I need a list

[a4a]

Are you having a melt-down like I was having?

 

Life gets routine, expected, mundane, and too normal at times.

Daily stresses, expectations, and routines will stir anxiety in us.

 

Maybe you just need to break out of the total norm..

 

Do something majorly different together..

 

Look at me for example:

I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt like everything was out of control. I was becoming more depressed and irrational as the days ticked by.

I've been in a consistant routine for almost 3 years daily. There have been some changes here and there but nothing that eased my tension or totally free'd me from the daily grind.

 

I say take that hubby of yours (hire someone to do the daily chores for 2 days) and get the hell off the farm. Pack up some goodies, grab a tent if you like to rough it, or delve into a bed & breakfast with scenery that is opposite of what you are use too.

 

I've lived in a big city for 9 years. (3 yrs in suburb of Minneapolis- 6 years in Fargo, ND) For me to break out of the city atmosphere was like heaven on earth to me. Going up to Charlies cabin, on the lake, no radio or tv, fresh air, no traffic, wild life was the opposite in my life these days.

 

If your in the country maybe a little bit of city life will do you a wee bit of good or go deeper into the country and rough it..

 

I think your missing adventure. The type of adventure that brings you and your hubby to joke around and blossom each others personality the way it was when you first were dating.

 

Break your rountine and go someplace not so familiar where you both look toward one another as partners instead of yourselfs as individuals..

 

In all this your hubby will find his creative side again if he can lt his mind go free of the responsibilities of home and work..

 

Get him to tap into the raw unseasoned area of his brain on his own...

 

Giving him a list is fine and dandy but your giving him the answers. I think you would much more enjoy something he spontaniously out of character did for you.. Something unexpected and if your lives are mundane and routine his creative juices won't flow well. He needs to have his mind open up.. Its too clogged from the daily grind.

 

This is my opinion.... Take him for a canoe ride and tip the frickin boat and then laugh at him... go for a walk along a river and start a mud fight ...

 

Be like teenagers again. Find the child inside of you!! Make his inner child come out too.

 

There is more to life then SEX.. Sex is good, sex is great, we love it but get out of bed and get life back.

 

 

he won't go. I planned a rafting trip and as usual he just pooped out on it.

 

he acts like he is 80 now..... was not that way.

 

I would run out the door at this moment to go skydiving or even streaking if I knew I would not end up in jail......him .......... nope....... dull city..... boring........ yawn...... happy in his new found humdrum ways.

[basscatcher]

he won't go. I planned a rafting trip and as usual he just pooped out on it.

 

he acts like he is 80 now..... was not that way.

 

I would run out the door at this moment to go skydiving or even streaking if I knew I would not end up in jail......him .......... nope....... dull city..... boring........ yawn...... happy in his new found humdrum ways.

 

 

Hmm, Then take him for a long walk in the pasture, set up a blanket under the stars. bring a couple water gun pistols (secretly) and get him when he least expects it after your looking at the stars.

Give him humdrum but do an unexpected. Make sure you toss him a water pistol so he can feel the fun too.

 

Better yet if you want the naked thing-- then strip and run in the pasture... Hell I would..

[CynicalP]

oh you want that list do ya?

 

besides the general things like his laundry dinners and what I think are trivial things like running errands for him and what not.

 

ok

 

gifts, things he mentions I take heed when he says he likes something. (many many gifts from clothing to pet chickens)

needs new tires I go get them for him

I will go out of my way and pick him up beer for a surprise on the weekend

tell him always how sexy and smart he is.

I make his lunch for work at 6:30 am many times for him

Take him out for surprise dinner and drinks

clean his work shop as a surprise

Oh do everything around here so he can have fun on the weekends, not just do what needs to be done.

blow jobs at the slightest hint of him wanting one....even a highway hummer here or there.

wash him in the shower

back rubs

foot rubs if they are clean

of course the mundane things but I don't think washing his clothing or cooking dinner is not that grand of a thing. But I do make him special gourmet dinners things that I know he likes.

pick up materials he needs for a project he wants to work on.

sleeps in on the weekends........ I never wake him, I do all the morning work every morning here.

play with him..... I may run buck ass naked thru the house bite him in the ass and just keep running.

buy him tools he wanted- surprised

gave him a horse he wanted

 

I know there is more but I never really tried to keep a record.

 

 

Ah very nice indeed! I am very impressed you do way more then my wife would do; especially the BJ at a moment's notice part.

 

 

Here's a couple of things to add to your list.

 

Along your cooking lesson idea have him take grilling lessons which are viewed more manly. Have him set up a romantic table, grill you up some food and do the dishes afterward.

 

Have him get you a gift certificate to massage/spa where you get pampered to your hearts content. While your out getting pampered he is does the grocery shopping (make sure you provide him with a detailed list of brand items you want).

