Bs And Ow's

[RealityCheck]

Okay! I have not been here in a while!

 

I have read the views of my OW friends and yes! Can even say I have taken flight to actually meeting MO face to face! She is super charismatic, energetic, intelligent, witty, classy and; gorgeous!

And: I am 100% sure that all my other OW friends are very much the same! We have shared pics, our pain, our laughter, our careers, our dreams, our life's walk and petty much everything ood friends share!

 

I have now sat back and read the new stories of the OW's who have come to this Forum for support in their pain. Believe me! When I read your stories, I revert to a time of pain! I too, felt absolutely everything ya all are going through!

 

I have had my ass kicked in this Forum, but have stood my ground by BS and have had tremendous support from the OW's. They may not have agreed with me at times in my thinking, but have supported me nonetheless!

 

this is, I have walked on both sides of the fence. I have been a BS and an OW. I have made it quite clear that I have also shared in the pain as a BS.

 

What is worse? NEITHER! Each side has equally the same pain! Not the same reasons, but the SAME PAIN!

 

It is all about loving someone with all your heart and believing in a future of togetherness! That is the REALITY!

 

Now, for those BS who have suffered the pain of adultery. For the mistake of their spouses cheating of a time or so, that's forgivable! But! For those who have experienced their spouses in an affair for a length of time, COME ON! That's a RELATIONSHIP! WAKE UP! A spouse who has committed infidelity for a year or more is something NOT worth fight for! Why? why would you want to put yourself through the constant suspicion! To believe in TRUE LOVE, is hypicrital to the mind space of suspision. As I recall the VOW...Love is not jealous, needy suspicious etc.... This is clearly not for the VOW or COMMINTMENT sake! Then of course, we hear....the reason is for the sake of the kids! Truth is, kids grow and KNOW the lack of love between the parents. I certainly would not want to set that standard for my children! I love my childern with all of my heart, and would never want them to settle because that is what I taught them to do! Let's talk finances. There is ALWAYS A WAY! This of course depends on the neediness of the "Self". Could it be the "material" world is what you set your "Own" standard of self worth. What you have set yourself to accustomed to living? Well, I would think that my "Self Worth" is more than the house I live in and the car I drive! Bills? Well, perhaps living within one's means is something that needs to be considered. And; we all KNOW money can't buy happiness!

 

Staying in a marriage with someone who has had long term infidelity, certainly needs self rediscovery! I don't know how anyone would want to live in a relationship where the mind and heart would be focused on anything but REAL LOVE! Lack of control, weaknes, money, children and neediness are all things that do not warrant "Self Worth".

 

The MM has crossed the line! WHY would anyone want to sacrifice all of their own self worth for a Man who does not value that in you!

 

*****

 

In the world of an OW, Oh! Boy! How exciting! He gives you all of himself! Without all the daily responsibility bull****! So how can we truly evaluate the Man! How wonderful we feel when he tells us how sex, smart and wonderful we are! How he would love to spend his life with just little o'l me! That he has never loved anyone more than what he tells me! No one has ever made him feel the way I do physically or emotionally! He tells us of how misserable he is at home! How his wife does not fulfill his needs! No passion primarily! No communcation! Bla...bla...bla....

BUT! HE STAYS! Stays for the kids! For financial reasons! For all those reasons but "LOVE"!. Yet, he says "he loves me!"

Well, REALITY is, if this Man is searching for love and claims to have found it with me, AND STILL is not willing to leave his wife for me, WHAT then is his REALITY? Simple TRUTH! The OW is the fantasy that pacifies his reality at home. HE HAS IT ALL!

 

He truly is the coward, the snake, the predator! The person who has spiritually taken YOUR POWER!

 

THINK!

 

I wish you all the strength and love within yourselves to discover your own POWER and create a TRUE LOVE REALITY!

[UnknowingOW]

Nice to see you stranger!

 

Well Said!

[Walking away]

Hugs, hugs, hugs, RC!

 

Love ya

 

WA

[RealityCheck]

UNW.....

 

WA......

 

Much love back at ya!

 

Couldn't help the spell check here.

 

LS doesn't give a whole lota time when a post is long!

