Ukwizard Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 You want a second chance right? You want to correct the mistakes you made right? You want to start over, and prove to her you can change, and have changed. I need to advise you to stop thinking like that now! This train of thinking isnt healthy for you. Its obssesive! How do I know? I ve been there, and I ve done it, and I`ve got the T-shirt. The fact of the matter is that your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend broke it up with you for a reason. That reason could either be you, the mistakes you made in the relationship, the relationship itself, or it could also be the dumper own thoughts, and insecurities, whichever way you see it. They still left, so stop thinking about how you can correct things, and how things can get better. It won`t happy in the present time, and it certainly won`t happen anytime soon. Lets face it. You`ve split up, and no matter what you say, or do will get them back. The dumper doesn`t necessary give up on a relationship overnight. It takes them probably months, or weeks to come to their decision. My ex- took 4 weeks to come to her decison. Looking back now, I didn`t see the signs. She hid them very well. If you want a second chance I would try to find the answer why your ex wants to split ,on the day they tell you they want to end it. I believe this is make or break for you. Depending on your ex, he/she may want to reconcile. Bear in mind also that some people already have made up their minds at this point. It happened with me back in July 2005, when my girlfriend said to me "we need to talk about us!", and we did reconcile. I don`t think her mind was fully made up at that point. I was perhaps the most reliable bf she ever had after her 10 years of marriage. She separated with her husband. I never swore in front of her, let her down, or played games with her, and she respected me for that. Now, I ve never heard the phrase "we need to talk about us", before. I was 30 back then, and this was my first proper relationship. We sat down, and had a small talk. I held her hand, and she told me she wasn`t happy with how the relationship was going. Anyway, I listened to her very intently. To cut a long story short, fast forward 3 months after I was told after we split up that during that talk I had redeemed myself, and she decided to stay with me for a another 3 months. She told me I had listened, and changed a few things she felt weren`t right, and yet she still left. What needs to be done, is when a partner ends the relationship. You need to communicate to them on that day why they are deciding to break up. None of the "its not you it me", excuses, or the "I m not right for you just now". Another thing is to not let your partner dump you in a text, or by email! Unfortunatley, I was dumped by email. I`ve learnt from that now, and if I ever get by dumped by that way, again, I wouldn`t be replying back on an email. I ll be straight on the phone, or driving down to my girlfriends house, and tell her that we need to talk. That way we get the upper hand, and ask, or probe what is so wrong that they want to leave.This is the point of reconcilialtion. If you don`t get it right at this point in time, there will be in some cases no turning back. I ve heard people say here on LS. Go straight into NC right now. Why? This is the point where you can resolve things. If you went into NC now, and after a couple of months your ex will probably thought you have moved on now, and its okay for them to look for a new love interest. The longer you leave things after the "point of reconciliation", it will be harder for you to get your ex back after the date of the split. Once his/her mind has made up, and they are slowly moving on, and when they so find a new love interest, then you`ve lost. The irony here is that time can be an advantage here, but it could take years for them to relaise what your ex has lost, or if tehy want to rekindle a past love. That depends how you dealt with at the end of the split. You, see there`s no coming back after your partner has made her mind to split. For some lucky few, if you are good enough with words they do change their mind, and want to reconcile, and start over, but you have to get it right, not just once, but all the time. Theres no instant remedy to get someone back, and its possibly at the day of the split, or a months or years down the line before some people do chnage their minds. There is nothing inbetween, if they are especially in a new relationship. Utter crap I have to say, when my ex said "its not you, its me". These were the exact words my ex girlfriend used on me when she left. I thought she meant it as she was signed off with stress, and anxiety due to her work. I thought she needed space, so I gave it to her. I should have seen the signs, as 4 days after we split up, she went back on the dating site where we met. I could see she was logged on. This is where I slightly disagree with NC up to a point though. You can save your relationship at this point with proper communication, and by asking your partner,what or why they are feeling so unhappy, or what needs to change. We all need answers. You see if we did NC at this point it`s really going to stump us why we have been ditched. This is where the game playing starts. If you do to NC now, your ex will of course be emailing, texting, or calling you to see if you are okay. My ex did, and we stayed in touch for months in reduced contact. This is how I slowly unravelled the problems what she was having in our relationship. In my situation, I didnt get all the