 

Give you X amount of money for a shopping spree ( for just you ) and while your out shopping he does a thorough cleaning of the house.

 

Other guys covers the basics with love notes, random gifts, cuddling and affirmations of his undying love for you.

 

Basically he should be doing the same things for you as you do for him.

[JamesM]

First, a4a, if he does everything you said he did earlier, then I think you do have a great guy. For all of the threads you have started "complaining" about his lack of love for you and what he doesn't do for you, it is a pleasure to read what he DOES do for you. And has been said, based on that list, many women would kill for a man like that.

 

Second, here is your quote...

 

See here I am again doing the work for him now thinking about it I am getting a tad bitter.

 

Now with my bitter outlook I am thinking. Hummm..... I bet I do all this research as he as asked me to " I am clueless, help me" and I present it to him and he does nothing with it.

 

I am beginning to think that what bugs you the most is that he needs to be told to do these things. Why is he so insecure that he cannot think of things by himself to do? Why does he want you to present him with a list? Either he has "no clue" as you say, or he has run out of ideas that will satisfy your craving for his special attention. I am puzzled.

 

Now, I think it comes down to the forethought and planning he is willing to do in advance without any prompting from you. Me picking up flowers does nothing for my wife...unless it is unusual. When she tells me what to buy her, this is good, but not special. When I take the time to think of something she would like that she hadn't thought of herself, this is special. Examples...a little thing. We had a conversation about her white stoneware plates having gray marks. She just purchased some used ones that did not. Out loud she wondered if the marks would come off hers, and she would have to check for a cleaner. I went online and googled the problem (I am a walking ad for Google ). A couple of days later, I mentioned that I found such a cleaner and ordered it. This little thing is special to her, not because it was flowers or a candlelit dinner, not because it was expensive...because I actually heard her talk and took the time to solve a problem for her.

 

A bigger example..for her big 30 a number of years ago, I planned an overnight trip with a reserved motel, limousine, restaurant reservations, new cloths (I didn't know how to get hers out!), and b-day gifts. I came to the door and picked her up with my suit on. All of these details showed that I had to plan each step so that she wouldn't find out, pay for it without her discovering the deductions from the account, and figuring out what she would like. THAT was the hard part. And I had to find out the size of her clothing from top to bottom...and pick things she would like.

 

Here is the thing...if I did this every birthday, it would no longer be special. And no longer romantic. It is me taking the time to think up new ways to surprise her and show her that she means the world to me. We could give you a list for him to do. He could cross each one off as he did it, and I am willing to guess that you would not be satisifed. Why? Because as your quote says, you made the list. He did not have to take the time to learn your likes and dislikes, he simply followed a plan. What makes romance special is the fact that our partner took the time to do that special thing at the right time because he or she loved us. Cleaning the house can be incredibly romantic...if it is unexpected. Unfortunately for us husbands who do alot of it, it is expected...not romantic.

 

SO, make your list, give it to him, and you still won't be happy. He needs to take the time to study you and educate himself as to what makes you tick and what makes you "explode"...in the good sense. Love is a choice and an action.

[Moose]

SO, make your list, give it to him, and you still won't be happy. He needs to take the time to study you and educate himself as to what makes you tick and what makes you "explode"...in the good sense. Love is a choice and an action.

Man....JM, thank you for taking the time to explain this in the long version...

 

I'm sorry to say that it's in vain to the OP......but just so you know.....I appreciated it.....

[Walk]

a4a

 

I wish you'd start a list for women on what special, great things to do for a bf/husband.

 

We could syndicate it. Create our own website. A4a's renowned "How to make your man into pudding!" j/k.

 

If you wanted to start up a thread on it, I'd be an avid reader of the great ideas you come up with. I got some good ones from the small list you already provided. I know you don't have time right now.. but maybe later. I'd love to see more of your ideas. I'm gonna try the "naked run by biting" next chance I get.

[a4a]

First, a4a, if he does everything you said he did earlier, then I think you do have a great guy. For all of the threads you have started "complaining" about his lack of love for you and what he doesn't do for you, it is a pleasure to read what he DOES do for you. And has been said, based on that list, many women would kill for a man like that.

 

Just because other people may think he is a great guy does not mean that he lives up to my expectations or desires. Some women would be pleased if their husbands did not beat them too. (now with this said please understand that I find it to be very irritating to be told I have to live to another persons standards and it may show below, but not directed personally at you James)

 

 

If you are trying to convince me he is a nice guy. I already know this, otherwise I would not be here. I tell ya' if that is all a woman wants or desires from a man is to pick up his own dirty socks and to say I love you on occassion .......that is pathetic in my view. I did not post this to be convinced that my husband is not a complete *******. I am aware he has good qualities. So lets not debate that ok. I have high standards for any person I get involved with, my choice. I wish to be treated in a manner in which I desire. Just as I treat him in a manner in which he desires. We do not live or set our standards to what others may. We have our own.

