Would love a female's perspective....

[californiakid]

Where to start? So I met a chick who recently moved to my city. Right from the start, we were attracted to one another and seemed to click from the get-go. We started to date right away which ended up being 5-6 months. I wasn't her only friend as she made friends at work and knew some people, but the majority of her life transpired through me to an extent which made me feel a bit overwhelmed at times since she was more into me in the beginning months of our relationship due to the circumstances. I am a very independent person and was into her, but not nearly as much as she was which I think became an issue for her, although she didn't express it to me in a way that would help me fix the problem.

 

Nonetheless, I really had a great time spending time with her and immersed her in my life and introduced her to the majority of my friends and family where she made a good impression and it made me feel good about everything. My doctor's office is in the building in which she lived which made the circumstances of the relationship a bit trickier and she was also out-of-town a week+/month which made the continuity of our relationship a bit trickier than usual.

 

Nonetheless, I cared for her and really liked her, but I believe I was not as forth-coming with my feelings until later on when she started to doubt my interest in "us". She always thought she cared about me a ton, where she thought I was more in it to be in it. About 4 months into our relationship, we were both taking our situation somewhat for granted to an extent and didn't communicate as well as we could have during that time. Everything seemed to be going fairly well until she randomly ran into her ex of 7+ years (with whom she thought she was going to marry). Our next talk, she decided that I might not be "the one." So we basically took a week apart and took sometime to think about the situation and we started to have talks about how we could stengthen our relationship. The ball remained in her court and I let her have the space that she had asked for. I had a good feeling about it all, although nothing is certain as we all know way to well. After a week apart, we get back together for another month and for the most part everything seems like its back to normal, but I put more pressure on myself to make sure that she knew that I really cared for her. However, then out of the blue she decided that we should break-up telling me very briefly that it was for the same reasons as before. You should also know that she tends to make quick decisions and realizes that is a fault of hers. Anyways, now we haven't really spoken much since our splitsville, so we never really had a discussion about this all. Right afterwards I wrote an e-mail saying that it would be nice to have a conversation with regards to "us" to have some closure and understand everything.

 

She ended up calling me the night I was at a concert (not sure if that was on purpose or not), but she did state that she thought we should talk about our situation. I waited a few days to collect my thoughts (while I went out w/ a couple of other women) and then decided to call and left a voicemail just letting her know that I was willing to talk when she had time, although I preferred to have the conversation in person. No response and then I left one last VM another week later. Basically I went to NC for the next 3 weeks although we ran into each other, although basically avoided a conversation as we were never in direct contact. I did decide to send her a bday card and a small present on her bday (thought i was taking the high-road, although maybe I should have obstained). Nonetheless, seems like she is sorta unwilling to have a conversation now (although I haven't spoken to her in 4 weeks now) and when she did call, she wanted to do it over the phone. I still have feelings for her, however I think she is after another boy right now, although I know she has obstained from any hooking-up to this point, post-us. I on the other hand have gone out with a few women, however, it truly hasn't been the same. I am not sure if she is the "one," however I was looking to give it more time to see if it would develop into something longer-standing. She felt that her "timeclock" was wasting and apparently questioned dating me further if it wasn't gonna lead down the "road to marraige" This has been a month post-us....what to do to at least bring this back to what we were before we dated which is friends or maybe even trying to reconile this and see if it could work out again....I know the best thing for myself is to move-on and re-establish my own life again and if its meant to be, so be it. Although, at the sametime, I know that there is no rush in time, but I don't want all these feelings and emotions to shift to the backburner to never reoccur again. I have never felt this way about a woman before and I surely don't want to live in a world of "what if's" any longer......please advise as I greatly appreciate any insight you might have...I think my best bet is to move on because I don't have another choice, but I have trouble living in regret...I know that with time I will have more of a clear view on the relationship & believe that if it was meant to be, it will come back, but at the same time I feel time is against me....

[RecordProducer]

California Kid, you are a fool! She is in love with you and broke up because she thought you were not. She broke up with you because she doubted your interest in her, right? And she was very much into you, right? But she doesn't know that you feel the same about her, because you've never told her that, right?

 

Well it's time for you to call her or email her or show up at her door (that would be the best) and tell her how you really feel about her. if she loves you, she will be yours, I guarantee you.

 

If not, at least you will know she doesn't love you and there will be no regrets and no 'what ifs.' You've got nothing to lose whatsoever. To spill out the truth is never a mistake. To hide your feelings might cost you a huge regret in the future.

