Author jgbronc Posted September 11, 2006 Author Share Posted September 11, 2006 MJ- No, didn't ask her to call back. Told her that she could call me anytime and said sorry it didn't work out. Wished her and her daughter well and told her that I was no longer angry. It was a short message but I thought if she was feeling queezy about the way she broke up, it could help her call. Also thought that if she called right back that that would indicate that she was truly in harmony with her decision to end it. So you see where I am? I am sitting here night after night wondering how she is doing, is she thinking about me, us? Or is she going on about her daily life and not even thinking about me. Dont get me wrong, I am staying busy. But at this point, I can never call back or email. I did my part. And if a week turns into a month and so on, then I guess that will be my closure. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 11, 2006 Share Posted September 11, 2006 Jgbronc, I don't understand. You found the courage to call but then didn't ask her to respond to any of the questions that are haunting you? What did you have to loose (besides your pride, I know that...). Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 11, 2006 Author Share Posted September 11, 2006 I know she is hurting. Didn't want to push my luck I guess. Also wanted her to feel like I am moving on. Trying not to let on that I am being bothered too much by this. And if I do ever talk to her again, it will not be to disect what has happened. I met her on a dating website. When we started dating, we cancelled our memberships. I reactivated my account in the hope that she sees it and will, 1)be hurt and 2)think that I am truly moving on. So there is some psychological warfare going on. Dont know what I am getting out of it but we shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 I understand nut meanwhile you are sitting there with burning questions. Not very fair to yourself I'd say. She is hurting but YOU are hurting to. Besides, you are not the one who has caused hurt, did you? The thing with these relationships is that we end up pushing ourselves away, over and over again. What I am doing now, is trying to "take myself back", mentally. Not for him, but for me. He only thought about himself when he broke up with me. He's hurt, she's hurt. Well yes, but everybody's hurt. There's no way to take care of them. D for instance, doesn't want to. In my "relationship" with him there have been beautiful moments. Astonishing moments. But there has been a lot of hurt too. And it's the hurt that goes on. LWII sings something lik "I hardly remember the good times, heaven's so vague. But I remember the battles, oh how they raged". I'm just trying to joke now. Remember, when he was about to walk out the door I said "I would like to say something positive that has come out of all this". Yep, there's something positive. I'm still alive. And I will try to be more me instead of less me. With D. it was less me. At least nobody's judging me now (or someone might be) but I won't know. I've won that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 hasty typing leads to typos I understand but meanwhile you are sitting there with burning questions. Not very fair to yourself I'd say. She is hurting but YOU are hurting too. Besides, you are not the one who caused hurt, did you? Not intentionally anyway. And how can you prevent what you don't know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 MJ-my questions can never be answered. I know that. Let me explain. When I met her, she had said she didn't want to have children. She had closed her mind to any possibility of meeting anyone and figured it would be her and her daughter only for the rest of her life. A month of dating later and she told me that I had turned her around. That I had opened that door back up. That she wanted to not only have a child, but MY child. She wanted me to experience it (I have no children) and she wanted me to be everything her ex wasn't in the child raising experience. Are those just words, hun? That I could evoke that emotion, that kind of life change was an incredible feeling to me. And it made me fall even harder for her. Then we talked about buying a home together (she would send me listings of homes that she liked). To go from that to an explanation of "there is just something missing"! defys logic. And so if she were to call back and I were to ask what is missing, she wouldnt be able to answer that question. So I have accepted that I can't change her mind and don't want to. ONLY SHE CAN DO THAT !!! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 To go from that to an explanation of "there is just something missing"! defys logic. Women don't think or act logically most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Alpha, I am curious. You always have advice that is very short and to the point. Do you think that people can split, get back together and find happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Do you think that people can split, get back together and find happiness? It can happen but is quite rare. Usually it happens when there is some major life altering change in one or both parties. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 alpha, isn't it a bit reductionist to state that women don't think or act logical most of the time? A little machista too. I know several women who are capable of being emotional and logical at the same time. Hysteria or neurosis are not gender-related either. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 alpha, isn't it a bit reductionist to state that women don't think or act logical most of the time? women are led mainly by "feelings" and "emotions", both of which are not based in objectivity. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Jgbronc, So you have those burning questions but know they can't be answered? That's a real dilemma. How do you think of solving that dilemma (other than waiting one week, one month, two months....?). Isn't that being cruel with yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 There's a rational basis for emotions: the brain center that regulates emotions (accumbens) is connected to the major integrative circuit (neocortex) as well. Hence women are capable of parallel processing... Emotions have an underlying reason. They don't just drop out of the sky... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 MJ- I take comfort in knowing that my questions will be answered in this way. Never hear from her and she was someone I would never want to end up with anyway. Just run, run, run. No thanks. If she calls it will go one of two ways. She will be calling bc she has something to say. Whether it is good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Wow - that's patient. Admire you for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 And everyone I know seems to think she will call. Based on everything that I have told you here and based on our last 5 day break. But I have my doubts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Either way, I will get my answer. