CP broke my heart

[jgbronc]

Well after 3 months (very fast, I know) the woman that I have fallen head over heals in love with decided to end it this morning by sending me an email. Brutal I know. The scary part is how close we became in that time. Not only did we fall in love, her 8 year old daughter and I became very close as well. I know that she is commitment phobic because she told me she has always run when relationships became too serious. Her ex husband of 10 years really did a number on her and now she takes it out on everyone else. Tomorrow I am heading to her place while she is at work to retrieve my belongings including a diamond necklace that I had just given her a week ago. Her sisters kept telling me that she would do this and I just didnt believe it. She kept talking about having my baby, getting married, having a wonderful life together. Her email did hurt because it said that she never loved me, just was in love with the idea of me. So I am writing to tell you all never to get involved with someone with this disorder. It is frightening and will rip your guts out. Believe me I know. She also said that she was not "running" from me like everyone always says that she does, but that instead something was missing that she thought would come with time. I found a therapist who deals with Cp and told her that if she does nothing else, to go and talk to this woman. Just a warning, be careful with someone who falls into this category. They will promise you the world and then cave it in when they get scared.

[UnknowingOW]

I was engaged to a CP...what a roller coaster ride it was. It's very push and pull. His therapist has yet to find a reason for his fears.

 

The ex F is a kind and gentle man, but every relationship he has ever had had failed which is so sad. But, being involved with a CP you must know, they can pull you right back into the R with words which their actions will never prove.

 

Good luck.

 

-Unk

[jgbronc]

Yeah, I have learned that not only do CPs tell you what you want to hear, they tell you what they want to hear. I guess it is a way of getting away from the fear. The amazing thing to me in my own case was that she asked me to marry her in a text message a week ago. When I said yes, I must have said exactly what she wanted me to. Like she was sabotaging the whole thing by asking. Knowing I would accept and then she would get those feelings of fear and dread. Now I am just plain mad. I am taking everything she has ever given me-photos of us, cds, candles, etc., and putting it on her front porch tomorrow. Time for me to move on.

[UnknowingOW]

I was the 1st person he ever put an engagement ring on....and he's 47. He's run from every relationship because he didn't know how to handle it. He lives in another state, and every week he would say..."I'm putting the house on the market this week." This week never came.

 

And, one other thing he promised was us never spending another holiday alone. Needless to say, I haven't seen him since he put the engagement ring on my hand 1.5 years ago. Talked to him everyday. Tried to be understanding regarding his fears and CP, but you can only take so much and then you finally get it...they will never get over being a CP even with all the therapy in the world.

 

Honestly, over the last year I thought I was crazy at some point. I cried a lot, and when I finally got it it was over...well it was for me at least. He still thought/thinks "WE" will be togther some day.

 

I say move on. It's going to hurt for the short-time, but learn from your experience and take it for what it was. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER...the CP has NOTHING to do with you.

[jgbronc]

I am sorry for your pain. That truly is brutal to put an engagement ring on your finger and run. My problem is that I can't believe its over. This just happened a few hours ago. I am so used to us calling each other and texting. Now there is just silence. Also I am afraid of the future. Her email sounded like I will never hear from her again but one of the classic symptoms of a CP is that they try to stay in your life. It is all so confusing which is probably why I am reacting by being mad. Like I said, she shows all of the signs of being commitment phobic but then tells me that something was always missing which would make her a really good actor. Because if something was missing, I had no idea!

[UnknowingOW]

I am sorry for your pain. That truly is brutal to put an engagement ring on your finger and run. My problem is that I can't believe its over. This just happened a few hours ago. I am so used to us calling each other and texting. Now there is just silence. Also I am afraid of the future. Her email sounded like I will never hear from her again but one of the classic symptoms of a CP is that they try to stay in your life. It is all so confusing which is probably why I am reacting by being mad. Like I said, she shows all of the signs of being commitment phobic but then tells me that something was always missing which would make her a really good actor. Because if something was missing, I had no idea!

 

Thank you. My pain is over, but it took time.

 

You have a right to be mad as hell right now. You didn't see this coming. And she really has no answer for her actions. She just turns tail and runs into another relationship. That is true CP, mine spoke books of his love for me. His actions never did.

 

It's really difficult to be in a relationship with the CP. You need space right now, and I'm talking days or weeks to review the relationship. You're to close to it right now to understand the dynamic of what is happening. She probably will contact you again...CP's don't believe in NC. They never want to lose you. They always want you there.

 

Have you read any of the CP websites? I would suggest it for your own sake. It was how I realized mine was a CP. He never believed me until months later when he said..."I think I have a problem." Ya think???

 

I do remember my ex saying to me almost 6-years ago when we first started dating..."I think I'm missing something that causes me to be emotionally unavailable." See, he knew there was something wrong with him then but couldn't put his finger on it.

 

Another thing about CP...they will blame you for their fears. You will "supposedly" work though a problem they bring up and then low-n-behold (and the problem is gone) they will bring it up again and you are right back at square one.

 

As the CP websites all say...when you find yourself involved with a CP...RUN from the relationship. There is no saving them, and it will only bring you heartache.

