Bs And Ow's

[UnknowingOW]

Owl...it's a no-win for all involved....

[Walking away]

These affairs have horrendous outcomes for all involved, in my opinion.

 

If the spouse finds out about the affair, the pain is excruciating for him/her. If the relationship ends, the OW/OM suffer incalculable pain especially if the WS leaves the affair with strong feelings still intact. If this is not a fling type of affair but a romantic affair, there is suffering all around for all parties involved. It is very difficult to walk away from a relationship when both people still care. In spite of the fact that the relationship is morally or ethically wrong, they still care for each other.

 

I agree with Unknowing....

 

It is a no win for all involved.

 

It would be my wish that no one would suffer the damage from these situations on either side of the fence. It truly is a no win situation.

 

WA

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I'd like to pose a counter-question...

 

If you've been involved with a MM/MW for an extended length of time and they've not left their BS, would that not also mean that they're not worth the OM/OW's effort to fight for as well?

 

I don't see how that would not work both ways.

 

Owl,

 

Yes, this is what I am coming to believe as well. It's taken me a LONG time to understand and accept that a man who doesn't leave his wife is NOT worth fighting for.

 

It is not an easy concept to understand... much less, accept. As human beings, we will try to give reason to every action where there is none. This is particularly exaggerated when it comes to affair, where the parties involved (except for the unknowing OW or BS) deliberately tell lies to create a romantic atmosphere.

 

When I was in love with a MM and he told me that he wouldn't leave his W, I thought that I would be ok with that. I thought that as long as it is ME that he loves.... yada, yada, yada.

 

Now that I'm gaining my senses back, it is RIDICULOUS to be fighting for a man who chooses to stay with another woman. But this is not an easy fact to accept. I have made a million (at least) excuses/reasons for why he should stay with his wife.

 

Now, I think, "Heck, if he should stay with his wife, then maybe I'm not that really into him afterall!":rolleyes:

 

It's taken me almost a year to see this... and I am generally a very pragmatic person!

[BenThereDunThat]

Break ups are hard period. They are heart wrenching and can take a lot of time to grieve. But the break up of a relationship that was an affair carries so many more feelings; and feelings that often go unprocessed because they are not shared with anyone because it was a secret.

 

There is the secret aspect of not being able to freely share with people that you are going through a break up, but all the feelings associated with having been in a secret affair with someone in the first place.

 

People in this situation often feel all kinds of feelings; betrayal, anger, taken advantage of, duped, guilt, sad, and depressed. Also, a break up of an affair can hurt a person's self esteem in a way that another kind of break up wouldn't. People feel the pain of the loss but they also feel upset with themselves and the other person for letting it happen in the first place.

 

People do things that they know they shouldn't do all the time; it's human. We don't really know the emotional consequences until we do something even if we can rhyme off all the reasons why we shouldn't. You couldn't have known what this would mean for you before you did it. You likely felt strongly for this person, felt attached to him over time and emails and conversation, and when two people feel connected it can easily lead to an emotional and sexual relationship. It's human.

 

For whatever reason, he's decided that he's not going to leave his wife, and so by having an affair with you he got the opportunity to relieve whatever he may be feeling about his relationship.

 

He knows that he would never leave his wife, and even if he told you that you wouldn't know that information for certain in the way he did. You likely held out a little hope for the possibility that if you two felt so strongly for one another, surely he would change his mind. That would be reasonable wouldn't it? You may not have thought it consciously but most people realize afterwards that that was what they had hoped for even if in a small way. And being in that position can leave you feeling really rejected, the one who wasn't chosen. It's not like you broke up because you weren't right for one another, you broke up because he chose his wife. This is different than an ordinary break up.

[whichwayisup]

It's not like you broke up because you weren't right for one another, you broke up because he chose his wife. This is different than an ordinary break up.

 

But he was with his wife all along, so in the end, there really was no choice. The MM wasn't really "hers" to begin with seeing as he was already married to someone else.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

It's not like you broke up because you weren't right for one another, you broke up because he chose his wife. This is different than an ordinary break up.

