Moto Man's story

[MotoMan]

Ok, here's my thread.

 

My w and I started dating 9/99. We lived in different cities and never got to date like "normal" people, but it was good. We got engaged 10/00, and eventually I moved to her city so we could be together (plus the winters are very cold where I lived).

 

To the best of my memory, the troubles started when we lived together. We both had our ways of doing things and we clashed alot. Our upbringing had a lot to do with it also, as I grew up in a home where conflict and fighting were frowned upon, and my w grew up in a family where they laid things out right then and there and fought passionately for what they believed in.

 

There were some things I needed to change. Looking back on that time, I was stubborn and obstinate and couldn't understand why my w couldn't be more flexible. If I was out with friends and stayed out late, it shouldn't have been a problem, if I forgot to call because I was having such a good time with friends, she should understand.......

 

It was my own immaturity talking then. And it took me a while to grow up. Looking back on that, it was the start of the downfall of our M.

 

As time went on, my w (fiance) became more angry and resentful of my inconsideration. I, in turn, became more angry & resentful of my w's reaction, and her own strong personality. In time, I stopped trying to make the marriage work. I felt out-argued and out-debated most of the time because it was a comfortable way for my w to relate to me, given her family history, and it was a very uncomfortable way to me to relate to her, given my own family history.

 

We were engaged for a long time, partly because my w's a flight attendant and the airlines wouldn't give her the time off for the wedding. (Her family even flew out for it, and ended up having their own vacation). Eventually in 7/03 we got married (with less than a week planning), and eloped. (We were saving for a house, and our families weren't in the best shape financially, so it seemed to be the best thing).

 

I was naive, because I expected the M to make my w relax a little. In our R I felt controlled most of the time. She wanted to know what I was doing, with who, and when. Not unreasonable when I think about it now, but it felt like I was being told what I could and couldn't do. My passive nature didn't help either, as I didn't have the arguing skills she had, and I was a pleaser. I genuinely wanted to please my w, but it seemed like I was always trying to hit a moving target.

 

She had a love/hate R with my pleasing. She liked it in our R, but hated it with others. I don't know if it was that she thought I was weak, or if it was a competitive thing, but she let me know in no uncertain terms that she didn't like it.

 

My friends and family didn't like it either. They saw a happy man with lots of friends and aquaintances before I met my w, and saw a hardened, more withdrawn, unhappy man as time progressed. They weren't happy because I wasn't happy, and no matter how much I tried to hide it at times, they always busted me. In the end, they decided they didn't like her and didn't want anything to do with her.

 

I know my w wasn't happy either. She lectured me periodically about how all she needed was respect, courtesy, and to feel like she was a priority and that our M was a priority. She wanted me to plan dates, bring her flowers occasionally, give her hugs & kisses: things I'll bet any W would want in a R.

 

Ironically, I wanted to give her those things, and sometimes I did. I got tired of having my plans shot down. Somtimes I would suggest several date choices and she would vacillate between them until the last minute, which drove me crazy. I almost didn't want to do any of them by the time it was time to go on the date.

 

The respect, courtesy, and priority stuff, I took to mean that she wanted me to do things her way and that I couldn't have my way. She would say, "it's not rocket science!", but there were times I wasn't entirely clear on all of it.

 

To make matters worse, as time went on, my desire to spend time with her went lower and lower. I tired of the arguing, debating and fighting, and so, I withdrew.... big time.

 

I love my job and so I spent more time on it. I'm very good at my profession, and get recognition and praise for my work, both from my company and my clients. My clients are always glad to see me, partly because I help them make more money, and partly because I'm a genuine people person.

 

I sharply curtailed doing things I previously enjoyed: skiing, hiking, riding motorcycles, writing (partly bc my w made fun of my journaling), and spending time in intellectual conversations with friends. I stopped being involved with community orgs that I previously enjoyed. In short, I worked, and spent time at home, most of the time not w/ the w. I spent time on the computer, read a lot for work, and generally neglected my M.

 

It got to where I couldn't wait to go to work, and dreaded coming home.

 

Somwhere in all this, I started to become more assertive. Maybe it was a survival instinct to fight for my views and feel like I wasn't being railroaded so much. I was reading various self-help books and saw that being more assertive was going to take a lot of practice. There is a fine line between being assertive and being a jerk, and as the pendulum swung back and forth from the jerk zone, through the healthy assertive zone, and over to the jerk zone on the other side, and back again, my w was frustrated, I'm sure. She wanted a more assertive guy, but this jerk stuff was for the birds. I talked about it with my IC and in our MC, and got some positive feedback from both, so I kept fine tuning it..... and that effort continues today.

