date him or friend him?

[Guest]

I happened to read some threads here in this section and have a question. This is specifically for the ladies.

 

Assume that you meet a guy and happen to have a conversation. He seems to be very interesting and a lot of fun. You meet again and realize that you enjoy being with him and hanging out with him. He makes you laugh like no one else has and you would like to spend a lot of time with him.

 

Now here is my question:

 

1) Would you say to yourself "wow He is a great guy. I have to date him".

 

OR

 

2) Would you think "wow He is a great guy. Somehow I have to get him as a friend".

 

Which of the above is most likely to happen - 1 or 2?

 

If it is 2, is it because you really want to have him as a friend OR because you realize that due to some reasons you can't date him (race,culture,religion) but alteast you want to have him as a friend?

[norajane]

I would choose 1 if I have chemistry with him.

 

If I don't feel chemistry, then it would be choice 2, but not the way you worded it. It would be "I hope we'll become friends" and not "I have to get him as a friend".

 

If I had chemistry but couldn't date him because HE couldn't date me because of race/culture/religion, I would hope we could be friends anyway. I don't have race/culture/religion issues, but I understand that some people do.

[Yamaha]

If you are sexually attracted to him then I think it would be worth it to date him (unless these issues are non-negotiable ).

 

If you like his personality but feel no sexual attraction then you need to send out the friend vibe and make sure he knows "just friends".

[Guest]

If I don't feel chemistry, then it would be choice 2, but not the way you worded it. It would be "I hope we'll become friends" and not "I have to get him as a friend".

 

Thanks Norajane!

 

I worded it the way I did because I want to know whether you will "hope that you both become friends" and don't do anything OR you will try a bit hard to get him as a friend? Like will you change your train schedules so that you can travel with him? Would you initiate lunches with him often (just the 2 of you)? Would you ask him which train he is planning to take and then go together? Would you block seats for him and drive away other people if they happen to sit there? .......... things like that.

[Green]

Guest if your a guy I bet girls just want to be friends with you, and if your a girl maybe you want to be friends with a guy for a change... Look if your a guy and your hitting it off with a girl and you want her take the friends option off the table by going in for a kiss at some point posibly the first or second get togather not a date hey it actualy is a date thing

[Sand&Water]

Guest,

 

I read your post. Interesting question to propose.

 

Why can't you choose 1 and 2? and Are you female or male?

 

I sense culture, race, and religion are the issues at hand.

[Guest]

Guest,

 

I read your post. Interesting question to propose.

 

Why can't you choose 1 and 2? and Are you female or male?

 

I sense culture, race, and religion are the issues at hand.

 

Okay I am female.

 

I met this guy a while ago... he is awesome and has an amazing sense of humor. I haven't laughed so much with anybody else. But my family expects me to marry someone from the same religion and hence I don't want to get into a relationship with him.

 

However I find myself wanting to spend a lot of time with him. I initiate our alone times a lot. I feel like I "have to" see him regularly... like if I ask him to meet for lunch and he can't make it but says he can make it next week i am unable to say "ok cool"... instead i say "how about coffee?" and try to meet him. And if a week goes by without us meeting I start to miss him... i even tell him "i miss you"... My other friends are quite close by but I am making efforts to spend time with this man... I am choosing to have lunch with my friends or colleagues only if this guy can't make it....

 

I am not sure what exactly I am feeling.... that's why my question... am i trying to get him atleast as a friend since i can't date him??? or do i genuinely want him only as a friend?? have i started to have feelings for him??? i am unable to tell myself..

[Adunaphel]

1. Even if there wasn't much chemistry. I will have plenty of time during our first date to find out whether there is chemistry.

 

Unless

I just knew that I couldn't date him for whatever reason,

in which case I'd love to have him as a friend.

 

Unless (again)

I just knew that I'd feel too bad knowing that I can't date him.

I dislike settling for a friendship,so to speak, when I'm really interested in someone that I can't date for whatever reason.