 

He certainly would not tolerate a wife who could not mow the lawn or carry her own weight and not be able to do the things that I do. He would not tolerate a fru fru women that did not want to get dirty or was afraid to break a finger nail.

 

That list is what any man or woman should do. That is a given in my world. And a given in my H's world as well. He would not settle for less from me either. I meet those needs and surpass them without him asking me to. I expect a slight return is all. Just a little bit back.

 

I am beginning to think that what bugs you the most is that he needs to be told to do these things. Why is he so insecure that he cannot think of things by himself to do?

 

He is not insecure but lacks the actual drive to execute the plan. Walk pinned this herself as she is very similar to my H in that respect. Does not plan ahead and actually take the action on getting the plan done....... nothing to do with insecurity...... it is called being lazy and procrastinates on such things (sorry Walk but it is kinda like that????). And it does bug me that I have to tell him that I would like these things repeatedly.

 

He also has had no example in his life to follow. (his words) Thus he wanted a list and a source to help guide him along.

 

 

bigger example..for her big 30 a number of years ago, I planned an overnight trip with a reserved motel, limousine, restaurant reservations, new cloths (I didn't know how to get hers out!), and b-day gifts. I came to the door and picked her up with my suit on. All of these details showed that I had to plan each step so that she wouldn't find out, pay for it without her discovering the deductions from the account, and figuring out what she would like. THAT was the hard part. And I had to find out the size of her clothing from top to bottom...and pick things she would like.

 

See that is awesome...... I do not expect this every day, even every holiday. This would be what I would consider a huge ordeal. But a birthday present would be nice.....even if it was just a nice bath robe.... :lmao:

 

. Unfortunately for us husbands who do alot of it, it is expected...not romantic.

 

ahhh........ here we step back into the 50's again. Of course a man should clean up after himself and clean up the house. Just because he has a penis does not mean he can't clean.......sheesh. Just like I mow the lawn, put up fence, trim hooves, and swing a hammer even tho I have a vagina.... is my hammer swinging romantic??? NO.... it is part of being in a partnership and sharing the work load..... not romantic or a action of love. I do the same helping friends.

 

So this is not rehashed again....... I was just looking for a list that he requested. My husband says himself that he does not do enough for me. HE SAYS THIS - GET IT - HE SAYS IT. So if he is aware of it, wishes to do something about it, then why are people trying to convince me that he should not bother and that I am some how out of line with my desires?

 

I am tired of defending what I want from him. If others think doing a couple of dishes and not whoring around makes a perfect man .... good for them I have higher standards and I probably give more as well then many women.

 

I gave him the list last night. I do expect him to show me some effort.

 

And lets get one thing clear. If he does do something for me I do tell him how much I appreciate it. Like he made my coffee this morn. So I told him thank you and how sweet that was...... I don't just tell him he does nothing for me, I do not bitch at him. I do not say "nothing" if he were to ask what is wrong. I am crystal clear with my expectations and my desires...... no guessing needed.

 

And how do you like my list at what I do for him? I surprise him often with gifts and always always tell him how wonderful he is. I tell him about his cute butt and sexy eyes....... I get nothing in return..... I don't get a thank you for making dinner last night, or his back rub. Nor do I expect it as he always tells me when I tell him thank you he says "you don't have to thank me"......wtf but saying thank you is not something he does so I accept that.

 

In conclusion..... get off my back that my desires are out of line. And that some how I am cruel to him. As I said before I do not mistreat him at all. Recently I did lose my temper with him. More so he says he deserved it.

 

So if my H agrees that he has been a f-up for months, I am asking him to stop it....... how the hell am I out of line or asking too much of him if he agrees that he has slacked and has been an ass?

 

I do not settle for less. I will not. I do not have to. If I am going to share my life and be obligated to him I expect to be treated in a manner if which I desire. I do not have to have a relationship to feel fulfilled, I can be quite content on my own. I do not want a person in my life that does not treat me in a manner that I find desirable.

 

If my desire was for him to bring me flowers every day or if I expected a new yacht on my birthday every year.... then that is what I want. If he is unwilling to do those things he cannot expect me to stick around.

 

If he wants a wife that can shingle the roof... then that is what I will do for him.

 

This is not a one way street here.... just I have been doing all the giving and meeting his desires and he has not met mine. Enough is enough. Now it is his choice start living up to my expectations or I leave.

