hotchildinthecity Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 There. I said it. It feels so good to get it out. I am so ridden with guilt. My husband is every girls dream. He's responsible, reliable, caring, loving, and funny. When he came around, I think I was infatuated with him in the beginning but it never grew into love. Looking back, I just wasn't into him but I didn't have the courage to break it off. That plus I'm really overweight and I was afraid I'd never have another chance. Other countries have arranged marriages and they learn to love. Is that possible? Is love something we have no control over? It just slaps us upside our heads and we have no say? We have no major problems. We get along, we communicate, we're best friends. I thought that's all i'd ever need and now i'm not so sure. It just seems like "it" isn't there. I'm not even sure if "it" exists or if i'd ever find it if I left him. I know I made a mistake but I'd do anything to save my marriage. I cut off my arm if I knew that would do it. I love him I was just never "in love" with him. Is there any chance for us? I would do anything to make this work... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I love him I was just never "in love" with him. ... ok HCITC...you explain the above stmt and then i'll give you my answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 Other countries have arranged marriages and they learn to love. Is that possible? Absolutely Is love something we have no control over? Not necessarily. Maybe you can talk to some people who are in arranged marriages and ask what they do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 No. Tell him the truth and let him go so he can find a woman who will love him the way he deserves. It's not fair for you to stay in a marriage when you aren't fully inlove with the other person. The only thing you could do is go to marriage counselling, but honestly, if you aren't "feeling" it for him, I doubt you ever will.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotchildinthecity Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 ok HCITC...you explain the above stmt and then i'll give you my answer. I can't explain it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I can't explain it. i thought so... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotchildinthecity Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 i thought so... Please alpha...explain more. Really, I'm just so sad here and I'd do anything to make my marriage work. Please, give me your insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I understand where you're coming from. I am kinda in the same predicament. I love and care for my husband deeply. I could never hurt him. I like spending time with him. everyone says we're a good fit. But in reality, there's no "spark". Never has been. Often it is quiet, but pleasant-but sometimes the lonliness kills me. We have kids and i am staying. i will not split my family up. There are too many lives that would be affected if i left. I cannot do it by myself. But many times my life has been a solitary existence. I have told myself many times that I can live without "being in love". I was once, when I was younger. I'm forcing myself to let go, because it's not important. I made this mistake-but it would be a bigger one to leave. It has caused alot problems. I am very depressed. Sometimes I can't sleep-because I feel as though i've ruined my life. I had a problem with pills for a while-but I am a mother of two young children and I will not make them suffer because i made a bad decision. I am still young and I hope i can learn to "be in love" with this man. I am desperately searching my heart for that right now. i am seeing a counselor about this-as it has been bothering me alot lately. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 Please alpha...explain more. sorry but this is not in my realm of expertise. i will refer you to my colleague WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I am curious as to how long you have been married... In general, I would agree with whichwayisup in terms of being fair to the other person but be sure of your own feelings first. Have you ever been "in love"? Some people don't ever get that certain whatever, I was engaged to such a person who was very honest about it...he loved me but had never had that feeling that he would call "in love". We broke up, but years later (we remain friends) he told me that in retrospect I was the closest he had ever gotten to feeling that way. Oops! Too late!! I think you should do a lot of soul searching on this one. Do you "fake it"? I mean, do you act as though you are "in love"? Do you feel like you are more or less being deceitful? Or does he seem content with a less demonstrative relationship? I wouldn't just come right out and say "I am not in love with you" without doing a lot more thinking about it...it isn't fair to keep someone in a one-sided relationship but I do think you should think it through pretty thoroughly... Link to post Share on other sites
orleannaprice Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 i also married someone i wasn't in love with. my reasons were: security, he's a good person, he'd be a great father, i don't want to take the chance of being hurt by allowing myself to be "in love", i can be in control of the relationship if my emotions don't cloud my judgment. well, the whole thing is terrible. we've been married over 10 years, and i'm sorry to say, no amount of trying on my part has created any love for him. i've tried everything and it has never worked. i care for him, but am not in love with him. stupid me went out and started an affair last year, just thinking i'll do it for the sex/excitement. boy did i have blinders on. guess who fell in love? it's a painful situation which has no happy ending. the most responsible, logical solution is to end the marriage, let him find someone who will truly love him, and let you find yourself, so that you can find someone who truly loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 What is it that you expect from the marriage? What needs is he not meeting of yours? Sexual attraction, major lust? Does he not turn you on in the bedroom? Seems he is a good man, and is your bestfriend. He is everything you described, but you don't feel that passion for him that a wife is supposed to feel for her husband. Can I ask then, WHY you got married? Were you two pressured into it by your parents/friends? All I can say is, if you want to stay married, to try to "love" him in way you expect yourself to feel, try counselling...Or sex therapy. I don't know how to help you, you need to give more detail of your feelings for him...Or non-feelings. Like, does he make you have orgasms? Do you feel intimacy for him? Any sexual passion? The problem with staying with someone if you're not inlove is, it leaves your heart open to falling for someone else, because a HUGE need of yours isn't being met...Your heart. And it would be terrible if you had an affair, now knowing that you aren't inlove with him. Can I ask? What is YOUR defination of feeling "inlove." What does this relationship compare to others that you had in the past? Or what other expectations did you have and now you realize i'ts not what you thought? