lovelylady1234 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 Here's the story. I have a hobby I do on thursday night. My H wasn't crazy about this but we have an agreed upon time I come home. At first I called him on the way home, past few weeks he's been sleeping (he wakes up really early for work) so I haven't called him. Well, tonite I was getting out of the shower, he was sleeping when I went in, and when I walked out of the bathroom, he freaked about my not calling him. He said I was sneaking and a liar. He said I should have known better than that and call him. I tried to express 1) I didn't want to wake him 2) For almost a month I haven't called him upon leaving and he said nothing. Am I crazy or is he? We have been having troubles, but past couple of weeks have been great. Now he is saying I have taken steps back on the reconciliation b/c of this. Confused Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 whats the hobby ? trust issues here , show him proof that you are going for this hobby thing if he still has probs , always call him from next time , sleeping or not ... over time , he will beg you not to call n let him sleep Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 Here's the story. I have a hobby I do on thursday night. My H wasn't crazy about this but we have an agreed upon time I come home. At first I called him on the way home, past few weeks he's been sleeping (he wakes up really early for work) so I haven't called him. Well, tonite I was getting out of the shower, he was sleeping when I went in, and when I walked out of the bathroom, he freaked about my not calling him. He said I was sneaking and a liar. He said I should have known better than that and call him. I tried to express 1) I didn't want to wake him 2) For almost a month I haven't called him upon leaving and he said nothing. Am I crazy or is he? We have been having troubles, but past couple of weeks have been great. Now he is saying I have taken steps back on the reconciliation b/c of this. Confused Ugh, I had a boyfriend who used to act like this. SUPER jealous and insecure. It's really difficult and unfortunately, the more you cater to it, the more jealous and controlling he is likely to be. Why does he think it is OK to accuse you of sneaking and lying? Is there any history of that in your relationship? Does he have any reason to be this insecure? If not, I mean if you are totally innocent, then his jealousy is way out of line. I hope you two are pursuing marriage counseling because this is a difficult thing to handle on your own. Everyone deserves some 'space' within their relationship to pursue their own interestes. You are not doing anything wrong by having a hobby (unless it's illegal or harmful) Good luck. Try to get him to go to MC with you Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95476/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97402/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97402/ For more information, go to the above threads. It will explain that the lovelylady had a crush on someone at her "hobby" event night. Her husband has also been depressed and verbally abusive. After reading the thread, you may have a better idea why he freaked out. The reason for his "freaking out" lies there. Then they have gotten back together....gong good thus far. The last thread will explain that lovelady cheated on her husband...but then boyfriiend...before they were married. He has not forgotten this. LL, he may be a bit crazy, but you probably need to realize that he has a basis for it. Since you did have a crush on someone there and you haven't been getting along, he may have a fear that you are sneaking around on him. No, he may have never found out about this guy til after you told him.But he can never forget that you cheated on him once before. If he was me, I would be paramoind every time you went out at this point. From what I read you told him about the crush and you guys went to MC. Him freaking out now seems to have a basis. This relationship will take time to heal. You come home late and take a shower. He thinks you have been out with someone and are washing off the evidence. You are both young yet...you can work it out. He needs to hear from you where you are, when you are coming home all of the time. He needs to know where you are at every moment of the day. This is the way you will rebuild his trust in you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelylady1234 Posted September 1, 2006 Author Share Posted September 1, 2006 LL, he may be a bit crazy, but you probably need to realize that he has a basis for it. Since you did have a crush on someone there and you haven't been getting along, he may have a fear that you are sneaking around on him. No, he may have never found out about this guy til after you told him.But he can never forget that you cheated on him once before. If he was me, I would be paramoind every time you went out at this point. From what I read you told him about the crush and you guys went to MC. Him freaking out now seems to have a basis. James, you are correct with everything but: We never went to a MC and we reconnected, but I never told him about this crush for two reasons, it never escalated to anything, and this guy has become totally unattractive to me, the crush is over. So I figure why mess up a good thing by telling him something that was mostly in my mind. I think the crush was a result of our problems at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mirage222 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 I'd be pissed too if I was your H! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 My mistake. I thought I read that you sat down and told him everything, but I think you meant your feelings...not your desire for an affair. Still, I can see how he is concerned. My suggestion still is that you should try to make him trust you by telling him every where you go and when you will be home. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Can you clarify.. Were you actually late getting home? Or was it only that you didn't call while on your way home? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Tell me if I'm getting this right. 