[Sand&Water]

Guest,

 

Hold your horses! You need to step back for one moment. Yes. Step back and view the situation as a whole.

 

You met this guy a while ago, you say. How long is a while ago? I assume a few months.

 

You need, in my opinion, to slow down. Really, really slow down. You can't just rush into it like a child in a candy store. You'll get hurt. It will be painful. What you are feeling right now is a tremendous amount of infatuation towards this guy.

 

You should decide on your own. You have to ask yourself if you are capable of maintaining a friendship with him. You either go with your parents' words, or go against them. Or somehow find a middle ground.

[monkey00]

 

1) Would you say to yourself "wow He is a great guy. I have to date him".

 

OR

 

2) Would you think "wow He is a great guy. Somehow I have to get him as a friend".

 

 

I dont think either 1 or 2 will fulfill what you want...no matter which option you choose, you still want to get into his pants.

 

Let me give you a hypothetical question: If you 2 are friends, and he ends up with a gf, are you going to be around to sabotage his relationships or are you actually going to be happy for him? Seriously think about that.

And would you rather be with someone the rest of your life, that you dont like/like less than 'your friend' just because he's your religion..sounds unpleasant.

 

Your parents may expect you to do what they think is best for you, but not all parents know. How much of an issue do you think it would be to the parents if the guy isnt the same religion, however he shares the same values/views as your religion?

 

It's selfish thinking what you want. it also depends on what he wants. friends cant be friends/ a couple isnt a couple if one doesnt agree.

[Guest]

Guest,

 

Hold your horses! You need to step back for one moment. Yes. Step back and view the situation as a whole.

 

You met this guy a while ago, you say. How long is a while ago? I assume a few months.

 

You need, in my opinion, to slow down. Really, really slow down. You can't just rush into it like a child in a candy store. You'll get hurt. It will be painful. What you are feeling right now is a tremendous amount of infatuation towards this guy.

 

You should decide on your own. You have to ask yourself if you are capable of maintaining a friendship with him. You either go with your parents' words, or go against them. Or somehow find a middle ground.

 

I appreciate your response Sand&Water!

 

Oh I am like a kid in a candy store? hahaha... I am actually 30 years old.

 

Okay so are you telling me that I don't see him as "just a friend"? Can you tell me why? I am sorry, but I am in a very confused state right now. We haven't done anything physical... In fact not even a kiss.

 

By "a while ago" I mean around 5 months. In the beginning he actually made his moves by flirting with me but I told him that we were "just friends". After that he didn't make any move on me...

 

I enjoy spending time with him. It is always him that I want to hang out with... My girlfriends started commenting that I have a crush on him and found it hard to believe that he was only a friend.

 

He is so nice and wonderful.... so knowledgeable... so funny and humorous.. In short he is the greatest!! I enjoy spending time with him so much... I don't want to go to work, I just want to keep f*cking with him all day!!! When he went on a vacation for a month I felt depressed, that's how much I missed him.

 

I meet him atleast once every week. If for some reason he says he can't meet me during a particular week I will come up with some other way and try to meet him. My friends are telling me "If you really saw him only as a friend you would not insist or try to meet him up... especially when he has clearly told that he will meet you next week for sure". Is this sentence correct? Are my friends right? Everytime I meet him I feel like I haven't seen him for about couple of months... even though we both met just the previous week. I even tell him about it and he just gives me a confused look...

 

I am in a huge dilemma now. I only want to be friends with this guy.... My question is - am I crossing the limits of friendship with this guy? Is it wrong to have a guy as a close friend? I haven't done anything physical with him so I guess I don't have feelings for him. So I don't understand the need to slow down. He is just my friend...

[norajane]

Thanks Norajane!

 

I worded it the way I did because I want to know whether you will "hope that you both become friends" and don't do anything OR you will try a bit hard to get him as a friend? Like will you change your train schedules so that you can travel with him? Would you initiate lunches with him often (just the 2 of you)? Would you ask him which train he is planning to take and then go together? Would you block seats for him and drive away other people if they happen to sit there? .......... things like that.