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I dunno. My Mom says that she wasn't passionately in love with my Dad when they first married. They didn't even come from the same culture. but the grew to love each other very deeply. If your heart is open, anything is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 How do you know that you are not having the "in love" feeling if you have never felt it before? Personally , I don't think I've ever been head over heels "in love" either .I don't think it fits with the person I am , Im too cerebral .I do love who I'm with and have loved people before , but it's more of a respect ,admiration, and caring than anything else . I can't even figure out what the whole "in love" thing is about ,people being willing to go against their good sense and make poor choices is all I seem to see people doing with this "in love" and no one seems to be wildly inlove beyond the first few months or untill the other person gets ready to leave. Maybe I just don't get oit either . Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotchildinthecity Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 I got married cause the relationship was good and I had no reason to break up with him. He is everything I wanted in a father and husband. I had a feeling something was not right but I dismissed it. Everyone told me it was a good move. I started to lurk at boards like these to figure out what the problem was. I guess I just don't feel passion for him. Everything in the bedroom is good but I don't have those "I'm gonna die without you feelings" I've heard so many others discribe. We've been married for a year and a half after a very short engagment. BTW- I'm told him how I feel and basically he wants to give it more time to see if anything changes. I have nothing to compare it too as I don't think i've ever had those feelings for anyone. I don't have much time tonight but I'll try to answer more of the questions asked tomorrow. Thanks you so much to everyone who took the time to help me. You're really doing so much for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 "I'm gonna die without you feelings" I've heard so many others discribe. Um. That's not being in love. That's an unhealthy addiction to someone else. You don't want to be in one of those situations - it's 99% pain, jealousy, and frustration and about .5% pleasure. Do a search on 'romantic love companionate love' and read the articles. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 I had a feeling something was not right but I dismissed it That was your gut instinct telling you something...That something which you now know...You're not "inlove" with your husband in a passionate way. I guess I just don't feel passion for him. Everything in the bedroom is good but I don't have those "I'm gonna die without you feelings" I've heard so many others discribe. The "I'm going to die without you feelings" meaning - The intensity someone else 'could' make you feel in the bedroom, and out of the bedroom? Also, does he bring out the best in you as a person? Challenge you, make you feel good about yourself? Does he make you laugh? Is he supportive, caring and understanding? See, these are things that are long lasting, slow burning love that lasts forever...OFcourse it's great when passion is there all the time in the bedroom, but eventually that intensity fades...It comes back, then fades...Problem is, it wasn't there to begin with. Question is - Can you MAKE it happen. That, I haven't a clue. I understand why you're sad, ofcourse you love him, care about him and his well being, but DOES he make a difference in your life? If he walked out of your life tomorrow, would you be OK? Could you survive on your own emotionally? (I'm not talking about money, or feeling lonely, I'm talking about your heart.) If the answer is what I think it is, then yes, HEAD to counselling. I'm told him how I feel and basically he wants to give it more time to see if anything changes. How did he feel when you told him? Was he upset? Or is it possible he feels the same way as you? The good thing is, he knows abit what is going on inside you. Keep talking and being honest. Last thing you want to do is hide how you feel. Do you two have children yet? (or if you did, I missed it) I know you've not been married long, so one thing, don't have kids to see if it will make things better. It won't. You're welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 HCITC, I had started a long response with more food for thought etc then saw you had posted again in the meantime. After reading your most recent post, I believe I have nailed your problem: you are sane, thoughtful and mature. And so is your husband. You should thank your lucky stars that you do not have "I'm gonna die without..." feelings. I have had them and they suck. I have outgrown them, thank God... I guess my next question is, where did you get the idea that your sense of love for your husband is inadequate? From Hollywood? Or is there something really within you that feels unfulfilled? As I stated in my earlier post, I have known people who by their nature don't experience love as this head over heels insanity thing. Generally, it doesn't bother them until it somehow gets conveyed to them that there's something wrong with that. You said that you had a feeling that something wasn't quite right when you married - was that with HIM or getting married at all? You said you hadn't had "that feeling" (passion) for anyone before...that makes me wonder how old you are. I think it makes a big difference in your situation...that is, I think it would be an indicator as to whether you don't experience love that way, vs it just hasn't happened to you yet. Your husband seems able to accept your feelings and ride it out with you. That sounds really positive to me. Listen, in the end, our experience of "love" is a reflection of our own personalities, self-image and all that. This world and these boards are full of people, including myself, who take