[Diver012]

Been there done that. My CP x contacted me today wondering if I would fix her laptop. Since we work together, and things are still awkward, I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to ease some of the tension. It has been since May when we broke up so enough time has past and im over it for the most part.

 

But the mind plays tricks on you. There are still feelings here. Im starting to think maybe this nice gesture isnt such a good idea. I can't do No Contact because of work, but I can reset my boundries. I never did work on her Laptop and im thinking I wont. Shes a big girl, she'll figure it out.

 

In any case, Run! Run far away. I read a book called He's Scared She's scared. Exellent Read. It really helped me put this in its proper place. I highly Recommend it.

[jgbronc]

Thanks for all of the input. The funny thing is that there is part of me that hopes what she told me is true. That something was missing from the relationship rather than believe she is a true CP. That way, with time and distance, maybe she will realize that she has made a mistake and want me back. Pathetic I know, but the heart is hard to break. But the more I look at everything she has done and said, the more I know that she is afraid of commitment. She also has physical symptoms. She has been going to several doctors because she has dizzy spells and gets lightheaded. Some of the classic symptoms of CP are dizziness, feeling lightheaded, nausea, trembling and shaking. She has all of these. Funny, all of her doctors cant find any thing wrong with her. See what I am getting at? I know this just happened to me and I am too close. Part of me hopes I never hear from her again and part of me wants her to call sometime.

[Sand&Water]

Jgbronc,

 

Question: Were there evident red flags throughout the progression of the relationship?

 

I think, if you were given the right tools, you could have avoided this catastrophe.

 

You were not convincing enough for her. Perhaps, you should have engrained it in stone.

[jgbronc]

First off, we met online. When we started talking on the phone before our first physical meeting, we would talk for hours. That was different. I have met women online before and usually its a few 10-15 minute conversations and then you agree to meet somewhere. During our talks, she told me of her past. Two total relationships. A 4 year relationship that saw her boyfriend ditch her when she fell violently ill. The next was her 10 year marriage. He was not a good husband-ran around on her and was physically abusive. After we had been dating for 1 month, she calls me out of the blue to tell me she needs some time. Said if she didn't have the time, she would just run. So 5 days of nc and she finally called back. Ever since then, everything has been normal. Then 3 days before we broke up, we got into our first fight. She said she couldn't explain why she had been so irritable over the last few days and wasn't saying it had anything to do with me. Obviously it did.

[jgbronc]

Sand & Water

 

What do you mean I was not convincing enough! I was ready to buy her an engagement ring and she knew it, it was the one she wanted. Also had a realtor lined up to sell my house so that we could move in together. All of this added up to me to be bringing too much pressure onto her emotionallly.

[Sand&Water]

Jgbronc,

 

Alright. Sounds fair to the majority of people. Plenty of hope, an engagement ring, a life together, a new home. But, not her. Do you see my point.

 

You thought these items and hopes would establish a future and convince her. I do see where you are coming from. Yet, she does not view the case at hand in this mode of action.

 

Correct me if I am wrong. I think she needed your inner voice, your inner feelings to do the talking. She needed much more from you to convince her. That is how it would have been engrained.

 

I believe, a commitment phobic, like her requires a great amount of time, and reassurance.

[alphamale]

So I am writing to tell you all never to get involved with someone with this disorder.

there is nothing wrong with her. It is you that screwed up here.

[jgbronc]

Okay, fair enough. But lets examine the facts. For one thing, don't lie to me. Don't tell me for 2 months that you love me and then turn around and say I only love the idea of you. Second, i did, in my opinion engrain how I felt about her by telling her how I truly felt. And most importantly, have some balls. If you are gonna break up with me, fine so be it-but thru an email! That is the lowest of low. I understand where you are coming from. Maybe she is not CP. Maybe we just weren't meant to be and thats fine. But to find out the way I did is simple BS.

[jgbronc]

Alphamale- please elaborate. How did I screw up?

[norajane]

Alphamale- please elaborate. How did I screw up?

 

You believed her when she told you she loved you after one month of knowing you. You're a romantic, right? Non-romantics don't believe it when someone says I love you that fast, and certainly not when they're talking about marriage that fast. Love develops over time - it's not instant. Whatever she felt wasn't love, and that you believed it was love was naive, at the very least.

[alphamale]

Alphamale- please elaborate. How did I screw up?

1. you fell in "love" in three months
   
2. you became too close with her and her daughter way too soon
   
3. you gave her a diamond necklace after 3 months (WTF?!)
   
4. you did not treat her badly and were not a challenge
   
5. you did not let her chase you

[Diver012]

Jgbronc,

 

Alright. Sounds fair to the majority of people. Plenty of hope, an engagement ring, a life together, a new home. But, not her. Do you see my point.

 

You thought these items and hopes would establish a future and convince her. I do see where you are coming from. Yet, she does not view the case at hand in this mode of action.

 

Correct me if I am wrong. I think she needed your inner voice, your inner feelings to do the talking. She needed much more from you to convince her. That is how it would have been engrained.

