oh boy

[delusionaldreamer]

woah this is hard. ever see your self as the problem solver for everyone else but cant fix your own problems??... im totally lost so i will start with a little background....

well from the age of 15-20 i had this yo-yo relationship between 2 guys...sounds about right for high school. but around 18 through yet again usual mishaps of teenage life i ended up a mom. graduated moved out on my own blah blah blah. 20-21 was staying with the father of afore mentioned baby. he suffered from bi-polar disorder which has a lot to do with the yo-yo relationship. however he was wonderful. this ended like a lot of young mentally unstable situations - in suicide. my daughter was then 3 and things were very difficult for her and i. i ended up becoming good friend with a man my ex had worked with, he was someone fairly new to the relationship with me and my ex and not judgemental and so forth when it came to this situation. about a month after the passing of my ex i found out i was yet again pregnant. talk about FEAR setting in. barely 21 newly made single mom and now another baby on the way to come into the world with no daddy. this is very difficult to discuss so please dont take this posting as cruel or heartless. well i ended up giving birth to a beautiful baby boy on valentines day(great gift from a passed loved one huh.) anyway this friend i developed during this very difficult time in my life ended up expressing his love for me and the desire to be the dad for my children...sounds like a fairy tale come true right?!? i had intensely strong feelings for him as well that i understood to be love and well what better way to express this than marriage right.....11months after the death of my ex i was married to the man that had became my best friend and guardian angel so to speak. did i mention he was 15 years my senior..? well everything seemed like perfection....shortly after this bond of marriage is sealed i start to see the insecurities my now H suffered with. extreme jealousy, trust issues, and so forth all extending from his first marriage....i let it all pass thinking time would heal right?!?!

never gave him a reason to not trust me. in fact i ended up the stay at home mom who never did anything. shortly after we married we ended up with this grand plan to move...next comes the isolation process. he expressed his non liking for my friends and so forth and well i just gave them up because i thought that was the right thing to do. i then found the internet.....sitting at home all day i found enjoyment in getting online and playing games like pogo.com for instance... never did do the chat room thing or webcam stuff that a lot of people talk of disastrous thing. spurring from.... ok this is getting too long...anyway - i ended up yet again following his dreams and visions of the great life packing up yet again and moving 1400 miles away from all life i had ever known. so here i sit with no friends and strictly phone contact with family and nothing to do. my husbands jealousy has kept me in the house for fear that it would just start something if i did do anything or express my wants to get OUT of the house and DO something. finally after some talks and so forth i get to have a job! woohoo! well thats been going on for a year now. and after 5 years of marriage and following his now what i consider pipe dreams my marriage is bust with complete financial ruin and major generation gaps or something kicking in and 2 miserable people with one claiming to not be able to go on without the other. i want out. im not happy. i dont want anyone else. i just want ME back make any sense....but here i am 1400 miles away from HOME with no bank roll to speak of and no means of an out unless he pays for it... am i wrong in thinking he should cover the expenses of getting me back where he took me from?!?! and to make everything worse we added a 3rd child to the mix?!?! i really hate the idea of a single mother with 3 kids and nowhere to turn but my parents BUT i know that is what is best. although he basically plays that suicide card at the very mention of a possible seperation which he knows keeps me hanging on because i cant bear to go through that again.... oh lord ill stop now and see what response i get.

[Adora]

oh my, what a world you have been living. My personal opinion (of which can't be changed now, we can't turn back the clock) - this relationship was rushed. This man took advantage of the fact that you were basically hopeless and helpless. Had he not moved you all over and made you lose contact with those you loved, I would feel differently. But he instead made you live in isolation.. that is very cruel.

 

Does he even allow you to visit with your family at least? Them come to you, or you visit with them? I truely feel saddened by how he treated this situation. The fact that he dangles the suicide card in your face is completely ruthless - what a jerk!!

 

I would suggest that you need to visit with your parents.. Does he work a lot? Does he have any vacation time coming up, or banked away? Perhaps talk with your parents secretly and let them know how miserable you are and tell them you'd like to visit with them to sort things out. Tell your husband that something happened and you need to stay with your parents for a bit to help them through some crisis.. I usually do not resort to lying, ever; this case tho makes me feel unsafe. I just get this vibe from how you described him to be. Very controlling.. I doubt he'd let you visit willingly, which is why I say tell him it is something that can't be put off and that you'd return shortly.

 

Bottom-Line: If I were you and as unhappy as you are, I would make preparations now to leave him. He doesn't seem to be the supportive comforting gent that he appeared to have been in the beginning. Once he got you, he controlled you and stop allowing you to live life.

