I Hurt So Bad!

[prrthd1]

I've known my ex for about 5 or 6 years, but he recently divorced last October. We began talking daily at the end of March and started dating at the end of April. Things were great, actually everything seemed perfect. Then, at the end of June he suddenly said he needed to slow down and regroup and then he would give me a call. At that time, he acted like it was a break, not a break-up.

 

Five weeks later I found out that he was seeing someone else - a 19 yr old girl that he had met a few months before we started dating. I knew they still talked to each other, but he told me all about her and said he wasn't interested in her. He seemed so attentive and loving towards me, right up until the day it ended, that I believed him.

 

I TRULY LOVE this man. In fact, I think he may be the first person I've loved with my whole heart. The relationship I had before this one lasted two years and the split was nowhere near as painful as this has been. I feel like my world is ending somedays. I can't think of anything worse than not being with someone you love and be able to tell them how you feel.

 

We only dated two months, but things had gotten really serious. Most people think that he just got scared because he's not ready to commit again and he knows things will be "light" with the younger girl. Or, did he just not ever care about me? But, if he didn't care about me, why did he bother with me if he knew her before we started dating? See, there are so many questions still engulfing my mind that I can't be at peace about it.

 

So, I guess my question is - how do you convince yourself that you're going to be ok? How do you feel better? Right now I feel like I will never meet anyone like him. On one hand, I'm mad at him because he sort of left me hanging instead of breaking it off clean AND he's seeing the girl he swore to me was getting on his nerves. But, on the other hand, that doesn't change the fact that I love him and I pray constantly that he'll see the light and return to me. (This part may be in jeopardy now, though, because I finally decided to stand up for myself and sent him a kinda b****y email).

 

ANY ADVICE?

[loveinlife]

I feel sorry for you prrthd1. I know how it feels when the other person leaves you, esp with another person. My ex did that to me, but I realized life is not fair. It takes time to heal and its like breaking something that you been so used to and that's him. We see them as a comfort zone, something that we thought would last forever.

 

It seems like you guys have known each other for a long time. I don't believe he has forgotten you. Stay strong, I know it sounds easier said than done. I was at a point of giving up like you, that there is no point of living. You are doing the right thing at the right moment bc you are looking for answers just like all of us are. However, I stuck to this forum, which helped me a lot...There are so many people who are so nice and just like you on this forum.

 

A lot of us are happy and single, sometimes it hurts to find out what we had is not there anymore... But you will always have your family and friends. I really hope you feel better soon. Like all of us, we have different time period to get better. Take your time to heal, everyone is different. I am all with you as I am going through it myself.

 

________________________________________

Live life one day at a time -Sam

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the encouraging remarks, loveinlife.

 

I've been going out, etc., and rediscovering who I am. My friends are trying to set me up, but I don't know if I'm ready yet. I know this relationship only lasted 2-3 months, but you can't put a timeline on falling in love. I felt more love and passion with this guy than I did in my previous relationship, which lasted two years. I'm happy being single. I'm not the kind of girl that needs a man to function, but I miss him everyday. I go out and do things and think "he would enjoy this."

 

It's been 11 weeks since we stopped seing each other and I have now realized that there are blessings that have come from the split. I'm a changed person - stupid things that once mattered to me don't anymore. I'm more faithful and spiritual. I've gotten closer to my mom. And, dating this guy got my ex to leave me alone for good. Now, the ex is in legal trouble, so it's a blessing that I'm not involved any more.

 

I still love this guy and think about him all the time. I hope you're right, loveinlife, I hope he hasn't forgotten me. In the back of mind and in my heart I keep thinking that maybe all of this was meant to be a trial for the both of us and we will find our way back to each other someday. I accept that it's over for now, but I can't let go of faith and hope. If I lose that, I've lost everything.

[bchlvr]

It's understandable that you feel very hurt. Knowing him 5 or 6 years, you probably thought he was a known quantity and could be trusted.

I think what makes this so painful is the sudden severing of a relationship with someone you started to get attached to and opened your heart to. There is a sense of betrayal because: 1) he was attentive and loving toward you and you believed his intentions to continue a growing relationship was sincere. At least from what you describe, there was nothing indicating anything to the contrary. 2) He reassured you that his interests lay with you, not someone else, thus allowing you to build trust. 3) He became involved with the other woman. You question his motives and probably everything about the relationship.

 

It sounds as though you are doing great trying to take care of yourself, re-grouping and moving forward.

 

My question to you is...was there anything in your time together or knowing him that indicated a tendency to sever relationships, to "cut and run?" Did he seem attracted to drama or lots of intensity? If so, did that characterize your relationship or other relationships? Did his behavior seem contradictory in a troubling way? I ask, because if any of these hold true, they may be red flags to watch out for in the future.