 

Fine example why I get pissed/ feel hurt and unappreciated

:

Since I am working from home today I am going to go crawl under the house and remove the old stove vent that is useless and is taking up space in the cabinet. I have asked nicely at least 4 times for his help doing this or for him to do so for at least 4 months, it has been like that for over a year....... See if he would have done it I would have been thrilled! Just like the dryer vent that had to be replaced..... for 6 months... I ended up doing that too...... all I want is for him to show me that he appreciates me in a manner in which I desire. Helping with the stove vent would be one way to do so.... or for that matter him doing it on his own..... is that too much to expect/desire? BTW it is on the to do list we both created last month. He said he would do it. Just like he says he will do a lot of things.

[Moose]

The truth is, there isn't a woman alive today that is so, "all of that", to where a man has to bend over backwards to please her like this.

 

And you don't understand that.......

[2sunny]

The truth is, there isn't a woman alive today that is so, "all of that", to where a man has to bend over backwards to please her like this.

 

And you don't understand that.......

 

Sure she understands it... she is not asking for perfection, just a bit of "spicing it up" type of "pay attention to a few things" attitude...

 

Don't be so quick to criticize Moose, she is obviously a bit "smarter than the average bear" and her humor shows this trait very well...

 

We are here to help - keep that in mind - humor and all!

[a4a]

The truth is, there isn't a woman alive today that is so, "all of that", to where a man has to bend over backwards to please her like this.

 

And you don't understand that.......

 

oh getting me a birthday gift is bending over backwards? :lmao:

 

LMAO!!!!

 

Your right.... so right thinking a person who says they love you and having an expectation of a birthday gift is way way the F outta line..... :lmao:

 

Oh maybe I am out of line too thinking he should not screw other women?

 

Shame on me ..... I must remember to be meek and mild at all times, obey my husband. I am lucky that he will even gaze in my direction. :lmao:

 

Moose you got issues..... do me a favor and please just stop posting to my threads. I know you love me but it just won't work out between us. :lmao:

 

Go make your wife knit, churn butter, and keep her in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant..... but stop thinking the rest of the world has to be like you.... or for that matter would ever desire to be like you. But you don't understand that do you? :lmao:

[a4a]

Sure she understands it... she is not asking for perfection, just a bit of "spicing it up" type of "pay attention to a few things" attitude...

 

Don't be so quick to criticize Moose, she is obviously a bit "smarter than the average bear" and her humor shows this trait very well...

 

We are here to help - keep that in mind - humor and all!

 

Sunny don't bother .... it is obvious that he can only deal with females that submit to men. They should do as they are told and the man will provide them with food, shelter, and affection in a manner that the man sees fit.

 

In return the female will be content knowing that she serves her man. That is her role and her reward. :lmao:

[2sunny]

oh getting me a birthday gift is bending over backwards? :lmao:

 

LMAO!!!!

 

Your right.... so right thinking a person who says they love you and having an expectation of a birthday gift is way way the F outta line..... :lmao:

 

Oh maybe I am out of line too thinking he should not screw other women?

 

Shame on me ..... I must remember to be meek and mild at all times, obey my husband. I am lucky that he will even gaze in my direction. :lmao:

 

Moose you got issues..... do me a favor and please just stop posting to my threads. I know you love me but it just won't work out between us. :lmao:

 

Go make your wife knit, churn butter, and keep her in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant..... but stop thinking the rest of the world has to be like you.... or for that matter would ever desire to be like you. But you don't understand that do you? :lmao:

 

oh honey - he has a h@rd on for you and you know it! he he

[Moose]

oh getting me a birthday gift is bending over backwards? :lmao:

Be real. Your list has a helluva lot more than a birthday gift in mind.....don't flip-flop......

 

I think you have a good/great husband. You should be happy you have him, and have more patients with him. In time, he'll be what you want.

 

And the list you gave that you do for him???? I wonder how much of that is actually true. Women like that don't exist.....

[a4a]

Be real. Your list has a helluva lot more than a birthday gift in mind.....don't flip-flop......

 

I think you have a good/great husband. You should be happy you have him, and have more patients with him. In time, he'll be what you want.

 

And the list you gave that you do for him???? I wonder how much of that is actually true. Women like that don't exist.....[/QUOTE]

 

 

LMAO!!! maybe not the ones you can attract but yeppers we are out here.

and the list is actually way way longer.

 

As for the BJs..... he never even has to ask for those... nope. I ask if he wants one. (shocking isn't it ) Sometimes I get in the shower with him and just surprise him with them :eek:

 

add onto that I pay the bills around here too......

 

and he said yesterday he wanted peanut butter topping for his ice cream, we could not find it.... so I am online now looking to order some for him. And I am heading out to mow the lawn since I am home once the grass drys out a tad.... yep..... for him so he doesn't have to do it. He likes the lawn neat and tidy...... I will probably blow him tonight too. Oh and he wants tacos for dinner so that is what I will be making for dinner tonight too..... yep it's for real.

