I married someone I wasn't "in love" with

[hotchildinthecity]

I guess my next question is, where did you get the idea that your sense of love for your husband is inadequate? From Hollywood? Or is there something really within you that feels unfulfilled?

Mostly from hollywood and BB's like this one. I never "just knew" he was the one. I never felt i'd die without him. I wasn't on cloud nine when we married. It seems like other married people have these feelings. And yes, on some level I do feel unfilled or that something is missing cause I don't have these feelings for my husband.

[hotchildinthecity]

Perhaps romantic love is nothing more then the same comfortable and grounded feelings you experience when your with your parents, siblings, or close friends. Feelings such as respect, admiration, trust, and a personal sense of security.

 

If you dont even have those feelings for your husband then you should just go your seperate ways now.

I have those comfortable feelings for my husband. My heart just tells me I'm not "in love" (whatever that means)

[hotchildinthecity]

Hotchildinthecity,

 

You sound similar to my wife. She finally ended up cheating, and now we are getting divorced.

Well, I may sound like her but I'm not her. I would NEVER and I mean NEVER cheat on my husband. I have too much respect for him to do that. As a rule, I care for his feelings more then my own and would never go there. I cook and clean for him all the time.

 

I take my commitment to my husband very seriously. I plan on doing everything in my power to make this marriage a successful one.

[reservoirdog1]

HCITC... you sound like my XW, except that she DID cheat, numerous times.

 

When we married ten years ago, I was in love with her. I felt certain that I'd found the most amazing woman on earth, that it was absolutely meant to be. When we first decided to marry I had some trepidations (mostly about the fact that we were pretty young), but by the wedding date they'd evaporated. As far as I was concerned, we were soulmates.

 

Turns out, she had massive fundamental doubts... cared about me but wasn't "in love" with me. She went ahead with it because she saw in me a bunch of traits that, intellectually, she SHOULD have been happy with: loving partner, good person, great future father to our kids, stable individual. (In that limited regard, she was right, because I am all of those things.) The other (unstated) reason was, I think, that I came from a family that just happened to have roots in the "right" part of town for somebody who harboured her desire for social and political advancement. We weren't a wealthy family by any means, but I think to her there was a certain cache associated with my parents living (geographically) where they did. So, she went ahead with it. Fast forward seven years (to three years ago) and I learned that she'd been a serial cheat, starting during the engagement. To say I was devastated would be to put it mildly. We're now divorced, and I'm a single dad of two kids.

 

I've wished many times in the last three years that she'd simply let me go ten years ago, when she knew it wasn't the right thing to do. But she didn't. It took two and a half years before I could actually speak to her with anything more than cold civility (and, often, pretty clear hostility) in my tone of voice.

 

The point is, your husband deserves to know the truth. He deserves somebody who loves him wholeheartedly, who wakes up in the morning, looks over at him and thinks "I'm the luckiest woman in the world." You can't help how you feel -- it's what you do in response to your feelings that matters.

 

Please, tell him the truth. Maybe the marriage can be fixed. Maybe it can't. But at least you will have given him the opportunity to try to make it something you want, and if not, to find somebody who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.

[penkitten]

when is the last time you had a romantic getaway just the two of you for say a week?

sounds like your marriage bank needs a good depoist in this sort of account.

[stoopid_guy]

I got married cause the relationship was good and I had no reason to break up with him. He is everything I wanted in a father and husband. I had a feeling something was not right but I dismissed it.

I would NEVER and I mean NEVER cheat on my husband. I have too much respect for him to do that.

[hotchildinthecity]

Please, tell him the truth. Maybe the marriage can be fixed. Maybe it can't. But at least you will have given him the opportunity to try to make it something you want, and if not, to find somebody who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.

Please read the whole thread. I've already stated that I've told him how I feel.

[PCB]

Well, I may sound like her but I'm not her. I would NEVER and I mean NEVER cheat on my husband. I have too much respect for him to do that.

 

Yes, you are not her, but you still sound like her, sorry. A few years ago she sweared that she would never cheat on me and that I was the most important. But she changed.

 

It's nice to hear, though, that you are committed and that you want to make the marriage work. I believe it's all about the good will: if you both have it, you'll make it work. Good luck!

[MrsHellFire]

It's hard enough building a foundation with someone you are in love with.

 

There are so many people getting married for all the wrong reasons these days. The #1 reason to get married should be that you are in love with the person.

Or else you will never be fully satisfied and sometimes not act in selfless manners for your spouse.

 

Also, it is easy to decide " i grew up" when you are no longer in love. Anyone can say that.. until they fall in love again, if that ever happens.

