MJSmith Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Hi all, Great forum here and longtime lurker here! I not 100% sure which forum to post this in, so forgive me if this is the wrong one. I've recently had an ex-girlfriend contact me after about 12-13 years or so of NC. We were in our early 20's and dated a bit less than two years and were very close. She ended up leaving me for another guy (who she is still with). I was pretty devastated for a long while after. Since the contact, we've talked a few times on the phone amicably even though it's awkward for me at times. It's nice, in a way, to hear from her after all these years. She tells me she wants to get a few things off her chest about the breakup (read: apologize) and wants meet in person to do this. She said this has been bothering her on and off for the last couple of years (I really don't know what triggered this). She initially said she wasn't trying to "get back with me", and later said she "never got over" me. Here is where I need advice, because and I am not sure if I want to meet her and talk. I'm weary because: A. To a degree I feel she may not be sincere (in other words, just doing this for her own conscience). Since you can't change the past, nothing will really change the way I feel. Does this make sense? B. I'm not sure how I will feel when I see her again. Obviously, it's my problem, but still won't really know how I feel until I see her. It has been many years, it was a bad break up, but I will always have special feelings towards her. On the other hand: If she went to all this trouble to find me, maybe I should hear her out. It seems she just doesn't want to get into discussing deep feelings over the phone. I greatly appreciate any advice or thoughts from anyone. This has been bothering me for a bit. Thanks for reading this, Mike Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Hi all, Great forum here and longtime lurker here! I not 100% sure which forum to post this in, so forgive me if this is the wrong one. I've recently had an ex-girlfriend contact me after about 12-13 years or so of NC. We were in our early 20's and dated a bit less than two years and were very close. She ended up leaving me for another guy (who she is still with). I was pretty devastated for a long while after. Since the contact, we've talked a few times on the phone amicably even though it's awkward for me at times. It's nice, in a way, to hear from her after all these years. She tells me she wants to get a few things off her chest about the breakup (read: apologize) and wants meet in person to do this. She said this has been bothering her on and off for the last couple of years (I really don't know what triggered this). She initially said she wasn't trying to "get back with me", and later said she "never got over" me. Here is where I need advice, because and I am not sure if I want to meet her and talk. I'm weary because: A. To a degree I feel she may not be sincere (in other words, just doing this for her own conscience). Since you can't change the past, nothing will really change the way I feel. Does this make sense? B. I'm not sure how I will feel when I see her again. Obviously, it's my problem, but still won't really know how I feel until I see her. It has been many years, it was a bad break up, but I will always have special feelings towards her. On the other hand: If she went to all this trouble to find me, maybe I should hear her out. It seems she just doesn't want to get into discussing deep feelings over the phone. I greatly appreciate any advice or thoughts from anyone. This has been bothering me for a bit. Thanks for reading this, Mike Well if you are not in a relationship yourself...... and you may still have feelings for this person.... maybe hear her out..... just remember that.. why did she leave you in the first place.... if you can correct this.... figure yourself out... maybe... who knows:) Take a chance..... life is to short...eh ! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 A. To a degree I feel she may not be sincere (in other words, just doing this for her own conscience). Since you can't change the past, nothing will really change the way I feel. Does this make sense? It makes perfect sense. Personally I wouldn't meet up with her. She wants to absolve herself of some guilt or other & will use you to do that. Why should you have to trudge up old & bad memories for the appeasement of her guilty conscience? This is not your problem. She should put her own demons to rest. Besides, she could just write you a letter. Link to post Share on other sites
Greensleaves Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I guess she probably has feelings towards you and wants to find out how deep it runs by meeting you. I do agree, if she just wants to get things off her chest, she could write an email or a letter as well. You gotta decide whether you want to run the risk of getting hurt. On the other hand, meeting her personally could also mean that you will be "cured" forever, because she has changed or her appearance has changed so much. I personally would probably go, because I would be curious. Well, unless i was actually with somebody and would fear that this meeting might impact the current relationship; in that case I'd refrain from going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 Well if you are not in a relationship yourself...... and you may still have feelings for this person.... maybe hear her out..... just remember that.. why did she leave you in the first place.... if you can correct this.... figure yourself out... maybe... who knows:) Take a chance..... life is to short...eh ! Thanks for your response. I am not currently in a relationship. I am not really sure why she did leave, she alluded (more than once) to discussing that if we met. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 A. To a degree I feel she may not be sincere (in other words, just doing this for her own conscience). Since you can't change the past, nothing will really change the way I feel. Does this make sense? It makes perfect sense. Personally I wouldn't meet up with her. She wants to absolve herself of some guilt or other & will use you to do that. Why should you have to trudge up old & bad memories for the appeasement of her guilty conscience? This is not your problem. She should put her own demons to rest. Besides, she could just write you a letter. Thanks for the reply. It's difficult to really know the intent for sure. Maybe I should directly ask her this on the phone next time we talk. And I agree, she should put her own demons to rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 I guess she probably has feelings towards you and wants to find out how deep it runs by meeting you. I do agree, if she just wants to get things off her chest, she could write an email or a letter as well. You gotta decide whether you want to run the risk of getting hurt. On the other hand, meeting her personally could also mean that you will be "cured" forever, because she has changed or her appearance has changed so much. I personally would probably go, because I would be curious. Well, unless i was actually with somebody and would fear that this meeting might impact the current relationship; in that case I'd refrain from going. Thanks for the reply. I am somewhat curious, and I am single. The fact she is still with the guy I was left for all those years ago makes me weary. I was also thinking about what you mention regarding being "cured forever", as that possible scenario makes sense and could help. It's just the unknown intent on her side that is bothering me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 Hey there! First of all. Can I mention to ILMW, that there is NO NEED TO COPY AND PASTE, the entire message you are replying to ESPECIALLY, if its above your own messgae. This saves space, and memory on Love Shack! MJSmith. Can I advise you that you have really nothing to lose. Time changes people. I think what you need to find out first is what went wrong. She`s maybe thinking that her current relationship is failing now, and she wants to rekindle a past love. Tread carefully my friend. She may have an nostalgic outlook here. It doenst mean anything, because time like I said will only tell. If her current partner plays it right, she may go back to him! Remember 12 years is a long time. If she has second thoughts and wants to go back to her current relationship then you`ve lost her all over again. She may go back to someone after 12 years of commitment. What you ave to do is communicate to her what she wants. I mean no one, and I mean no one gets in touch with someone after a decade of NC! Be wise in your decision my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 12 years for her to contact you, Guess she is feeling some guilt ha don't let her clear her conscience if it took that long, but than again I do believe life is too short. Don't let her be doing this out of her convenience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 Ukwizard & Brittany, thanks for your reply's, I appreciate them! Mike Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Hey there! First of all. Can I mention to ILMW, that there is NO NEED TO COPY AND PASTE, the entire message you are replying to ESPECIALLY, if its above your own messgae. This saves space, and memory on Love Shack! Is that better? I'll remind all the others who do it to! Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I think if it were me, and I was still single, I'd probably go meet the person. Time changes people so much, that there's no guarantee you'd want her back even if you saw her, and well, if there are any underlying questions, you could be cured of those. I guess it's a matter of weighing which outcome would be hard to deal with. If you think you could handle the worst possible outcome, then i'd say, go for it. Life is definitely too short to have any regrets. Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 6, 2006 Author Share Posted September 6, 2006 Thanks ariawoman! Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Ukwizard & Brittany, thanks for your reply's, I appreciate them! Hey, anytime Mike. How are you? What are your thoughts recently about this. Remember what I said about someone coming back after a decade. Why would anyone do that? Your post doesn`t really say how she contacted you, but you do mention that, She initially said she wasn't trying to "get back with me", and then, later said she "never got over" me. Which I think is kind of a contradiction. I think there are signs like, She ended up leaving me for another guy (who she is still with). Have you asked her why she has contacted you? Have you probed, and questioned her to find out why after a decade? Is it because she is having current relationship problems, and like I said wants to rekindle with a past love? We need more answers Mike! Lol:) Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 I really don't understand why ex's come back after a decade either. I find it rather hard that in 12 years what they did is catching up to them or haunting them. But this is life, and it has its surprises Were you blown away when she contacted you, if I had an ex contact me after 12 years I think I would have literally been blown away ::: falls over ::: haha Link to post Share on other sites