 

Your circumstances sound very close to my recent break up.

Youre not alone.

[bchlvr]

It's understandable that you feel very hurt. Knowing him 5 or 6 years, you probably thought he was a known quantity and could be trusted.

I think what makes this so painful is the sudden severing of a relationship with someone you started to get attached to and opened your heart to. There is a sense of betrayal because: 1) he was attentive and loving toward you and you believed his intentions to continue a growing relationship was sincere. At least from what you describe, there was nothing indicating anything to the contrary. 2) He reassured you that his interests lay with you, not someone else, thus allowing you to build trust. 3) He became involved with the other woman. You question his motives and probably everything about the relationship.

 

It sounds as though you are doing great trying to take care of yourself, re-grouping and moving forward.

 

My question to you is...was there anything in your time together or knowing him that indicated a tendency to sever relationships, to "cut and run?" Did he seem attracted to drama or lots of intensity? If so, did that characterize your relationship or other relationships? Did his behavior seem contradictory in a troubling way? I ask, because if any of these hold true, they may be red flags to watch out for in the future.

 

Your circumstances sound very close to my recent break up.

Youre not alone.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for the reply, bchlvr.

 

Everything you said about why I am hurting so much is true. I trusted him. He has been a family friend for several years and never gave me any reason not to trust him. I had opened my heart to him more than I ever had to any other man. The funny thing is, I was guarded in the beginning because I was afraid of getting hurt and we both were telling each other this was too good to be true. Not one time did he give me a reason to believe that he wasn't serious about our future together. Not only did he make plans with me, he made plans with my family and he initiated it.

 

I assumed that if he was being honest with me about the other girl wanting to date him, that I could believe him when he assured me I had nothing to worry about. He even went as far as to tell me that she had asked him to stop seeing me and he said no. I never pressured him about her. In fact, I told him I didn't want him to stop being friends with her because of me and I didn't have a problem if she came along when we all went out. (She never did, though. We never actually met but we both knew about each other).

 

And finally, yes he chose her over me although he seemed content with me. I mainly question why he even became involved with me in the first place. Although I've known him for years, he became friends with her long before we started talking. Why would he become involved with me if he was interested in her? This question leads to many others, like: "Is he just seeing her to try to get me out of his system?" Stuff like this just makes one over-analyze everything.

 

So, to answer your question....No, there never was anything to indicate that he would just up and end it that way. In fact, he even told me about how he went through marriage counseling before his divorce. I assumed any man willing to go to counseling to save an obviously unhappy marriage is a man with values.

 

However, I think he may be attracted to drama. His marriage was very dramatic - his ex-wife is very loud, mouthy and obnoxious and had a lot of trust issues. I am very laid-back, understanding and I trusted him. I didn't get mad if he went out with friends or didn't call when he said he was going to. I was trying hard not to be clingy. He said he couldn't believe I was like that and that he couldn't see the "wrath" coming out in me. Now I wonder if he just likes clingy and dramatic because that is what he is used to. He doesn't know what to do in a happy, peaceful relationship.

[prrthd1]

I'm sharing this with everybody because I find it funny and it makes me feel better.

 

A friend of mine called this morning and said she had been out to where my ex works to pick up something for her truck. She said he came up to her and hugged her and they started talking. He said something to her like "You never called me back about that new truck you called about a couple of weeks ago." She replied "Oh, I didn't really want a new truck, I just wanted you to know what it feels like to expect a phone call and never get it." He didn't say anything back to her; he just changed the subject. THEN, he told her I'd sent him an email last week that "ripped him a new one." He said he sent one back and I replied back and "ripped him another new one." She told him "Good for her. It's about time she let you have it." She didn't know that I had sent the b****y email and called to ask if he was telling the truth, which he was.

 

It made me feel better knowing that it got to him. I just can't believe he admitted it to her. They were friendly and everything - they've known each other for years - but it was funny that she pounded him and he admitted I'd given it to him.

[prrthd1]

I'm having a bad day. A lady I work with goes to church with my ex. She said that him and the 19 yr old have been there the past couple of weeks. I knew they had been coming some, but it hurts to find out that they are still together. They've been together longer than I was with him now. But, even though I know they're still together, I keep thinking - we were fine one day and split up the next. Who's to say that won't happen with them?

 

She also said the 19 yr old looked about 12 and was SOOO not pretty. I just don't know what he sees in her.

