CP broke my heart

[jgbronc]

Do all CPs always try and keep you in their lives or do they move on as well?

[UnknowingOW]

LOL...mine just called! LOL

 

Mine walked away from all of his other relationships...I seem to be the one he has a problem letting go of. I let go over a year ago.

 

I consider him a friend now; who always has a problem. But, I do not talk with him daily.

[jgbronc]

unknowingOW,

 

You are too strong. I couldn't do it. I know that time heals all wounds but in my own case I can't even think about talking to her again. Guess I hope that she doesn't ever call. Would make things easier on both parties. Right about now, she is getting home and picking up the bag that I left. I would love to know her feelings. I can't believe that this is not having an effect on her.

[UnknowingOW]

Not strong at all...just knowledgable. Plus he lives 900-miles away, so we had a LTR and a CP (mind you I was living in the same town when we started dating for a year)

 

I've already gone through the pain of a CP relationship. It was when I removed myself completely that I began to heal. It's what you have to do.

 

Get out of your house tonight. Don't take your cellphone and go to a movie or dinner with friends.

[jgbronc]

I am actually lucky, I have to work @ 10pm tonight so that will help get me out of this rut. I have been off the last two days so have had nothing to do but analyze everything. My parents were coming into town the first week in October to meet her so I had to tell them that they are still welcome but will not be meeting her. Like I said, this is difficult. I know you went thru it and made it and I know I will too. Just don't understand the whole thing yet. Guess I never will.

[UnknowingOW]

Since your timespan was short, think of it like buying some clothes.

 

You've taken it home.

 

You've tried it on and it's ok.

 

Over time you find out it wasn't quite what you thought it would be.

 

Take it back to the store or donate it to Goodwill!

[jgbronc]

Hey thanks for all of your input. Sorry you went through this but you will find someone and I know I will too. I'll just put it in the back of my mind for future relationships. Don't get too close, too fast.

[UnknowingOW]

Yep! Dating Hiatus!!!!!!!!!

[Diver012]

Yep! Dating Hiatus!!!!!!!!!

 

Yeah buddy!

 

From my research, and experience, most CP's rarely come back. If they do, its because of strict NC, but it doesnt last.

 

Im getting my head srewed on straight right now so the last thing I need is another relationship. TO top all this off, I work with my CP. Brilliant!!!

[jgbronc]

Man Diver, that is brutal. You actually work together. Sorry to hear that. I am hoping you are right. Dont want to have any contact with her.

[alphamale]

Just don't understand the whole thing yet. Guess I never will.

I already explained it to you earlier in the thread. What exactly did you not understand?

[MagnoliaJane]

Diver and JgBronc,

 

You sound like strong people. I know I'm strong too, but just don't seem to be able to "put it behind me like that". I dated a Cp for one and a half years, and he's broken up with me twice. I feel crushed, depressed and angry. I tell myself everyday "it isn't worth it", but then miss him in everything I do. The way we broke up is just so.... unreal. He brought dinner over, so we first had dinner, then he told me about his decision and how important it is for him to stick to his defense mechanism of running away. I felt so speechless bc this was the 2nd time. Even more speechless bc when we dated he told me all about his family and over and over again how he's so angry at them for never making any changes (as if he does!) and particularly at his mother and father for never teaching their childred how to solve problems! So, I just assumed, him being smart and all, that he wants it differently for himself.

 

So, knowing all that, I said "don't run away". And then he said something that really hit me. "I already have". So, sitting there, on the sofa, with a man who's not even there anymore in his mind, blank, empty. He hugged me and I really felt one big open space, emptiness, and it felt.... horrible. The blank look in his eyes... It has triggered some nightmarish nights for me...

 

Anyway, yes for nc, yes for all the moving on, yes for fighting yourself out of this... but still I wake up every morning with pain on my chest, and I'm even struggling with eating. There's something "on my stomach" that's not digesting.