 

So here's where it all turns:

 

Not long after we got M, I met up with an aquaintance I hadn't seen in years. I was on a special assignment for work, and she was there too. We talked, we exchanged #'s, and talked some more. She became the OW.

 

The more I talked with her, the more I liked her. She listened without interrupting me. She treated me with respect and admiration. She valued our time togther. She asked me for my opinion on various subjects, without dismissing it out of hand. She sent me information on different topics that I felt like I was growing as a person. And she was positive in her attitude and outlook on life.

 

She was a pleaser, and acknowledged it. I saw it as a blessing and a curse because periodically she got taken advantage of, but I loved how she treated me. As time went on, she became more & more frustrated because she knew what we were doing was wrong, and she couldn't understand why I continued in an unhappy M.

 

The OW also couldn't understand how my W didn't work (she's out on a medical leave), had a house, 2 luxury cars for herself in the driveway ( I drive a cheap car for work), and just stayed home with our dog.

 

The OW held 3 jobs, was a single Mom to 2 kids and maintained her mortage and household. (After my W outed me via email, she emailed one of the OW's jobs to try to get her fired).

 

So after D day, my W and I went to MC. Most of the time, the sessions were about us pointing fingers at each other, and the MC advised us that we had to figure out how to get past this and work on things in the present, figure out if the arguements we were having were really productive. During this time, I gave my W access to my email & cell phone records (this is after the time shortly after Dday when she broke into those accounts, and I later changed the passwords). It really pushed my "control" buttons to have her quiz me on who was this # and who was this email from.

 

As our MC wound down, I realized that things weren't going to get any better with us. While I think both of us grew from the MC, I was more miserable than ever. The W was angrier than she had ever been, and I dreaded coming home and spending time with her more than ever.

 

She always talked about my responsiblity to her and the M, and that I wasn't being a man and taking responsibility for what I had done.

 

She periodically made threats. Stuff like "I'm going to email your company and expose you and get you fired", or "I'm going to smash all the windows on your car and spraypaint "I cheated on my W" all over it so you can drive it to work", or " I'm going to re-expose you to everyone on your email list" (You see, she copied my address list in my email after she broke into it right after D day).

 

Combine all this with the recent death of my Mom, and the stress got to a point where I came to a cross-roads...

 

After watching "The Last Samurai" on TV last weekend, I realized that I had dishonored everyone involved with my A, and that I was willing to commit hari-kari (figuratively speaking) to find peace. I told my W this. After I said I was willing to lose the house, my finances, my good credit, my good name in the community, and my job, to have peace; she laughed and called it melodramatic, and told me I wasn't a man because I wasn't willling to take responsibility for what I had done, and wasn't willing to do anything to save my M.

 

She was right about one thing, I wasn't willing to do anything to save my M. I was miserable before, and envisioned a future doing things her way and being even more miserable. Trying to visit friends without her grousing " Your friends don't like me and it's all your fault".

 

See, here's the thing. Since my W and I decided to get a D, I've been relatively at peace... and she's gotten angrier and angrier. We've been working on an MSA, and I feel it's been very productive. It's on her computer and we worked on it together and since I'm working and she's home most of the day, I suggested that she finish it, we look it over to make sure we agree, and we can file it.

 

You know what, I realized I'm rambling... any feedback you folks have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help!

[greeneyes78]

Well... I read both threads, yours and your wife's, and as of this moment and based on the information given, I am definitely on "Team MotoMan". Granted, this is not about taking sides and at this point I just wanted to wish you both some closure.

 

They say that when it comes to relationships, there are usually 3 stories: your story, her story, and the REAL story. I've read your wife's posts and she strikes me as someone who's almost obsessive... drama queen comes to mind right now. Who knows what the real deal is between the two of you anyway... but I do find it very interesting that women tend to feel "entitled" in a marriage... And I am a woman too.

[TheWife]

Well... I read both threads, yours and your wife's, and as of this moment and based on the information given, I am definitely on "Team MotoMan". Granted, this is not about taking sides and at this point I just wanted to wish you both some closure.