 

It is real Moose....... and I am pretty hot looking too.... nice 118 lbs this morn with a 36c.....a 28" waise and an ass to die for. No bag required for my head either...... :lmao: :lmao: My H is also very attractive. Very handsome face... lean but all muscle......can bend like gumby and is hung like a horse :lmao:

 

and I think my list is quite reasonable.... I did not request and luxury items just some nice well thought out date nights and affection in a manner I would like........ that is not out of line.

 

and what I do for him is not all that grand. I am working on a surprise trip to Ireland for him if things work out between us...... yep for real. I just cannot figure out how to trick him into a renewed passport...... I may fake a cruise and switch trips up on him...... yep...... I do these kinda things for him. I did these kinda things for others as well that I have been in R's with.

 

Why don't you start a thread on marriage roles... what a womans role should be and a mans role instead of trying to use my threads to make your point. You seem to be the guru on it.... teach us oh masterful one.

[Moose]

You're just the exception to the rule on just about everything aren't you?.....

 

You're husband is a very blessed man.....he should worship the ground you walk on....

 

HOW Stupid of me to think you're just a normal person with a normal relationship.......you're soooo much more than that!!!

 

Wow....wish there were more like you a4a........

[a4a]

You're just the exception to the rule on just about everything aren't you?.....

 

You're husband is a very blessed man.....he should worship the ground you walk on....

 

HOW Stupid of me to think you're just a normal person with a normal relationship.......you're soooo much more than that!!!

 

Wow....wish there were more like you a4a........

 

 

sorry I am out of your acceptable parameters...

 

.

Many men would kill to have a woman like me...... :lmao:

 

and as for a normal relationship mine is very normal to me. Now to an Amish dude..... he may think it is not normal......but I think his is not normal either.

But more mule power to him and his Amish relationship. I don't feel the constant urge to tell him he is wrong. It is kinda fun to look at the differences but to each there own. And I have a friend with an open M and it is not for me (abnormal IMHO) but more power to him and his wife too! Rock on peeps. Glad they are happy with it.... as long as it is what they want.

 

and yep one of the reasons my H wanted to marry me is because he said I am not like many typical fru fru game playing females (no offense ladies, but you know what I mean).

[2sunny]

sorry I am out of your acceptable parameters...

 

.

Many men would kill to have a woman like me...... :lmao:

 

and as for a normal relationship mine is very normal to me. Now to an Amish dude..... he may think it is not normal......but I think his is not normal either.

But more mule power to him and his Amish relationship. I don't feel the constant urge to tell him he is wrong. It is kinda fun to look at the differences but to each there own. And I have a friend with an open M and it is not for me (abnormal IMHO) but more power to him and his wife too! Rock on peeps. Glad they are happy with it.... as long as it is what they want.

 

and yep one of the reasons my H wanted to marry me is because he said I am not like many typical fru fru game playing females (no offense ladies, but you know what I mean).

 

 

you just want to rub that bald head of his.... :lmao:

[Moose]

you just want to rub that bald head of his.... :lmao:

It'll be easy for her to do so while I'm kissing her feet.....

[JamesM]

a4a, I take no offense. You do not know me...just my posts, so I am bound to say the wrong thing more than once. BTW, my idea of the wife's role is NOT that she should be barefoot and pregnant. Nor do I think she should stay home. My wife works, takes care of children, pays bills, and alot more that I know I can never appreciate enough. Having said that, I wonder what your husband's expectations are and should be for you...not for A wife, but for YOU. I feel that he has the expectation that you will do whatever he doesn't. And yes, I know my wife has done things that I didn't get to, and yes, I am afraid that there are things I should do around the house to "fix" it up. I am far from the perfect husband.

 

I have high standards for any person I get involved with, my choice. I wish to be treated in a manner in which I desire. Just as I treat him in a manner in which he desires. We do not live or set our standards to what others may. We have our own.

 

Herein lies the whole thread. I personally...me talking for him...can't do that...don't bother telling me that...but here it is...could he have given up trying to meet your standards? Are the standards today the same as they were when he met you? Does he have a busier life and therefore has too much on his plate? Or has he lost his love for you and feels that his workshop, friends, or couch provides more relaxation or pleasure? This is not meant to be derogatory...just analyzing.

 

That list is what any man or woman should do. That is a given in my world. And a given in my H's world as well. He would not settle for less from me either. I meet those needs and surpass them without him asking me to. I expect a slight return is all. Just a little bit back.

 

What does he say that you DON'T do for him? Does he dare tell you? Do you feel that you have an open communication that he is not afraid to tell you where you have failed to meet his expectations? You expect just a little bit back, and yet you provide a list where he does quite a bit. How do you know that this is a given in your husband's world? I agree that there are many things he can do, but maybe he accepts you as you are rather than that you meet his standards...those are two different things.