answers on the day of the break up. I never did get them from my ex girlfriend. If I did, I would have at least talked to her about her insecurities, and her thoughts why she wanted out. I only found out through a `back door` lets say. I found out that she had been speaking to people on the internet. She told someone that I was `immature`, (where I believe she has mistaken my slapstick humour for my immaturity!), and that I was never there! I still find it hard to believe that she could talk to strangers, and get their opinions instead of talking to me! Thats why communication at the point of the relationship break up is very important. I nearly won my ex back, after 3 months after we split. I did ask her if she was seeing someone else, and she said `no`, but later on a night when I called her she let it slipped that there was someone, but `nothing happened`. I know she was having a really hard time with this man, as they always argued with each other. A few weeks of talking, and I managed to persuade to her to come out for a date at a comedy club. Something happened on the day, as she backed out at the last minute. I do know she was very keen in coming over, as she said "I ll come through over to you as its more fun out in your way". Okay, I m kind of diversifying here, but I m trying to explain what I know through my own experiences, and with my break up. What I m getting at here is do you really want your ex back? Think about it. Now don`t get me wrong, I m not advocating that second chances don`t work. Sometimes they do, but it has to involve both partners. Think about it this way. They left you in the first place. There`s something they are not happy to tell you about. They don`t want to be with you anymore. Its been 10 months since my ex left me. Time will tell if she is the one. I m looking back at the things my ex said. Thinks like, I`ve never taken a person back before And, yet I find out she goes back to boyfriend n.o 1. I was bf n.o 3, to see if she can get him back. Its not you its me! I m not good for you just now After a few weeks later she told me over the phone. You`ve had you chance! So it was me after all!! The worst line she ever gave to me was, Why don`t you date other people first, and then come back to me I thought she never took anyone back!? During the 10 months I went through hell, but the only difference is I still kept on walking. I was on LS, night after night looking for a way back. How to get her back, but people kept on telling me to do NC. Things have changed during that time, because I went back to college, to further myself. It was pure torture though, because in class, or at home. I kept on thinking about her.I put extra pressure on myself, as I was still trying to retrieve our relationship. I was out to prove a point, that my life could exist without her, and I was under undue pressure from that fact, as well as friends to pass my exams. I was under so much pressure to pass. I m not sure what I would have done if I failed. In fact I broke down. I had to go, and see my doctor because I wasn`t feeling right. I was diagnosed with anxiety, and depression. Those were the darkest days of my life. From January until June! I had panic attacks, I hated coming home to an empty home. I had grand delusions of moving away, and starting over. Thats all in the past now. I m glad to say that I recieved my exam results in the middle of August, and I passed! During that time I took up dancing lessons, and went out with my friends, and relatives. You really know who your real friends are when the bad times come. The friends that told me to `stop it, and get over it!`. I look at them now, and think, how insenstive of them. I ll never go to the people I know to be insensitive for any advice or company again. In fact I don`t. I stay around people who make me happy. The point is, people do move on! Someone said here on LS, If I want to move on, then I will, but I ll do it in my own time! It better to have love, and lost than better to have not loved at all, and its a shame for those who havent had that feeling because they never loved. I ve also dated another girl, which lasted 3-4 months, but she didnt do it for me. I told her what her faults were. Although they couldn`t be fixed, she told me that she was not an intimate kind of person, so nothing was going to work, and I told her the truth, and gave her the closure she needed. She`s gone into NC, and for me thats a relief because out of sight, out of mind. In fact I don`t think about her at all. I`ve experienced the NC side, and does it work. Well yes, and no. For me it doesn`t work because she`s like if she has never existed. No telephone calls, no texts or emails, and I m thinking she doesn`t care, and neither do I frankly. So like I said above. NC works in some respects for some people, and it doesnt for others. I m not inclined to think about why she is doing NC. To me it shows she`s given up, and shes gone out of my life for good. So you have to wonder if NC really does work or not? I m dating another girl now, and its early days. I still think of my ex, but not as much as I did before. When we find a new love interest we don`t focus on the past as much. Thats why if your ex is dating someone else you have to forget about your ex. Does your ex still think about you. Hell, they do. There will be certain scenarios, or songs that will come on the TV or radio that will remind us about our past. James Blunt`s, song "You`re Beautiful`, always reminds me of my ex, and I m sure its vice versa because it was "our" song. I know my ex talks about me to her current man. How? Well my