[delusionaldreamer]

well that just happened here a few weeks ago... my 2 year old neice passed away and i told him i HAD to go home..it had been over a year since me or my children had seen my family which was really hard on me and my kids especially with my baby that doenst even know them and my dads brain surgery and health proceeding it the past year....well thats what i did even though he didnt really want me to go. i took my oldest daughter and went back home.. because of weather and the general idea that i didnt really want to come home but knew i had to because of my other 2 children...i was gone for 11 days almost 3 of which were strictly driving days. in the meantime he turned into the man that had to call every day to see where i was and what i was doing...and then started that whole poor pitiful me im such a failure you are better off without me i just want to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up.....etc....so of course for fear of my children and the idea of dealing with another suicide i came home....but now im ready to go. we have made the plans to move yet again...however this move has been delayed multiple for whatever reason he conjures up each time...i finally have given my job final notice and intend to leave although the idea of walking away from everything i have managed and yes i mean I have managed is too devestating. i dont think it is fair to me and 3 children to walk away with NOTHING while he gets it all....there is no physical abuse here so try getting help.......he has arranged to do enough work this week to pay for a moving truck so the kids and i can go AHEAD of him....but i dont know how to go about letting him know that im done....guilt starts to hit about getting him to pay for my out even though he is the one that brought me here. and not letting on to him that i am done for fear of what will take place in the presence of my children and myself. i thought well i will have barely enough money to rent a car to get from point a to point b but will only be able to take myself the kids and our clothes and thats it. or do i let him pay for my out and then upon being gone inform him i am done?!?!?

[Adora]

Sorry to hear about your niece that is horrible. You have my condolences.

 

What about asking your family to lend you the money for the time being, to help you get away from there and allow you to return to your parents home? Or even, call one of your old friends (I am sure they wouldn't shun you away if you were close before - they might feel weird about not talking all this time, but explain to them what has happened and why you had no contact for so long). Taking a bus cross country is fairly cheap last I checked? Prolly cheaper then renting a car - make it an adventure for the kids.

 

I do feel like yes, it'd be nice if you told your husband that 'hey, you brought me here, pay my way to leave'.. but in essence, you agreed and followed. It'd be the nice thing for him to do, but I wouldn't expect it, especially when he knows that you want out completely.

 

I would reach out to family and friends now before thinking of suggesting the thought to him. See how your family feels about you staying with them until you get settled in a bit. Perhaps offer to do things for them, side jobs that they may have held off for a while.

 

I do think it'd be in your and your childrens best interest to leave the controlling environment that your husband provided for your family. You'd be surprised at how far your family might reach out to help, even if you haven't been in contact with them in a long time. They are still your family and will always remain your family.

 

I hope you find peace soon.

[tikigods]

I would say you need to get out of there and fast for your kids sake. THey are going to grow up thinking that this is the right type of relationship to be in, and as a mother you owe it to them to do whats right for them, its no longer about you.

 

Talk to family and geto ut

[Touche]

But you now have a job right? How do you feel like he's controlling you exactly? What do you want to do that you can't do? Have you spoken to him about what you want to do?

[delusionaldreamer]

yes i do have a job that was set up by him - the wife of his boss was the manager and so i got the job while pretty much still under his microscope...home decor store with all female co workers that i dont know seems pretty safe for him dont you think....he lives for his work but says he lives for his family....while in the background the 2 forgotten children and support from the previous marriage looms....he plays it off like he goes to work everyday and busts his butt for his family yet in all reality he is at a total disregard for responsibility....i dont deny that he works hard but there is more to taking care and loving for a family than getting up and going to work everyday. hes not a control freak and i never said that...just a very insecure man that has ways of manipulating things in his favor. like now....i have a job but no means of leaving him so to speak...he takes me to and from work....i have no vehicle of my own and very little money from my part time 20 hour work week at $8 an hour which most generally means i get to pay the phone bill or something cause he just happens to not have been paid yet. im stuck and nothing is harder than realizing you are trapped. he knows i have no resources. yes i have a loving family but not one that has money to dish out to get me and my kids back home.

[delusionaldreamer]

oh and ya i have spoke to him about what i want to do..such as go back to school and further my nursing that i havent got to do since we have been together...financial issues were not his concern at all because i had already qualified for the grants and such to do so...it was the whole well why dont you just stay home and help me with my job?!?!?! what part of i dont want to did he not catch there? of course i know the problem was the fact that i would be around other people which would evevitably in his mind lead to me finding something or someone else i wanted more than him. or that i might actually gain some independance of my own and not NEED him. ive tried for 5 looooooooong years to build up and help his insecurities to no avail. i have constantly praised him for things that he has done at work and at home and given him full reign of doing the things he enjoys. while i feel as though i am scrutinized if i go and buy a new purse as though i am frivilous or would have been nicer if i had bought him something instead?!?! since returning from the funeral and family visit and having the confrontation about his behavour while i was gone....and dealing with the adult baby standing in front of me crying about not losing his family again and going back to being alone?!? ive never went anywhere so that had to be about the ExW...its been one of those lost puppy dog syndrome kind of things...where i cant move without him being there telling me he loves me and blah blah blah....i guess its just hard for me to pretend those things never were said. and im expected to pretend it never happened since i am back home and he is more secure now because i am back under his microscope and he knows what i am doing.