 

ahhh........ here we step back into the 50's again. Of course a man should clean up after himself and clean up the house. Just because he has a penis does not mean he can't clean.......sheesh. Just like I mow the lawn, put up fence, trim hooves, and swing a hammer even tho I have a vagina.... is my hammer swinging romantic??? NO.... it is part of being in a partnership and sharing the work load..... not romantic or a action of love. I do the same helping friends.

 

What is this crap of stepping back into the 50s? Common appreciation among spouses makes the world alot better place. When I mean clean, I mean do everything so, that when she again has the time, she can actually sit down instead of even doing anything. Picking up my own socks is expected, picking up her socks is love. Mowing the lawn, etc. is woman's work where my wife comes from...yet she will do things for me that I need to do to make my life easier. Just as I need to do...and do...things that she plans on doing to make her life easier. She was raised on a dairy farm and can do it all, but that isn't the point. We not only share the load but we must appreciate what is expected. Yes, there are duties that are hers....and mine. What makes them "fun?" When I do laundry or dishes or vacuuming, I "enjoy" doing them knowing that this is making her life easier...knowing that she will be able to sit down and read or relax. If I did them because that is my duty, then the fun has left. No, we do our duties to make our marriage better. Appreciating him picking up his socks because he knows that this makes your life easier, and loving him because he picks up yours, too, ...that is what makes a marriage work. Assigning duties makes the partnership a business, not a loving relationship. Making a list of things he can do to show love for your is like giving your husband a list of gifts to buy....yes, you appreciate them, but inside you wish he would take the time to make his own list.

 

Being romantic is showing your partner that you love him or her by doing those things that make his or her life easier. It is not only by doing those things that are out of the ordinary. Sharing the workload is showing love to one another. When he doesn't do the list of chores, then he needs to step up. I am still puzzled by the 50s comment. And not having a role model is not an excuse. I do many things my father did not, yet I fail in many areas my father excelled in...IMHO.

 

He is not insecure but lacks the actual drive to execute the plan. Walk pinned this herself as she is very similar to my H in that respect. Does not plan ahead and actually take the action on getting the plan done....... nothing to do with insecurity...... it is called being lazy and procrastinates on such things (sorry Walk but it is kinda like that????). And it does bug me that I have to tell him that I would like these things repeatedly.

 

He also has had no example in his life to follow. (his words) Thus he wanted a list and a source to help guide him along.

 

Lacking the actual drive can come from many things. He may be angry at you and doesn't dare tell you. He shows it by being passive agressive. He knows in his heart that not doing your list makes you angry...so he got you. He doesn't...and won't...tell you because that means confrontation.

 

He may lack drive because he doesn't feel that it is important enough in his list of priorities...ie lacks love.

 

He may lack drive because he is afraid of failure. He feels inward that he may go through all of the effort, but he cannot do it to perfection and it will not be pleasing to you. SO, he doesn't bother.

 

He may lack drive because he is afraid of success. Crazy as that sounds, if he succeeds, the bar is set higher and he will have to do more. Hence, he is afraid of being able to succeed.

 

He may lack drive from depression. Mild depression saps energy. Depression comes from anger turned inward.

 

He may lack drive from lack of energy due to illness, overwork, or lack of enough sleep.

 

And I am sure there are more. Laziness is usually the cover for more than laziness.

 

In conclusion..... get off my back that my desires are out of line. And that some how I am cruel to him. As I said before I do not mistreat him at all. Recently I did lose my temper with him. More so he says he deserved it.

 

Nobody is on your back. But everyone is giving ideas or criticisms based on what and how you say things..in hopes of giving you help in fixing your relationship. If I read your posts correctly...this is kindly said,...you are beautiful with a figure to die for, you do everything from bjs to mowing lawns to anything he asks for. You not only meet his standards, you exceed them. Yet he does not a whole lot and doesn't come close to meeting your standards. Personally, although I find this a bit biased, I am not meaning to be critical...truly. You two may just be mismatched as to the expectations you each have for each other.

 

I don't thnk you are cruel to him. I think your standards are to high for him to reach. Does this mean they are wrong? No. Does this mean you may have to do a reality check and accept him as he is? Maybe. But I do know that if you are not happy, then he is not happy either. He just cannot figure out what your definition of happiness is yet.

[JackJack]

a4a, I take no offense. You do not know me...just my posts, so I am bound to say the wrong thing more than once. BTW, my idea of the wife's role is NOT that she should be barefoot and pregnant. Nor do I think she should stay home. My wife works, takes care of children, pays bills, and alot more that I know I can never appreciate enough. Having said that, I wonder what your husband's expectations are and should be for you...not for A wife, but for YOU. I feel that he has the expectation that you will do whatever he doesn't. And yes, I know my wife has done things that I didn't get to, and yes, I am afraid that there are things I should do around the house to "fix" it up. I am far from the perfect husband.