 

The past one and a half year my life has centered around him and his problems. Apart from my colleagues at work he's the only person I talked to daily. When traveling for my work we had email contact constantly. He didn't like my female friends and said they were flirts and just looking for men so I stopped meeting them.

 

When we first met and he moved into my life at the speed of light he literally made a bed for me (from wood) and prepared lunch every day. He's a deep thinker, and we were never bored talking or doing things together, whether it was going to the City or withdraw in a remote wilderness spot. This just to say that he sure had a significant space in my life...

 

Bottom line is: moving on is the right rational thing to do, but to move on emotionally is a whole different thing. I know my mind will continue to play painful tricks on me, no matter how nice I dress up, act tough, or try to reconnect with the things I like. I know about the time thing, but there's just this big, empty, scary space in my life from now on.

[jgbronc]

MJ, I am only strong right now bc i have no other choice. For me this is only 3 days old. At least your ex gave you some sense of closure. He was a man about his fear and broke it off face to face. I am going thru 2 stages. By the time I go to bed at night, she is almost out of my mind. And all thoughts of her are unpleasant. Then when I wake up, I feel very similar to you. Hard to sit down and eat, listen to music or anything else that will trigger a memory of her. I also have reevalutated the situation and feel like I had a lot to do with the sudden break up. I moved way too fast for this girl and it scared her away. Now, I am not saying that if we had moved at a snails pace this would not have happened. It probably would have just been a few more months down the road. I am not sure if she is CP or not, but at this point it doesn't matter. I fully expect never to hear from her again and that hurts. But all of my close friends tell me that she will probably have some form of contact in the future. Bc she is a woman, and they feel that over time she will wonder why I haven't called, how my life is, if I am seeing anyone, etc., etc., and be curious. Like i said, part of me is hoping for that, the other part would be just fine to never hear from her again. They also tell me that she is a woman who is scared and confused. She asked me to marry her, let me watch her 8 year old daughter last Thursday for the first time while she worked and said she would never just change her mind about us overnight. So when you add it all up, her saying something has been missing since the beginning just doesn't add up. If you are on the fence, you dont ask someone to marry you for god sakes.

[UnknowingOW]

Yeah buddy!

 

From my research, and experience, most CP's rarely come back. If they do, its because of strict NC, but it doesnt last.

 

Im getting my head srewed on straight right now so the last thing I need is another relationship. TO top all this off, I work with my CP. Brilliant!!!

 

Wow Diver...I would have found a new job if that was the case for me.

 

But you are correct, just like you, I want nothing to do with dating at this time. Heck, it's college ball season, I'd rather spend it with my friends:p then being a drama driven relationship.

 

Maybe it's age too...I thought once you got past 40 the drama quit?

[MagnoliaJane]

jgbronc,

 

Don't know how much that "sense" of closure is worth. We work at the same place and we still have stuff to give back to each other (but I f****g don't want to give any sign of life!). I do see where your comment is coming from, but I don't feel there has been closure. Otherwise I wouldn't be posting here, right?

 

So, UnknowingOW, what has given you the strength to move on? Knowledge about Cp? Being too exhausted too deal with it any further? Losing hope about that particular person without losing happiness in general? I mean, how do you turn your brain off (without drugs off course)? Saying "oh poor him, he's so messed up nothing can be expected from him" isn't very respectful either bc it reduces somebody to a patient.

 

Brrr... I sooooo much like to be rational (I'm a scientist for ***** sake) but I can't and this nc thing is a good way to keep my pride and image up but doesn't help me deal with it.

 

Being angry is good to continue with the nc, but anger keeps you stuck in the same, empty place all the time. Anger is what prevents someone from moving on.

 

Magnolia

[UnknowingOW]

Magnolia I am sorry you are going through this. It was after beating my head into a wall over a millions times that I finally got it. And my best friends giving me back my own advise which I had given her many years ago..."you'll leave when you are ready to leave, and not a moment sooner." We are all human...we have to run the gamit of emotions to process things. Emotions process on their own time, but with our help.

