I Hurt So Bad!

[Guest]

why are women so STUPID!!

[swirly27]

why are women so STUPID!!

 

Well I think this is an ignorant post and no one here needs to hear stuff like this. EVERYONE makes mistakes and if this guy pretended to be something he wasn't, she's not stupid for not seeing that, its just something she needs to learn to be more careful of next time. No need for the mean-ness though on this site.

[prrthd1]

Yeah, not sure I get the post from Guest. Women are not stupid. They just see and interpret things differently than men. I've known my ex for years and he always seemed like a decent person. Why should I have assumed any differently? It wasn't like I met him one day, fell in love the next, and assumed he was genuine in his actions. I had a bit of a past history to go on.

 

Anyway, I went out with the new guy last night. I think he is good looking and nice and we had fun, but there is definitely no spark there. This is probably partially my fault because I am resisting a complete return to my old self. I feel like if I go back to normal, I'm saying that I don't care about my ex anymore. This is typical behavior according to my therapist. LOL

 

So he asked to see me again and I probably will hang out with him. My only problem is that he is very touchy. After dinner we went to his house to watch a movie and he was "hands on" right away. At first I was thinking "I see what this guy is all about and he's not gonna get it from me." Don't get me wrong, it was.....nice. He knew all the right places to caress - neck, collar bone, ears, that place on your side where your shirt meets your pants. However, I got away much easier than I thought I would. I was kinda shocked actually.

 

BUT, I did find myself thinking about my ex a lot when I was with this guy. I just realized how everything about that relationship was comfortable and felt right and I felt passion every time I was with him. I don't see myself ever being crazy about this guy.

 

I find myself singing Sinead O'Connor in my head........."Nothing compares, nothing compares, nothing compares to you."

[prrthd1]

I have to go to his business on Thursday. We both knew this would happen, which is why I thought if we ever broke up it would be peaceful and we would remain friends. Silly me!

 

Anyway, I plan on looking really good that day. I'm going to try my best to be all smiles and appear confident and sexy. IMO that is the best thing to do.

 

However, when my mom has had to go to his business since the break-up, she has made sure that she goes on his off day. She feels like we should avoid him. I think that by avoiding him we are making it easy on him. He is the one that said he wanted things to be the way they were before we dated. Before we dated we usually saw him at least once or twice a month, so why should it be any different now?

 

What do ya'll think? Should I do like mom and go when he won't be there or should I go when the need arises and not worry about avoiding him?

[garnet]

who cares how it does or doesn't look to him. The important thing is how you feel about it. If you feel it's going to set you back or cause you pain, I definitely wouldn't do it.

[D-Lish]

I agree with Garnet.

If it will cause you to have a set-back to run into him- avoid running into him!

 

trust me, I thought I was doing fine after my ex and I broke up. He came to pick up his things three weeks later and seeing him caused me a whole whack of pain all over again. It took me another couple weeks to get back to feeling "just okay" again!

 

My ex has completely cut off all contact with me- no phone calls or texts, no e-mails...nothing. It kills me inside, but I know it's better not to see him.

 

Good luck with your decision. Just be prepared that this could cause a set back for you.

 

D

[prrthd1]

Being that I work two buildings up from him, I see him standing outside all the time. So I'm not really worried about it upsetting me. Nor do I care what he thinks about it - I'm thinking about me.

 

I've been in his business a couple of times since the break-up and I saw him both times. The first time he was really friendly (this is when I thought we were still just "taking a break"). The second time I pulled in and he got up from where he was sitting and came out to talk to me and attempted to be friendly this time as well (by this time he knew that I knew he was dating someone else). I kept it short and sweet and all business. I still couldn't look at him without hurting at that time. So, it won't be the first time I've had contact since the split.

 

What I'm most concerned about is how it will make me look? I don't care at all what he thinks about it or how it will affect him. But I do know other people that work there and I don't want to come off as desperate or look like I'm trying to catch his eye or anything. Make sense?

[D-Lish]

Hmmm,

 

Do you want him back at all? Any part of you hoping for a reconciliation?

Because on one hand you're saying you don't care what he thinks and that you're okay with seeing him- but on the other hand, you're still questioning how the contact should be handled.

 

If seeing him doesn't bother you- then you don't have to worry about what anyone thinks. And also, you don't have to worry about avoiding him or not.

 

If it doesn't bug you, then just go whenever your work schedule dictates.

 

You're not going to look desperate if you go when he is there.

Who cares what other people think anyway- it's what you think that matters!

 

I couldn't handle seeing my ex all the time... I'm glad we live in different cities!

[prrthd1]

I see where you're coming from D-Lish - and the truth is YES, I do want him back. I want to reconcile with him and pick up where we left off. BUT, I do not want to be with him as he is now. I don't mean I want him to change at all. I would never be with anybody that had to change as a person to make me love them. What I mean is that I want to be with him when I know that he is over his divorce and is ready to commit and settle down again. We both knew that our relationship was heading there and I'm certain he wasn't ready for that yet. I only want to be with him if he is certain that I'm the one he wants and is through "sowing his oats," so to speak.