 

No, I wouldn't go that far. Sounds like you want this person as more than a friend.

[norajane]

I am not sure what exactly I am feeling.... that's why my question... am i trying to get him atleast as a friend since i can't date him??? or do i genuinely want him only as a friend?? have i started to have feelings for him??? i am unable to tell myself..

 

Oh, now I see. No, you aren't behaving as someone who wants him as just friends. You want way more than that, and if you really can't be with him, you're setting both of you up for a world of pain.

[Guest]

Wow your username is monkey!! How wonderful.... this guy lovingly calls me as monkey

 

Seriously think about that. And would you rather be with someone the rest of your life, that you dont like/like less than 'your friend' just because he's your religion..sounds unpleasant.

 

Okay I don't understand this. I like this guy only as a friend. Some time later I am planning to date guys from my religion.

[Sand&Water]

Guest,

 

If he is just a friend to you, then treat him as a friend. I think you shouldn't do anything physical. Also depends if you're a risk taker or not.

 

There will be other guys that you'll enjoy spending time with, and caring about. If you involve yourself, it could get messy. So, in the end it is you who will be responsible.

[Guest]

Guest,

 

If he is just a friend to you, then treat him as a friend. I think you shouldn't do anything physical. Also depends if you're a risk taker or not.

 

There will be other guys that you'll enjoy spending time with, and caring about. If you involve yourself, it could get messy. So, in the end it is you who will be responsible.

 

Hi S&W,

 

I get your point!

 

Okay my real question/confusion is this -> What exactly am I feeling for this guy? I know it's a very vague question to ask but I am at a complete loss here. I am unsure about myself... I am not sure whether what my friends tell me is true. I am in desperate need of unbiased third party opinions... That's why I came to this forum. From whatever you read in this thread please tell me honestly what you think of this situation. Do you this is not a normal friend relationship between a guy and a girl? Do you think I like him as more than a friend but in denial of my feelings for him?

 

Just be brutally honest and let me know your opinion.

 

Thanks,

V

[Sand&Water]

Guest,

 

Only you know how you truely feel for this guy. I can't give you an accurate description of how you should be feeling, and how you should act.

 

However, I can tell you what I think about the situation.

 

You seem interested in him. You like hanging around with him, talking, joking and all, but do you like the little things about him? The small, and the big things?

 

Almost everyone can have a fun, entertaining time with a friend, or potential partner. But, are you sexually attracted to him?

 

The only way for you to have feelings for him, is if you are sexually attracted to him and are able to envision yourself as his girlfriend under his religious, racial, and cultural cirsumstances.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

Addition: I think you are fascinated with him, because he comes from a totally different background than yours. Hence, you start thinking that "different" must be awesome, and that the 'grass must be greener' on the other side -so to speak.

[Guest]

Guest,

 

Only you know how you truely feel for this guy. I can't give you an accurate description of how you should be feeling, and how you should act.

 

However, I can tell you what I think about the situation.

 

You seem interested in him. You like hanging around with him, talking, joking and all, but do you like the little things about him? The small, and the big things?

 

Almost everyone can have a fun, entertaining time with a friend, or potential partner. But, are you sexually attracted to him?

 

The only way for you to have feelings for him, is if you are sexually attracted to him and are able to envision yourself as his girlfriend under his religious, racial, and cultural cirsumstances.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

Thanks for helping me with your suggestions S&W. Yes, I know that I should be aware of my feelings but in the current state I am in I am unable to figure this out. That's why I want to know how this whole thing looks like to a thrid person.

 

Yes I do like the little things about him. I care for him a lot. He is the greatest and always knows how to make me smile. If he says that he will leave to another state I feel heart-broken.

 

But he is not my Religion.

 

I don't know what to think and what to do

 

I know that I can ONLY marry a guy of my own Religion. That's for sure.

 

I guess even if I start dating someone from my religion I would still want to meet my friend on a regular basis. I would still miss him even if its just going to be a week apart of us not meeting. Would this behavior of mine be unfair to the guys that I date? I have also framed one of his photos and kept it in my apartment. I hope nobody objects to it.

