Why all the communication?

[Roarz]

Not sure where this would go but put it here since I am still hoping for a 2nd chance with this girl.

 

Just wanna get to the nitty gritty since most of the background info doesn't matter that much for the question. She is 19, I am 20. She broke up with me about 10 months ago, and has been through another relationship with someone (Lasted 5 months, he broke up with her). Ours lasted 2 years and she broke up as soon as she got to college. During all these 9 months we've had huge fights trying to be "just friends" and then finally a long NC (6 months) followed by one day her asking me to go out with her to a movie. I do, we have a good time, she flirts a lot (2 hand tickling in a theatre with someone she hasn't seen in half a year). So by now I'm tired of the bs games and just ask her if her intentions are to get back together, and she says no, she just wanted to be friends and I told her I didn't want that because I still liked her.

 

So another month NC, now she's back to IM'ing me about once every week..basically just small talk (seems like she is flirting but impossible to tell online). Anyway, I've repeatedly told her in the past and just recently after the movie thing that I was not interested in being "just friends" and yet she continues with the small talk thing. I know, you say "If you don't like it then just block her or whatever". I still want a 2nd chance as I said so I don't want to cut her off completely forever, that would kinda make that impossible. Tried it anyway for the 6 month thing and didn't work either. It's been long enough to where the feelings have died down so talking isn't a big deal.

 

I guess I just want an outside perspective on this. I know that I'm looking for hidden meanings where there probably are none and that she probably is just trying to be friends. But I just can't understand why a person would continue to try that even after repeatedly being told no (At one time when I was still emotional, I even told her to stay out of my life forever). I know if it was me I would have gotten the message long ago. It doesn't really serve any purpose to just idle chit chat with someone...tons of people for that. Why waste the effort on me you know? Just kinda want an idea of what's going on here, if anything..more to just satisfy curiosity than anything. I've long since given up plans to "win her back". Wish girls weren't so confusing.

[superconductor]

You've made it abundantly clear that you're not interested in being "just a friend" with her. Obviously, she either didn't get the message or she's yanking your chain and playing games with you.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd give her one more chance; an ultimatum, if you will. Someting like, "I'm interested in a serious relationship with you, or none at all. No more of this half-assed "friends" crap. Fish or cut bait. You have 24 hours to decide."

[Roarz]

But I guess what I wonder is why? If she doesn't want me as a bf and already she knows this is as far as "friends" will go, why does she keep trying to keep contact open so badly? Ego trip, keeping me on a string, doesn't want to be forgot about, what? Any female perspective?

[swirly27]

Roarz -

 

This is just my take, as I am a female.

I dated a guy last that I thought was a great guy, but the spark wasn't there for me and I was honest with him the whole time on how I felt and at what pace I needed to go. We dated for awhile and I was the one that ended it because he deserved to be with someone that would love him as much as he seemed to love me.....ANYWAY - he told me he couldn't be my friend because it hurt too much - so I obliged, although keeping him as a friend would have been wonderful to me....but I listened to what he needed.

 

But on the flip side....when he was able to be my friend again, I jumped at it, even though romantically it was never going to happen again. We flirted, we even almost started hanging out, which would have been bad....because he made me feel good. I never strung him along or lied about intentions, but this girl may still stay in contact with you because you make her feel good and she feels wanted when she is with you, especially if this other ex of hers just broke up with her. Its not mature and its not right, especially when you told her you still like her and can't be her friend....but that just shows her immaturity. I respected my ex's wishes, but when I could be his friend, I jumped at the chance and part of it was I liked our friendship....but honestly, part of it was he made me feel good.

 

This chicklet sounds like she needs to grow up a bit and not string you along, cause deep down she knows she is kinda because she is not respecting what you say and she KNOWS you still like her and want more than friends. I'd tell her once and for all and if she continues to try and chat, just ignore her. You don't have to be mean, just be honest and then cut her out for now - she can't have it both ways right now when one of those ways hurts you. You guys can be friends later.....

[Roarz]

Yeah I decided to just block her on AIM without even giving the whole ultimatum thing. I've done that so many times in the past it's not even worth the trouble because she always says "Ok I'll leave you alone" and then a couple of months later she's at it again like nothing ever happened between us. I guess I was afraid if I closed the door forever then I'd never have her back...but I still don't have her this way either and I figure if she is truly interested in friends or more she can try using a phone once in a while instead of the impersonal AIM. Guess all in all I say F it .