 

They say that when it comes to relationships, there are usually 3 stories: your story, her story, and the REAL story. I've read your wife's posts and she strikes me as someone who's almost obsessive... drama queen comes to mind right now. Who knows what the real deal is between the two of you anyway... but I do find it very interesting that women tend to feel "entitled" in a marriage... And I am a woman too.

 

OMG! He got you, too. I shuttered reading his version. But, I'm not surprised. My H is a great actor. That's what he wanted to be before he became a product trainer for GM. And he's very good at it. But I am not angry becaue it is as I expected. H left out the "real reason" why I'm been off work.

 

1) I was injured on the job in 1/05 on my left ankle. My H downplayed as a "medical leave". That part he's right. I wished he was more truthful about it tho. After 2-1/2 months of physical therapy with no improvement as prescribed by the first doc, who initially diagnosed (no x-ray, MRI, bone scan thos I asked, but got none) me with a torn ligament that would require surgery. She referred me to another doctor who took the appropriate tests. During one of those tests, the lab tech didn't see a torn ligament, but a fractured bone. I have initially injured this ankle few years back which I just dismised as a sprain. But kept working anyway. Because of it, it gradually resulted in a cyst growth weakening my ankle. That final injury required a surgery six months later. I had a permanent cast on for 6 weeks, with temporary one thereafter followed by weekly therapy which in the end helped but the pain never went away. Begged my doc to take tests, but wouldn't. Doc wanted to put me on P&S (permanent and stationary) BUT I fought against it because I wanted to go back to work. I knew that once doc declared me as such, my career as a flight attendant would be over. My H know this.

 

H is aware that I wanted to go back to work this Feb, 3 months earlier than expected. I had planned on it to the point of updating my manual and scheduling to be recertified. But, as luck or "faith" would have it, I lost my balance on our driveway which resulted in painful swelling. The answer was clear. I wasn't physically ready to go back to work.

 

With additional physical therapy later, the pain still didn't go away. I begged my doc to do some tests. He didn't want to because there wan't any point. Luckily, I develop a great rapport w/my workman's comp nurse manager from the beginning who guided me throughout this ordeal.

 

Less than 2 months ago, my last visit with doc, I noticed a small sheet of paper clipped on my file stacked against the door outside the exam room I was assigned in with "Permanent *& Stationary" written across it. I had a very uneasy feeling. I got to know a couple of the nurses and asked one of them what did that mean. She said, the doc was to declare me P & S that day.

 

Once doc came in, I pleaded with him that I wasn't ready to be declared P & S and asked why he won't take more tests to see what's going on. I reminded him of my visit to the doc whom he referred me for second opinion prior to the surgery that if this surgery did not work, there were two other options. I also told him that I had a flight attendant friend who had more than one surgery after being injured.

 

Finally, the doc agreed and referred me to the other doc for another opinion. A month ago, this doc, took x-ray and scheduled another bone scan. The result? Because of the bone fracture, cartilage was also damaged and was removed. This is why the pain never subsided. Because our body doesn't regenerate cartilage, I would need a cartilage implant. The procedure will require a biopsy on my knee, remove a cartilage from it, send it to a lab in Boston to regrow/multiply and then implant it on my ankle. This is why I have not been able to go back to work.

 

2) The "two luxury cars " and why I need two cars. I'm based in San Francisco with three airports to serve and we live in LA. I take one car when I'm on call or on "reseve". One car is 94 BMW 525i, the other is 2000 Range Rover. I've driven a BMW before we met. I've also driven other cars, American included. But I've always beenhappy with both with rare mechanical problems. I bought them used for the price of his one brand new car. H never gave me a dime for either cars.

 

H continues to justify his actions and he will do so until the day he dies as he continues to defiantly defend his OW. He compliments his OW for having 3 jobs, yet he turns around criticizes her for not "working smart." Go figure....

 

I woke up this morning with a different perspective. Considering all that has happened, and having gone out last night and laughed a lot, I am ready for a new life.

[The slayer]

Hey guys, I really feel for you both and obviously you both have a different perspective on where you are right now, but I'm really not sure this is way or place to be expressing your points of view on specific incidents.

 

Personally I think it is quite hard for the community to offer either of you any support at the moment, knowing that you are talking about each other.

 

I'd really recommend you both take a step back before turning what is a very difficult time in both your lives into a very public disagreement.

 

My very best wishes

[TheWife]

Hey guys, I really feel for you both and obviously you both have a different perspective on where you are right now, but I'm really not sure this is way or place to be expressing your points of view on specific incidents.