 

I believe, a commitment phobic, like her requires a great amount of time, and reassurance.

 

There are many types of CP personalities. Each scenario can play out anywhere from Months to even years. Gifts, and rings, and houses really have nothing to do with anything.

 

I kept my CP ex at bay for months. I told her I didn't like clingy women. I told her I was tired of hearing women tell my they loved me after 2 weeks of dating. I told her I would not marry someone after only knowing them a few months or even a year. Call me strange but I have a 2 year rule. The more I kept her at arms length, the more she wanted me. It was only after 3 months, on Valentines day to be exact, when I got a letter telling me how important I was to her, and how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, did I fall. It was basically downhill from there.

 

Its only after they have WON the prize, does the fear of commitment set in. Now that they have this person in their life, what now? Is this really what she wants? What if theres someone better? This is when the fear sets in and they start looking for a way out. A lot of CP's start nit picking. You dont do this right, ect... Suddenly you go from being this wonderfully important person, to a flawed and unlovable moron. Atleast thats how my Ex made me feel.

 

Read Hes Scared, Shes Scared. It talks about the difference between active CP's and passive CP's The different levels and types of CP behavior. Events like moving in together, getting engaged or even getting married can set it off.

 

I dont think theres anything that Jgbronc could have done would have changed the outcome. It may have prolonged it, but from what you describe, it was over before it began.

 

A CP relationship is one of the hardest to get over because you are left with so many unanswered questions.

[Sand&Water]

Jgbronc,

 

She loved the idea of you. She said that!

 

Well that explains it. She did love the idea of you. Not because she was foolish, but because she choose to accept the truth -or rather the twisted truth.

 

She created an idea of you in her head. She filled in all the blank areas, that you were lacking. She enjoyed the 'new image of you'. She couldn't bare to have an incomplete partner, so she fulfilled her life by improving your image.

 

In the end, she gave up on the idea. She just told you, she was not in love with you anymore.

 

Throughout all this, you pushed your way into the game. You took advantage of the time. You rushed things. In the end, you couldn't accept the way she delivered the e-mail. Telling you by e-mail was not BS. You didn't give time.

[UnknowingOW]

Alpha???? Come on?

[jgbronc]

I think some of you have never dated a CP. I understand about the whole I gave her a diamond necklace after only 3 months thing. What you have to understand is that she was the one coming on strong-talking about kids, marriage, and a home together. This is classic CP behavior. They invent it in their minds thinking that if they think that way that they wont get scared. And because of this, the time thing is not a factor. You are on a different time scale. Things happen very, very fast because they are the ones pushing and you think that they are really into you. I know its hard to understand but until you are personally involved, you won't.

[norajane]

I think some of you have never dated a CP. I understand about the whole I gave her a diamond necklace after only 3 months thing. What you have to understand is that she was the one coming on strong-talking about kids, marriage, and a home together. This is classic CP behavior. They invent it in their minds thinking that if they think that way that they wont get scared. And because of this, the time thing is not a factor. You are on a different time scale. Things happen very, very fast because they are the ones pushing and you think that they are really into you. I know its hard to understand but until you are personally involved, you won't.

 

No, actually, you don't have to be on their timetable. You allowed it to happen because you totally bought into it because you wanted to.

[alphamale]

Things happen very, very fast because they are the ones pushing and you think that they are really into you.

and in that situation, JGBRONC, its your job to slow it way down. And you did not do that, did you?

[UnknowingOW]

Diver hit it perfectly. I'm really removed from my relationship with my CP. He calls once in a while, but he doesn't suck me into the "thought" of a future any longer.

 

CP love the chase, and after it's over they generally become distance and unreliable. When they sense you are pushing away, they will say anything to pull you back.

 

The beginning relationship with most CP is fast and furious. They want you, they need you, you are the one for them...and it's a very short time span of when all this occurs.

 

I am a 2-year kinda of person. I didn't buy into the fact my CP wanted to marry me 3-months into our relationship. And I had to wait and see if his actions were true. When I accepted the actions of his words, I was involved hook, line, and sinker.

 

That's when the real fun begins. This was around the second year. They become bored, complacent, and aloof. They find fault in everything you do...everything in the relationship. When you try to work on the problems, and think you've gotten past them, they come back or a whole new set of other crap comes up.

 

I was ready to walk when the engagement ring was given. I had thought through counseling his fears and CP had changed. I was completely wrong. Have you ever tried to plan a wedding and prepare a home for a marriage when the other person is mortified to do so? IT DOESN'T WORK.

 

Sand, there is no amount of reasoning or giving of your time and support to a CP. They think they hear you, the acknowledge what you are saying and they want to change, but ultimately they cannot.

 

It's a sad life. I listen to my ex every few weeks say he loves me and wants to be with me but...

 

And for a CP, they are basically a functioning person which accepts anything given to them and is unwilling to change any aspect of their life, even if there life is in a terrible place. Change invokes fear, and fear casuses them to never change and become miserable over time.

[jgbronc]

Alright, I see the point on the time thing to a degree. But if someone is that interested in you, always wanting to talk about a future with you, its hard to just slam the brakes on.