ex has done NC with me since she met her new man, and roughly about a week ago, I got a call from her. I was so shocked, I didn`t pick up, but I could see her name, and her picture flashing on my mobile. I sent a text back roughly 10 minutes after the call, saying it was nice to hear from her, but I couldn`t answer as I was driving (not true). I thought that if it was important she would call back. Sure enough she did about an hour later, but I found out it wasnt her, it was her 12 year old daughter, who had phoned. I could hear my ex in the background asking her youngest daughter to give the phone back, and her daughter was giggling. I was told by another Loveshacker that obviousily I had sent her, and email the day before, and she must have been talking about me to her bf, as a 12 year old girl would not bring it upon herself to pick up her mothers mobile, and ring her ex bf. The whole point of the thread, is during the time you split up. Time will tell if she will come back. I know its not likely to happen to me. I m dating someone else now, and so is my ex. People do change, but one thing I have learnt during those last 10 months. You CANNOT CHANGE FREEWILL. It was their decision to leave, and more or less it will be their decison to come back. What we have to do, is to go out, and enjoy ourselves. If you want to do NC then do it, but try to get answers first before you go NC or you will beat yourself up about what went wrong. If don`t get answers before going to NC, you will start counting the days,m and the hours you`re doing NC. Its not worth punishing yourelf over that. I went into reduced contact, and through talking like adults do, I found out 1 or 2 problems which could have been solved. My ex even gave me an example why she left, and only after talking about it she apologised becasue she was "wrong on that one". You have to concentrate on yourself when your ex leaves. Go out, and have fun like you never had before, treat yourself, take up a new hobby, go to evening classed, and date other people. You may meet another person who is better than your ex. Remember they left you so there is something they didn`t like about you or the relationship. Remember my ex does like me, and she thinks I m a nice man, but she left me becasue of my "immaturity", and because "I wasn`t there". (peopel have been dumped for bigger things!) These things can be fixed, but at the end of the day, if they want to leave then there`s nothing you can do about it except communicate to them how things can be fixed, and get better, and let them be. If you push too hard, and act desparate in getting them back they will see this, and it will drive them away further. We have to think of our own future. If you ex left then they don`t see a future with you. During the time you are single, you will have to go out, and do things. I m hopefully going to go to evening classes or even do a Diploma at college to get me further into the direction, and career I want to be in. If the ex does come back you will be in a better position to do so because they will see that you can live without them, and you happiness is not dependant on them. trust me, this will get you through the darkest periods. I`ve been there, and I never want to go back to my days of deep depression. Your thoughts will change, and during that time, you will see your ex in a new light. They won`t be the "be all, and end all". Like my brother said to me, They are billions of girls (or boys depending who is reading this) out there. Why, do you want one that doesn`t want you! Shes had what 6 boyfriends, and you were number 3! Have you thought that you`re not the problem, and maybe she is. Why does someone want to date so many people? So if you want to pine over your ex, and get them back. Yeah, its not wrong to do that. We all grieve differently. Now imagine this. Lets say you did NC for who knows how many years. The ex does comeback, and they want to catch uop, and they ask what you`ve been up to? You wouldn`t want to say something like, "I m on 598 day of NC with you, and I ve been pining you all the way since you left!" No way. You want to tell her that you`ve done this, and that. You ve dated other people, and had fun. You could go back to college, and get a new qualification, like I did, and get yourself into a new successful career. I would love to imagine that when I do become successful and have a new car, and nice house, and best of all with someone to share it all with who likes me for who I am. Whether it be with a new girlfriend, or your ex? You`re not going to get them back today, or tomorrow or in the next few weeks. maybe months, or it could take years. Only time will tell. It took time for you ex to leave. It will take time for them to come back. Its waht you do inbetween when they come back though will determine if you have a future with him, or her. I`ll say again. You CANNOT CHANGE FREE WILL. Its up to your ex to come back. You can either be part of their lives by doing RC, and that can help show you have slowly changed, or become successful. You can do NC to let yourself "heal"(providing you get some answers first). No matter what you do. It will take time for your ex to come back. Don`t go waiting for them , because you don`t have all the time to wait as they may never come back. Let time take over, and you will see. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