 

I just have really been missing him the past couple of days. I went to our cabin yesterday with my family and went fishing and four-wheeling and hiking, etc. The whole time I was thinking how much he would enjoy that. He loves doing stuff like that.

 

I have my good days and bad days. But since Saturday, I've been missing him constantly. Everyone keeps saying "he'll regret what he did to you one day. He'll see what he left behind and be so sorry." But when?

[prrthd1]

This is SO AWFUL!! Since Saturday, I have been thinking about him constantly. I can't control it. Even when I go out and do things he is on my mind. I still miss him so much and it has been 3 months now.

 

I've been prescribed anti-depressants but I haven't taken them because I feel that if I do I have given up on beating this on my own - that I've lost control. I'm considering seeing a therapist, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do either.

 

All I know is that my love for this man grows deeper everyday despite what he did to me. I pray all day long. I wake up in the middle of the night and I pray. I know it's wrong to pray for someone to come back to you when it may not be meant to be; but I do pray that if we are not meant to be that God will send someone else to take my ex's place and get my mind off of him. If we are meant to be and this is just a test, I pray for God to give me the strength and patience to wait it out. But most of all, I ask God to remind my ex of me every now and then and make him see that I genuinely care.

 

I've come to the end of the rope. I don't know how much longer I can take this. If he would just say I don't like you or it will never happen, it would be easier. But everytime I've talked to him since the split, he just talks in circles.

 

Why did he tell everybody I was the one? Why does he want to be with a 19 yr old that his family diapproves of, that isn't attractive, and to beat it all - he told me himself she was unbearably immature? How could he do that to me? I've told him how much I care about him and how bad I wanted it to work. It looks like he could at least apologize to me since he knows how bad he hurt me. Especially since he said he wanted to continue the relationship he had with my family. Does he think my family would continue to do business with him after he lied to me and cheated on me?

 

WHAT DO I DO?

[loveinlife]

Hi prrthd1,

 

Looks like you are having a really tough time managing your day to day activity bc you are so hurt by it. I know how it feels. We are so alike. My mind used to constantly think about my SO all the time. With you saying that, he would of loved to do this, yep I felt the same. I wish I could share and show my ex the happiness I am feeling. I can see that you really love this man.

 

I am sorry to hear what is happening to you. It really takes time to heal. You can love someone but you must manage to also get your life back on track. I guess, going throgh so much myself, with my ups and downs, I learned that life is not as jolly as I used to see it. Its a messed up world that I must know how to utilize my thoughts, emotionally, and physically to make it better.

 

Do you see any improvements on going through so much pain?

[prrthd1]

As far as the pain getting better, I find that I just get numb after a while. I think the reason I'm still hurting so much is because he won't address the issue of hurting me, he just talks in circles or doesn't say anything. When I pass him in the car, he just turns away. Why won't he look at me?

 

All he has said is that he wants things to be like they were before we started dating. He knows that everybody, his family and mine, knows what he did to me. Does he think they will just forget about it?

 

The least he could do is say I'm sorry for hurting you. I let him know I care about him and that this hurt me a lot. Why won't he just say that so that things can go back to normal?

[prrthd1]

Well, I just found out something interesting. My mom went to a college football game Labor Day weekend (the team my ex likes as well). He had asked her long before we broke up to bring him a shirt back. So, she did in fact buy him a shirt even though we've been broken up for three months now and he has lied to both of us. She took it by his office and he wasn't there so she left it on his desk with a note that read, "I keep my promises. Love, Mom."

 

He never even called her to say thanks, which I can't believe. He has known my mother for 7 years. Every time she has picked up something for him before he tries to pay her and thanks her a hundred times. Sure, she was getting back at him, but he deserved it. It would be one thing if they didn't know each other before we dated, then it would be a case of psycho mom. But he has confided to her about crap that could get him in serious trouble.

 

When my friend was at his business last week (the whole new truck incident I posted about previously), she said he mentioned the fact that mom had bought him a shirt. My friend said to him, "Well, she's a better person than me because if you had treated my daughter the way you treated hers I wouldn't buy you a damn thing." He said, "That wasn't very nice." She said, "Well, you haven't been very nice." LOL

 

I'm starting to get the vibe that he knows he did me wrong and feels bad about it, but is too embarassed to acknowledge it. It looks like he would want to at least thank my mom and apologize to her since he claims he loves her so much.

[swirly27]

prrthd1 - I am so sorry to hear this is going so hard for you. The only thing that really will make it better for you is TIME - and its the hardest thing to handle and deal with.