 

You cannot turn off your brain, but you can engaged in other activities to distract yourself. (I find this works best for me). The worst thing for me is when I have nothing on my plate...it gives me to much time to think about the bad things instead of focusing on good things; like self-improvement via working towards my MBA, ballroom and Latin dancing, being stung by 15-yellow jackets in my garden...lol.

 

The point is, keep your mind and body occuppied on other things, that is the only way for the brain not to think about the situation.

 

I've read so much about CP and knew my xfin would never change. He truly is a sad man at all times, but that is not my problem. He knows he's got this problem but is unwilling to change.

 

Why should you stay angry? What benefit do you gain from it? What value does anger bring into your life? NOTHING!

 

It's okay to be angry, but you had no control over this.

 

You have to let it go, and forgive him for his inability to follow through with the relationship. Know you did the best you could under the circumstances.

[jgbronc]

@ times like these, two phrases come to mind. 1) If its meant to be, it will be and 2)That which does not kill me makes me stronger! Cliche I know but cliches are around for a reason. As I have said in previous posts, we are all looking for answers and comfort and the only thing that can give us that is time. Time does heal all wounds. I have to say that for those who have never been involved with someone who is afraid of commitment, it truly is something that cannot be understood. For me the signs were there. When she talked about the future, I should have slowed things down. But hind sight is 20/20. Its so easy to believe that someone wants you that Much. They call, text and think about you all the time. You feel like if you don't reciprocate, you are letting them down. I had no idea (since my own experience lasted 3 months) that this could go on for years. When I think of it like that, I guess that if she truly is CP bc of her past, she is doing me a favor. Let me also say, don't go away. Bc if she contacts me, I will be back to get advice on what in the hell to do.

[UnknowingOW]

If ya'll have any questions; you can PM me anytime.

 

-Unk

[MagnoliaJane]

UnknowingOW,

 

[The point is, keep your mind and body occuppied on other things, that is the only way for the brain not to think about the situation].

 

Yes, but as a woman, we can keep mind and body occupied with other things, AND be thinking about the past relationship all the time as well. So it's not "or...or", it's "and...and". I've got enough work to keep myself intellectually busy for the next 3 years so it's not I don't know what to do... It's just the underlying sadness that is always there now, the meaninglessness of all this...

 

When he was about to walk out my front door I said "I wish I could say something positive about all this" and he answered "you'll figure out what to say to me".

 

The truth is: I cannot figure out anything to say. Or yes, maybe something, a question: what does this say about US? I read somewhere that people who connect to a Cp is because they themselves are afraid of commitment. Ugh?

 

Magnolia

[alphamale]

I read somewhere that people who connect to a Cp is because they themselves are afraid of commitment. Ugh?

thats pretty true, MJ

[MagnoliaJane]

alphamale,

 

Could you please elaborate more about that?

 

Magnolia

[UnknowingOW]

Alpha that is not true or marriage would have never came into my life in my past. Now, granted the issues from my previous marriage may have something to do with finding a partner now, but counseling has gotten me past that.

 

Magnolia, I agree that it's difficult to keep your mind off your heart when your heart is in pain. And I like you have enough work to keep me intellectually busy for 2-years as well, and that's not even counting grad school...that's just work.

 

Maybe it also has to do with when your mind is ready to accept there are no solutions to the questions. My job is heavily based in finding the solutions to questions through analysis. But, emotions aren't the same as data and have their own lifespan. When you are ready to move ahead; when you are ready to get on with your life...you will; an not a moment sooner.

 

Think about this. Is it worth feeling terrible about him? He's gone and you are left hold his baggage. Your life is to precious to allow his issues to cause you pain. There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can say. It just is. It's Ockham's Razor...all things being equal, the simplest answer is the right answer.