7 years ago, or longer(?), you cheated on your (then bf) now husband. You've now been married to your husband for 6 years. You have a curfew to be home at a certain time. You were home at the appointed time but hadn't called to say you were on the way home earlier. He accused you of being "sneaking and a liar". He is/was depressed and was verbally abusive. Did you two agree that you would call on the way home? Personally... I think your husband needs a reality check. If it was important to him that you call him every single time, then he needed to bring it up to you in a compassionate way. Not blow his top and start calling you names. Are you supposed to read his mind? How would you know that's important to him? Especially since he needs his sleep, and goes to bed early. And if I were in your shoes. I would stick to my guns on the fact that he needs to verbalize his wants/needs clearly and upfront and in a better manner. If he decided later that he wanted to change his original thoughts on the matter, then HE needed to approach you and explain that he needed those phone calls. Not blow a nut on you because you couldn't read his mind. Yeah you cheated.. and yes you had a crush earlier... but he's contributing to the problems. And I dont' feel you're doing him or you any favors by condoning his behavior. Be compassionate about his insecurities, but if you don't confront him about the way he expresses himself.. well, I think it'll continue to cause decay in the relationship. You two need to find a way to discuss problems before they become critical mass. Or at the very least, a healthier way to express those concerns that don't involve name calling and verbal abuse. Don't allow him to believe that he's justified in attacking you in this way. You can "pay him back" for the prior cheating by being honest, upfront, compassionate and understanding toward him. But ONLY if he's willing to be an adult about problems and work with you intead of against you on it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 No matter HOW late it is, call him. Out of respect and love for him and the marriage. If this was something that was decided, so you can do your hobby, just call. The fact he doesn't trust you 100% because of what happened in the past means you MUST do all to gain back his trust...So, if calling makes him feel better, DO IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelylady1234 Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 thanks for all the advice. I am not saying he was wrong to want me to call him, it was the way he went about it. (BTW, he later apologized, he said he woke up in the middle of the night and when he didn't see me next to him he freaked (assuming I wasn't home yet)and b/c he was sleeping he kind of overreacted). I see his side I just think he went about it wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 If you have agreed to call him then you call him no matter what. It's his problem that he is sleeping. Your job is to keep your promise and stick to the agreement. If you have cheated on your husband and he knows you've had a crush on someone from the hobby place then naturally he is jealous and concerned. The last couple weeks don't change 7 years of troubles. Maybe it's time for you to give up your hobby or... you may have to give up your hubby eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelylady1234 Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 if it ever came down to Hobby VS Hubby. I would have no problem giving it up. He has no idea I had that crush. And that's beyond over now so it will not be an issue. I plan on giving it up anyway as soon as I'm pregnant. Which hopefully will be sooner rather than later. I love my husband immensely and I want to grow old with him. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Is anyone else as curious as I am as to what the "hobby" is? Lovelylady, wilt thou not expound upon the nature of thy business? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 I still want to know if she was late coming home or not?? If he was just pissed she didn't call "on the way" home, or pissed because she was late? Thursdays she does cliff diving.. at night.. in a string bikini. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelylady1234 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 I still want to know if she was late coming home or not?? If he was just pissed she didn't call "on the way" home, or pissed because she was late? Thursdays she does cliff diving.. at night.. in a string bikini. I wasn't late that night. I had been a little late the previous night, but he was sleeping, so he never noticed. He was pissed b/c I didn't call him on the way home. I REALLY think he was PO'D b/c he was sleeping the past few times and couldn't say for sure what time I got home. I am a night owl, so if we wakes up at 2am to pee, I am up and about and it may look like I just got home. I am not trying to be evasive about my "hobby" I was actually leaving it off due to confidentiality, but since it's causing intruigue. I sing in a band. HTH Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 We'll keep your secret. Oh well, I liked the cliffdiving image better! I can see your point. When I wake up in the middle of the night and my wife is up, I always wonder why. She is usually reading or something, but I am thinking like why now? Probably because she can't sleep...duh. Anywho, a band. Playing in nightclubs? With guys who drink and may be looking? See, I just let MY mind imagine the worst. And seeing that you had a crush on someone in your band...which is better he doesn't know about. And seeing that this would disrupt your life...I can understand his view. On the other hand, this is important to you. I would not so quickly give it up. Has he come and watched you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovelylady1234 Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 We'll keep your secret. Oh well, I liked the cliffdiving image better! On the other hand, this is important to you. I would not so quickly give it up. Has he come and watched you? I was worried that he may happen upon this site and could tell it was me due to the circumstances. But anywho, My H was comfortable with things as they were preband. I was a homebody, never went out with friends and the like. That got boring and now with the band I practice 1 night a week. I have only had two gigs, the last one got me home pretty late (2 or 3am). He came to that one for an hour or so. I have told him he can come to any practice, gig, even put a GPS in my car or a camera on my purse to see that I am doing nothing wrong. He doesn't want to come to practice so I don't know what else to do. So I still go and he still worries. I told him that I would quit as soon as I got pregnant (we've been trying since Dec), he wants a baby, but he now seems to be in overdrive due to this. That worries me. I want a family soon too but I enjoy being in the band. Link to post Share on other sites
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