 

Try and think back to another time your heart was broken - think hard. Think to all the ways you used to think of that ex and wondering how you would get over it.....and now those thoughts don't exist for you....thats how it will be with this guy too. Its just right now you are hurt, sad, confused and none of it makes sense....and it may never. I am in the same boat with my ex where none of it makes sense and I have no clue what happened. Whats harder for you is you still hear about him, see him, and have alot of mutual friends and such. But, imagine if you dumped him and moved on......all these other factors would have no importance....but because YOU miss HIM, its all factoring in right now and driving you nuts. Our minds are crazy aren't they? :-)

 

When my heart was crushed 2 yrs ago, it took MONTHS until I stopped thinking of him and was upset - but it was in stages. In the beginning we tried to be friend, then I did NC - I gave myself 2 months and then I told myself I'd say a hello, so I had something to look forward to. Then we kept in contact again for months and then we hooked up and I felt awful and then it got to the point where he blocked me on IM - after all that, which was roughly 6-7 months, I had wished I had just done NC from the start - but I learned and him and I are on friendly terms again, his doing I might add, but I don't care or think about him like I did. I have a new ex I am hurting over. lol But, at least I 'know' I was crushed before and felt those feelings again - even though it didn't work out again. **SIGH** lol

[loveinlife]

Yeah, I am pretty sure he feels guilt. Maybe so much its hard for him to express it and show it to you. I am not sure what's the position he is in bc he is still seeing someone else. Perhaps it is too hard for him to face his own promblems. I am saying he can't face the fact that he did you so wrong. I hope one day you'll get the closure you need and find him apologizing to you, it sucks when closure is not there. Sometimes speculating helps, but don't think too much, we can decieve ourselves very easily.

 

It seems like your family is there to help you. That is a good supportive system.

[prrthd1]

I'm pretty sure he feels guilty, but maybe not enough to apologize. Then, I think maybe he really just never cared (although he did a hell of a job making me think he did). I've only called him two times since the split, and both times left nice messages saying that I need to tell him a couple of GOOD things, would he please give me a call, no pressure, no going off of him. He never returned either call. Why not? Either he doesn't care and was trying to tell me to get lost OR he doesn't know what his feelings are and he was afraid he might break down or say he loves me or something like that. I think the first choice is more likely.

 

Yeah, loveinlife, he may not be able to face his own problems. He is coming up on the one yr anniversary of his divorce. Maybe he did like me, but he's not ready to settle down again (although he told me that's what he wanted). Speculating can help, but also hurt because you twist everything around and over-analyze.

[prrthd1]

This past week has been really rough on me. It's back to him being the first thing on my mind when I wake up every morning. That doesn't make for a good start to the day.

 

I've spent much of this week in prayer. Even though it's wrong, I do pray that he will be a part of my life again; but, I mainly pray that I could find peace about all of this, no matter what happens. I pray for him too, that he will be a good dad, that his heart will heal from his divorce, that God will take care of his problems and that he will see that I do care for him.

 

I never dreamed that losing someone I love would hurt this much. I've been very blessed not to have lost anyone I'm close to. I keep thinking about the saying, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I think I became too confident that my relationship with him was going to last forever. I became too caught up in our relationship and I never stopped to thank God for bringing him into my life. This ordeal really has taught me a few things!

[scaredinlove]

This past week has been really rough on me. It's back to him being the first thing on my mind when I wake up every morning. That doesn't make for a good start to the day.

 

I've spent much of this week in prayer. Even though it's wrong, I do pray that he will be a part of my life again; but, I mainly pray that I could find peace about all of this, no matter what happens. I pray for him too, that he will be a good dad, that his heart will heal from his divorce, that God will take care of his problems and that he will see that I do care for him.

 

I never dreamed that losing someone I love would hurt this much. I've been very blessed not to have lost anyone I'm close to. I keep thinking about the saying, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I think I became too confident that my relationship with him was going to last forever. I became too caught up in our relationship and I never stopped to thank God for bringing him into my life. This ordeal really has taught me a few things!

Your post is a bit confusing for me ,did he past on or you broke up with someone?Either way just hang on in there, time and your faith you halp you heal. All the best for you.

[prrthd1]

Yeah, I guess that would be confusing if you hadn't read the whole thread - I am going through a break up, he didn't die.

[prrthd1]

I had another breakdown. I got out of the shower and went to my room to put some lotion on. I was in a hurry and I just grabbed the first bottle I saw. It was one that I hadn't used in a while, three months to be exact. As soon as I began putting it on and the smell hit me I started crying. It was the lotion I always used when I was dating him and he loved the smell of it. He said he could still smell it on his sheets after I had been there and it reminded him of me.

 

It's crazy how little things can flip the switch. I cried and was depressed for the rest of the night because of a smell.

