Romance with Someone Going Through a Divorce?

[Karina]

My questions concerns a friend named Holden who is going through a divorce. I have known him for 1 year. He is in his late 30's and works at my company.

 

There is an attraction on my part for Holden. I am a SWF, 31. We had a few drinks together (informally) and once I went to his apartment and he made me dinner. Nothing sexual happened. But, we had intimate conversations regarding our past experiences. I did not get into the details of Holden's marriage or pending divorce. He and his wife were in a relationship for over 10 years (and I don't know how long they were married). Now, they have been separated for months, and are in the final stages of divorce.

 

Holden had a reputation as a ladies man at our company; apparently while travelling for business he had a few affairs. This doesn't bother me, but I did worry about the same thing happening to me. Luckily, he and I are only friends. But, part of me wonders whether there could be something more. The worst part is that he is moving 3000 miles away in several months. But, he has family ties here in SF and will have to return here for business, so it's not like we can't keep in touch.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's worth pursuing anything, or trying to see whether we could date casually. I have not brought anything up to him, but we occassionally hug each other and provide emotional support. Also, since I have never been married, I don't know anything about what it's like to go through a divorce.

 

It's also unusual that after he made me dinner at his house, and we revealed alot of personal details about our lives, we both kind of backed off from each other a bit. Not that we aren't friendly at work, but things are awkward because we haven't gotten any more emotionally closer.

 

You should also be aware that I am leaving the company in 2 weeks, so if I did decide to date him, there would be no conflict of interest at work.

 

I thought he may be interested in me as more than a friend because of the fact that he made me dinner. But, some friends of mine said he might have just been lonely. I don't have that many platonic male friends, so I don't evcen know how to tell if a guy likes me for a friend, or more....

 

So, you can see there's alot I don't understand. What should I do? I do like the guy for a friend, I realize he may not be in a position to be in a relationship, but I do want to keep in touch with him no matter what happens. I do think there is some kind of attraction there.

 

What do you readers think?

 

Thanks!

[Totally Confused]

I'm begging you. Please don't do it. I had the exact same situation happen to me one time. I'm telling you, to this day (5 years later) i still get sick when I think about what I ended up going through. I worked with him, i was leaving the company, when I realized I started having feelings for him, so I thought it might be o:k since I was leaving the company. We were just friends and shared a lot. I knew all about the affairs he starting having behind his wifes back, once they started falling apart and decided to divorce. I didn't let the affairs bother me either. We started dating just a couple of days before I left. He seemed to be crazy about me. I got so much attention from him for 2 -3 mo. He wanted me to fly to Florida to meet his parents. Then after 2-3mo. he started blowing off dates and eventually stopped calling. He said he was confused and needed time. Yeh, time to see somebody else is what I found out, a co-worker. a girl i used to also work with. it killed me.

 

The affairs that he had should bother you, because he's showing you his true nature and he will do it to you. He's also rebounding and will not be looking for a serious relationship anytime soon. He just got out of one and will taste total freedom for the first time in a long time and love it. It will be a female feast. Run, run as far and fast as you can away from him. You will get hurt. He is not your friend, though it may seem that way. Just get out now while you're ahead. This I definitely know I'm right about.

[Joey]

My questions concerns a friend named Holden who is going through a divorce. I have known him for 1 year. He is in his late 30's and works at my company. There is an attraction on my part for Holden. I am a SWF, 31. We had a few drinks together (informally) and once I went to his apartment and he made me dinner. Nothing sexual happened. But, we had intimate conversations regarding our past experiences. I did not get into the details of Holden's marriage or pending divorce. He and his wife were in a relationship for over 10 years (and I don't know how long they were married). Now, they have been separated for months, and are in the final stages of divorce. Holden had a reputation as a ladies man at our company; apparently while travelling for business he had a few affairs. This doesn't bother me, but I did worry about the same thing happening to me. Luckily, he and I are only friends. But, part of me wonders whether there could be something more. The worst part is that he is moving 3000 miles away in several months. But, he has family ties here in SF and will have to return here for business, so it's not like we can't keep in touch.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's worth pursuing anything, or trying to see whether we could date casually. I have not brought anything up to him, but we occassionally hug each other and provide emotional support. Also, since I have never been married, I don't know anything about what it's like to go through a divorce. It's also unusual that after he made me dinner at his house, and we revealed alot of personal details about our lives, we both kind of backed off from each other a bit. Not that we aren't friendly at work, but things are awkward because we haven't gotten any more emotionally closer.

 

You should also be aware that I am leaving the company in 2 weeks, so if I did decide to date him, there would be no conflict of interest at work. I thought he may be interested in me as more than a friend because of the fact that he made me dinner. But, some friends of mine said he might have just been lonely. I don't have that many platonic male friends, so I don't evcen know how to tell if a guy likes me for a friend, or more....