 

Muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:love: :love: :love: :love:

[movinon05]

Well thank you RC!! You have described my thoughts about you to a T and may I also add FUN FUN FUN!! I've never known anyone more in tune with their life and purpose than you.

 

I speak now to the BS and OWs as you have. While I have been an OW and not a BS, RC is absolutely right with regard to the pain for both and the ultimate love we seek in our lives.

 

While I do not think all MM are snakes or predators, as one will make mistakes in their life and can be forgiven, those that keep up As for extended periods could very well be classified as such. It took me a very long time to learn this and it is why I hope you will take from our mistakes and learn.

 

When you continue in these As, you give over your power to the OM/OW. And you give up so much of yourself in the name of love. You lose your identity and your pride for something that will never fulfill you. It will keep you down as long as you allow it.

 

Having come out the other side, I can honestly say that I now know what it is I seek and will settle for nothing less.

 

Take a moment and think about what RC has referred to:

 

"Love is patient; love is kind

and envies no one.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;

never selfish, nor quick to take offense.

There is nothing love cannot face;

there is no limit to its faith,

its hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things

that last forever: faith, hope, and love;

but the greatest of them all is love.”

 

Can you imagine what your life would be like if you were to find Love in all its purity? I have and I do. And I have taken back my power and opened up my heart to that possibility.

 

For those of you who are struggling, take a chance for a better life.

 

Say to yourself:

 

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

It is my hope you will reach out, dig deep, find your strength, and move on.

[RealityCheck]

Well thank you RC!! You have described my thoughts about you to a T and may I also add FUN FUN FUN!! I've never known anyone more in tune with their life and purpose than you.

 

I speak now to the BS and OWs as you have. While I have been an OW and not a BS, RC is absolutely right with regard to the pain for both and the ultimate love we seek in our lives.

 

While I do not think all MM are snakes or predators, as one will make mistakes in their life and can be forgiven, those that keep up As for extended periods could very well be classified as such. It took me a very long time to learn this and it is why I hope you will take from our mistakes and learn.

 

When you continue in these As, you give over your power to the OM/OW. And you give up so much of yourself in the name of love. You lose your identity and your pride for something that will never fulfill you. It will keep you down as long as you allow it.

 

Having come out the other side, I can honestly say that I now know what it is I seek and will settle for nothing less.

 

Take a moment and think about what RC has referred to:

 

"Love is patient; love is kind

and envies no one.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;

never selfish, nor quick to take offense.

There is nothing love cannot face;

there is no limit to its faith,

its hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things

that last forever: faith, hope, and love;

but the greatest of them all is love.”

 

Can you imagine what your life would be like if you were to find Love in all its purity? I have and I do. And I have taken back my power and opened up my heart to that possibility.

 

For those of you who are struggling, take a chance for a better life.

 

Say to yourself:

 

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

It is my hope you will reach out, dig deep, find your strength, and move on.

 

Class! Class! Class!

 

Keeping it simple and in TRUTH!

[Walking away]

Well said.

 

I agree 100% with everything you have said.

 

Everyone needs to DARE to dream of a better future. It is not the nature of love to be emotionally torn apart, no matter what side of the fence you sit.

 

Pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. To the OW out there in pain...and to the BS out there who is tearing her/himself up inside....listen to yourself. Pick YOU.

 

Choose yourself. Choose to dare to dream of a better future.

 

Take a chance. Choose the healthy choice for you, your children, your families....

 

Stay or go....choose the path that enables healing.....

 

Peace to you all

 

WA

[Blind Illusion]

I don't want to take away from your message here but I did want to say that I think its great that you & MO actually met & had a great time together.

[RealityCheck]

I don't want to take away from your message here but I did want to say that I think its great that you & MO actually met & had a great time together.

 

Thanks BI!!!

 

Miss you!

 

We did have great times!

 

*HUGS*

[sylviaguardian]

I don't mean to sound like a raving BS here...but how can you say the pain of the BS and the OW is the same? The OW knows the MM is married, the BS generally has no idea he has a girlfriend!

 

I have to say from my own situation, a lot of the pain I felt came from the fact that I saw even a person you thought truly loved you could **** you over and lie to your face. Surely that's not the same as knowing what is going on?