 

Therapy here I come!

[prrthd1]

As I said in my last post, this week has been rough and I've been praying a lot. I went for a walk today and had a long talk with God. I realized I love my ex without a doubt and want to be with him more than anything, but he has a lot of healing to do first.

 

He had only been divorced six months when we started dating and he had dated one other girl before me. Then there was me and now the 19 yr old. The first girl was older than me, so it's like he's getting a younger one all the time.

 

I'm starting to realize that although he acted like he was happy about his divorce, he still has a lot of hurt over it. He told me some of the awful things his ex-wife had done when they were married and at the time I thought he was telling me because he knew I wouldn't do anything like that. Now, I think he was talking about it because he was still bothered by it.

 

So, I guess what I 'm trying to say is that I still want to be with him, but not until he is completely healed from his divorce and can give himself to me completely. After all, he did keep telling my mom that I was a good girl and he wanted to do what was right by me. Maybe that is what he meant??

[prrthd1]

Well, I start therapy on Friday. Maybe that will help me figure out why I can't let go of him. It's kinda funny because I'm the last person any of my family and friends thought would need therapy.

 

I was talking to my brother about my ex earlier and he said he never knew what exactly happened (they had gotten to be buddies). I sort of explained everything and said I was having a hard time because of all the things he said to me that ended up being lies. He said, "they weren't lies, he meant it when he said it, he just changed his mind. I've done the same thing to my girlfriend and then realized I didn't like her as much as I thought." My brother is 16. How is that a 16 yr old MALE gets this, but a 60 yr old FEMALE can't understand it?! Women tend not to say things unless they mean them, AND we women can't just turn our feelings off like that. That just goes to show that all men think alike, regardless of their age.

 

But, my brother did say he thought my ex went over the top and that he (my brother) hadn't realized how deep he (my ex) had gone.

[prrthd1]

I posted this on the "Breaking Up" board, but thought I'd put it here too.

 

I find out something new everyday.

 

The wife of my ex's best friend called my office today. (This is not unusual. Our offices do business with each other). I have talked to her a few times since the break-up, but neither of us mentioned it. It was like we wanted to and it was awkward, but we didn't. I got to know her and her husband pretty well. I was at their house a few times and we all went out together, etc.

 

She was talking to my mom and asked how I was doing. (I have no idea how she found out I was having a hard time). Mom told her it had been rough and that nobody saw it coming or knew why, etc. She told mom how much they all liked me and how much fun we had, blah blah blah. She said they never see my ex anymore. She said her husband only sees him at work and she never sees him. Mom said, "That girl must have a little hold on him." She replied, "A little! More like a lot!"

 

They were his best friends and now he has stopped hanging around them since he started dating this girl. I don't get it!? It's like he has changed completely.

[prrthd1]

Well, first of all I started therapy today. The first session wasn't that eventful. The therapist said we skipped most of the first session stuff because I had already analyzed myself so well and I know what I NEED to do. I'm going to continue to go. I think it will help in the long run.

 

Secondly, I talked to the lady, let's call her K, that I mentioned in my previous post. She called yesterday and I answered this time. I told her thanks for asking about me and she said she didn't know what was going on with my ex. She said it's like he's completely different since he started dating the 19 yr old. She also said that she had run into my ex's parents one night and his mom commented that they never see K anymore. She told his mom to ask him (ex) about that and his mom asked what she (K) meant. K told his mom that the "little girl has a pretty tight hold on him." K said his mom just rolled her eyes and said she didn't even want to talk about it. K said she was clearly upset.

 

Anyway, we talked about the situation for a few minutes and she said how much everybody liked me and we had fun, etc. She asked me to go out to lunch with her one day. I like her and her husband (ex's best friend) so I see no reason not to associate with them. (Plus, it would be funny if I hang out with his friends, especially with a new bf).

[prrthd1]

I got asked out last night and I said yes and now I'm panicking. I don't know why I did that. He is a friend of some friends. Don't get me wrong, the guy is very cute and seems nice; but I'm SO not ready. I hung out with him in a group last night and we hit it off, but I find myself thinking about my ex constantly when I'm with another guy. It's like the more I'm around other men, the more I realize how comfortable that relationship was and how much I love my ex.

 

I don't know what to do. I told him I would go out with him tonight, and I will, but I feel miserable about it.

[garnet]

well, I think it's good that you're going out with him. Just think of it as an opportunity to make a new friend and treat it very casually. If the subject of dating comes up, just be honest with him with where you are right now.

 

Feel flattered that someone asked you out, and have fun. I think it will do you good to be out and not sitting around thinking about the ex.