 

 

 

Herein lies the whole thread. I personally...me talking for him...can't do that...don't bother telling me that...but here it is...could he have given up trying to meet your standards? Are the standards today the same as they were when he met you? Does he have a busier life and therefore has too much on his plate? Or has he lost his love for you and feels that his workshop, friends, or couch provides more relaxation or pleasure? This is not meant to be derogatory...just analyzing.

 

 

 

What does he say that you DON'T do for him? Does he dare tell you? Do you feel that you have an open communication that he is not afraid to tell you where you have failed to meet his expectations? You expect just a little bit back, and yet you provide a list where he does quite a bit. How do you know that this is a given in your husband's world? I agree that there are many things he can do, but maybe he accepts you as you are rather than that you meet his standards...those are two different things.

 

 

 

What is this crap of stepping back into the 50s? Common appreciation among spouses makes the world alot better place. When I mean clean, I mean do everything so, that when she again has the time, she can actually sit down instead of even doing anything. Picking up my own socks is expected, picking up her socks is love. Mowing the lawn, etc. is woman's work where my wife comes from...yet she will do things for me that I need to do to make my life easier. Just as I need to do...and do...things that she plans on doing to make her life easier. She was raised on a dairy farm and can do it all, but that isn't the point. We not only share the load but we must appreciate what is expected. Yes, there are duties that are hers....and mine. What makes them "fun?" When I do laundry or dishes or vacuuming, I "enjoy" doing them knowing that this is making her life easier...knowing that she will be able to sit down and read or relax. If I did them because that is my duty, then the fun has left. No, we do our duties to make our marriage better. Appreciating him picking up his socks because he knows that this makes your life easier, and loving him because he picks up yours, too, ...that is what makes a marriage work. Assigning duties makes the partnership a business, not a loving relationship. Making a list of things he can do to show love for your is like giving your husband a list of gifts to buy....yes, you appreciate them, but inside you wish he would take the time to make his own list.

 

Being romantic is showing your partner that you love him or her by doing those things that make his or her life easier. It is not only by doing those things that are out of the ordinary. Sharing the workload is showing love to one another. When he doesn't do the list of chores, then he needs to step up. I am still puzzled by the 50s comment. And not having a role model is not an excuse. I do many things my father did not, yet I fail in many areas my father excelled in...IMHO.

 

 

 

Lacking the actual drive can come from many things. He may be angry at you and doesn't dare tell you. He shows it by being passive agressive. He knows in his heart that not doing your list makes you angry...so he got you. He doesn't...and won't...tell you because that means confrontation.

 

He may lack drive because he doesn't feel that it is important enough in his list of priorities...ie lacks love.

 

He may lack drive because he is afraid of failure. He feels inward that he may go through all of the effort, but he cannot do it to perfection and it will not be pleasing to you. SO, he doesn't bother.

 

He may lack drive because he is afraid of success. Crazy as that sounds, if he succeeds, the bar is set higher and he will have to do more. Hence, he is afraid of being able to succeed.

 

He may lack drive from depression. Mild depression saps energy. Depression comes from anger turned inward.

 

He may lack drive from lack of energy due to illness, overwork, or lack of enough sleep.

 

And I am sure there are more. Laziness is usually the cover for more than laziness.

 

 

 

Nobody is on your back. But everyone is giving ideas or criticisms based on what and how you say things..in hopes of giving you help in fixing your relationship. If I read your posts correctly...this is kindly said,...you are beautiful with a figure to die for, you do everything from bjs to mowing lawns to anything he asks for. You not only meet his standards, you exceed them. Yet he does not a whole lot and doesn't come close to meeting your standards. Personally, although I find this a bit biased, I am not meaning to be critical...truly. You two may just be mismatched as to the expectations you each have for each other.

 

I don't thnk you are cruel to him. I think your standards are to high for him to reach. Does this mean they are wrong? No. Does this mean you may have to do a reality check and accept him as he is? Maybe. But I do know that if you are not happy, then he is not happy either. He just cannot figure out what your definition of happiness is yet.

 

 

I second this intire post. I feel the same as James, its not about bashing you, being cruel, or making you feel less of a person in your relationship just becasue someone gives you a reply on their opinon. I think ppl are just trying to help you here. I do see alot of you NOT taking the advice of others though becasue you come across as already having the answer. But when someone gives you their answer, you shoot it down. I really think at this point anything is possible with your husband.

[Moose]

Man.....it feels sooooo soooo good not being alone on this!!!

 

I sincerely wish that this relationship get's the chance to work......

 

I just know, deep down in my heart and soul that this list thing just isn't going to work......

[basscatcher]

I just know, deep down in my heart and soul that this list thing just isn't going to work......

