my fiance is driving me crazy!

[Guest]

I have hinted and directly told my fiance that his online gaming is driving me crazy. Yet he continues to do it every chance he gets. However he tries to give me affection when he gets bored then he goes back to his gaming. It seems like this is all he needs or wants in life to be happy. He enjoys his job. Has a few friends none he goes out with. He has nothing to do with his family. But I want more in life I am a social person so I enjoy doing things with people I like to talk. I want to see him do something other than sit and eat at his computer.

 

I have lately been experiencing a huge loss of interest for him sexually. I don't have a sexual desire for him anymore. When he touchs me I feel awful.

 

Is there anything I can do to help this situation? or is it make or break?

 

suggestions please!

[FallenPetals]

This is a huge thing for most couples. Not the gaming so much as it is one mate enjoys something the other doesn't. Experts say, and I have experienced, that you shouldn't make demands on taking something away that your mate truly enjoys, reasons for this are quite easily understood, they start with resentment and end in a miserable relationship.

 

What you could do is try negotiating with him. When you want to be social try and make the plans and inviting him along citing that he can play again when you two get back.

 

Is there a reason for his online gaming? Maybe he's depressed and this is his only outlet that he can think of? Are you verbally bashing him about the gaming? You said he doesn't see his family and he doesn't go out with friends, it sounds like something more is going on here than just the gaming.

 

You're losing interest in him sexually may have a lot to do with resentment on your part. You say he is being affectionate when he is not gaming, that's a huge thing. If he were not being affectionate then that would be a big red flag. I'm not telling you to live with it. When you're a couple there must be some negotiating of quality time. The thing is honest open communication. You can't fix or work on anything if you don't communicate well. I would try to talk to him about how you feel, you'll want to avoid sentences that start with "You", "I", and anything that places blame. Instead you could try "When this is done it makes me feel (insert feelings)" and take it from there. I would have a long chat with him. Maybe some counseling is in order. How old are you two? Relationships take a lot of work, I like what Record Producer said in one of her other posts "Marriage is not for the faint of heart", because it takes constant work and if you can't do the work it doesn't flourish and instead it dies.

[superconductor]

He's getting from the gaming what he's not getting from you: attention. Even though it's virtual attention, it's attention regardless.

 

It's the chicken-and-egg thing that happens in many, many relationships. Is she denying sex because she feels he's not "meeting her needs" (whatever they may be), or is he not meeting her needs because she's denying him sex?

 

Clearly, you two have a lot of issues to discuss. Think extremely hard whether this is the type of behaviour that you can tolerate in a marriage.

 

About the gaming: Is it gambling? Or games like scrabble or something where there isn't any money involved?

[Adora]

However he tries to give me affection when he gets bored then he goes back to his gaming.

 

Is it really because he is bored? Or because he wants to be close to you?

 

Was he a gamer before you two became an item? In my eyes there is nothing wrong with a person wanting to spend their spare time gaming - I do it (as does my fiance). It is when the one who is gaming allows themselves to detach from the rw (real world). They (your fiance in this case) needs to learn to have the best of both worlds - he needs to learn to compromise and alot times for both you and for his hobby.

 

I don't think it'd be fair to tell him to totally give up what makes him happy. But, he also needs to make sure that he keeps you happy along the way.

 

When I first started dating my fiance he was the one who was into gaming. I started playing not long after because it looked interesting and I wanted to spend more time with him. That was in 2001 - and I am happy to admit I am a proud gamer to this day! Granted, gaming isn't for everyone - whatever floats your boat really.

 

Have you ever tried it yourself? Again, it isn't for everyone.. but it is fun to do it with your partner as well.

 

Just lay down some ground rules... allow so much time for gaming; do not condem him for enjoying something that you do not. Only if he is neglecting you should you do so.