"True" love is not easy to find either.

[Marcus1963]

i blieve you can fall in love with someone if you want to fall in love with them.....but give it a few more months up to a year to see how it goes

if IT is not there then divorce him

is he good in bed?

[Yamaha]

Love is a choice.

 

Love is a commitment that you make.

 

You have to make a decision every day of your life to stay with that person, through good or bad, even if you don’t feel like you love them anymore...because you’re not always going to. You like hanging out with someone, spending time with them, you like what they wear, their hair, the little wrinkle they get between their eyes when they’re mad, or they way they curl their lip when trying not to laugh. But like can be fickle. It is based on mere feelings, and no real intention. It’s easy to say goodbye to someone you simply like – because you believe there are others out there just like or better than them.

 

Herein lies the difference between like and love.

 

 

Love is choosing to be with someone.

 

Love is seeing someone for who they are, baggage, bad hair and all, and still being able to look them in the eye and say: “I love you”. Love is acceptance, understanding, patience, friendship, endurance...all those things that sound so boring when you’re 18 and horny but that suddenly becomes so important when you come ‘of age’

 

Love requires trust. The most basic foundation of trust in a relationship is knowing that your partner will not leave you, no matter what happens. There are always going to be others more attractive, more intelligent, maybe even more compatible, others that you are attracted to. But love means you’ve committed to a choice and you need to follow through and see where it takes you.

 

Most people who have been in love say it takes time. The true test of love lies in what happens after infatuation fades and passion settles.

 

There... I've said my peace on LOVE and being IN-LOVE.

[LittleLady]

You have to make a decision every day of your life to stay with that person, through good or bad, even if you don’t feel like you love them anymore...because you’re not always going to.

 

 

Big difference here. This woman never was in love with her husband in the first place.

They have kids together and everything. So obviously enough time has elapsed. NO offense, but the jig is up!

[blind_otter]

This gives me some hope. I confided in my grandmother and she told me she was not in love with grand dad when they married but she grew to love him over time. When he died, she almost went with him. My heart is very open. I want this more then anything.

 

Maybe you are unsure of yourself? You label this as a lack of "in love" feelings, but I don't think that what you've described is relaly "love" per se -- I've felt those feelings, too, but they tend to be more painful, desperate, and heart wrenching. Not something to idealize. I did, when I was younger. I thought that all consuming love was the ideal.

 

My mother says, marry someone you are good friends with. That you love and respect, who challenges you to be a better person, who is a good husband, father, provider, who respects you and respects himself. The love will come. And it will be real love, because it will be much deeper and more enduring than any initial flash of passion could ever be...

[Rob In NC]

Geez, how can people get themselves in this situation, getting married to someone they aren't in love with? My ex is in the same boat. The whole institution of marriage is FUBAR.

[hotchildinthecity]

Geez, how can people get themselves in this situation, getting married to someone they aren't in love with? My ex is in the same boat.

This is supposed to be helpful??? It must be nice to be perfect. You've never made a mistake? As I've said, I knew something was not right but didn't know exactly what that was. I'm doing everything in my power to make my marriage work.

 

Thanks to those who actually gave some nice words and some helpful advice. But things such as "the jig is up" really is not helping me. I thought this was a support board but some of these responses are just mean. I mean you guys are responding to someone with feelings, ya know?

 

I won't visit here again. My husband and I going into thearpy and we're going to work this out.

[Yamaha]

My husband and I going into thearpy and we're going to work this out.

 

Good luck and I wish the best for you and your H.

[CynicalP]

This is supposed to be helpful??? It must be nice to be perfect. You've never made a mistake? As I've said, I knew something was not right but didn't know exactly what that was. I'm doing everything in my power to make my marriage work.

 

Thanks to those who actually gave some nice words and some helpful advice. But things such as "the jig is up" really is not helping me. I thought this was a support board but some of these responses are just mean. I mean you guys are responding to someone with feelings, ya know?

 

I won't visit here again. My husband and I going into thearpy and we're going to work this out.

 

 

What exactly did you want people to tell you. If you say you dont love someone then there's little they can do that would convince you otherwise. Only you can choose to love your husband or not. Only you can decide for yourself if you wish to stay with him.

 

When you therapy are you going to tell your husband you dont love him? Are you going to be honest with him? Ultimately what is it you want from your relationship. Obviously you think there is something is lacking and it is more than just a 'I dont love him'.

 

Anyways I wish you the best of luck to you. May you find the answers you are looking for in therapy.

[Rooster_DAR]

Ask yourself this question:

 

Can I live without him forever?