[BannaBee57]

You said it RecordProducer!

 

CaliforniaKid, if she doesn't want to try again then try not to focus on the regrets. Try to remember that you were "not forth-coming with your feelings for her" for some reason (it may have just been an instinct). Try to find someone you feel so strongly about that you want to shout it from the rooftops!

[RecordProducer]

Try to find someone you feel so strongly about that you want to shout it from the rooftops!

Good point! Perhaps you were never much into her while you were dating and all of a sudden she became the right one when she dumped you. It's not true love if you don't appreciate someone while you're with them and they love you and show it. If I were you, I would first try and estimate how much of my feelings for her are true and how much developed due to her turning back on you.

[californiakid]

I appreciate the response Record Producer! She definitely knew that I appreciated the relationship at times, however, I think you are right that I never really let her know how much I appreciated her. Our communication was something that needed work although I felt when we got back together I did make a much stronger effort to appreciate and make sure she was aware of my interest level. I would follow your advice and show up at her place to let her know how I feel, however, I think an alternative way would be better sutied because I used to work at that building and I feel like its been a month now and feel that would be sorta stalkerish.

 

Now, keep in mind, this is a two-way street and she hasn't reallly responded much to my initiation of contact. She did reply when I sent her a bday card & present, although it was a week later. I don't have as good of a feeling on it as I did in the past, although I agree with you 110% that I have nothing to lose on this. I sort of feel that maybe a bit more time will allow me to collect my thoughts better although I am not sure if there is a certain amount of time that will make this fade away to a point of "no return"....what do you think?

 

And, to your second point. Obviously, there is the challenge that everyone likes because she turned her back on the situation. But the last month, I realized how much I really did care for her, but it seemed too little too late at that point. Honestly, I have never met a girl I have cared more about, but I feel awful admitting that I don't think I displayed it the best I could....what to do?

[BannaBee57]

Now, keep in mind, this is a two-way street and she hasn't reallly responded much to my initiation of contact.

 

That right there should tell you what you need to know. If she's not responding then she may be trying to institute NC in order to get over you once and for all. I think that if she wanted to reconcile she would have made more of an attempt to return your calls.

 

If you want to give it one last big try then go ahead. Be all romantic and send her flowers/candy, etc. But, if she doesn't respond then be careful not to go overboard. Then you will be kind of "stalkerish".

 

Good luck!

[californiakid]

BannaBee-

 

She did respond to my birthday card and present, although it didn't seem like the contact was to initiate additional contact. In one sense, it shows she is willing to converse. Now in the beginning, she was the seeker of the friendship/relationship to a good extent. Now, I have initiated the NC again since that and its almost been a solid month on my end. I am not sure how much time is the right amount to let things settle, although I feel like if it goes too long, it will lose its chance to resurface.

 

I would like to take one more stab at it, but I think just going over there is a bad move, even though it was advised by that other poster....when we broke up she wasn't even willing to have a conversation in person, had preferred to do it over the phone. Again, there wasn't some crazy sh*t that happened between us, so it seems that she is a bit skiddish in relationships. Although, this girl is awesome and regardless of the outcome, I think the world of her! I wish I had let her known my feelings often and early, but I felt suffocated by the fact that she was new to town and was so into me and I guess me "feeling that interested" scared me some because I had never felt this type of feeling before in other relationships. Now, my inability to respond how I felt at times is costing me my sanity. We do have friends in common, although I feel like that's the wrong avenue to go as I don't want them to be in the middle of "us."

I am taking my time on my next move (if i do make one) as I don't want to screw up what could be my last opportunity to reconcile this. Please advise.

[RecordProducer]

Now, keep in mind, this is a two-way street and she hasn't reallly responded much to my initiation of contact.

She is probably following the rule 'If he cares, he will chase after me.'

 

Just do it!

[californiakid]

Record Producer-

 

I like your advice.

[RecordProducer]

You don't have the PM option allowed by the moderators yet.

[superconductor]

She is probably following the rule 'If he cares, he will chase after me.'

 

Just do it!

You know, RP, I like you and I think you're very astute, but this advice, IMHO, is dead wrong.

 

If OP falls into the trap of playing her "chase me" game, he'll be putting himself and his feelings at her mercy.

 

Bad idea.

