Proposal dilemma

[Mathew]

Hello all,

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now and I'm ready to propose. We're traveling to Italy in a few weeks and I thought that would be a great place to do it. However, life is never that simple. Here's the story (I'll try to keep it short.)

 

I have a bit of wanderlust and every few years, I get the itch to travel to Europe. About five years ago, my previous girlfriend and I went there. Our relationship was nowhere near being ready for marriage (lots of jealousy, trust issues, etc.), but I found out later that, for some reason, she thought for sure that I was going to propose to her on that trip, even though I had told her on more than one occasion that I didn't think we were ready for marriage yet. And, halfway through the trip, we had a massive fight which essentially ruined the trip. Yet, I found out that she still thought I was going to propose on the last day of the trip. Suffice it to say I didn't propose, and the relationship ended a few years later.

 

Fast forward to today. As I mentioned, I want to propose to my girlfriend and was thinking this trip would be an awesome time to do it. However, my ex and I still work for the same company and I'm still friends with her. And although it's a big company, we still have mutual co-workers and a rumor mill to rival a high school's. So if I were to propose on this trip, it would get back to my ex (in fact, I would probably tell her myself so she wouldn't hear it through the grapevine.) Knowing her, I am certain that, even three years after our breakup, it would hurt her to know that I did propose to someone in the manner that she had expected back then. Even though we're not really close anymore, I still want to be considerate of her feelings. But I would hate to miss this unique opportunity to make a really great proposal.

 

So, my question is, should I be considerate of my ex's feelings and wait to find a great way to propose after we get back, or should I go for it in Italy? Or is there another solution?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Bittersweet603]

You're ex's for a reason, and I dont think you should even really care about what she thinks. This is your life NOW afterall, with the person you met and love. I think proposing in that way would be great..but then again coming up with something entirely different, that isnt linked to your past might be better too. Goodluck.

[norajane]

It shouldn't matter what your ex thinks.

 

But if her feelings are that important to you, I'd propose before the trip. Imagine if you had a repeat of what happened with your ex and your current gf was expecting/hoping for a proposal in Europe and you didn't propose and she got upset...

[kulyok]

I think you are a great guy about worrying about your ex, very thoughtful.

 

Maybe approaching your ex and telling her all about it yourself? You may also say sorry, if you see it hurts her. I think she'd appreciate it. Or, as norajane suggested, propose before the trip, if you are sure your current lady says yes. (If you're not, the trip could become uncomfortable).

 

By the way, perhaps a pre-proposal talk would be not such a bad idea. It's not a big deal, just: "Have you ever thought what kind of family you and I could have?" - it's not a proposal per se, but this way, if you talk long enough, you'll learn about what kind of family she wants and what her essential ideal is. This way, if you like what you see, you can go ahead with your proposal. If not... well, you can always postpone the proposal - and warn her about it, of course, so there'll be no disappointments.

 

Good luck.

[littlekitty]

Hmmm.. I'm a bit torn on this one. Part of me thinks it's pretty decent of you to consider your ex's feelings. The other parts says 'sod her' and do what you want!!

 

At the end of the day, you never promised your ex you were going to propose in Europe. That was an assumption she made. I can understand she may well be hurt, though you have been apart for quite some time now.

 

I would probably follow my heart and do what I wanted. Perhaps a quick email once it's done to the ex, letting her know nicely would be the best bet.

[luvstarved]

Here is my opinion:

 

If she is totally over you, it might slightly irritate her for a few minutes or make her feel passingly wistful but it shouldn't ruin her day or cause a big emotional problem for her. In this case, I do not see why you should alter your plans for a big event just to avoid some minor and short-lived discomfort for your ex.

 

If she is not totally over you, then I don't think you have much business still being friends with her, for her sake. If this event would hurt her feelings THAT much, then so will others for you - your wedding, having children, maybe even just being obviously HAPPY will all be upsetting to her. In this case, it is even more incorrect to be living your life in a way that "includes" her that way - operating on the basis of how she is going to take it and trying to protect her feelings in my mind is failing to acknowledge at some level that you have both moved on. If she ever realizes that you have done that, it might give her some weird sort of false hope.

 

I was so ga ga over a guy at one point in my life that when we broke up I started drinking a LOT and ended up going to rehab over it. He picked me up at the hospital when I was released and told me on the ride home that he was marrying someone else. Now THAT hurt my feelings. Still, even in retrospect, he had broken up with me months before and even though he wasn't terribly tactful, what business did I have to tell him he should get engaged in a way that was kindly to me? Now that I am WAY over him (and married to someone else) none of it bothers me at all! And I think if I had been over him then it wouldn't have either, or very little...not enough for him to rearrange his life over...

 

Well good luck in any case!