Does this make any sense???

[luvstarved]

OK apparently I was engaged in a huge fight tonight without even being aware of it...

 

To make a long story a bit shorter at least (I know I tend to ramble)...we were talking about teaching the kids poker. It was my idea and I said I wanted to teach them draw poker to start. He kept on with trying to suggest another version that he deemed simpler. I listened but defended my position that I would prefer to teach them draw first, but he just went on and on about his way would be simpler, etc. Finally I asked what was the big deal with just letting them learn draw first??? No big emotion, maybe a touch of impatience but no raised voices AT ALL to this point...

 

Well, that last comment set him off and he started on about how I had attacked him, how I was being so aggressive and I was like, au contraire, you were the one who wouldn't just let the topic go. Then he said that it is really scary that I can't see how aggressive I am and how I attacked him for no reason at all! Then he was SHOUTING that he would NEVER EVER play poker in a million years with me and that he would not be involved in the game. I said that I figured he'd be the first to bail...(we were trying to think of "family activities") I also said something to the effect of how I can't believe we were in the same conversation...HE was the one who couldn't just accept my desire to teach them draw poker and in any case I was not attacking just sticking to my opinion...

 

It died off at that point because I had to get my daughter ready for bed but during another lull he started in again. I said that I felt that he was just looking for an excuse to pick a fight and had found it but that I wasn't going for it and he could enjoy his little funk all alone. THEN he said that he wasn't upset but that I was and then he started again with the "scarily aggressive" accusations and it really scared him that I couldn't see it, etc.

 

He has said at times "why can't you just agree with me?" I DO agree with him, when I agree with him. His mother agrees with him even when he is dead wrong. Even this conversation would take place with them: "I am right" "yes you're darn right you're right of course you're right nobody is righter than you" "Maybe I am wrong though" "oh no I am sure you are right although if you think you might be wrong, then maybe you are wrong" "Actually I am sure I am wrong" "If you think you are wrong, then you must be wrong. I think you're right but I'm sure you're right if you say you are wrong", etc....It happens almost daily and it seems that I can't win by giving an honest opinion here...

 

Am I supposed to gush over him like that just to keep the peace and possibly get laid (I'm the sexless marriage lady)? Nobody else has ever accused me of being overly aggressive before (maybe a few times ages ago when I was drunk )

 

Side note: keylogger told me that he had tried to type in an innocent sounding component of one his favorite porn site names in google but that the google search did not get him where he wanted to go and he gave up...

 

I am wondering if he possibly picked this fight because he resents not being able to look at the porn, or worse, that he picked the fight because he is looking for a reason not to initiate sex for a day or two...or if he just can't relate to a woman who doesn't knee-jerkily agree with him...he has a history of picking fights for no reason when he doesn't want to do something...

 

Any thoughts?

[luvstarved]

Oh forgot to mention that I have not banned him from looking at porn, it is supposedly self-imposed...

[luvstarved]

Just sent this email to my hubby...

 

I just want to say that I in no way intended to be "scarily aggressive" toward

you. In my mind, we were just discussing something and I was defending my

opinion. I don't know whether you are so interested in me agreeing with you

that for me to not do so comes off as some sort of an attack, but I assure you

that was not my intention. Until you started accusing me of "attacking you", I

had no idea that anything other than a conversation was taking place.

 

Sounds like we have even bigger problems.

 

Sometimes it seems to me that you "pick fights" because either there is

something you want to do and can't, or because you don't want to do something

and picking a fight gets you out of it. I don't really think it is intentional

but there does seem to be a lot of coincidence in the timing of these fights

that to me seem to come out of nowhere.

 

I don't know what you want, <his name>, but one day it is not my fault and the next

day it is. Please try to make up your mind.

 

I don't want you to do anything or be anything that you can't or don't want to

be. There are things that can be worked on and fixed and things that can't. I

am just trying to sort out what those are. I know I can work on myself, too,

and try to be more patient, etc. But I don't know if you are looking for me to

be a more submissive person or what. I don't think that's going to happen. I

am not trying to "steamroll" you but you seem to think I am. Whatever you might

want to do and feel you "can't" or "shouldn't", do it. Whatever you don't want

to do, don't. And we'll just take it from there.

 

I do love you.