Mollyanna Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 I have decided I have this internal conflict going on between the good-girl I am supposed to be and the bad-girl that wants to come out in me. My wanting to be with D, that is the bad-girl side mostly. Except his sweet words and gentle caresses and loving responses to me, that makes me want to bring him into the good-side of my world. I told him this the other day. I believe this is the most honest I have ever been with anyone, even myself. I hope I can explain it without looking like a total freak. I grew up becoming what everyone thought I should be. I was smart, great at sports, in every activity, officer of many organizations, won many awards, did volunteer work, went to church. At 18, i started rebelled. smoked, drank, one-night stands, slept with a couple of married men, drank some more, stopped going to classes, smoked weed. But yet I was always able to come back to that good side too. I have two personalities. Even now. I can put on the professional, sweet, innocent role during the day and go out at night sometimes and party my ass off. D brings out the bad-girl side. I did X with him, smoked a lot of weed, have crazy wild sex, and have even entertained the thought of having a threesome with him and some other guy. (which not even he knows about). I want to have sex in a public place once and I also think I would like for someone to watch us.) But the good girl in me says, OMG how horrible that you would do that. What kind of a person are you? Am I just fantasizing or would I really go through with this stuff? Because that is the bad-girl in me. sometimes I am not proud of that person and sometimes I am like hell yeah - I am enjoying life and feel sexy and strong. With D, that wild side of me comes out and I feel it can be accepted. But the good-girl in me wants to take that bad guy and move him into a house with a white picket fence where we will live happily ever after with 3 kids, a cat, a dog, and a boat ramp. But if I were able to do that, would I even want him? What the hell is wrong with me? Does anyone else have this type of conflict going on? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Hey, Your bad girl is not bad at all. Everyone is like that. Smoking weed, they have bars in the Netherlands where a whole bunch of people go sit there and have a smoke. It really is no big deal. And the one night stands, you won't believe how many people do that. It sounds terrible on paper but is a pretty popular thing to do it seems. I've done it too. (But then didn't do it anymore because of the aids thing) And fantasies of threesomes, if you ask people what they fantasize about that'd be nothing. About wanting to have sex in public...Well, I've done it because of the circumstances but not that I care for that in particular. But also, that is pretty much on the mild scale. And wild sex, everyone has wild sex, what do you think they do? But of course, you are not going to go to work, oh, I had wild sex last night but now I'm good. Ugh? And who doesn't go through a period of getting bad grades and sending school to hell? I know I did. But then, ok, went back and finished the thing. No bad girl or good girl, there's no such a thing, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Jaded-Arie Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 I can so relate, and I agree with Ariadne, everyone is like that. I can relate very much to this: I grew up becoming what everyone thought I should be. I was smart, great at sports, in every activity, officer of many organizations, won many awards, did volunteer work, went to church. At 18, i started rebelled. smoked, drank, one-night stands, slept with a couple of married men, drank some more, stopped going to classes, smoked weed. But yet I was always able to come back to that good side too. I have two personalities. Even now. I can put on the professional, sweet, innocent role during the day and go out at night sometimes and party my ass off. And I also relate with D bringing out your bad girl. I think you need to accept your 'bad side' it is part of you, part of everyone and one day, you will meet a person who brings out all of you, good and bad. Keep well sis, Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 I'm not so sure this is a good/bad girl competition. It seems like it's more of an who I am/who I might want to be instead type thing. Let me explain... If you're pushed into being a certain way when growing up, you can become resentful of it. For example, if your parents made you go to law school, sure, you could excell at it and maybe even like it somewhat, but you could also resent the fact that the choice was seemingly made FOR you instead of BY you. Maybe, your conflict isn't really balancing good with bad, maybe it's just a conflict of what you expect and what you think people expect, of you. The fact that you are now reconsidering career and whatnot says to me that you're looking more at what you expect of yourself, which is really good. In the long run, we have to live our own lives, not those around us who could be judging, so our choices have to be made for what WE feel is best for us. I mean, look at how many people will go against the wishes of their friends/family/etc for certain things, because it's something they really need to do for themselves. Many of us can say that with relationships. Friends will tell us "he's only going to hurt you again" or "don't waste your time it will never work out" and we could end up with that person anyway, needing to see for ourselves. Maybe our friends will be right in the end, and maybe we'll be right in the end and our