 

Ditto. This is a heartbreaking detail that only OWs can relate to. This is the the kind of fact that keeps grinding in the back of your mind even after you've decided to let go.

 

It is maddening, isn't it? As OWs, the rejection that we have to deal with is so much harder to heal from precises because we know that he loves us... and not his W. We know it and they have expressed it in so many ways. Yet, when it comes down to the final test of love... they fail. They give up. They become afraid. They wouldn't go further. They'd rather 'suffer' than to put their kids and family through 'hell' - as they say.

 

For me to come to an acceptance that my MM and I could never be together was no small feat. I allowed myself to see my MM as MY husband, and myself as his W. And what I saw... was not pleasant.

 

You see, BeenThereDunThat, some men can only express love to women whom they are not married to. The intimacy of a marriage kills the passion in these types of men.

 

My MM would want to continue an affair with me. Unfortunnately, I am not cut out for an affair. I can only love one person at a time. So I choose my H.

 

What my H and I have is a future together.

[BenThereDunThat]

Ditto. This is a heartbreaking detail that only OWs can relate to. This is the the kind of fact that keeps grinding in the back of your mind even after you've decided to let go.

 

It is maddening, isn't it? As OWs, the rejection that we have to deal with is so much harder to heal from precises because we know that he loves us... and not his W. We know it and they have expressed it in so many ways. Yet, when it comes down to the final test of love... they fail. They give up. They become afraid. They wouldn't go further. They'd rather 'suffer' than to put their kids and family through 'hell' - as they say.

 

For me to come to an acceptance that my MM and I could never be together was no small feat. I allowed myself to see my MM as MY husband, and myself as his W. And what I saw... was not pleasant.

 

You see, BeenThereDunThat, some men can only express love to women whom they are not married to. The intimacy of a marriage kills the passion in these types of men.

 

My MM would want to continue an affair with me. Unfortunnately, I am not cut out for an affair. I can only love one person at a time. So I choose my H.

 

What my H and I have is a future together.

 

KHLF -- I agree completely. I am so not cut out for an affair and I can definitely only love one person at a time. I always wondered how on EARTH could my MM compartmentalize it??? It was a very hard lesson to learn, but I learned it; and I feel like I'm better for it.

 

I hated him (the exMM) for a long while, but I can now be friendly with him and even feel a little sorry for him (Okay, maybe A LOT sorry for him).

 

I gotta say, this has been a long, strange trip/journey. I guess I was meant to go on it, I've learned a lot. A lot about myself mostly. So, I guess in that respect, it was worth it.

[RealityCheck]

I'd like to pose a counter-question...

 

RC, you posted:

 

 

Would that not also pertain to the OS's side as well?

 

If you've been involved with a MM/MW for an extended length of time and they've not left their BS, would that not also mean that they're not worth the OM/OW's effort to fight for as well?

 

I don't see how that would not work both ways.

 

Absolutely!

 

Both sides need to evalutate their self worth and how much pain and suffering they are prepared to put themself through.

 

For me, I didn't like the unnatural feelings of betrayal on either side and that means all parties considered.

[silktricks]

It is maddening, isn't it? As OWs, the rejection that we have to deal with is so much harder to heal from precises because we know that he loves us... and not his W. We know it and they have expressed it in so many ways. Yet, when it comes down to the final test of love... they fail. They give up. They become afraid. They wouldn't go further. They'd rather 'suffer' than to put their kids and family through 'hell' - as they say.

 

What you supposedly KNOW is what he told you - yet his actions - going home to his wife every night, staying with her, in spite of his so-called love for you - shows that he does NOT love you the way you have dreamed and imagined. He isn't failing the test of love, he is failing the test of loving you. If he'd rather "suffer" than put his family through hell, he has truly passed the test of love, love of his family - which includes his wife. If he truly did not love his wife and did love you, he would be with you, not his wife.

