How to deal with wifes past?

[syous9]

Okay, I have never done this "forum, thread" thing before so I'm not sure if there is are certain rules to etitique. Well none the less... Here it goes.

My name is Patrick and I am in a relationship (marriage) to a girl named Emily. (If names are forbidden, I don't care. I am in desperate need of help. Why else would I do a google search) Okay, now onto the background info.

I first met Emily on Sept. 27th of 1998 and the local bowling alley. She was very attractive. So I started talking to her and we were "dating" by the 3rd of October. She was two years younger than me and I didn't know that when I first started talking to her, but when I found out, I had already fallen for her and didn't care. Her parents allowed the relationship to continue and we dated for a little while. I know they say that, at that age, you are too young to experience love. I beg to differ. I was absolutely in love with Emily. I took her to my senior prom and almost made love to her. I knew she was a virgin and I wanted to make it special. I didn't know what love was until I met her. I wasn't a virgin, but my first sexual experience was nothing to be proud. and I wanted to do it right this time. I took her to the motel room and we made out for a while, then she wanted to go home, so I took her home. I never pressured her to do anything she was uncomfortable doing or didn't want to do. I kept my schedule of going to see her every chance I got. But in June the following year she left me, stating she couldn't see me anymore. The relationship had gotten a little serious and I think that scared her. That day was June 19th and I'll never forget. I just sat there by the pool where she had broken the news to me and I was petrified. I couldn't move. She left and I just sat there crying my heart out. I must have sat there for 3 or 4 hours, but it felt a lot longer than that. I went home and walked straight to my room and didn't come out for three days. (I know, I know, a little cliché) My dad is a truck driver and finally got home and came to have a talk to me. He told me to "man up". I had graduated already and it was time for me to start my life. Even though I thought my life was over, he assured me I would heal over time. So, I moved about 75 miles away. I couldn't get on with my life staying in the same area, everything reminded me of her and I would literally break down. And I told every girl I met from then on with the possibility of a relationship that if Emily ever came back. I'd leave them in a heartbeat. So I lived in Austin for a while, with my (step) sisters. Then the lease was over and I moved back home. I started working at 7-11 and made it to a manager position. Then on May 14th, 2000, it happened. Mind you that I have thought of Emily EVERY SINGLE DAY. A few times a day, in fact. Well, she walked into my store. I tried to remain calm and look normal on the outside, but inside my heart was dieing. I waited for her to leave and I went to the office and hit the floor hard. Crying and sobbing uncontrollably. The store manager let me go home after I got myself together. Fast forward.... I had joined the navy and married a girl I didn't care about in January of 2001. I still have no idea what I was thinking. Well, the next four years were the worst of my life. I actually had to drink a few "T-Bomb's" (Jim Beam and Dr. Pepper) at a friends house just to go home every night. Although, I do have a daughter from that horrible and terrible marriage, so I guess it happened for a reason. Then I got stationed in the Middle East, and started the divorce process. I was in the Middle East for about two months when I got a call from my pop (the closest person to me in my life. He knows how much I missed Emily) on October 1st, 2005 and he told me that I had gotten a letter in the mail and gave me a number to call. It was 10:30 p.m. for me, which meant it was 2:30 in Texas. I called the number and got the voicemail. I heard the voice and it said the name Emily. I snapped, I started crying and letting out over 6 years of pain and longing. I left a message saying I'd call back in a few minutes. I smoked about 15 cigarettes in 5 minutes and called back. This time she answered, I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone that you have thought about on a constant basis for over 6 years, but haven't seen? She started the conversation and asked how I was. She said that she was sorry she left me and how she left things between us. I paid 3.49 a minute that day and we talked for about 10 minutes. That’s all I could withstand. I let her go and wondered what she wanted. Why did she come back into my life? I was so glad she had, but at the same time was experiencing true agony. I called her everyday that month and racked up an 1800 dollar phone bill. I decided that she had come back to me and for that I was grateful. I knew I wanted to be with her. So we talked about our lives and I told her I was in the final stages of ending the absolute worst relationship of my life. I told her I had gotten married to someone I didn't like for a reason I didn't know. Then she told me how she too, was in a horrible abusive relationship (not physically) with a guy named Brady. She told me how she dated him for about 4 years (the same amount of time I was in my relationship). Then she told me some disturbing news. She told me Brady was her first and that she dated him a little bit after she left me. This was torture to know that she didn't pick me to be her first, even though we loved each other. No, she had to pick this guy, who couldn't have cared for her as much as I did. Then we had "THE TALK". The talk about how many and what not. I said that I had put myself in a few situations that could have resulted in me getting laid, but I can honestly say I didn't go through with any of them. I couldn't. I kept thinking of her. I did have intimate relations with HER (what I call my ex-wife). But I literally had to get drunk to do so and it only happened 4-5 times in 4 years. So my experience was my horrible first time and HER. Now, it was Emily's turn and she told me that she had been with 4 guys. I totally did not know how to comprehend this and since I have a very analytical brain. So, like any idiotic male, I asked for details. Thinking if I knew about it, it would be easier for me to cope with this. It didn't work. We had already started to consider ourselves dating again, by this point. She told me that Brady had been her first and that it wasn't good. Then she continued to tell me about a friend she had named James. She said that she worked with him and they used to hang out. He was supposedly gay. then one night at his house, he kissed her.. That’s it!!! He just kissed her and since he made the first move, she slept with him. Then they started hanging out less and less. He confessed to her that he had feelings for her. (Yeah, and he was supposed to be gay). Then she told me about this guy named Steve that she met through a mutual friend. Steve had a roommate or two and Emily and her friend would go over there to hang out. Then one day she went over there by herself and Steve was there and he invited her to his room to "talk". He then made the advance and kissed her. Well, we all know what happened next. Since he made the first move and kissed her. She slept with him too. She didn't know his last name, how old he was, where he was from... NOTHING. She just slept with him, just like that... Then, came the WHAMMY of them all. She told me about how she went to Rosebud for a while and met this guy named T.J. but hadn't seen him in a while and one night she ran into him at a bar in Temple. T.J. had a friend with him that Emily didn’t know named Cody. Well they started chatting and Emily invited T.J. and his friend Cody back to her friend Misty’s apartment for a few drinks by the pool. (Okay, the next few lines I am going to write are quite graphic and explicit, so read at your own risk. This is the only way I know how to say it and talk about it) Now Emily tells me that she doesn’t know how it all started, but the next thing she knew, her shorts were down around her knees. She was bent over while T.J. was ramming into her from behind as she bent over and was giving Cody (a guy she met only hours earlier) head.

