Considering cheating.

[luvstinks]

I've been with my guy for 14 yrs. We're not "married" but have always been committed & monogamous. Very mutual and feels no different than the legal way.

 

Anyhow.....

 

When we 1st got together it was crazy intense, we could just devour each other. Don't mean this to sound conceited, but we were very attractive people and crazy in lust and love. Couldn't keep our hands off each other. Had sex 2-3 times every day. Couldn't wait to get back to it, back to each other. We were inseperable. When I moved to college 2 hrs away we would sleep with each other's clothes, the last outfit we wore, underwear, etc.. after wkend visits. It was so intense I *knew* it would last forever. I was drunk with the smell of him, look and feel of him, his voice, everything him... This was how it was the 1st 3 yrs.

 

He was SO BEAUTIFUL in that dark sexy Johnny Depp kinda way. Everybody, even our guy friends would comment on his looks. We would kiss for hours and hours. I would watch him sleep for hours, do everything I could to please him, practically worshiped him. He was the same towards me, but that wore off just after moving in together around year 3.

 

So now I've dealt with a decade of his boredom, cruel words and apathy. He's often told me he wants to break up, see other women, etc... and I cry then agree, prepare to leave, but we never follow through. I still loved and lusted for him up until 4-5 yrs ago, then got too sick of the pain. The past 5+ yrs he's been into porn and says he's sexually turned on, just not by me. We have sex once every 3+ months. I've transformed myself to be more like him, apathetic and more attracted to other men. And he's recently gained some weight and has "gas issues" so I gladly lose even more interest to match his disinterest.

 

Problem with leaving is both of us still love each other, but more like best friends and partners. And we're both still jealous of each other. We both wish we could have what we 1st had but there's too much resentment. And I can't trust him again. Don't wanna get my hopes up to be hurt again. He always hurts me or decides to end things when I least expect it.

 

I've been mentally going outside the relationship, subconciously testing the borders, lusting/fantasizing, and flirting, playing with trouble. Even *embarrassingly* propositioned a guy thru myspace. I've been thinking if I had a fling it would give me the courage to finally close the door on this near-dead relationship. He says he couldn't be friends with me after we broke up thinking I'm sexually with another man. He would completely cut me off if we break up. And I kinda feel the same. It would hurt too much.

 

I'M STILL YOUNG!!! (32) Am I supposed to give up sex??? Is there any way to be close friends after breaking up or divorce????

Telling me to "Just leave!" is easier said than done.