 

Seeing him does not bother me like it used to. I've said what I needed to say to him (although it had to be in an email because he was to chicken**** to talk directly to me). I have nothing to say to him the way things stand right now.

 

So, I probably will go tomorrow because that is what works best for me. If I see him, I see him. If I don't, I don't. I seriously doubt that he going to initiate a conversation with me and I definitely won't with him - so I guess there's nothing to worry about really.

 

I really don't care what the other people that I know that work there will think, per say. They know me and like me already. I just don't want them to view my coming in there looking good as an attempt to get at my ex. That will only make me look like a fool.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

What do ya'll think? Should I do like mom and go when he won't be there or should I go when the need arises and not worry about avoiding him?

 

If it was me, I'd go whenever the need araised, and I'd wear what I usually do (maybe a fix myself up but just a bit). And I'd just talk to him, how is the new gf? I miss you... whatever.

 

(Must be fun to live in that town of yours with all that gossip going around).

 

Ariadne

[prrthd1]

I think you're totally right Ariadne. I think going when I need to and acting normal is the best thing to do.

 

And yes, it is TORTURE to live in a small town where you know everything about everybody. The population is about 50,000 - but it's still small enough that gossip spreads easily. We work close to each other, we know each other's families, and we have mutual friends. Word gets around pretty fast.

[prrthd1]

Well I went over there today and I don't know if he saw me or not. The building is really big and there are lots of places that he could have been standing and be able to see me. I just tried not to look around as if I was searching for him. I went straight in and straight out both times. I looked good and smiled at everyone I knew and tried to seem as normal as possible. I actually hope that he saw me, but I definitely didn't want to see him and make eye contact.

 

It actually wasn't hard at all. From now on, I plan on just going over when it's convenient and not worrying about it.

[D-Lish]

That's a good attitude.

 

I see where you're coming from about not wanting to be with him until he gets his stuff together.

 

And the looking good and acting unphased and happy when you go there is an excellent way of handling it.

 

:-)

 

D

[prrthd1]

Thanks, D-Lish. I know it's crazy to want to be with someone who has done this to me and turned his back on me. And even worse, he turned his back on my mom who has been a close friend of his for six or seven years. Sometimes I think he feels bad about everything but is too embarassed to deal with it.

 

The thing is, I would have been much harder on him had he not have only been divorced six months when we started dating. So, as hurt as I am I have to take that into consideration and I have been worried about what is going on with him. I love him and I want him to do what is best for his daughter because she needs to be his number one priority. Plus, his mother said she thinks he got too serious about me and all his friends agree with me that he doesn't know what he wants but that he isn't ready for anything serious yet.

 

And again, I know it's crazy to feel all of this about someone I only dated for two months but it feels like longer than that. We didn't have to go through the whole getting to know each other and becoming comfortable with each other stuff. We were already at that point when we started dating so things progressed a lot faster. Make sense?

[prrthd1]

My ex called my best friend (a travel agent) today to go over his airline tickets and make sure he had everything straight for his hunting trip that he leaves for in the morning.

 

This just pisses me off. He has called her two or three times since we broke up. He met her through me. He could have used a different agent. How can he call her and be all nice and normal? Does he think she just forgot everything he did to me? He knows how close we are and that she'll tell me she talked to him. ARGH!!!

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

He knows how close we are and that she'll tell me she talked to him. ARGH!!!

 

Yeah... Well, most likely they told him that you were at his work yesterday too (if he didn't see you).

 

And that sucks about that 19 year old. It seems like he wanted to play the field a bit, kind of like those guys that go in a mid-life crisis and start dating 20 year olds. Who knows.

 

Maybe he'll be back. Maybe the 19 year old is fun for a while but it'll get boring eventually.

 

I guess time will tell.. I kind of got stuck in a similar situation, I was with a guy that I had everything in common with, almost like we shared the same brain, and he went with some girl that would get to my nerves in less than a day. Go figure that one.

 

Ariadne

[prrthd1]

I don't know if he knows I was at his work yesterday or not; but, I was going there regularly 5 yrs before we started dating. He didn't meet my friend until after we started dating.

 

As for the 19 yr old, I don't really see what they could have in common. And I know I wouldn't have wanted to be with a 34 yr old man with a child when I was 19. The thing is, I'm only 23 so there's not that much difference in our ages. The difference is MATURITY. My ex and his family thought I was about 26 or 27 when we started dating. She goes around egging cars.

 

His family and friends have told me that this won't last with her, but they've been together 3 months now. That doesn't mean he'll come back to me if it doesn't work with her. But however it works out I care about him and I don't want to see him screw his life up.