[MagnoliaJane]

UnknowingOW:

 

I guess part of the despair might come from the realization that someone's "coping mechanism aka exit plan" is more important than you, a living creature, another human being. And also, to be left, in the end, with the thought that the "negative" mastered the "positive". Why do little negative aspects of a relationships count double for a Cp? It's as if they blow things up and can not put them in perspective. A disagreement is automatically a fight, every comment is always personal, it's ok for them to switch between being warm and cold, but when you do that they throw it back at you. Are they able to feel any empathy at all? D. would say "I'm sorry you feel this or that", or would take it personal, but there was no variation to this.

 

Somehow I feel like I caused the breakup. Bc it came in response to something I had told him about myself and my feelings of fear about men in general that lead to the reaction "I won't touch you anymore". Totally out of context. Just an excuse for an easy way out ("because there are always going to be problems") or what (a genuine threat to him? If yes, so why?)? He never asked "why are you saying this, where is it coming from"? He just said "I wasn't doing anything wrong to you", and hence in his mind it seems I had no reason or right to come up with it in the first place.

 

I feel there's no logic to it at all, except maybe this, we can talk about all kinds of problems as long as they are other people's problems. Not OUR problems. Nothing too personal.

 

Jgbronc, were you able to tell something about yourself at all? Was there empathy in your relationship, I mean by that more empathy than the standard phrase "I'm so sorry" which is a really nice way to start a conversation but not when it represents the end of the conversation at the same time.

 

Magnolia

[jgbronc]

MJ- All I can tell you is that I agree 110% with what you said- the CP would rather listen to the negatives than the positives. 4 weeks into our relationship, her friend called me and said that she didn't like the way I dressed. She thought I wasn't casual enough. So her friend told me to keep my shirt untucked, to maybe wear some flip flops and just be more casual. It didn't really bother me but it bothered her. Well when I started to dress differently, everything was fine for a while. But then, she started to get this "feeling" again that something was wrong. You see, they always look for things to nit pick because it gives them an excuse to bale. What bothers me is that there is no reasoning that we can apply to fix it. The bottom line is, they are the only ones who can fix it by conquering their fear and really understanding what drives it. Its not enough to say "when i get close to someone i get scared because i don't want to run away". They have to battle that inner demon. From what I understand, CPs do not have a very successful recovery rate. That is why all of the CP websites say run from these people. One more thought on our relationship. Her ex was never there, was at times physically abusive and never there to take an interest in his daughters life. I believe that she liked the idea of me because I was the exact opposite of him. Financially stable and able to take care of myself as well as to show her and her daughter love and affection. She wanted this in her mind but her subconscience was not used to all of the attention. It is my opinion that she will end up alone or with someone who treats her like her ex did-cold and without emotion. That is what she had for 10 years so that is what she expects.

[MagnoliaJane]

Jgbronc:

 

I had to smile about the clothing... When I met D. he said "we'll have to shop for you so ALL your clothes will be 100% cotton, artificial fibers are not so nice to the touch". I thought then "what's wrong with my clothes?", but I guess he was into me then and trying to make us as much alike as possible. Again everything or nothing there...

 

Cp is also very much about C as in Control I think. In control of the situation. Or totally out of Control (as in alcoholic and totally in debt). I have to admit I don't understand very well the in control - out of control part in Cps. When I met him he was surely out of control, but also able to show more vulnerability. Then he radically stopped drinking because I had pointed out to him it was a problem and as a result he became more distant and controlling - I guess his fears must have become more intense perhaps? No idea actually. I once told him "to stop drinking is the beginning not the end of this problem", boy that made him pissed at me. He would always send mixed signals ("nobody's interested in me" or "stop analyzing me"). Bottom line is I always failed to do the right thing.

 

Jgbronc, does your ex gf have a very unstable emotional past (how many other people did she run from?)? Any substance abuse? Desire to "numb" feelings". Did you do a lot of listening and talking during your relationship?

 

Magnolia