friends will eat their words. Point is, you never know for yourself, until you try. As long as you are being true to the person YOU want to be, then I think you are on the right track. Now, does this mean I think you'd be best off becoming a total partier, drinking/drugging/sleeping around? No. But, if that was the path you felt you needed to take in order to be happy, then really nobody here has the right to judge you either way. All my friends will support me, bad choices and all, because they love the person I am, not the person they want me to be. So, all that being said, have faith that those around you will love you for who you are. If they don't, you don't need them in your life anyway. It seems to me you just need to figure out what YOUR wants really are in life, then you can decide whether or not D would be able to fit into it. (meaning, if you really wanted the picket fence, and he couldn't fit into that role, then you'd know you had a dealbreaker). Once you know what your true wants are out of life, I think you'll be able to more easily figure out who it will be that will mesh with you. Does any of this make sense? I know i've babbled :-) Jennifer aka FW Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Lay off the X firefly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 4, 2006 Author Share Posted September 4, 2006 Lay off the X firefly What did firefly have to do with this? So you guys don't think I am this total freak? I feel like one sometimes. I really think the only reason I am with D is because he is wild and has shown me a new side to myself and to the world. I know it is dangerous but maybe that is what I am attracted to in him. I was very sheltered growing up. For this reason, I am almost thinking of dating him even if he still is with that FWB girl. So he can satisfy my wild side, (since I can't tame him to fit my good-side). And then the good side looks for the nice professional who is financially stable and good on paper. Or maybe even find someone like me. I laugh when I hear that part of a song that says "lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed". That is totally who I want to be and I want a man who acts like that too. I can't find him at church and I can't find him at the bar. Where is a middle ground? I also want a group of friends who understands both sides to me. I have separate friends - those who believe I am really good, and the other set that I party with. I feel like I am acting most of the time. It's exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Mollyanna, What is the nature of your relationship with D is he a potential full time lover that already has a FWB relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 4, 2006 Author Share Posted September 4, 2006 She has been his FWB for many years. But while he and I were serious, she was not in the picture. Then we took a break and she came back. And now that he and I are not serious again yet, just started dating again, I want her gone. But he isn't ready for that to happen. He says we are just dating and not exclusive. So I am supposed to live with that. If I want him, I guess I have to. And besides that, he really doesn't fit the picture of who I want long-term either. So I guess we are dating and have an open relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 4, 2006 Share Posted September 4, 2006 Good/bad...you don't have to be polar extremes of either. Meaning, you can be both as they are both parts of your personality; however, you don't have to be extremely good and extremely bad. You can be mildly bad (the fun part), and mildly good (the responsible part), but you don't have to be terribly bad (destructive) and terribly good (perfectionist). As an example, you can go out with your friends and have a few drinks and dance and enjoy yourself. But you don't have to take it to an extreme and get trashed to the point where you're sloppy and coming on to every guy on the dance floor and doing things you'll feel bad about in the morning, or things that put you in danger. You can be resonsible at work and do what you need to do to maintain a successful career, but you don't have to be a workaholic who has no time for relationships or to enjoy traveling and vacations and people. As for D, he's just plain bad for you and not because he's a bad boy or brings out your wild side. He's bad because he lowers your self esteem and makes you feel as though you have to accept FWB's and other things just in order to have him in your life. Someone who supports you and makes you feel like you're special without making you also feel like crap most of the time is a better person to be involved with. Keeping him in your life is just going to prolong your questioning of who you are and what's important. You have to get rid of the crap in order to have room for the sunshine. Link to post Share on other sites