 

So, you can see there's alot I don't understand. What should I do? I do like the guy for a friend, I realize he may not be in a position to be in a relationship, but I do want to keep in touch with him no matter what happens. I do think there is some kind of attraction there. What do you readers think? Thanks!

[Karina]

Thanks for your response, totally confused!

 

I think I wasn't clear on a few things...the affairs Holden had with girls at work were not behind his wife's back. First, they occurred with Europeans. Second, he was already separated and was not doing it behind his wife's back.

 

He had already known about the divorce for 1 year. The affairs happened 6 months later and were between 2 mutually consenting adults. Right now, for the last several months, Holden has been alone (or so he says) and is not dating anyone.

 

I agree with the fact I should be careful, but why do you say he is not my friend?

 

Does anyone else have any feedback?

[Joey]

Miss Katrina,

 

Obviously he has an attraction to you, or he would not have prepared dinner for you. "I bet he was nervous too." Consider what kind of relationship the two of you could have with the situation at hand. Little if any. I understand your attraction. But,he will be away and is know to be unfaithful. Can you accept that!

 

Holden probably has a lot on his mind; are there children involved in the divorce?

 

You may remain friends. You both will meet new people and a long distance relationship will be hard to maintain.

 

I don't see any harm in expressing your thoughts to him. I am sure he would be happy to know you are thinking of him and who know's what could become of it. Don't get your hope's up as you already know things change with time.

 

Maybe you could ask him over for dinner and talk about things.

 

Best Wishes, Joey

[Karina]

Joey,

 

Thanks for the advice.....

 

But, I do want to clarify something, Holden was not to my knowledge unfaithful to his wife. What I meant by "affairs" was that he had flings with people while on business trips AFTER separating and planning to get divorced. To me, that was a rebound thing....A normal reaction to a loss. And, as far as I know, there are no children involved in the divorce. At least, I have never heard mention of any! I guess I should also wonder why a 37 year old man would not have any kids!!!!! Maybe he physically can't!!

 

I do agree with your point about the timing thing. You're probably right......It would be better to just stay friends. After all, I don't know anything about his former marriage, what caused the divorce, or even what this guy's private life is really all about.

 

I guess I wish I could get a better handle on men's motives...Like is making dinner for someone a romantic gesture, a loneliness gesture, etc.? It was never defined....

 

The best thing to do is that I should stop worrying about it and go with the flow.......

[Mike]

Do you want a commitment from him? He probably isn't looking for a commitment right away, and it doesn't sound likeyou would be able to trust him anyway. But if you are just looking for for a warm body and someone to be with for a little while without long term prospects, he is probably a good candidate.

My questions concerns a friend named Holden who is going through a divorce. I have known him for 1 year. He is in his late 30's and works at my company. There is an attraction on my part for Holden. I am a SWF, 31. We had a few drinks together (informally) and once I went to his apartment and he made me dinner. Nothing sexual happened. But, we had intimate conversations regarding our past experiences. I did not get into the details of Holden's marriage or pending divorce. He and his wife were in a relationship for over 10 years (and I don't know how long they were married). Now, they have been separated for months, and are in the final stages of divorce. Holden had a reputation as a ladies man at our company; apparently while travelling for business he had a few affairs. This doesn't bother me, but I did worry about the same thing happening to me. Luckily, he and I are only friends. But, part of me wonders whether there could be something more. The worst part is that he is moving 3000 miles away in several months. But, he has family ties here in SF and will have to return here for business, so it's not like we can't keep in touch.

 

I guess I am wondering if it's worth pursuing anything, or trying to see whether we could date casually. I have not brought anything up to him, but we occassionally hug each other and provide emotional support. Also, since I have never been married, I don't know anything about what it's like to go through a divorce. It's also unusual that after he made me dinner at his house, and we revealed alot of personal details about our lives, we both kind of backed off from each other a bit. Not that we aren't friendly at work, but things are awkward because we haven't gotten any more emotionally closer.

 

You should also be aware that I am leaving the company in 2 weeks, so if I did decide to date him, there would be no conflict of interest at work. I thought he may be interested in me as more than a friend because of the fact that he made me dinner. But, some friends of mine said he might have just been lonely. I don't have that many platonic male friends, so I don't evcen know how to tell if a guy likes me for a friend, or more....

 

So, you can see there's alot I don't understand. What should I do? I do like the guy for a friend, I realize he may not be in a position to be in a relationship, but I do want to keep in touch with him no matter what happens. I do think there is some kind of attraction there. What do you readers think? Thanks!