[RealityCheck]

I don't mean to sound like a raving BS here...but how can you say the pain of the BS and the OW is the same? The OW knows the MM is married, the BS generally has no idea he has a girlfriend!

 

I have to say from my own situation, a lot of the pain I felt came from the fact that I saw even a person you thought truly loved you could **** you over and lie to your face. Surely that's not the same as knowing what is going on?

 

I can say it quite easily matter of factly.

 

I've been on both sides. Have you?

 

Knowing or not knowing does not change the matters of the heart.

 

Again, the reasons are different but the pain is the same.

[sylviaguardian]

I can say it quite easily matter of factly.

 

I've been on both sides. Have you?

 

Knowing or not knowing does not change the matters of the heart.

 

Again, the reasons are different but the pain is the same.

 

Well I guess I'll just have to take your word for it. I've been the BS, not the WS. But there again I can't imagine being a total emotional wreck, feeling suicidal and neglecting my kids over a fling with a MM either.

[RealityCheck]

Well I guess I'll just have to take your word for it. I've been the BS, not the WS. But there again I can't imagine being a total emotional wreck, feeling suicidal and neglecting my kids over a fling with a MM either.

 

SG...

 

Well, some have. Believe it!

[sylviaguardian]

does being with a MM make you lost faith in people?

[RealityCheck]

does being with a MM make you lost faith in people?

 

SG,

 

No matter what has come my way in life in weathering any storm, has NEVER made me loose faith in myself. And; that is what truly matters.

 

So in answer to your question NO.

[NoIDidn't]

SG

 

I agree with you that the pain is NOT the same. The OW did not vow to spend a life with the MM. But I can see how RC and the other OWs here would say that. I have known many OWs in my life who have lost faith in people b/c of empty promises they believed coming from a MM. I have seen countless heartache on both sides of the infidelity fence.

 

I might actually say that the OW pain maybe greater b/c people will tell her to get over it as she was a volunteer to the situation, unlike the BW. The OW now has her reputation sullied, her motives challenged, you name it. But mostly, the OW has to suffer mostly alone. The OW will likely get NO support through her pain, but the BW will.

 

But the pain is still NOT the same. A BW sees her life and dreams flash b4 her eyes when she learns of her WH betrayal. But OW may very likely blame herself (along with the rest of society) for even getting involved and try to act like its no big deal.

 

To say that the pain is the same is to assume that both parties feel the exact same feelings. Not true. While pain is pain is pain is pain, the differing positions of the women involved definitely makes this pain ... different.

 

And, for the record, I am a recovering BW.

[UnknowingOW]

The pain is the exactly the same.

 

I have been in both.

 

As most know, my xMM did not tell me he was married. I was already in love with him when I found out the truth.

 

We had been planing a future together. My dreams were smashed, my trust destroyed.

 

And I walked away knowing he was married.

 

But the pain I felt was EXACTLY like the pain I felt when I learn of my XH other life....EXACTLY.

[RealityCheck]

SG

 

I agree with you that the pain is NOT the same. The OW did not vow to spend a life with the MM. But I can see how RC and the other OWs here would say that. I have known many OWs in my life who have lost faith in people b/c of empty promises they believed coming from a MM. I have seen countless heartache on both sides of the infidelity fence.

 

I might actually say that the OW pain maybe greater b/c people will tell her to get over it as she was a volunteer to the situation, unlike the BW. The OW now has her reputation sullied, her motives challenged, you name it. But mostly, the OW has to suffer mostly alone. The OW will likely get NO support through her pain, but the BW will.

 

But the pain is still NOT the same. A BW sees her life and dreams flash b4 her eyes when she learns of her WH betrayal. But OW may very likely blame herself (along with the rest of society) for even getting involved and try to act like its no big deal.

 

To say that the pain is the same is to assume that both parties feel the exact same feelings. Not true. While pain is pain is pain is pain, the differing positions of the women involved definitely makes this pain ... different.

 

And, for the record, I am a recovering BW.

 

Well, I guess I can impose the same question to you.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence. Have you??

