

That is very immature and spineless IMHO. I think that for knowing this guy and being involved with him for 8 years, she owes him a little more then just a disappearing act.

[alphamale]

That is very immature and spineless IMHO.

trust me, in the long run its the easiest way for everyone.

[Pyro]

trust me, in the long run its the easiest way for everyone.

 

I beg to differ on this one. Anyone deserves an explanation on why their relationship is ending.

[swirly27]

Yeah alphamale, I completely disagree with you as well. People get complexes enough when their heart is broken because they are dumped, but with no explanations whatsoever, thats what can cause someone to not be able to let go or get closure sometimes. I know I know that closure sometimes needs to come within yourself, but ending it with someone with no explanation and to just leave, that is just plain CRUEL.

[Rooster_DAR]

you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved...

 

This is a good way out if you have no dignity or are just a big wuss. Confronting somebody with the truth takes more of character than just bailing out. It also leaves the O/P with a little respect for you at least.

 

IMO

[alphamale]

This is a good way out if you have no dignity or are just a big wuss. Confronting somebody with the truth takes more of character than just bailing out.

If the problem(s) are not fixed by the other person after discussing the issue(s) and giving warnings beforehand then there is not reason why I cannot just split without giving and explanation. The reason is already known by the other party.

[Pyro]

If the problem(s) are not fixed by the other person after discussing the issue(s) and giving warnings beforehand then there is not reason why I cannot just split without giving and explanation. The reason is already known by the other party.

 

Even if it has been talked about before, it is still the ADULT thing to do. The easiest way is not the right way.

[alphamale]

Even if it has been talked about before, it is still the ADULT thing to do. The easiest way is not the right way.

Quitting anything "cold turkey" is the hardest way and the best way. If you were older and had more experience you'd know that.

[gfto]

you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved...

 

Right on!!

[mental_traveller]

Quitting anything "cold turkey" is the hardest way and the best way. If you were older and had more experience you'd know that.

 

Interesting - could you explain a bit more? At first glance it seems like giving the reasons would be better, but there must be some reason to go the other way if you are recommending it.

 

For what it's worth, when I tried giving "reasons" for my last breakup, it did no good whatsoever and just kind of encouraged her to hope that if she tried more to change that it might be on again, whereas for me it was 100% finished.

[Pyro]

Quitting anything "cold turkey" is the hardest way and the best way. If you were older and had more experience you'd know that.

 

I really don't think that my age and experience has anything to do with this matter. Plain and simple, if you are going to break-up with someone, especially after being with them for so long, they deserve to know the truth. Try actually loving and caring for an individual and maybe you'll see that its completely wrong to just get up and get out of their life by just a snap of a finger.

[Spinderella]

you just split without telling them anything. never contact or see them again. it works great and in the long run causes the least amount of pain and hassle for everyone involved...

Actually, I partially agree with this.

Of course, you need to tell them that you are ending the relationship. As for explanations, they will never be satisfactory to the other person, and will only prolong the ending. For one thing, the trust is usually shattered, temporarily at least, for the breakupee, and anything you say, will probably not be completely accepted. Perhaps it would be better to explain this. Something along the lines of "Discussing this will only make it more painful for both of us, because I have made my decision and I am not going to change my mind."

However, I also think that crying together and comforting each other can help ease the pain, so long as it does not go on for long, and so long as the other person is being reminded that the decision really is final.

Yes it will impact his lifestyle with his studies, but looking at it more positively, when people break up, and everything else stays the same it leaves a huge gap. Sometimes having to create a whole new lifestyle is one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself to ease the pain.

Good luck with this, it isn't an easy thing to do.

[alphamale]

I really don't think that my age and experience has anything to do with this matter.

of course it does. Since I'm 15 yrs older I've had more relationships and therefore more breakups. This gives me more experience in the matter. And I say that making a clean break is the easiest way for everyone over the long run.

[Pyro]

of course it does. Since I'm 15 yrs older I've had more relationships and therefore more breakups. This gives me more experience in the matter. And I say that making a clean break is the easiest way for everyone over the long run.

 

From what you say about yourself, you don't have any meaningful relationships. If you don't give two shyts about the woman, then do what you got to do, but the OP is referring to someone that they love and care about. That person deserves some sort of explanation. You want to be a coward and just split without explanation, that is fine, but a majority of people would prefer to do the right thing and not the easy thing. Easy does not mean that its right.