BatteredByLove Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Guys... I hate to say it to you but... you don't "win" an ex back. You can "show" them who you are, and if they want to come back, they will, if they don't they wont. Take me for example, my ex and I broke up in March... 5 months ago. Four months later, she has a boyfriend(makes it a LOT harder if she's going to come back or not). All I can say is be yourself, your ex fell in love with you for a reason, and if ya'll broke up because of insecurities issues, etc, not like her or him cheating on you, chances are, she still loves you. How do I know this? People change, but they will always remember their good times, your ex will remember the good times that they spent with you, now, what I'm doing is pratically killing all my negative attributes. She fell in love with me cause I was sweet, nice, sincere, and honest. She broke up with me because I was insecure... lol. Not with her, but with myself, I never thought I was good enough for her and all that, but sadly after we broke up... guess what popped into my head, "Would she be dating me if she didn't think I was good enough?" Well lesson learned, lol. Guys, just be yourself, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, besides, would you want someone that doesn't accept you for who you really are? Check out the thread on "True Love VS False Love", kinda neat too, but in a way one dude says that if you have to change yourself for someone, would that be a relationship you want to be in? I mean I'm changing myself for the BETTER, not changing myself as a person, I'm not insecure, not needy, not clingy, and I cuss a lot less(my ex noticed that lol). Now she's with another guy and although I still love her with all my heart, she's taken, now how do I go into "winning" her back? I don't. I just be myself, if she sees it in me, good, then maybe we can start again, if she doesn't, then, hell, I'm a better person anyway . Win-Win situation if you ask me. Don't go around moping and groaning about them being gone, do what you SHOULD be doing, live life(I know I contradict myself because I still moan and groan about her being gone, but I'm doing better, a LOT better). I think in a way, I have it lucky... in a way not so lucky. You see, my ex and I still talk, and we still care about each other a lot... (she just doesn't show it much), but she has another bf, I guess in a way I get to see her everyday, let her see how much I've changed for the better. I have a new warddrobe, I always have a smile on my face, pratically just being myself. So really... the best way to "win" your ex back, is to do what you do best, be yourself. If they want to come back, they will, if they don't, they won't. Simple as that. Me, I'm just seeing what's going to happen around the corner; if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.... I think this is a bit of me ranting, sorry guys lol. -BBL Link to post Share on other sites
LaraV Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Well, BBL, I certainly admire your desire and ability to still be able to talk to her. That is just tooooo much for me. I think that would just kill me. But if you can, then, the more power ta ya! (But I'm certainly glad you're doing better!) Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 BBL, that`s sound advice. They tell us that at the beginning when you meet your future girlfriend. You ask your mates, what do I do on the first date? What do I say? Your friends tell you "Just be yourself". The thing is BBL. Your girlfriend left you because she doesn`t like the way you are! Just be yourself!? Crumbs, tell us something we don`t know. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 First of all i have been drinking... so my spelling may be a little off:) I disaree with UKWiz:) In relationships... people fall in love with who you are when you first get to know each other...after time... depending on your situation.... things can change... in my case ... I let life take over me instead of taking control of life... I instead of being the man... became a beta male.. and leant on my wife... for to long.... so she up and left me.... she could not reley on me being there for her as the solid man she had fallen in love with.... point being.... showing your ex... that you have changed can possibly make a difference... but they have to be real changes... I have truely learnt that.... becoming the person I had become was very unattractive to my spouse..... If you can figure out why you changed and can fix why! You may have a chance to reconcile... but once again... there are no gaurntees????? See been drinking:laugh: You cannot control or predict how another human being will react.... but once again.... it never hearts to have a little hope... until that hope is swashed.. We men can only and should only take so much.... I am not in your situation and you are not in mine.... we can only express so much on here... you can only gage how it is going being on ground zero;) good luck... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Just like I said ilmw, and I ll quote you too, I have truely learnt that.... becoming the person I had become You`re just still being yourself! She still left you, because you are, well you!! Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Just like I said ilmw, and I ll quote you too, You`re just still being yourself! She still left you, because you are, well you!! Not who she fell in love with.... but who you changed into... it happend when you let your past or life... like your past demons or.... grown up stuff take over... ie... bills... overly worrying about the future...kids... the job.... keeping up with the joneses..?? Mainly... losing your centre... and becoming needy.... big relationship killer:lmao: Trust me... it happened to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Hey, ilmw. I don`t think you get what BBL is talkiing about. He`s talking about NOT having to change. Just be yourself. He`s not talking about someone falling in love with you, or how they first fell for you. He`s talking about someone who left! What he said was, So really... the best way to "win" your ex back, is to do what you do best, be yourself. BBL is saying you shouldn`t have to change for anyone. The things you say about, like your past demons or.... grown up stuff take over... ie... bills... overly worrying about the future...kids... the job.... keeping up with the joneses.. Is still part of who you are, but I disagree about talking about the future, kids, and the job. That has nothing to do with who you are, and your personnality. Like I said. If they don`t like you for who you are, they will never come back. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Hey, ilmw. I don`t think you get what BBL is talkiing about. He`s talking about NOT having to change. Just be yourself. He`s not talking about someone falling in love with you, or how they first fell for you. He`s talking about someone who left! What he said was, BBL is saying you shouldn`t have to change for anyone. The things you say about, Is still part of who you are, but I disagree about talking about the future, kids, and the job. That has nothing to do with who you are, and your personnality. Like I said. If they don`t like you for who you are, they will never come back. I should learn to not have a couple before I post ( you would never believe how long it took to typw this:laugh: )...!!!!hahahaha Thought I got the point... but point conceded:) True.... if she finds out she does not actually like you... your F$cked:laugh: End of story:p BTW... I'm not fit to debate tonight:confused: hahdhahhah:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Ilmw, I hope you are okay. It sounds like you must be in a bad place. I was like that around 10 months ago when my ex left. I started posting here when I was drunk too! I sort of new what you meant, but I think you kind of got lost in the wrong direction. I think what you where talking about was the beginning. BBL is talking about the end. I believe he is on about relationships that have recently finished. I mean he split up with his ex around 5 months ago. He`s hoping not to change, and just be himself to win someone back. He`s correct here, but also wrong in sopme respects too. Why? well because whatever reason it was. It was YOU they left, so just being yourself sometimes doesn`t cut it. If they dont like you then they willl leave. Period! Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Ilmw, I hope you are okay. It sounds like you must be in a bad place. I was like that around 10 months ago when my ex left. I started posting here when I was drunk too! I sort of new what you meant, but I think you kind of got lost in the wrong direction. I think what you where talking about was the beginning. BBL is talking about the end. I believe he is on about relationships that have recently finished. I mean he split up with his ex around 5 months ago. He`s hoping not to change, and just be himself to win someone back. He`s correct here, but also wrong in sopme respects too. Why? well because whatever reason it was. It was YOU they left, so just being yourself sometimes doesn`t cut it. If they dont like you then they willl leave. Period! No just just been drinking tonigh to pass the time.... long weekend and all my friends are busy gone away and all that stuff.... not hiding in the closet drinking:laugh: I dont normally post when I have been drinking... have not allowed myself to sink that low... but tonigh I'm good;) Just relaxing.... but oooops had one 2 many:laugh: ... hay taking away from the original post.... shhhhhhhh:) ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author BatteredByLove Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 LaraV, yep, it is hard talking to her knowing that she's with some other guy, but I care about this girl, and if it means me having to deal with the fact she's taken, heh, that's life. UKWizard, she left me for me, yep, true that lol. When someone dates you, they want to be with you because of that certain attributes that you have..., that doesn't change. Well lucky for me, my ex didn't "fall out of love" with me, we split up because of insecurities. This is where I talk about the "false love vs true love" thingamabob thread lol. I mean I actually do LOVE this girl with all my heart, but, that got me thinking, if it's true love... why am I having insecurities? Well, that's another story lol. But back to the point, I mean I'm NOT changing myself as a person, I'm NOT going to do stuff that she likes, what I AM doing is pratically, growing up, maturing. I'm not needy or clingy or insecure, and I would say, that's a good change, not changing me for who I am, changing me for who I want to be. If my ex wants to come back, hehe, thank the lord, if she doesn't, well, I'm a better person in the end. ILMW, yep, you have had a lot to drink lol, but I get your point. The thing with having your past deal with your present, god, that's a dark horse. Sometimes we just have to realize that this is the present, and moaning and groaning about the past will do what? I mean, the best thing it can do is.... waste time? I don't know who quoted this, but, "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow might not come, live today", or somehow like that lol. BTW, you don't have to change yourself, i.e. different personality, attitude, etc, to be with a person, that's just living a lie, do you want to live a lie for the rest of your life? I hope not, simply put, be yourself. -BBL Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 BTW, you don't have to change yourself, i.e. different personality, attitude, etc, to be with a person, that's just living a lie, do you want to live a lie for the rest of your life? I hope not, simply put, be yourself. -BBL I agree.... I think what I was trying to express last night:o was ... She fell in love with you.... at that time... you were being you... when you let lifes pressures change you... ( becoming moody... grumpy... etc) you changed for the worse.... What I was trying to say is.... change back to the real happy you... and learn to stay that way... life is to short to be in a bad mood all the time.... Link to post Share on other sites