JCD Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 I think boys are bouncing off the walls when they're young then mature and girls when young are good then go bad then in their 30's mature. I think you'll mature and find someone fun and mature not some boring busy lawyer type. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Mollyana, this guy is trouble for you, Whatever thrill you're getting out of him is at the end of the day meaningless. You are putting your virtue and self esteem on the line for what? To be sexually experimental and explore your wild side. uh..why not just be a hooker then ...and dont look down on them because at least they are getting paid. Also...you are sleeping with this guy annd he's sleeping with this FWB. Which means you are sleeping with all her past sexual partner too...what happens if his FWB passes on a sexually transmitted disease. Duhhh? And this guy doesn't respect you on top of it. So you are risking your emotionallife as well as physical life for what?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 Mollyana, this guy is trouble for you, Whatever thrill you're getting out of him is at the end of the day meaningless. You are putting your virtue and self esteem on the line for what? To be sexually experimental and explore your wild side. uh..why not just be a hooker then ...and dont look down on them because at least they are getting paid. Also...you are sleeping with this guy annd he's sleeping with this FWB. Which means you are sleeping with all her past sexual partner too...what happens if his FWB passes on a sexually transmitted disease. Duhhh? And this guy doesn't respect you on top of it. So you are risking your emotionallife as well as physical life for what?? See? I knew someone would see the negative side to what I am doing. Believe me, this is the stuff I tell myself too! I get so angry and upset and start telling myself I am this horrible horrible person. D at least cares about me. He uses condoms. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't yell at me, he doesn't insult me and try to make me feel unlovable. He doesn't do anything behind my back - he is upfront. I'm not letting him completely off the hook though, because I know he hurts me too. But I feel this need to protect him and defend him from you. NoraJane had a good point. These personalities do not have to be polar extremes. I hadn't realized I was doing it again - living in black and white. That is the BPD coming out again. I have a difficult recognizing that people are not ALL bad or ALL good, they can be both. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 See? I knew someone would see the negative side to what I am doing. Believe me, this is the stuff I tell myself too! I get so angry and upset and start telling myself I am this horrible horrible person. D at least cares about me. He uses condoms. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't yell at me, he doesn't insult me and try to make me feel unlovable. He doesn't do anything behind my back - he is upfront. I'm not letting him completely off the hook though, because I know he hurts me too. But I feel this need to protect him and defend him from you. NoraJane had a good point. These personalities do not have to be polar extremes. I hadn't realized I was doing it again - living in black and white. That is the BPD coming out again. I have a difficult recognizing that people are not ALL bad or ALL good, they can be both. This is the reaction of someone who is seeking pity...look you wrote a post questioning the badgirl vs good girl and I responded truthfully that I thought this guy is no good for you. Plus if you notice Mollyana I wasn't the only one who pointed out this guy is bad news. You have a pathological need to catogorize the good or bad girl image which is quite frankly silly. I'm talking about the risk factors of being with a guy who told you blatantly he's got a FWB going on..and he's willing to be with others. You are just part of the fray. Fine. Be a good vs bad girl with a monogomous partner because you may get some other social disease like herpes for example. Don't behave recklessly at the expense of exploring your wild side. You know..when a person has low self esteem it is nearly impossible for them to step back and see that someone is disrespecting them. Ok. But that doesn't mean the situation you describe isn't a reckless. If people want to encourage go with the flow. Link to post Share on other sites
DeeBrod83 Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 To me it just sounds like the basic "need to find your true self" conflict. Finding the balance between being a functioning member of society and having your fun too. I don't thinkt here's anything strange here, and I agree that you're doing a lot of self-destructive things (like "D", or drugs) but it's all in the process of finding yourself. But understand that you can't let these experiences go to waste. You need to sit down and decide what kind of person you want to be and work towards that. You should definitely still have a crazy side, but with balance you'll learn how to just make that part of who you are. Good luck to you in your choices and growth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 This is the reaction of someone who is seeking pity...look you wrote a post questioning the badgirl vs good girl and I responded truthfully that I thought this guy is no good for you. I'm sorry if it seemed I was bashing you for your opinion. that was not my intention. I greatly appreciate your thoughts. I am not trying to seek pity. just struggling right now, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 To me it just sounds like the basic "need to find your true self" conflict. Finding the balance between being a functioning member of society and having your fun too. I don't thinkt here's anything strange here, and I agree that you're doing a lot of self-destructive things (like "D", or drugs) but it's all in the process of finding yourself. But understand that you can't let these experiences go to waste. You need to sit down and decide what kind of person you want to be and work towards that. You should definitely still have a crazy side, but with balance you'll learn how to just make that part of who you are. Good luck to you in your choices and growth. Thank You! You are right, I do need to sit down and figure out who I am and want I want to become. Yesterday my sister-n-law