 

Maybe he'll have some time sitting out in the woods to think about what he really wants. From what I hear, he never gets a free minute from her. Plus, his dad will be with him and I know for a fact that his dad doesn't think highly of the 19 yr old. (He loves me. HAHA!) Maybe he'll get a lecture.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

As for the 19 yr old, I don't really see what they could have in common.

 

Well, maybe she's exciting or makes him feel young or is pretty to look at. Who knows. Seems like he wanted to play the field more than anything after the divorce. (Not so much after that great love but lust and fun, I'd say).

 

Well, what can you do. Doubt the sitting in the forest is going to do much good, I'm afraid. When guys are like that no meditating or words with the father are going to make any difference. Maybe time will.

 

Kind of like the way it is. But you've been doing a good job at keeping it together and doing your job well anyway, so kudos for that.

 

(And I wish "someone" would tell me about my guy, because since he got together with her I haven't heard from him, so your town is not bad after all )

 

Ariadne

[prrthd1]

Well, maybe she's exciting or makes him feel young or is pretty to look at.

 

Exciting, maybe. Makes him feel young, possibly (Although he did tell me he had started taking mega doses of vitamins to keep up with me - if ya know what I mean. I'd like to think I made him feel young too). Pretty to look at - not so from what I hear. I've only seen her from a distance, but she didn't look like a beauty queen. However, I know several people who've seen her up close and they're all like "she's not even cute." I think it has to do with the fact that a 19 yr old was pursuing him more than anything. She knew he was with me and still wouldn't give up. His friend said she thinks the girl just kept bugging him and he gave in.

 

You're right, though. I've finally accepted that there's nothing I can do about it. I told him I care about him and I wish that it had worked out. That's all I can do. Anything further is up to him.

 

As for the small town thing, sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not. On one hand, I get to hear about how much his family and friends dislike her and they all think I am prettier and nicer. They all say he will regret this one day, yadayadayada. On the other hand, I also hear about them being out together and going to church and my uncle works with my ex so I know the girl is at their work a lot. That is the stuff that hurts.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

As for the small town thing, sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.

 

Yes, I know what you mean.

 

The only way I could know anything about him was to read "her" blog, which was full of love declarations, and how happy she was, and how lucky, and how much he loved her, and the things he bought her, and what not.

 

So I stopped going there months ago too... I rather not know than to read that :( :( :( :(

 

(He also has a blog but he barely writes since he got together with her)

 

Ariadne (sigh... love)

[prrthd1]

The only way I could know anything about him was to read "her" blog, which was full of love declarations, and how happy she was, and how lucky, and how much he loved her, and the things he bought her, and what not.

 

OMG, I was doing the same thing! BIG MISTAKE! I went to her webpage and from reading that I think he may have started seeing her the last week of our relationship. OUCH! I tried every way I could to get onto her blog. I even had a girl I know request to be her friend so I could look at it. That didn't work and looking back I'm glad. The 19 yr old logs on to her blog everyday and I'm sure there's stuff about him and probably pictures, etc. That would have killed me so I'm glad I didn't look at it. At the time I just wanted to get all the scoop I could. Then I thought "STOP!" I'd rather not know than to know and be miserable about it.

 

Some things I want to know - like him not being able to hang out with his friends because he knows they don't like her and his family being upset. Other things just hurt too much.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I even had a girl I know request to be her friend so I could look at it.

 

Hahahaha

 

The 19 yr old logs on to her blog everyday and I'm sure there's stuff about him and probably pictures, etc.

 

Yeah, she had a whole bunch of pictures there too, some of them together, and some of his house (that I was there a year ago today btw) that now is "her" house since she moved in with him and got engaged.

 

Sigh... such the luck,

 

Ariadne

[prrthd1]

Well, I do feel a little better that most of the people that know both of us say things won't last with her - that he's sowing his oats, or he knows he won't get serious about her, or he's trying to get at his ex-wife by jumping from young girl to young girl. I don't know but time will tell. He's actually been with her longer than he was with me.

 

Meanwhile, I'm left to wonder if what we had was as special as I thought it was. Does he say those things to every girl or did he mean it when he told my mom, his friend of 7 yrs, that he knew I was the one? Does the comfort and bonding I felt with his family happen with every girl he dates? Was the passion I felt for him one-sided? I just don't see how he could let this keep him from talking to my mom after all she has done for him. Is it embarassment? Does he just not want to have to say I don't like your daughter anymore?

 

My mom says she has always felt that he would come back eventually, even if it's a year from now. But there again, four years ago my mom told her best friend that she thought my ex would be her son-in-law one day - and he was married with a baby on the way at that time. Strange. But all of that can't keep me from trying to move on.

 

I honestly would feel better if he would dump the 19 yr old for any other girl. It's the fact that he knew her months before we started dating and swore he wasn't interested in her and that she was pestering him. WHY DID HE BOTHER WITH ME? That's the big question.