thecount Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 The thing here is that when people first meet. they do not meet the real person. People are on thier best behavior. It takes time to know who you are with. Falling in love is easy--Loving someone for who they are is a different story. People don't change. You can not change who you really are. It doesn't work. an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. They just stay away from liqure. You have to stay away from this girl. You have to ask yourself "why am I so insecure"? "what has made me insecure or irratable or whatever behavior you may have that drives people away. Sometimes it's the way that person makes you feel, and not necessarily you. You just may need to stay away. I think it's wrong for you to keep contact with her. It's a bad, bad idea. you don't know if the guy she's seeing is going to react in a unstable manner. Too many screwd up people out there. She can just keep you holding on for safe keeping. If she really wanted to be with you. Don't you think she would have come back already. There wouldn't be another guy. Does she love this guy? If she does, dont' you think that it's wrong for her to keep in contact with you? Don't you think taht she'll do the same to you? chances are... She will--probably with this guy. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
missdeathwish Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I have the same problem. I'm in love with a guy. But he did something verybad and is now in love with another woman, who he is seeing. I haven't spoken to him in months, I think it'd be too hard. I'm moving to Korea (you all know that if you've been reading). I really want him back. (Yes, I do. Probably not now, since he's taken, etc.) It's hopeless, I know, but I still would rather not feel helpless. I'm acting like I've moved on, but I haven't. While I realize that staying in love is a defense mechanism as much as it is a sad fact of life (if I'm in love with him, I can't fall in love with someone else and get hurt again), it doesn't change the fact that I love the guy and want to be with him. I don't know if NC is helping or hurting my cause. I don't know if moving is helping or hurting. Of course, this is just one aspect of my life, and I know that. But it's something that is significant to me. I've been thinking it through, talking it through. I'm getting stronger, but no less in love, and no less hurt. Part of me wants to tell him, but I know that is probably a very bad idea. I guess I'm trying to just live my life as best as I can. I wish it had the side effect of getting him back, but it doesn't. I'm still missing him. I'm just doing it far away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BatteredByLove Posted September 4, 2006 Author Share Posted September 4, 2006 Been there... done that... still doing lol. NC does help... It gets better, believe me, I thought that NC wouldn't do jack, but the main aspect of NC is for us to take a step back and take a overview of the situation, and in return, help us heal. NC is usually for us to heal, others use it to "win" their ex back, and in the end if they don't come back, we're already on the healing process . Love hurts... I guess I'm at the "puppy love" stage since im 17... but it feels so real.... *sigh*, I hate being a teenager. Then again, 1 more month and I'm 18.... Let's hope that helps a bit lol. -BBL Link to post Share on other sites
BannaBee57 Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Thecount, I have to say that I disagree with you when you say that "people don't change". If you want to change/improve something about yourself that you do not like then you can do that...if you work at it. You may not be able to change someone, but if someone wants to change for themselves then why would you not support that? This is a superficial example, but what about people that have spent their whole lives as couch potatos and became overweight and unhealthy but then decided to make a change for themselves. They become active, exercise, eat well and then become a total health nut? I'm just using this example because this happened to a friend of mine who went veggie. He still eats junk now and then but doesn't take it overboard because he has changed his mentality about food and very much values his improved physique. I hardly recognise him today. He looks different but also acts different and had all new interests and friends by way of his new lifestyle. Isn't this changing youself, not just physicaly but mentally and personality wise as well? Link to post Share on other sites