Well... There is definitely more to the story than that. How her story changes ever so slightly every time we talk about it, the letter I found that she wrote to James, how she did not have any detectable sorrow in her voice when she told me all this, and other minor stuff. But that is about it, at least the main portion. So if any of you know how to put it into a different light, how to teach me techniques on how to deal with this and over come it, or simply to find solace. Please, I am begging you, for I fear that I can not go on any further and will have to end the relationship. I have already attended personal counseling to no avail.

Patrick

[bluechocolate]

I think you have more problems to deal with here than her, really rather tame, sexual past.

 

I have already attended personal counseling to no avail.

Find a different counselor & keep trying.

[syous9]

Okay. Well, if you have an opinion. Please voice it. Am I overlooking something. I am so glad you can say that what I feel are my problems rather tame. What may be tame to you, may be devestation to me.

[syous9]

By the way, did I mention that I am still oversea's and trying to deal with this, basically on my own.

[bluechocolate]

You have, what is to me, a debilitating obsession about a high-school sweet heart. You haven't seen her in 6 years yet just the thought of a phone call sends you into fits. This is not healthy, not in any way, shape or form.

 

You call her 'wife' - well just because in your mind that is what she is that doesn't make it so. You are not married. She is not your wife. She has never been your wife. Or did I miss something here?

 

Now you've lived through years of torture without her, years when you've thought about here EVERY SINGLE DAY. When you've got her back (at least on the telephone so far) instead of being happy & euphoric that she's come back to you, you are obsessing about something that happened, what?, 8 years ago? 10 years ago? Something that no one can change & no one can be blamed for.

 

Find a different counselor & keep trying.

 

That is my opinion, seriously.

 

Tame or devastating, it doesn't really matter. Her past is not the problem here.

[syous9]

Yes. I do think you missed something. She came to visit me in january and I proposed to her. We were married when I took leave in June. I felt that this was something I could handle and deal with. Now, as you can see, it is not as easy as I imagined.. So, she IS my wife..

[syous9]

And, in your opinion, what is the real problem here? I really do want to remain objective. But to be perfectly honest, you are making it difficult, perceiving that I am living in a fantasy land and what not.

[bluechocolate]

Yes. I do think you missed something. She came to visit me in January and I proposed to her. We were married when I took leave in June.

 

Well, no I didn't miss that because it is not in your first post. However, this is what you wrote:

 

We had already started to consider ourselves dating again, by this point.

 

 

 

Whatever, this bears repeating:

 

Now you've lived through years of torture without her, years when you've thought about here EVERY SINGLE DAY. When you've got her back instead of being happy & euphoric that she's come back to you, you are obsessing about something that happened, what?, 8 years ago? 10 years ago? Something that no one can change & no one can be blamed for.

 

 

Anyway, clearly I can't help you here. If the only issue is her sexual past then 4 guys is nothing to get so worked up about, but you think it is, so there you go.

 

Maybe someone else will come along with something that you want to hear.

