Why do I even care?

[BamaLady]

I was married to my husband for 22 years. We have two children together. He was married once, before me....for five weeks. He caught her cheating on him and he divorced her.

 

I was FAITHFUL to this man and went to hell and back with him. He, on the other hand, was a womanizer two months into our marriage. I put up with more than most women would ever put up with out of 10 husbands. I left numerous times and came back to broken promises and worse events than before I left.

 

He never got out from underneath his Mom and Dad long enough to grow up and be a responsible husband and father. Why did I stay? I have asked myself that over and over and the best I can come up with is, security, and the fact that at least I wasn't alone, ALL of the time. And the fact that I had two children to raise. I did not believe in divorce and I did not want one. I thought that one day things would get better.....I was VERY WRONG!!

 

There is not enough space to write everything here, nor would I bore you with all of my history.

 

His ex-wife comes back into the picture. She has a 19 year old son...........long story short......he belongs to my husband. Hence, husband was married to me when this conception took place. Of course, I was devastated. I knew in my heart that one day someone was going to come along with a child and say it was his.....I just didn't know it would be his ex.

 

Our children no longer mattered, as much. Hers became top priority. I became ill and was hospitilized. He visited me twice.........she was waiting in his vehicle while he did so. I did not know that he was seeing her again. When I got home from the hospital, I figured it all out. I packed my bags, purchased an airline ticket and flew 3000 miles away from him. That was 15 months ago.

 

He immediately moved her into our home!!! (We have since given the home to OUR son. My ex has built his woman a new house.) She was still married and so was he. She goes and comes as she pleases. She moves in and she moves out.....OFTEN!!!

 

I don't love him and I don't care who he is with, other than this woman. He killed my love for him many years ago. I stayed long enough to get my children raised and out of there. They love their Dad, but they have no respect for what he has done.

 

Why do I care if he is with her? I hate the mention of her name. He put her on the phone with my daughter this week and I just lost it. My daughter can't stand her and her Dad knows this. The day after he pulled this stunt, he called my cell phone looking for my daughter and when he started to hang up he told me he loved me.......what the hell?? I just hung the phone up. I don't love him and I wish he would get that through his head.

 

I can't stand the mention of his ex or her son. Is this normal?

[LakesideDream]

No it's not unusual. You must be a very brave woman to have put up with that much crud. Dumb maybe, but brave.

 

Obviously your ex suffered from big time low self esteem his whole life. He was greedy and calous. What he is/was doing is wrong, you know it.. he knows it, anybody with a grasp of the situation knows it.

 

Moving 3000 miles is a good idea. You don't say whether you are still married to him, I hope you are not. Change your cell phone number, leave it up to your children whether to be in contact with him or not and ignore him.

 

Get some peace and quiet into your world. Your ex's girlfriend and her kid are not the problem, he is. Cut ties and move on.

[BamaLady]

Thank you for your comments!

 

Dumb is a nice word for me. Nicer than what my family has called me the last 22 years.

 

Putting 3000 miles between us was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

He filed for divorce. This past Christmas, I gave him a wonderful present.....I signed the divorce papers.

 

As of this day, we are NOT divorced!!!

 

It was just the way the events unfolded with the "other" son. My husband denied him. My mother-n-law got involved and eventually the entire situation got out of hand.

I was lied to and manipulated for over two years about this boy and the affair. I begged my husband to go for a DNA and he wouldn't.

After I leave, and just very recently do I find out, they all went behind my back while I was still living with my husband and had a DNA done. My mother-n-law paid for the test.

So, the cozey little second family went to another state and found out they were indeed a new family, after all these years.

I don't resent the boy......I resent his mother. I want to rip her eyeballs out.

 

I won't be talking to him anymore. I was nice enough to let him know when our daughter was hospitalized with false labor, but her husband will be home next week from overseas. He can do all the calling then.

[Touche]

Don't let the past eat you up. You did do the right thing in leaving. Start a new life for yourself.

 

Good luck!

[BamaLady]

Thank you! It's just hard and it still hurts...........

[Gunny376]

You made the decisions that you made based upon the best knoweldge and infiormation that you had at the time. It speaks of your characther that you made scarifices for the sake of your children, and provided them with a home all of these years. That's what we as parents are suppose to do.

 

Beating yourself up is to no avail. You simply made a bad choice in husbands when you were younger. People do this everyday, LS is full of them.

 

You still care ~ because that is your nature. There's a fine line between love and hate. For your own personal self growth ~ you should just let it go ~ just let it go and move forward in your life ~ with your life.

[BamaLady]

I'm trying, Gunny! Thanks for the positive words and advice~

[RecordProducer]

It is absolutely understandable why you hate this woman. You two are natural enemies, like antelopes and lions or cats and mice. Who would expect from you to like her or be indifferent?

 

The sad part is that you know very well whose faults this all is - your husband's. If you had a nice husband, you wouldn't deal with women and children outside your marriage.

 

Your husband probably made your life miserable and it breaks my heart to think of all the people who have suffered and wasted their best years on worthless spouses. Being alone and independent, meeting the right person or at least date people and have fun would have been a much better option for you than staying in a terrible marriage for security and the children's sake.

 

But it's still not too late for you. When my mother divorced her second husband at age 49, she lost her security and went through a lot of pain (disgusting, not romantic pain), but she has been much happier and she re-gained the security in many unexpected ways. The divorce gave her strength and wisdom to deal with life troubles - something that she never knew she possessed while she was married.

[BamaLady]

Thank you RP. What you have said is exactly what I have thought.

 

It's hard to erase the bad times..........I doubt I will ever trust another man again.

[RecordProducer]

It's hard to erase the bad times..........I doubt I will ever trust another man again.

Please view your husband as the worst extreme that you happened to step inot (like you step into somebody's crap). He is certainly not a good representative of all the male gender. there are men out there who are not like him. I know many men who are good. My husband is good. My ex-husband and I didn't get along and he is not a really good person, but he never cheated on me. You need the company of a man who will respect you and treat you right. You can deal with a man who has no sense of humor or you can get used to someone who is not the handsomest or most educated man in the world. But you can't possibly deal with a liar who has no moral values, upbringing, respect, and honor. You just can't no matter how much you invest in the relationship.

[BamaLady]

Thanks again, RP! I was slowly starting to trust again, but then I hit a huge bump in the road.......more like a crater. Didn't know it was going to hurt so bad to be lied to. I keep asking myself if it's really worth it!</p>