 

I second that.

[SmoochieFace]

Man.....it feels sooooo soooo good not being alone on this!!!

 

I sincerely wish that this relationship get's the chance to work......

 

I just know, deep down in my heart and soul that this list thing just isn't going to work......

 

It won't work because once a partner starts listing off 'expectations' then the other partner will be locked into a 'contest' or 'game' to see if he/she can live up to the list. I can just picture the resentment he would harbour as a result. Sorry, but this isn't my idea of a healthy relationship based on MUTUAL RESPECT.

 

If my GF pulled that on me I would be out the door. If I was the hubby in this situation I would be filing the divorce papers. Sorry, Moose, I know that goes against your beliefs but that is exactly what I would do. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Period.

[a4a]

I appreciate your input here James I truly do.

 

I don't think the list of what he does is exceptional. Nor does he do those things daily. ( rub my feet now you bastard )

They are nice, noted, and appreciated.

 

Quite frankly I am no longer concerned if he is depressed, tired, has worms, or is just retarded. I am no longer looking for the cause of his problem I simply expect results. He is on the same page as me with this. He is aware he does not execute the plan. He is aware that I cannot fix it for him. His choice.... change back to the way he was and with improvement or I leave.... his choice.

 

I thought my list was pretty general: nice surprises.... him plan a night and initiate it... I mean how far out is that?

 

 

As for communication I cannot be more crystal clear. As for his expectations he states I meet and I do exceed his expectations. He has no fear to tell me if I did something that does not please him.

 

He comes home and if I am here he usually will feed the animals at night takes about 15 minutes max, he may help cook dinner or may cook for us.....then he watches tv. I usually try to wrap things up by 7 or 8 and we spend our eves together. So no there is no expectations of him on a daily basis...... none at all. He is not overworked. I have done his job it is not that difficult. He simply has gotten lazier and lazier about life in general... like not picking up his socks off the floor.... never would have done that before, but since I walk by and scoop them up he just leaves them.

 

So yes his expectations are for me to probably do everything. I created a monster. I also like a clean house...... so what do I do let it go to crap?

 

how do I know that what he does is a given in his world? Because he says so. Fine example is what he said about cooking dinner: I would be cooking for myself so why not just throw in some extra for you....... see a given. His desire to hold my hand and cuddle fulfills his need not mine..... he says he likes it.

 

My point about the 50's is exactly your point.... I do not assign duties or work load at home, I do expect him to do his fair share.... minor things like pick up his dirty socks.... I am being taken advantage of??

 

Keep in mind he did not used to be this way. Since we married he has changed considerably.

 

He has made improvements. My standards are not too high. If asking him to plan a night out for us is too high of an expectation for him to reach = he is indeed a loser. I am not asking for a limo.... but maybe a nice dinner out without me having to plan it, suggest it, or ask for it.... just every now and again is too high of a expectation. :lmao: :rolleyes:

 

His expectation of me to help him or allow him to have sex with me, or me making him dinner, or doing his laundry is too high of a standard as well?

 

I mean come on... what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I simply do not need a reminder to know how to please him. As a matter a fact I ask him often if he is happy and if there is anything I can do for him...... in those words.

 

My guess on all this is that he just is using me and really does not love me one bit. If this is true then it is true and not a thing I can do about it. I have come to the conclusion that it will be unfortunate but nothing can be done about it....... so his choice to either prove that he does or do nothing proving he does not. His choice.

 

and I have told him the above in bold. He is well aware of my feelings and his shortcomings as of the last months.... his choice. Although he claims he does not want me to move out even on a temp basis, nor will he divorce me, nor does he even want me to go on vacation alone.

 

Keep in mind he says this : This is not who I am, I want to do those things for you. I don't know why I keep not doing them.

 

So obviously my expectations are not out of line in his mind either. See that is what is important here. I have point blank asked " Do you think I expect too much from you"..... he says no and he actually thinks I don't ask much of him at all.

 

So regardless if you or anyone thinks I ask too much, he does not think I do.

 

Nor do I think he expects too much from me. Our standards are not yours.

This whole thing is about me wanting him to treat me in a manner in which I desire. He agrees he should, can, and says he will....... and has to a certain degree as of lately. HE AGREES..... HIM..... NOT JUST ME.... HIM TOO.

 

So the list I provided is what he considers is a given in a R. Not that he has to go out of his way to reach such high expectations.... actually he would laugh like hell to hear someone call those high expectations..

 

I actually am kinda shocked that what I do and what he does is not normal in most relationships..... man that is so sad. I would think more people would be more willing to do things for their spouse way beyond either one of those lists..... sad, really sad.

[a4a]

I second that.

 

ah pada did you not give Charlie a list on how he needs to behave with you?

 

like the affection thing you wanted????