 

Peace.

[HeyYouGuys]

Hi Patrick

 

I agree with other posters here, find a better counselor who can help you move past this.

 

From what I gather, Emily was very young when she had these experiences. Many young people have some wild and crazy moments. This does not make them bad people. How would you feel if your past were unravelled before a panel of judges to be viewed and critiqued?

 

You made mistakes too. You admittedly married someone you didn't care for....and what a huge and terrible mistake that was! You act as if you and you alone suffered through that marriage. Well, I'm sure the unloved ex-wife felt horribly alone and sad as well. I did not see any sympathy expressed for her....that woman you led into a false marriage.

 

Before you judge Emily, take a look at yourself.

 

Emily does not owe it to you or anyone else to be 'sorrowful' over her escapades. A little embarressed maybe? Maybe. Or perhaps she laughs over those memories. Who knows.

(I am wondering why she needed to give you such a mental eyeful of details, however. I'll put it down to youth and inexperience).

 

 

When I think of the unspeakable horrors that happen in war-torn countries overseas.....the issue of Emily's 'activities' seems like small change indeed. Perhaps reflecting on what is really important in life, how brief and fleeting and fragile life is, might be helpful to you.

 

 

Finally, your obsession with Emily seems a little over the top. Yes, true love can be very painful, but time passes and people learn to cope with loss. They move on. The fact that you hung so tightly onto the memory of her, and were so easily crushed and debilitated by the sight of her or the sound of her voice, makes me wonder how much of your love is actually infatuation based on fantasy?

 

 

I think in addition to individual therapy, you might also consider some marriage counseling to help you both develop a stronger foundation for your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[syous9]

So, it is to the consensus that everyone here feels that I need to just move on.. Okay, will do.. Not really what I was looking for. I felt that my feelings were valid, but as I can see that they are not. I am probably no more than just a "young dude" that has yet to experience live. With my sheltered military life and responding to actual deaths and having to see that. I see that I should just let her go and try to be an adult.. Is this what you are all saying. At least the two people that had the courage to write it. Thanks.. I will now leave this forum. I only came here to try and get help with these issues.. My issues and I see that I came to the wrong place cause according to "loveshack.com" I have no issues to be concerned with.

[bluechocolate]

I just love it when people ask for objective opinions & then dismiss them 'cause it is not what they wanted to hear in the first place.

 

 

My issues and I see that I came to the wrong place cause according to "loveshack.com" I have no issues to be concerned with.

 

 

I don't think you even read what either one of us wrote, you certainly didn't reply in any sort of constructive manner. I think I am beginning to see why the personal counseling you attended was to no avail.

[RecordProducer]

Dear Patrick,

 

You show signs of compulsive obsession with Emily. Although you've been trying hard to (or have you) to fight this obsession, it hasn't given any good results, has it? You call it love and think it's love, but it's not. We love people for who they represent and what they give us. We have unconditional love for our children (we love them no matter what), but it's not healthy to love someone so distant so unconditionally.

 

When our whole world revolves around one person who hasn't been in our lives for a long time, you know that something is wrong. You refuse to write her off and move on. Can you please explain why is Emily so special? I don't think you can handle this problem without professional help.

 

Emily is not taking you seriously, I would say. To brag about your sexual experiences in front of someone who loves you is not an attempt to leave a good impression. I have a lot of understanding for experimenting and don't call women bad names easily. But frankly, if I had the experienced she mentioned with TJ and Cody, I would be ashamed and my husband would be the last one to find out about it from me, because I wouldn't want him to get the impression that I am into it.

 

You said

My name is Patrick and I am in a relationship (marriage) to a girl named Emily.

Are you married to her? Are you still in the Middle East or are you seeing Emily regularly?

[quankanne]

I felt that my feelings were valid, but as I can see that they are not. I am probably no more than just a "young dude" that has yet to experience live. With my sheltered military life and responding to actual deaths and having to see that. I see that I should just let her go and try to be an adult.. Is this what you are all saying.

 

no one is telling you that your feelings are not valid ... but rather, they're saying that while this is an issue, it's not as big or blown up as you make it out to be. Her past – just like your past – is just that. Past. Over. And you really shouldn't be fishing in it for unnecessary pain. My guess is that you're more obsessed with this girl and you're looking at her as an idealized version of herself, so when reality hits, you're not capable of handling it. She's slept with different men ... hate to tell you, but people do that. Her sexual past is of no concern to you, other than the need to know if she's "clean" (not carrying any diseases). The more emphasis you place on it, the more unhappy you're going to become, and that's wasting valuable time you've got with her.

 

go talk to your base chaplain, who probably can give you pointers about forgiveness. Because until you make peace with the fact that she had a life outside you, you're gonna be miserable, especially if you keep dragging it up.