How far would you go?

[the_alchemyst]

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.

 

I think that the closest we will ever get to selfless love is parental love.

 

Other than that, I realy don't see the selflessness to it all.

 

And I don't understand it, anyway: For instance, some may say that they will continue to love someone, even if that someone won't love them in return.

 

Unrequited love.

 

But most ridicule that type of love, saying that is it a waste of time, that it's indignant, and that it's stupid.

 

So maybe selfless love is just stupid love.

[In Sync]

My point is if you truly love someone and they say 'I want to go my separate way.' You can continue to love them all you want till eternity. Till your next life. BUT stalking- clinging - coercing- begging - questioning -calling up drunk in the middle of the night, constantly trying to get them to change their minds is not love. It's now become an self-center way of getting your needs met.

 

I was even realizing just how weird that expression needing closure from the ex is.

For the longest time I brought into that phrase...then it too dawned on me...it goes back to my needs. I need closure. It has nothing to do with them. Basically I am buying into a silly notion that I must make them do something to get me to accept what they have already expressed. That's not fair to them. Why do I need to put that burden on them to get me to accept their original decision?

[loveinlife]

My point is if you truly love someone and they say 'I want to go my separate way.' You can continue to love them all you want till eternity. Till your next life. BUT stalking- clinging - coercing- begging - questioning -calling up drunk in the middle of the night, constantly trying to get them to change their minds is not love. It's now become an self-center way of getting your needs met.

 

I was even realizing just how weird that expression needing closure from the ex is.

For the longest time I brought into that phrase...then it too dawned on me...it goes back to my needs. I need closure. It has nothing to do with them. Basically I am buying into a silly notion that I must make them do something to get me to accept what they have already expressed. That's not fair to them. Why do I need to put that burden on them to get me to accept their original decision?

 

N Sync, I can see that you are a very caring person because about his emotions.

 

As for me, I would go as far as I can go to be happy with them. Basically anything to bring us back together. Like fly to a different country and live with them if that brings me the happiness that I once had.

 

However, I would never fight over a guy for a girl bc its not the guys fault, but the girl's decision to be with someone else.

[Jaded-Arie]

I was even realizing just how weird that expression needing closure from the ex is.

 

I don't find that weird at all. When two people are together in a relationship, they usually (try) to accomodate each other. It is a two way street. So when they break up, especially if one person just says: 'It's over, it's not you, it's me, blah, blah, blah'. The dumpee deserves an explanation, not necessarily one that suits the dumpee, but just an explanation. That is what I call closure and call me selfish but I feel that I am entitled to it. We can't be together one day and the next day the person walks and I am left going: Huh???

 

And I feel that if a relationship ever meant anything to the dumper and they have always considered your feelings, then it wouldn't even be an issue of demanding closure, you would just be granted one.

 

I know this because I have been a notorious dumper and a (recent first time dumpee ). The guys that I had cared about I have explained to them what went wrong with the relationship with none of those bullcrap cliches, the ones I didn't give a **** about, I just erased and blocked them from my phone.

[loveinlife]

I was even realizing just how weird that expression needing closure from the ex is.

 

I don't find that weird at all. When two people are together in a relationship, they usually (try) to accomodate each other. It is a two way street. So when they break up, especially if one person just says: 'It's over, it's not you, it's me, blah, blah, blah'. The dumpee deserves an explanation, not necessarily one that suits the dumpee, but just an explanation. That is what I call closure and call me selfish but I feel that I am entitled to it. We can't be together one day and the next day the person walks and I am left going: Huh???

 

And I feel that if a relationship ever meant anything to the dumper and they have always considered your feelings, then it wouldn't even be an issue of demanding closure, you would just be granted one.

 

I know this because I have been a notorious dumper and a (recent first time dumpee ). The guys that I had cared about I have explained to them what went wrong with the relationship with none of those bullcrap cliches, the ones I didn't give a **** about, I just erased and blocked them from my phone.

