Made some mistakes, paying the price..

[nice1_hurting]

Hey everyone, this is long so make a drink before you get started.

I've been lurking here for a few days and I thought I would post up my story and see what people have to say about it.

 

About 1.5 months ago I broke off a 3 year relationship with someone. At the time I felt like I needed space.. I was scared at the thought of being in a relationship for so long and what would happen down the line if we broke up. I felt like I was unsure about us. I loved her, but I just wasn't sure if I wanted to be with her. Unfortunately I opted for the break up because I simply felt that was what I wanted..

 

I expected to have feelings of regret afterwards because things like that don't just end and you forget them. And.. Of course I started having feelings of regret and 'oh shoot, what have I done!?'.. I took a deep breath, wiped away the tears and told myself that I had done the right thing. In the coming weeks, all of my friends were asking me why I did it.. And I soon realized that I was trying to come up with good reasons. I didn't really have any. I mean, of course there were issues in the relationship, but instead of dealing with them and making an effort, I got scared and ran away from it. I was trying so hard to convince myself that I had made the right choice, but it soon became apparant that I was not happy at all with the decision I had made.

 

We have had contact and It's been okay. We've gone out with our group of friends.. we've hugged and given given eachother kisses good night. Even when she calls me I am immediately snapped out of whatever it is I was doing and I am excited to talk to her. I've been in situations where other women have approached me and I've even gone as far as taking one home. The thing is.. as soon as things started getting a bit heavy, I realized that I didn't even want it. I had to stop and tell her that I was very torn up about a recently ended relationship and I just did not want to go through with things. Luckily the girl was very understanding and there wasn't a bad scene or anything.

 

Anyways, so it is very clear to me that I still hold feelings of very strong love for my ex. I've truly dug deep inside and am sure that I don't 'just miss her'. This is for real. I am in love with her still. And I have told her that. Here's the kicker. She is currently going through some really tough stuff at home so she is not very receptive at all to me expressing my feelings to her. As well as that, her natural apprehension of me is very strong. I totally broke her heart. I told her that I didn't want to be with her. She was in love with me..

 

So, now I am here with a bursting heart just wishing that I had fully thought things through before i did them. I've made a catastrophic mistake that has cost me her trust as well as her love. Well, I know she still loves me, but it is so hard to hear that she just cannot deal with it right now. I have trouble sleeping, i often lose my appetite and I can't seem to stop crying. It's been a very rough month or so and I am feeling extremely depressed.

I don't want you all to think that I am an insensitive guy who can't understand why she wont take me back. I know exactly why she can't and I do truly understand the sensitivity of her situation. All I can really do is be patient and remain as constant as I can in her life, without breaking down.

 

Today on the phone I told her how sad I have been lately and she kept telling me that I need to do things for me and stop thinking about my life as it pertains to "us". While that was very very painful to hear, I agree with her. I need to continue on living or I will surely spiral downwards into a deep depression. Just knowing that I was the reason I can no longer hold her and love her is eating me alive.

 

i don't really know what type of advice or consolement I need. I think I understand the situation as it stands. She doesn't want a relationship right now and all I can really do is be patient and hope she can trust me again one day. Thanks for reading.. Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[nice1_hurting]

a lil' bump

[LaraV]

Oy! OK, it's actually kindda hard to answer this one b/c you're expressing what many of us here on LS suffering from a broken heart wish our exs were feeling right now. But anyway, I'll try to give you my opinion, anyway...

 

First of all, I'm glad that you sound mature and sensible enough to realize why it is that your girl feels so bad right now. Having been on the receiving end of a break up a few months back, I can honestly say that few things in life have hurt me so much than to hear the person I love say that he doesn't want to be with me, and that he's just "unsure" about me. Having said that, it seems pretty obvious that there's still love left on both sides in your case, and I truly believe that that will work to your advantage.

 

Many years ago I was in your position, and I broke up with someone I had been with for years. It took me several months to come around and get back together with him, because I realized that I really did still love him. He definitely kept in touch with me - and like you said - he remained a constant in my life, and never left, and I'm grateful that he stuck around for that long because I eventually did come around to my senses and realized that this man did deserve a second chance.

 

So, if you really want her back, stick around, make it clear to her that you DO wish to get back with her, but that you understand her predicament and are willing to wait and be there for her in whichever capacity she allows you to be until she has made a decision for herself.

 

I think your chances are good, and without sounding pretentious, I hope that you have learned the full impact that our decisions can have. But I guess like the saying goes, sometimes we don't know what we have until it's gone.

[nice1_hurting]

Lara,

Thank you so much for your response. I think you get where I am coming from on this and I appreciate the time you took to compare and comment on your own personal experiences.

This girl is quite possibly the most wonderful person I have ever met. Right now I know she doesn't want anything romantic with me because A) I hurt her with my less-that-thought-out decision (smacks face), and B) She is going through a really tough time at home right now so trying to rebuild a sensitive caring relationship during the storm would be very trying. As you said, I will plan on just being there for her in any way I can for support and love her at what ever capacity she will accept. I have to be careful also not to push the envelope and inadvertently push her away. For example.. When I get sad and can't do anything but sit around feeling sorry for myself, the last thing I should do I think is call her and tell her about it. While I know she cares and doesn't want me hurt, all I would really do is put negative memories of me in her mind. We decided to go out to a movie on thursday during the day before she goes to work. I plan on being very warm and friendly with her, but I won't tell her that I love her or anything like that. I just want to have fun with her. And when she leaves hopefully it will be with the thought that I truly am who I say I am. Someone who loves her enough to hold off on all the love I have.

 

Thanks again for your response. I can't even say how nice it is to have someone make the effort to help me out in all of this.. My heart is torn up, but I gotta keep my head up.

Cheers

[LaraV]

Nice1 - I think that sounds live a very sensible plan. Good luck and keep us posted! Or feel free to come and vent here whenever you want. We're all here to help each other.

[nice1_hurting]

You're a sweetheart. I might have to take you up on that.