 

When a man rejects the OW to remain with his wife, he has made a choice based on many things. The OW wants very badly to believe that the man who has professed love to you, and whom you believed to be in love with you, meant all of the endearing things that you believed. The OW wants to believe that he does indeed love you more deeply than he loves his wife, more deeply than he loves anything. So, when he rejects you, when he chooses to stay with his wife rather than leaving her to be with you, the OW chooses to believe that it is for many other reasons, not that he made the choice based on the two women and chose the woman again that he already chose once before - his wife. Instead OW's want to believe that he is suffering and bereft, in love with the OW.

 

The OW already knows that the man is a liar. You know more than anyone how adept he is at lying, as you have been party to those lies he has been telling his wife. You OW ask the same questions so often, "How could the wife stay with a man who has lied to her for so long?" Always and always assuming that he has been telling you the truth and her the lies. Yet the OW choose to believe everything he says even while knowing his facility for lying to get what he wants.

 

So he tells the OW (as he leaves her to stay with his wife) "You are the only woman I could ever love, we are meant for each other, you are my one true love, etc. etc. etc. but I am going to stay with my wife for the sake of my children (or money, or whatever)." This is the man who has cheated for some time because HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS WITHOUT REGARD FOR OTHERS. He will tell you whatever will make him look the least bad to you, and will keep you admiring him/liking him/loving him. Because that's what it's all been about the whole time he was with you. It's been about HIM. His desires. His needs. His wants. HIM - not you, HIM.

[TheDiva]

What you supposedly KNOW is what he told you - yet his actions - going home to his wife every night, staying with her, in spite of his so-called love for you - shows that he does NOT love you the way you have dreamed and imagined. He isn't failing the test of love, he is failing the test of loving you. If he'd rather "suffer" than put his family through hell, he has truly passed the test of love, love of his family - which includes his wife. If he truly did not love his wife and did love you, he would be with you, not his wife.

 

When a man rejects the OW to remain with his wife, he has made a choice based on many things. The OW wants very badly to believe that the man who has professed love to you, and whom you believed to be in love with you, meant all of the endearing things that you believed. The OW wants to believe that he does indeed love you more deeply than he loves his wife, more deeply than he loves anything. So, when he rejects you, when he chooses to stay with his wife rather than leaving her to be with you, the OW chooses to believe that it is for many other reasons, not that he made the choice based on the two women and chose the woman again that he already chose once before - his wife. Instead OW's want to believe that he is suffering and bereft, in love with the OW.

 

The OW already knows that the man is a liar. You know more than anyone how adept he is at lying, as you have been party to those lies he has been telling his wife. You OW ask the same questions so often, "How could the wife stay with a man who has lied to her for so long?" Always and always assuming that he has been telling you the truth and her the lies. Yet the OW choose to believe everything he says even while knowing his facility for lying to get what he wants.

 

So he tells the OW (as he leaves her to stay with his wife) "You are the only woman I could ever love, we are meant for each other, you are my one true love, etc. etc. etc. but I am going to stay with my wife for the sake of my children (or money, or whatever)." This is the man who has cheated for some time because HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS WITHOUT REGARD FOR OTHERS. He will tell you whatever will make him look the least bad to you, and will keep you admiring him/liking him/loving him. Because that's what it's all been about the whole time he was with you. It's been about HIM. His desires. His needs. His wants. HIM - not you, HIM.

 

Silk, I have never read anything that had more truth to it! Now if OW would just listen.

 

I wish I had read this a decade+ ago...

[BUTAFLY]

What silk says is sooooo true. I was depressed for so long trying to figure out why my ex first of all lied about being engaged and then to say he could not be with me, although he said he wanted to and loved me. I thought there was something wrong with me, that he would choose to be pressured in a M than to walk a way.

 

Almost a year later it hit me like a tone of bricks... It was all about him not me, not us. He said whatever and I mean whatever it took (lets get married, lets start looking for a place of our own, lets look for rings)to keep me into him. Perhaps the pressure from his real upcoming wedding was too much reality for him and he needed to create a fantacy world to escape and I just happened to be his victim. But these men obviously look for a quick ego fix at anyone expense.