 

I agree with you Jaded-Arie that it would be nice to have a closure. I didn't even get that also. I asked for a 15 mins coffee or sit down so we can discuss. She told me will no longer talk anymore, if I wanted to talk to her I would have to have a new gf.... I was like wtf. All this time we been together and you are hating on me and putting me out on the market so I can be in a relationship with someone else. This is one thing I'll always remember, how she turned her back on me so quick.

 

Yeah a closure is helpful and I thought it was supposed to be her job if she still cared about me to tell me what is going on and why it didn't work out. It's just giving me respect.

[In Sync]

I was even realizing just how weird that expression needing closure from the ex is.

For the longest time I brought into that phrase...then it too dawned on me...it goes back to my needs. I need closure. It has nothing to do with them. Basically I am buying into a silly notion that I must make them do something to get me to accept what they have already expressed. That's not fair to them. Why do I need to put that burden on them to get me to accept their original decision?

 

 

Yep, I reread it and on second thought I agree with this fervently. If you need closure from someone other than yourself I am still tied to that person. I am grateful to have a sound mind and healthy spirtit that I don't feel a 'need' to depend on what the other person says to respect their desires to move on... I recognize that I am a mature person and so are they...what part don't I get about the fact they want to go their separate way? Take offense if you chose but I don't see why? I was merely expressing anotherP.O.V.

[KittenMoon]

People are creatures of both emotions and reason- when emotion gets baffled, reason tries to take over. Hence a desire for explanations, or at least clues, if only (when what's happened has been accepted) to help learn from the mistakes of the past. Unless it becomes obsessive, there's nothing wrong or unhealthy with this, it's just another aspect of human nature.

[Guest]

What does this say for the woman who took a man like you back? Is she lacking some mental stability too?

[In Sync]

....Yeah a closure is helpful and I thought it was supposed to be her job if she still cared about me to tell me what is going on and why it didn't work out. It's just giving me respect.

 

 

 

you see to me (and please don't get bent out of shape...i just quoted and highlighted this phrase because i have seen it ,heard and had in the past even thought this myself) but my thoughts have changed..a complete 180...as I realize like a light bulb going off....no one can give you respect. I can't be held hostage to what someone choses to give me. I have self respect. If someone doesn't respect me...that is them. I have it already. Waiting for another to give it to me, is where I saw I was still depending on that person. That's where I was holding up my own healing recovery whatever you want to call it up. At that time I didn't see that I have my own reserve of self respect. Rejection + feeling hurt = I wanted closure, at least I thought.Nope. Finding it within me was the answer. It was the best thing in my life to learn. Had I sought it from him and got what I thought was closure ..I would not have grasped the bigger picture and deeper meaning of that. Ok...perhaps I am not being clear because I'm not using the right words...but such is life. I tried. Night yall!

[loveinlife]

Yeah I agree with you N Sync; its just in the initial phase of the break up that I thought I needed that closure. You are right it is still depending on another person to give that respect to you instead of getting it from oneselve, which is healthier.

 

Seems like you have seen the light and have moved on very well. Good luck to you!

 

As for me, I am still struggling and finding peace with myself. It didn't help much when I saw my ex at the clubs two Fri ago or talking to her on that Sat morning. I wish things will get a little easier.

[lonelybird]

When you say love is selfless, you might as well be saying that love is disinterested, which seems like a contradiction in itself because it's like saying you are indifferent to the thing you love and value, but how can you love something that you don't love or value? It doesn't coincide.

Not indifferent, but give them totally freedom. If you want to go, then go. but still can love them, wish them good

 

And also, you often hear something like, "In order to love another, you must love yourself first." Well, while that is all well and good, doesn't that then mean you must literally love yourself before you can love anyone else?

not mean put your needs before them, that means as I know is if you love yourself, and treat yourself good, then you know how to treat others good. if you don't treat yourself good, and you don't know how to treat others good. catman maybe can say more about this both scientifically and phychologically:p .