[Yamaha]

You obviously like this guy alot but are unwilling to see him as a b/f because he does not have the same religion.

 

If he was the same religion as you would you date him?

 

I think this answer will let you know if your feelings are friendly or romantic.

[Guest]

You obviously like this guy alot but are unwilling to see him as a b/f because he does not have the same religion.

 

Okay I am not sure what makes you say that I like him a lot. He is just a friend... I haven't even kissed him.

 

If he was the same religion as you would you date him?

 

I think this answer will let you know if your feelings are friendly or romantic.

 

I don't want to conjure up hypothetical "what if?" scenarios.... I would rather focus on the reality as it stands now. And that reality is this guy is not the same religion as me!

 

God I don't know.... I think I am a mess

[Green]

Sounds like you like him but your confused why not do you like him or not. maybe you like him and wish you didnt or dont want to

[Guest]

Sounds like you like him but your confused why not do you like him or not. maybe you like him and wish you didnt or dont want to

 

But don't women hang-out with their friends? regardless of whether it is a guy or a girl?

 

Veronica

[Almost]

If he was the same religion as you would you date him?

 

It seems pretty obvious to me that you really like this guy, and if he was in your same religion, you could see yourself dating him and falling in love with him. Is this correct?

 

So it sounds to me like intellectually you are ruling him out, but emotionally you want to rule him in. And that's why you are confused.

 

So what religion are you, and what religion is he? Is it really that big a deal? Who is it a big deal for? You, him, your family, his family?

[Guest]

It seems pretty obvious to me that you really like this guy

 

May I ask you what makes you say this? Am I doing something different that gives off the vibe that I like him as more than a friend?

 

So it sounds to me like intellectually you are ruling him out, but emotionally you want to rule him in. And that's why you are confused.

 

I guess you hit the nail on the head. Most likely this is what I am going through right now... or may be I am not. I am not sure.

 

So it sounds to me like intellectually you are ruling him out, but emotionally you want to rule him in. And that's why you are confused.

 

I guess you hit the nail on the head. Most likely this is what I am going through right now... or may be I am not. I am not sure.

 

So what religion are you, and what religion is he? Is it really that big a deal? Who is it a big deal for? You, him, your family, his family?

 

I am Jewish! I live in America but I regard Yisrael as my Motherland!!

[Almost]

May I ask you what makes you say this? Am I doing something different that gives off the vibe that I like him as more than a friend?

 

Yes, big time. You said,

Yes I do like the little things about him. I care for him a lot. He is the greatest and always knows how to make me smile. If he says that he will leave to another state I feel heart-broken.

 

I enjoy spending time with him. It is always him that I want to hang out with... My girlfriends started commenting that I have a crush on him and found it hard to believe that he was only a friend.

 

He is so nice and wonderful.... so knowledgeable... so funny and humorous.. In short he is the greatest!! I enjoy spending time with him so much... I don't want to go to work, I just want to keep f*cking with him all day!!! When he went on a vacation for a month I felt depressed, that's how much I missed him.

 

I meet him atleast once every week. If for some reason he says he can't meet me during a particular week I will come up with some other way and try to meet him. My friends are telling me "If you really saw him only as a friend you would not insist or try to meet him up... especially when he has clearly told that he will meet you next week for sure".

 

You wouldn't act and feel this way about him if you only thought of him as a friend or only felt like being his friend and nothing more.

 

I guess you hit the nail on the head. Most likely this is what I am going through right now... or may be I am not. I am not sure.

 

 

The fact that you are not sure how you feel is an indication that deep down you have feelings for him as more than a friend. If you knew you only wanted to be friends with him, you would be sure of it.

 

 

I am Jewish! I live in America but I regard Yisrael as my Motherland!!

 

Ok, so what is the big deal? Why do you only have to date Jewish guys? Is that your own choice or is your family making you be that way against your will? Or is it that he does not want to date you because you are Jewish?