their quirks and combine them with someone else's to create a relationship and there's a hell of a lot of dysfunction going around. If that is the piece that is missing, you're a lucky girl. Nobody can provide you with the answer that you need except for you. But I do think the question is, are you really unfulfilled, or just questioning whether you are supposed to be feeling something else because of what you hear from other people, see on tv, etc. It is great that you are looking for input, and input can be very valuable...someone can make a point or share an experience that will make you go "aha"! Your marriage sure sounds like it has a ton of potential to me...but the truth is within you. I applaud you for trying to do the right thing by yourself and your husband and trust that you will figure out what that is. Best to you. Please keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubber_Chicken Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 Were you rebounding ? Maybe there was still someone else in the back of your mind when you said yes to marriage. If you were then the feelings of love and the chemical reaction was from the previous guy Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 stupid me went out and started an affair last year, just thinking i'll do it for the sex/excitement. boy did i have blinders on. guess who fell in love? So, by the above statement you are saying that sex is love! Love is a sexual feeling and nothing more. You can love a man you had an affair with but you can't love your H, but you care for him and had his children? If someone can explain this concept to me I would appreciate it. If you love someone you love all of them. Not just sex but all that is in and about them. You cannot love a sexual feeling and call that love. Love is much deeper and more profound that some excitement or lust. You can feel passion but that is not love. The words love and in love have little meaning to men. Either you love someone or you just care for them. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 What is love really and why does it seem so easy to fall and fall out of it? Before you ponder that, reflect on this. Do you fall out love with your mom and dad? Do you fall out of love for your brothers and sisters? Do you fall out of love for your children? Why should it be any different with your spouse. Here's why because we are lead to believe that romantic love is this all emcompassing feeling that makes our heart throb, head swoon, and buckles the knees. We are daily bombarded with these images and messages of what romantic love is suppose to be from fancy pants suits in Hollywood, romance novelists, and sappy loved straved musicians. But what happens when the over-exaggerated images, words, and songs from the large/small screen, books/magazines, and songs dont seem to match the less intensive feelings you have for someone. Well your not truely 'in love' with that person. Perhaps romantic love is nothing more then the same comfortable and grounded feelings you experience when your with your parents, siblings, or close friends. Feelings such as respect, admiration, trust, and a personal sense of security. If you dont even have those feelings for your husband then you should just go your seperate ways now. Link to post Share on other sites
PCB Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 Hotchildinthecity, You sound similar to my wife. She finally ended up cheating, and now we are getting divorced. Perhaps you take your husband for granted. He always does what you want, right? He's there for you and always supporting you, right? Maybe you just don't appreciate him. Maybe you never had to win him over, and so he's an easy catch for you. If you really want to save the marriage, so much that you would give your arm, then do something for him extraordinary. Cook for him some great meal. Make him feel special, because maybe he's looking for it desperately. If you feel that doing this extraordinaty thing is too much work, then cut the poor guy loose. PCB Link to post Share on other sites
orleannaprice Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 So, by the above statement you are saying that sex is love! Love is a sexual feeling and nothing more. You can love a man you had an affair with but you can't love your H, but you care for him and had his children? If someone can explain this concept to me I would appreciate it. If you love someone you love all of them. Not just sex but all that is in and about them. You cannot love a sexual feeling and call that love. Love is much deeper and more profound that some excitement or lust. You can feel passion but that is not love. The words love and in love have little meaning to men. Either you love someone or you just care for them. i never stated sex is love. that's your implication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotchildinthecity Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 I dunno. My Mom says that she wasn't passionately in love with my Dad when they first married. They didn't even come from the same culture. but the grew to love each other very deeply. If your heart is open, anything is possible. This gives me some hope. I confided in my grandmother and she told me she was not in love with grand dad when they married but she grew to love him over time. When he died, she almost went with him. My heart is very open. I want this more then anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotchildinthecity Posted September 3, 2006 Author Share Posted September 3, 2006 That was your gut instinct telling you something...That something which you now know...You're not "inlove" with your husband in a passionate way. How did he feel when you told him? Was he upset? Or is it possible he feels the same way as you? The good thing is, he knows abit what is going on inside you. Keep talking and being honest. Last thing you want to do is hide how you feel. Do you two have children yet? (or if you did, I missed it) I know you've not been married long, so one thing, don't have kids to see if it will make things better. It won't. I now know it was my gut but was too naive to realize it at the time. I thought I have a great man and that's all I needed. When I told him he started to cry. But - he did tell me that at one point in our relationship he did question his love for me. I moved cross country to be with him so he committed to me. When he did, his love for me started to grow. We're both 30 and we have no children. I want them, but obviously will wait until this is worked out (if it can be). Link to post Share on other sites
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