Ukwizard Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Hi Brittanyjean! Love your "mogwai" avatar by the way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 6, 2006 Author Share Posted September 6, 2006 Hey, anytime Mike. How are you? What are your thoughts recently about this. Remember what I said about someone coming back after a decade. Why would anyone do that? Ukwizard, I am doing fair. I appreciate you asking. I think she just wanted to get things off her chest even though they weren't touched on so much. Well I actually met her today. We hung out at my place for a while. We were definately close physically (holding each other and talking) for most of the time. To tell you the truth, it was *really* nice. At the point she did have to leave and get back home she seemed to show the feeling that it was nice to see me and we would talk later. I asked about seeing her again and nothing really came of it - she has her own life to get back to. So at this point, I know I still have feelings for her. However I don't think she feels the same way, even though while we were together I got a *MUCH* different message. I'm feeling really sad and empty right now. I know she will be on my mind for a while... I don't really know what to do at this point man. Any advice? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author MJSmith Posted September 6, 2006 Author Share Posted September 6, 2006 Were you blown away when she contacted you, if I had an ex contact me after 12 years I think I would have literally been blown away ::: falls over ::: haha I was absolutely blown away! Link to post Share on other sites
Greensleaves Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Oh dear, that was of course the worst possible outcome: you have feelings still, she might as well but not in the same way. Hmm, difficult. But what was the reason why she wanted to meet you now? As obviously you haven't really touched topics that might be on her chest that much. I don't know. it's odd; she didn't want to talk about past things too much and wasn't into getting back together but also didn't meet you with the intention of hanging out occasionally as "She has a life to get back to". I guess I need some details to make more sense of it. Greensleaves Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Thank you! Everyone seems to adore this picture of Gismo psh and who says ex's never come back So I guess all those feelings came flooding back? You didn't have another lover? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Why would someone contact an ex after so many years only to meet with them and mess them up again when they were doing just fine before they made contact? It sounds pretty selfish to me. This person is obviously messed up, is having some doubts in their present relationship and needed an ego boost from the past. I don't think that you should meet with her again. You are definately running the risk of opening up old wounds if it hasn't already happened. Dr. Phil often says that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.You don't need this messed up and selfish person in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 I had an "love interest" contact me awhile back, not knowing who was calling, I answered it. Well it was also the same day I ended things and refocused. I forgot to call her so in effect I blew her off. There were many reasons why, some of which were past issues and I do not desire an instant family. Also helped that I had people call me which wiped out the last few calls (as in over 10 that day from different people!) Why would she contact me? She recently divorced and and is somewhat manhunting... I would go and see what she has to say but I would keep my heart, ears, eyes, both heads, nose, and hands close to prevent issues. Don't expect to much. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 After 12 ufcking years, does it really matter anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 MJSmith, So at this point, I know I still have feelings for her. However I don't think she feels the same way, even though while we were together I got a *MUCH* different message. I want you to think about her end of the spectrum -her side of life. You say, she has her life together. Or so it seems to you. It may seem like the case, but it is not. Don't be fooled. Try to think of the situation in this form: A+B+C = M A: The enormous elapsed time [12-13 years]. That is a lifetime. Those years have changed you, her, and everything. You can't fight time. B: You have moved on. You say, you're single. You've got your life together, and enjoying the way reality set in your skin. C: Her world. Her life. She has a partner, who is closely trying to commit to. It may seem to you, that she is happy. In fact, she is craving drama. Her life isn't exciting enough, so she journeys to you -to add interest in her life. The result is M: Nope. A + B + C will not join forces to make M, which is a potential relationship. Don't expect it to. The entire situation is too engulfed in time, that you cannot expect any romance back. Meet her one or two more times. Nothing more. Find someone with a lot less time difference, and baggage. Imagine the issues, you and her, would be discussing if a relationship was to blossom! Something to think about. Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
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