BatteredByLove Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 hehehhe UKWizard, you should read this when you're feeling down. It's not short so yay!! Lol, whenever I'm down I go to old threads and posts to read this, tihs one's going into my favorite . -BBL Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ukwizard Posted September 7, 2006 Author Share Posted September 7, 2006 Hi BBL, and thanks for your input. I was doing 2 things at once, while writing my post. Luckily no food was burnt in the process lol. However I have to apologise for the spelling mistakes in the making of the post. I know whats its like to split up with someone. Its such a life changing thing. This was my first real relationship, and this woman showed me what rue love was, but yet also took it away from me. I look back at my failings, and I would love to correct them with her, and share a future with her. Unfortunately thats not going to happen anytime soon because she has a new love interest. Every minute they are together is an advantage for them because they are getting to know each other better, and have things to talk about. Thats why its important to delevop ourselves in the meantime. Its been 10 months now since we split, and looking back those 10 months have flown past. I believe it was my college course that helped me get through this. It was either do something with the emptiness in my life, or sit at home, and pine for my ex. I know thats not healthy. Nothing we say or do will get some of our exs back. Like I said, its the four words that will. "Time". So have patience, and look after yourselves during that period. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 I'm still looking to find a thread where second chance worked out, and the dumper realized they made a mistake and their relationship is back on track again. I got a feeling, we just won't see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ukwizard Posted September 7, 2006 Author Share Posted September 7, 2006 Hi Rooster, Please don`t be dis-heartened about another second chnace. Some peopl don`t get them, and some do. However for those that do, it depends if the last problems have been resolved before the "point of reconciliation" can be past, and the couple enter in another loving relationship. A second chnace means just that. It means starting over, but WITHOUT the past mistakes, or wasn`t right before. Like everything else lik I aid in the above post. If you do get another chnace. Time again will tell of you will be togther in the future or split. You can try reading this about a second chance, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t93216/ There`s another post here about peole who do get another chance, and another and....lol http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95701/ Also you can read this thread, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94765/ Honestly, I wouldnt want you to think a second chance can work. The peopl who post here doesnt not represent how all second chances work or don`t work. Many dont my friend. Get out there, and date other people, because pining for your ex, isnt good. Also you could miss your Mr/Mrs Right. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 Nothing we say or do will get some of our exs back. Like I said, its the four words that will. "Time". So have patience, and look after yourselves during that period. Look at this quote...nice and short:rolleyes: hhehehe Seriously.... you could not have given any better advice:) Something I have learned... time is your friend...... Something else you mentioned... about keeping busy... how true... being constructive and getting busy is IMHO one of the best ways to cope.. You have to make changes in your life to change your life... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
stronggirl Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 I'm still looking to find a thread where second chance worked out, and the dumper realized they made a mistake and their relationship is back on track again. I got a feeling, we just won't see that. both my mom and my sister were in relationships that broke up and got back together, and now they are (both) married.....it does happen. my sister was after 2+ years, and my mom was over 8 months.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ukwizard Posted September 7, 2006 Author Share Posted September 7, 2006 Look at this quote...nice and short:rolleyes: hhehehe Nice one! Hey ilmw, I m impressed. You`re listening lol. I just don`t understand why some people on LS copy, and paste the entire post all over again especially if they are just replying under it. Time is definitely a factor here. I gues what I m trying to say is that you can get your ex back at the "point of reconciliation". If you do break-up, and you don`t get back together within a "reasonable timescale", say 6 months, then the chances of getting back to getter decreases. The spark slowly goes! Its important that if you do find out that you break up. Change things in your life, to improve yourself. Not for your girlfriend/boyfriend, but for you. If you don`t do this then you will be stuck in a rut. No-one likes a no hoper. People like to be in the company of people who have drive, energy, and fun. Go out there, and do things your way. Don`t ever show your bitterness, or hard feelings towards your ex because it will drive them away further. Its good to keep busy, in order to make time fly past. There will be no need to count the days of NC which I still think is ridiculous. If you don`t keep busy then, it will like time has stood still, and it will drag. Get out there, and do stuff, and it will seem like your ex was just recently out of your life when they do decide to return. Link to post Share on other sites
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