A Question of Identity

[Agent M]

....or, who are you? And how do you know? Do you define yourself in terms of likes and dislike?

 

I got out of a recent relationship with someone who is really different than I am. I tried to see life from his point of view and am left just totally confused (and single).

 

I've always worn "many different hats", but I'm such an open person that I don't even know who I am anymore, due to outside influences. I worked in the education field for 10 years, and I thought life at school was a macrocosm of the real world. Now I work in retail, and I find that people are so varied, and different than I thought. I had become fairly conservative (not politically), but now, just Fri. night, I was playing pool, drinking beer, and doing shots with all kinds of different people, with different senses of humor and different interests, some even 10+ years younger than me. I wondered, should I just accept all these people? Is it OK, as someone in their 30's to be out acting crazy? Should I be using my time more productively and wisely? But, how come I'm having so much fun?. How come I'm more carefree when I'm out drinking...(but then feel bad the next day). Is a lot of it about having fun?

 

How do you decide upon your values? How do you know how to be? Who you are? My ex liked staying detached, never minding people's ages or social standing, being open and nice, living in the moment, enjoying everything life has to offer, feeling somewhat content, enjoying nature, fishing, having a spiritual side and honoring it, and finding enjoyment in everything he does (atleast for leisure). (I'll spare you the other side of him). My parents say No, you should find someone who works hard and is going somewhere, but then, does that really matter if money doesn't matter to you that much or if you don't mind sleeping in a tent? Who says we should keep up with the Jones's?

 

I feel like in order to forge an identity I need to pass judgment. But the more I look around, the more I wonder why I should look at some p*t smoking, beer drinking (non alcoholic), bar hanging, pool playing, just out for the fun of it person, and make a judgment. Everyone says, he or she is a loser. Are they? And after I've gotten past making judgments, how do I know what's right for me? Is this all rooted in fear? Should I care??

 

Comments?

[burning 4 revenge]

You define yourself by your material worth, both in terms of youth, health and physical beauty and in terms of your finances

[melodymatters]

I think, that balance is the key. You do not need to judge other people, you need to be open to learning about YOU. What YOU think, feel, want need. I know how that can be subsumed sometimes in a relationship and one of the positives of ending a relationship, is that chance to get to know " yourself" again.

 

As far as "partying" in your 30's. Hell yeah, why not ??? Just make sure you can pay your bills, take care of your responsibilities, and don't drive drunk. otherwsie, your a friggen grown up, go ahead. Just cause SOME people can't make their rent, or keep getting fired, doesn't mean all "party people" are losers.

 

I used to bartend in an upper class joint years ago and some of the biggest drinkers were the hardest workers with the most cash.

[Outcast]

Well, my concern would be the definition of 'fun'. If altering your mood with recreational chemicals becomes *the* definition of 'fun' for you, then I think it's not an issue of being judgmental but more one of wondering why, when life has so much else to offer, that that's the choice.

 

I'm not interested in fake 'fun' - i.e. the perception you're having 'fun' because your own judgment is impaired by the chemicals you've ingested when in reality you're likely acting and talking like a twit.

 

As for people, accept who you want to. Your folks have decided that humans who are 'productive' in terms of producing capital are somehow more desirable than people who have less of their lives invested in seeking cash. That's their choice.

 

The people who earn my admiration and fondness are those who respect other people and their rights and are good to their fellow humans. Your ex sounds like he was a great guy - too bad there was a side you didn't enjoy!

[stargazer12]

My story has been posted in part several times, just to recap, somewhat.

My wife passed away two years ago, we where in love, and remained together marries for thirty years. She probably loved me more. However we can never undo actions, we’ve done and consequences of them. I sure was not a perfect husband, surely I didn't deserve what happened. My wife cheated on me after three years of marriage, for three years.

We never went to counseling nor spoke of it, as per her. Of course and I was always blamed me for everything, I didn’t love her I drank to much, I this and that. That being said my problem with this, beside the obvious, is why did she not give me, my freedom. If she wanted someone else than tell me. I would not have liked it, but much better than being played. Once I found out the little rat, she was going with, a real live gangster,

Who was connected, twenty years her senior, went scurrying for cover, I mean literally. Nonetheless I would have found some one, I not bad looking, a pretty kind and caring person. I had plenty of girl friends before I was married, she had enough too. I thought that, that life was behind me. When we decided to work on our marriage, though she wanted counseling, or to speak of it. She felt the shame of it, but what did I feel. We had one child in 1979 we had one child in 1983 and one in 1984, eleven months apart. Though I did participate in their conception, but also believed they were to keep me from leaving, if you knew me, you'd understand how I am. Well here is my question, why not give me the same opportunity as she. If she didn’t care for me, bring it out and tell me, or set me free.

[Walk]

I kind of went through the same thing.. and I realized that I had to do some deep soul searching to decide what aspects of my life were most important to me. I wrote up a huge list of everything I wanted to be as a human, things I wanted to do, what I wanted to be overall... Then I chose three things that were most important to me. Rearranged my entire life around those three things, and flipped a finger to all those who called me crazy.

 

These were broader things that I chose, Like education, financial stability, and personal growth. Then I made choices on how to center my energy around those. Not as side hobbies, because these three things are integral to my happiness, so I had to incorporate them fully into my life.

 

Frankly, I'm really happy with who I've become. It was really hard for me to figure out what was important to me, and I was incredibly unsure if I'd made the right choices at first... I've had to make some adjustments over time to fine tune my goals some. Tossed out part of it completely because I realized the reason I had wanted it was not a reason that would make me happy in the long run. But at least I had a direction, and that was part of my problem back then. I kept waiting for others to give me direction in life.. But now that I have some momentum under me, it seems easier to grow into who I want to be in life. Gets easier to realize I want one thing, or I don't... and easier to make the sacrifices to get those because I want to accomplish it.

 

Not sure if that was what you were really asking or not.. But maybe if you find something in that ramble that can help you, then great. I think the biggest thing is to stop listening to what every one else says, and start looking deep inside of you. No one else matters when it comes right down to it. Not even whether Joe Schmoe at the bar is drinking himself to an early death... he isn't you. Only decision you have regarding that is whether you want to follow the same path or not. But his life is his choice, not yours or anyone elses. Just as your life is your own choice. And to hell with anyone else.

[johan]

Walk, I'm seriously impressed. Great post.

[Agent M]

Thanks...this is helpful advice...gives me a good place to start. Anyone else?