 

If the answer is no, then you have sort through what love is all about.

 

Regards,

[Guest]

hey hot..omg reading u r thread.. jus was like readin my life story.. i am 27 indian married.. livin in uk i had an arranged marriage when i was 24.. jus like u i had a feelin somthing is wrong.. yet under parents pressure.. my belief dat things will get better i married him.. its gona be 4 years soon.. yet we havent consumated our marriage.. its fact u may not belive it or anybody else but.. my husband used 2 try 2 get physical wid me.. but i dunnno i was neva aroused.. or anything.. initially even i used 2 make an effort now we have both stopped..

he isa nice guy very patient helps around home.. the perfect husband materail.. but yet i dont feel da love for him.. there has neva been tat " oh my god id die without u feeling". initially i kept thinkin it wil happen.. feelings will come.. dis dat but dey just havent . and we have spoken abt it 2.. he feels i need more time.. i need a job. ( as i am housewife) and den things will be ok. now i dont even feel da need 2 work anythin out.. am jus depressed.. given up hope..

i have spoken 2 me parents abt it but bein from india my parents r strongly orthodox.. they r jus tryin to convince me to stay on , adjust , blah blah, but i honestly cant.. infact am begining 2 hate dem 2. i cant go bac home coz they say we cant take anymore repsonibility of me.. stayin here wid him is killin me everyday slowly. i am bein mean now but am thinkin i shud stick around in dis marriage till i can do my exams get my life sorted n leave.. but dat also motivation i have lost.. i am like depressedsucidial girl who jus thinks shud end me life soon.. its like niether here nor there.. i duno wat to do

[SoleMate]

Love definitely can grow. Please check out marriagebuilders on the web, and learn about the LoveBank model of relationships. Basically, your husband came to love you as you did a great job of fulfilling his most deeply felt emotional needs. If he is a typical male, those needs include physical affection & sex, recreational companionship, admiration, domestic support, and an attractive spouse. He loves the way you meet those needs for him (or whatever his actual, personal, unique needs are).

 

You may come to truly and deeply love him in the same way, when he does a great job of giving you affection, conversation, financial support, openness and honesty, and family commitment (or, again, whatever your unique needs are). The caveat is that sometimes a person has needs that are not easily fulfilled by anotehr person - such as the need to feel worthy of love. I see several things in your posts that indicate this may be a problem for you. You long to feel truly worthy of a good man's love. NO MAN on Earth can really do 100% of that job - YOU are the one who must work on yourself (with your loving husband's support) to develop your feelings of self-worth. I suggest seeing a cognitive therapist, and/or readung The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It's been voted one of the most helpful books of our era.

 

And please ignore any LS posts that are destructive. There are ALWAYS a few! You can block any user if you prefer not to see their posts. You do not deserve any kind of scorn or attack. You are trying to be a good wife, and you are being totally honest with your husband. You just find that your feelings are not what they should be. I am convinced that you can fix this problem and actually end up with a marriage that is even BETTER for the two of you having tackled this together.

 

Good luck, I hope you will post some more.

[Rooster_DAR]

But in reality, there's no "spark". Never has been

 

I don't understand some of these people, why would you get married if the above statement is accurate?

 

Jeez

[Rooster_DAR]

Love is a choice.

 

Love is a commitment that you make.

 

You have to make a decision every day of your life to stay with that person, through good or bad, even if you don’t feel like you love them anymore...because you’re not always going to. You like hanging out with someone, spending time with them, you like what they wear, their hair, the little wrinkle they get between their eyes when they’re mad, or they way they curl their lip when trying not to laugh. But like can be fickle. It is based on mere feelings, and no real intention. It’s easy to say goodbye to someone you simply like – because you believe there are others out there just like or better than them.

 

Herein lies the difference between like and love.

 

 

Love is choosing to be with someone.

 

Love is seeing someone for who they are, baggage, bad hair and all, and still being able to look them in the eye and say: “I love you”. Love is acceptance, understanding, patience, friendship, endurance...all those things that sound so boring when you’re 18 and horny but that suddenly becomes so important when you come ‘of age’

 

Love requires trust. The most basic foundation of trust in a relationship is knowing that your partner will not leave you, no matter what happens. There are always going to be others more attractive, more intelligent, maybe even more compatible, others that you are attracted to. But love means you’ve committed to a choice and you need to follow through and see where it takes you.

 

Most people who have been in love say it takes time. The true test of love lies in what happens after infatuation fades and passion settles.

 

There... I've said my peace on LOVE and being IN-LOVE.

 

These are great words of wisdom!

 

Excellent!