GB111 Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 If she doesn't like you the way you are, why do you want to be with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BatteredByLove Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 If she doesn't like you the way you are, why do you want to be with her? I've asked myself that question 10000000000000000000000000x, and yet... I'm still here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Prettyinblack Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 I hafta reply to this one, guys.......I read something interesting last week and it really struck home with me. It said that you had better like the person they are before you fall in love them, like their habits, who they hang with, lifestyle, etc. Romantic love, you know, that intoxicating feeling we all get when a new relationship begins when we have found 'the one', or our 'other half', etc.....well that only lasts, maybe, if you're lucky, about 18 - 24 months.....we can't sustain it as human beings longer than that!!! Can you imagine.??.......no-one would get any sleep for the wild sex, we'd all agree to whatever because we are so darn happy! , and the world would always be 'beautiful and kind'. (I'm humming What a Wonderful World[ by Louis Armstrong). But reality has to set in.... So, back to the article......... then after the first haze of 'love' wears off, people go exactly back to 'who' they were before the relationship....if they were lazy, they revert back, if they're a cheater, they cheat, if they only shower on Tuesdays and Fridays....you get the idea.... lolololo. Gawd, if we knew our exes with the bad breath, messy house, and dirty laundry, would we fall in love?????? Would we...dunno about me.... Anyways, it took my ex 1 year to take me to his house......(HELLO, Tracey?????anyone in there?) SO, i get there and I sit on the ONLY stool in the kitchen(because it's all music gear and the living room is a studio), and I look about and he is laughing and I say "gotta match?" and then laugh hysterically.....OMG.........what we overlook in the name of love.....well, he has returned to the same man he was then.....it was only a matter of time...but, love is blind. Then I was thinking......."Wow....this is Kewllllllll...." (how mature). I forgot to realize that once the first blush of that 'love' feeling starts to fade and real life sets in, I'd be irritated that there was only ONE stool in the kitchen and no room for my shampoo under the sink, if I had to spend any real time there. So, I really don't know what the morale of this story is, however, I thought that the article was good and it made me think and laugh....and I still love my ex in spite of the chair. Link to post Share on other sites
thecount Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 when people change, it's only temprorary or they fixate themselves in something else. That's just the way it is. I know this because I'm still in a relationship where my g/f just lies. They are small lies, but yet she lies. and I've told her to cut it out or I'm out of there. So she would stop, but only for a little while. And I need to change too, So I would put my foot down and say that's it, I'm done I'm outta here. next thing you know, i'm right back with her. How the hell did that happend? I've delt with drug abuse, where a friend of mine almost died. He changed, that habbit, he still has an addiction. it's not the same addiction. He just turned it to something a little more constructive. is that really change? no it's not. All he did is change the addiction. The same personality is still there. That didn't change. He can fall into that bad habbit at anytime again. You can't change for the sake of someone else. it doesn't work. All you can do is focus on something else, or in your case someone else other then this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Just2Cute1972 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 I hafta reply to this one, guys.......I read something interesting last week and it really struck home with me. It said that you had better like the person they are before you fall in love them, like their habits, who they hang with, lifestyle, etc. Romantic love, you know, that intoxicating feeling we all get when a new relationship begins when we have found 'the one', or our 'other half', etc.....well that only lasts, maybe, if you're lucky, about 18 - 24 months.....we can't sustain it as human beings longer than that!!! Can you imagine.??.......no-one would get any sleep for the wild sex, we'd all agree to whatever because we are so darn happy! , and the world would always be 'beautiful and kind'. (I'm humming What a Wonderful World[ by Louis Armstrong). But reality has to set in.... So, back to the article......... then after the first haze of 'love' wears off, people go exactly back to 'who' they were before the relationship....if they were lazy, they revert back, if they're a cheater, they cheat, if they only shower on Tuesdays and Fridays....you get the idea.... lolololo. Gawd, if we knew our exes with the bad breath, messy house, and dirty laundry, would we fall in love?????? Would we...dunno about me.... Anyways, it took my ex 1 year to take me to his house......(HELLO, Tracey?????anyone in there?) SO, i get there and I sit on the ONLY stool in the kitchen(because it's all music gear and the living room is a studio), and I look about and he is laughing and I say "gotta match?" and then laugh hysterically.....OMG.........what we overlook in the name of love.....well, he has returned to the same man he was then.....it was only a matter of time...but, love is blind. Then I was thinking......."Wow....this is Kewllllllll...." (how mature). I forgot to realize that once the first blush of that 'love' feeling starts to fade and real life sets in, I'd be irritated that there was only ONE stool in the kitchen and no room for my shampoo under the sink, if I had to spend any real time there. So, I really don't know what the morale of this story is, however, I thought that the article was good and it made me think and laugh....and I still love my ex in spite of the chair. You know that is SO true. God, soo soo true. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 Yup, that's why it's important to remember the person you fell in love with if you are having trouble in your relationships. Chances are, they are still the same person with a few added responsibilites to their life. Excellent post! roost Link to post Share on other sites
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