 

Personally I think it is quite hard for the community to offer either of you any support at the moment, knowing that you are talking about each other.

 

I'd really recommend you both take a step back before turning what is a very difficult time in both your lives into a very public disagreement.

 

My very best wishes

Point well taken. THe initial intent of posting was not to generate which side a reader should assume, but rather to find answers. I've found mine as a result of it and reaffirms where I want to be. Thanks.

[MotoMan]

Thanks TS, I agree with you. The motoman thread was started at the suggestion of some of the other members when I shared some of my experiences with "hard2think", who seemed to be going through similar anger phases with his w. I hope those folks will read this thread because I really learned a lot reading their advice to H2T.

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is, it's too bad both of you didn't talk and listen to eachother AS soon as the issues and problems started a long time ago...Instead putting up walls, and distancing yourselves from eachother, making some bad choices...

 

Wish you (both) the best in life.

[LakesideDream]

A passive-agressive man and a drama enhanced woman. Obviously a match made in heaven.

 

Three years of marriage is no big deal. Pull the plug! Moto, find another woman who you can lean on, hopefully one who is a little less agressive and drama prone. There is nothing wrong with sliding though life if you are a snake.

 

The Wife, go find a man to dominate that won't look for another womans shoulder to cry on when you are on a rampage. Emphisise your assets! You bring so much to a relationship, no children to bother with, a chronic ankle, disability insurance, and a pair of used luxury cars that cost less than a "new car". You are a real catch!

[greeneyes78]

OMG! He got you, too.

 

No, I really don't think he did. I'm just reading your posts.

[lovernotafighter]

the wife ~ you should really let moto man have his thread,you have yours..

 

moto I realise your wife is angry and should be, however 2 wrongs don't make a right and I can say Ive been on both sides of the fence and they are both extremely painful.

 

but if to people love each other they will at very least try to stay composed and mature and NOT find retaliation as a answer and then say" your not trying to work it out"...why because your not sucking up the abuse?

 

so because you messed up severely you should be continuously harassed,embarrassed and put into fear on a daily basis that you don't know what you could be waking up to?

 

I say this if the shoe was on the other foot the woman would be all about telling you to call the cops and the like for domestic violence and harassment..which if I was you I would put some kind of restraining order on the wife..despite what has happened no has to live with the threats she is making to you or bothering your job and friends and family...

 

Id say she's putting the nails in this marriages coffin on her own...who could forgive this..truly this is beyond anger...laughing while threatening..wow demented.

[Tatara]

I was naive, because I expected the M to make my w relax a little.

 

This should be a good lesson for everyone. Never marry expecting change to come of it.

[FallenPetals]

I've read both sides and I can honestly say that while I understand her pain and what she may be feeling, I also understand you. The only problem I have is your cheating as a means of a way out. It would have been a lot better to have said "This isn't working for me and we're just not compatible and I think we need to separate/and or divorce". Though it's always easy to say that, and you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.

 

I've read her post, and several of her other posts. I feel sorry for you both, but mostly I feel sorry for you. I went through the same thing with my first husband and it's a miserable, horrible, sick to your stomach type of thing each and every day it is time to go home. I know exactly where you're coming from, and don't take the naysayers or the beatings people give you on here too bad. It'll all get better and with time you can dust yourself off and say you've learned that lesson and next time when you see red flags popping up don't do what typical human nature in us normally does "well it's just one thing and that's ok it'll get better", instead investigate more and take more time. Goodluck to you Moto. I hope everything will turn out for the best.

[MotoMan]

Thanks FP. It's true, it's a tough situation. We're still in the same house, (she's out somewhere tonight, and didn't answer her cell when I called on my way home from work), but I'm moving out soon.

 

One thing I may have forgotten to mention is that this is my first M, her 2nd. I second-guessed myself alot because TW would say to me " You don't know what it's like to be married, I've been married 10 years, I know what I'm talking about".

 

Sometimes she did, sometimes I still disagreed with her, many times I couldn't argue with her logic (she missed her calling, she should've been an attorney).

 

All that said, you're right. I shouldn't have had the affair, there's no excuse for it. As far as not divorcing first, I was unhappy, but I didn't want to be a quitter, and I can be stubborn like any guy.

 

Some other folks have posted some great advice on this and other threads, and I have a better idea of what to do in a future relationship. Had TW and I found this site a couple years ago, the outcome might've been different. Thanks for the well-wishes! I wish you a happy and fulfilling life too!