asked me some questions to figure out if I should be the one they leave their children to if something should happen to them. I worry that I'm not the best choice. It brought a lot of issues about myself to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Mollyana, I'm cool here. Personally what you do behind closed doors with your man is your business, but if you describe a situation that appears to be walking a a high wire I will go against the winds and say hey what are you doing? Do as you will, most people do..again do it with smarts. Because your exploration might just run aground into troubled waters and some crap you may regret later on. Risk factors... disease and your esteem. Sometimes girls (And I'm thinking you are young) tend to think by exploring their good girl vs bad boy with a bad boy is one way to keep the guy interested and he will stay. Apparently for all that you are doing he can still get another girl to explore her wild side too so lyalty is obviously not a concern to him. And I suspect in his mind he can go out and find a third , foutrht and fifth girl who is willing to explore...so that's where you are exposing yourself to the dangers of the wild side. Because if he picks up something he could pass it onto you. Now go ahead and listen to the folks that say do it do it do it. Are they going be with you when he's finally done and ready to be full time bf with someone else. Ditch this guy and find a man who respects you... You know here it is 2006 and young women women still think that to be adventous means they have to use their sexuality. By a Harley or Go on a safari..there's other ways beside sex to explore the wilder side of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 actually i am not all that young - i am 33 - that is actually embarassing to me that at my age I have not grown up enough to stop with the dangerous behavior. Again, this is why I am questioning myself now. I use condoms. I am THAT smart, and he promises me he will, but is that a risk I want to take that he might be lying. Yeah I see your point. Sometimes I guess I don't care about myself enough and I should. Again, thanks for your candor. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 So you guys don't think I am this total freak? Ok, I tell you freak: My friends and I get together at night and drink from this bowl of blood that we all share. Then we have these rituals where we kill animals and sometimes the rituals involve little kids too where we molest them and make them hurt. Of course we share needles and inject ourselves with heroin and do mushrooms. Then we all have an orgy together and one time my friend and I were on the street and beat the hell out of this old lady and stole her money, the stupid lady. Okkk... "that" a freak. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 So you guys don't think I am this total freak? Ok, I tell you freak: My friends and I get together at night and drink from this bowl of blood that we all share. Then we have these rituals where we kill animals and sometimes the rituals involve little kids too where we molest them and make them hurt. Of course we share needles and inject ourselves with heroin and do mushrooms. Then we all have an orgy together and one time my friend and I were on the street and beat the hell out of this old lady and stole her money, the stupid lady. Okkk... "that" a freak. Ariadne oh lord, you REALLY scare me sometimes with the stuff you think up. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Mollyana the factthat you could read through all my typos wins you a gold star! Yeah, when you are in love or infatuated or simply have the hots for some guy YES we all want to cut loose and be fre..uninhibite. I say do that..but that's natural...this guy just seems like he's getting the benefits and you run the risks. Everyone always thinks that their man could never pass on a disease to them...just explain to me how come so many women have social disease. Find yourself a man who wants you to be free and inhibited with him alone. If he's so willing to be with another woman and upfront as far as he is concern and rightfully so he's free to do as he please. You are the one who's gambling. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 Hey, oh lord, you REALLY scare me sometimes with the stuff you think up. Oh no, don't be scared. But someone like that would be a freak in my book at least. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted September 5, 2006 Share Posted September 5, 2006 You know here it is 2006 and young women women still think that to be adventous means they have to use their sexuality. By a Harley or Go on a safari..there's other ways beside sex to explore the wilder side of you! Wow- someone gets it! Can we get this printed on a t-shirt or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted September 5, 2006 Author Share Posted September 5, 2006 OK, how do I delete this thread? lol Now I am way embarassed I posted it. I guess I have established that I am not normal in thinking this way. I want to hide under my desk now. Let me go back to my old thread where I belong... Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 haha embaresed you posted this. I think I know who you are. really I think I know. I'm not telling you which group of friends I'm from you crazy cook. You need to stop putting so much focus on whether things are good or bad and try to medate or something to clear your mind of all this idle chatter that seems to be going on your head. Maybe you'll start a thread about a guy named E next time Link to post Share on other sites
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