[californiakid]

Superconductor- thanks for responding, not sure I know the acroynm "IMHO" -what is your take on the situation? Towards the end she was unsure as to whether we were a "match." Now I feel like I didn't profess my interest until it was too late. I enjoyed her company and have never felt this way before, although I felt the circumstances of how it all came about made it difficult for it to work-out. Obviously, I know circumstances happen in every relationship and the interactions dictate whether it would be a long-lasting good relationship. But I truly think that I understand where I "dropped the ball" and what to do whatever it takes to give it one more shot. In the meantime, I am continuing NC.

[RecordProducer]

You know, RP, I like you and I think you're very astute, but this advice, IMHO, is dead wrong.

 

If OP falls into the trap of playing her "chase me" game, he'll be putting himself and his feelings at her mercy.

 

Bad idea.

I agree with you that it might turn into a dangerous game, but that's a risk he has to take if he wants her back. Their current status is broken-up.

 

If he does nothing, he gains nothing. If he does something, he might win her back or get hurt. Do we give up before we try just to prevent the risk of a heart-break?

[RecordProducer]

not sure I know the acroynm "IMHO"

 

IMHO means 'in my honest opinion' (as opposed to 'In my dishonest opinion'!)

 

Just kidding... It means "In my humble opinion".

[californiakid]

I do want to call her and hash things over and look to amend the burnt bridge, although I am not sure the signals that I am getting are the ones I want....she was the one who made the last decision to split, why would I have the power to change her mind even though she was SO invested to me earlier on in our relationship?!?

[RecordProducer]

Just call your girlfriend and tell her you love her!

 

Don't be afraid to do that, the reward may be worth it.

[missy77]

She's in LOVE WITH YOU!!! And wants to see if you feel the same!! CALL HER AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!

[californiakid]

Now, keep in mind, this is a two-way street and she hasn't reallly responded much to my initiation of contact.

 

That right there should tell you what you need to know. If she's not responding then she may be trying to institute NC in order to get over you once and for all. I think that if she wanted to reconcile she would have made more of an attempt to return your calls.

 

So its been a bit over a month and a half and I am still thinking about this....i think right after we broke-up she did tell one of my girlfriends some along the lines that I am a great guy and she knows that I will find someone out there.....can she say that and still be in love with me? I have given her a couple of opportunities to respond....a call or two post break-up (although its been over a month since i called) and when i sent a bday card i got a thank you via e-mail a week later that didn't seek any response really.

 

i know she is quick to make decisions and i am sure she thought i had some potential if we were together for 6 months...some of me wants to wait and figure that somewhere down the line maybe i will have an another chance, some of me wants to get in touch with her again....i wish i could see some inside advice and maybe its not how i did anything & just her......i don't usually give myself up for ladies and when i finally started to come around with her (towards the end) it seemed like it was too late

 

she is adorable, cute, energetic, smart, and always looked out for me and my family....not sure she is replacable (not at this moment in time at least). i have been with other women since just to be thinking about the last one....

[Guest]

How long is too long if you want to get in contact w/ an ex after a break-up?

[californiakid]

Any last advice before I go "Skate or Die" on this whole 2nd chance idea?

[californiakid]

so i phoned her and left a message, but no follow-up..

 

do i go to NC again OR do I step-up the effort and try to write an e-mail or plan a date or do something one last time to try to show that I am willing to work on the relationship and want to make it work.....I think she has sorta given up on me bc at the end she was frusterated, but I don't want to lose her....I truly felt that she is the most appealing female to come into my life to this point.

 

I am open to ALL ADVICE...thanks

[Guest]

anybody got anymore input? LADIES please

[Guest]

CK,

 

So you left a msg and said what in it? What do you mean "what else should you do?".......if you have yet to hear from her, then you have your answer. Something tells me that you won't stop here....and that you feel that you can control this situation more. Don't become a stalker...............let her be. If it was meant to be it will be, without your pushing the issue.

[californiakid]

in response to: "So you left a msg and said what in it?"

 

Just said that I wanted to catch up and see how you were doing....hoped all was well and to give me a call when she had the chance

 

something like that more or less

_______________________________________________________

 

Not even close to becoming a stalker....or close to thinking that this is a situation i can dictate. its obviously a 2-way street

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Ideally, i would just like to have a conversation to see how things are going and make an attempt at some type of friendship, although i suppose its gotta be on her time, although i still seem some closure from her...