 

I am not making this thread out to be a competition in pain because that was not my point. You have stated some valid reasons of pain for OW's, but it is not the case of all OW's. In my case, promises were NEVER made so no, I was not hurting over empty promises. I did share my A with close friends and family, so I did have many great people to talk too. And; Yes! I got plenty of support when I ended my A! Plenty! The OW, does share in hopes and dreams as the BS, so that is a false statement. I can't say I blamed myself, but I will say that I was not proud of my involvement. I don't participate in the blame game whether it be with the exH, MM, other people or myself. No point! Involvement is involvement. It is about choice, but I certainly am not going to beat myself up over it, all I can do is learn from it.

 

My pain was the love I felt in my heart and that is where most of the pain comes from. Yes! you are correct! Pain, is pain is pain is pain.

[movinon05]

Well I guess I'll just have to take your word for it. I've been the BS, not the WS. But there again I can't imagine being a total emotional wreck, feeling suicidal and neglecting my kids over a fling with a MM either.

 

This is exactly how I felt when I realized I was in love with exMM and when I thought I had lost him in the middle of the 7 yrs. My love for him was that deep. But I did learn to never allow anyone to have that much control over my own happiness and my children's happiness ever ever again. And I would feel the same if I was married to someone who did this.

[lover's rock]

Well I think that it depends on how the OW became the OW. If the OW did not know he was married but found out and left or even if she found out and stayed based on promises...that I would say might be similar to a BS's pain.

 

However, if the OW knew from the get go that the man was married and got involved anyhow...or the MM told the OW that he wasn't leaving his wife, and the OW chose to stay in the situation anyway (there are some people like that...I know first hand)...then their pain is not the same as the BS's pain because of the OW's choice of self-inflicted pain. OW who had no choice can be compared I think. OW who did have a choice and chose to stay in a dead end and morally detrimental situation cannot be compared.

 

The BS (or spouse, if you will) has a marriage duty to bear the pain inflicted on her by the other human being she's chosen to be in close proximity with. Maybe she can choose to leave that pain behind...but if she doesn't, that means she working towards reconciliation.

 

An OW who knows there is no future but hopes towards one anyway is working towards nothing.

 

(please don't take this post as bashing...just giving an opinion)

[movinon05]

Then again, if the MM has passionately promised to be with the OW for the rest of their lives and made the OW believe it, the pain is still real, self-inflicted or not. You really can't tell a heart what to feel.

 

But I can say, the pain stops when an OW CHOOSES to learn from the mistakes and CHOOSES to make her life better.

[RealityCheck]

I would also like to add one very important fact....

 

That it is not necessarily the situation but a person's pain threshold tolerance.

 

Everyone is unique in that respect.

 

People can have their views of their own pain, and it should be validated no matter what the cause!

 

I don't judge it one way or the other. I can only speak from my own experience as others have as well.

 

And; I do not speak from something I have not experienced.

 

So it is not a competition of pain. That is just ridiculous to even go there!

[mopar crazy]

I have been the OW and the BW. I know what pain it caused me. I was the OW for a couple years, and I was M to my H of 11 years b4 he had his short term A w/ the xOW. The pain I felt as the BW was so much worse than an OW. I did have pain as the OW, but not near as much as the BW. I know it's not the same for everyone, just know how it felt for me.

[BenThereDunThat]

Well said.

 

I agree 100% with everything you have said.

 

Everyone needs to DARE to dream of a better future. It is not the nature of love to be emotionally torn apart, no matter what side of the fence you sit.

 

Pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. To the OW out there in pain...and to the BS out there who is tearing her/himself up inside....listen to yourself. Pick YOU.

 

Choose yourself. Choose to dare to dream of a better future.

 

Take a chance. Choose the healthy choice for you, your children, your families....

 

Stay or go....choose the path that enables healing.....

 

Peace to you all

 

WA

 

EXCELLENT post WA...I can't add a thing to it.

[movinon05]

I have been the OW and the BW. I know what pain it caused me. I was the OW for a couple years, and I was M to my H of 11 years b4 he had his short term A w/ the xOW. The pain I felt as the BW was so much worse than an OW. I did have pain as the OW, but not near as much as the BW. I know it's not the same for everyone, just know how it felt for me.

 

I don't think this is all about who has more pain. As was said before, pain is pain. I think in the end its what you are going to do about it and what you are willing to live with.