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 since this is about love I will cite the master (S.): "If you can wait and not be tired by waiting" Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 MJ-that pretty much says it. Good quote. But as you can see, i have been put in this situation. So I will play the hand dealt me and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 ok. As you know, we're here. Take it day by day. Keep posting. MJ Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Hi, sorry for the delay. I've been at out to dinner and then hit the gym for an hour. And to answer your questions...OH YEAH, I'm over him. I couldn't talk to him for a long time. He is a nice guy, caring, blah, blah, blah, but his actions never proved him. I'll always care, but I would never become involved with him like that again. And even though he cannot help his actions at least counseling has done some good...He also apologizes frequently for everything he has done to me, and also taken responsibilty as to the failure of our relationship. He pushed me away to many time, so much so that I did something I had never done in my life...I cheated on him with 2-men from my past. I told him each time because I had never in my 42-year had ever cheated on someone I had loved. Although I really don't count the 2nd on as cheating because we were over by then. I know RIGHT were you are regarding being his object. My xCP never called me by my name...a nickname, and to be quite honest everyone hated it. It dawned on my a long time ago he use a nickname to dissocate himself from me. I was his object, not a person with feelings. I point this out to him. I also pointed out he had nicknamed every woman he had dating and everyone one of his friends had nicknames. They think by showering you with such love and attention that you will not see the real person behind the show. As long as you see the one, you will not see the untouchable person behind the mask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgbronc Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 MJ-This may be my last post. To be honest, I think I need to take some time and get away from all of the analyzing and thinking. Last night a very good female friend of mine told me that my ex sounded scared out of her mind! Told me to swallow my pride and call her. Said if I wanted this woman in my life to put it all out there. It was hard but i did. I left a message that stated i cared for her, was scared like she was and didn't want her to exit my life without talking to me first. I told her that I wanted to meet her out in public without her daughter around and talk to her. I felt good about the message and wanted her to know that it was important to me to at least talk to her about everything. Today when I got home from work she had sent me an email. It sounded like her life was in total chaos. Her daughter has caused her to miss some days at work due to illness, her boss is pissed at her, etc., etc., The message seemed kind of emotionless and said nothing of my voicemail the previous night. Like she was telling me that there was no room in her life for me. So i sent her an email that said i was sorry to hear about her daughter, asked if the email was really meant for me (i didn't expect to hear from her) and told her she sounded very stressed! Her next response simply said JUST A LITTLE! I responded by saying that I was sorry and had never meant to be a distraction. Her final email message said "I dont know how to make you understand this. You were never a distraction. There is nothing that you did or for even that matter didn't do." It suddenly hit me. Like a hammer. I have been looking at things I could have done differently or things that I could change. There is NOTHING that I can do! Its all her. She is the only one who can change that. I figured after all of the emailing that on her ride home from work she would maybe get the courage to call. But she did not. My final act of kindness was to send her a text message that simply said goodbye and if she ever feels like this was the wrong decision, to call me. It does sting a bit, but I have closure. I am not waiting for her to call or expecting an email from her. As for the pain, time will only tell. Thanks to all who responded in my time of need. Hard to believe that someone could spend all of this time and still be afraid to see me again or even pick up the phone! Guess that is how some people deal with loss. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 jgb...I am sorry. But you just got was the closure you needed. Don't concern yourself with her anymore. There is no point in focusing any more engery or emotions. Good luck out there...it is truly a difficult world to find love. Hugs -Unk Link to post Share on other sites
Diver012 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 MJ-This may be my last post. To be honest, I think I need to take some time and get away from all of the analyzing and thinking. Last night a very good female friend of mine told me that my ex sounded scared out of her mind! Told me to swallow my pride and call her. Said if I wanted this woman in my life to put it all out there. It was hard but i did. I left a message that stated i cared for her, was scared like she was and didn't want her to exit my life without talking to me first. I told her that I wanted to meet her out in public without her daughter around and talk to her. I felt good about the message and wanted her to know that it was important to me to at least talk to her about everything. Today when I got home from work she had sent me an email. It sounded like her life was in total chaos. Her daughter has caused her to miss some days at work due to illness, her boss is pissed at her, etc., etc., The message seemed kind of emotionless and said nothing of my voicemail the previous night. Like she was telling me that there was no room in her life for me. So i sent her an email that said i was sorry to hear about her daughter, asked if the email was really meant for me (i didn't expect to hear from her) and told her she sounded very stressed! Her next response simply said JUST A LITTLE! I responded by saying that I was sorry and had never meant to be a distraction. Her final email message said "I dont know how to make you understand this. You were never a distraction. There is nothing that you did or for even that matter didn't do." It suddenly hit me. Like a hammer. I have been looking at things I could have done differently or things that I could change. There is NOTHING that I can do! Its all her. She is the only one who can change that. I figured after all of the emailing that on her ride home from work she would maybe get the courage to call. But she did not. My final act of kindness was to send her a text message that simply said goodbye and if she ever feels like this was the wrong decision, to call me. It does sting a bit, but I have closure. I am not waiting for her to call or expecting an email from her. As for the pain, time will only tell. Thanks to all who responded in my time of need. Hard to believe that someone could spend all of this time and still be afraid to see me again or even pick up the phone! Guess that is how some people deal with loss. I did the same thing, a little differently, but got the exact same results. I asked my Ex for closure, and got the door slammed in my face. I wasnt interested after the way things ended in a reconcilation, I just wanted to know why, so I could deal with it and move on. In the end I had to come up with my own closure. The pain does get eaiser to deal with, and eventually it will completely fade. For my birthday this month, I deleted every single letter I wrote but never sent to her. Every poem, all of it is gone forever. That was my present to myself. Thats when I truely said goodbye. Goodluck to yourself. Its not wasted energy if you grew from this... it really isnt. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Jgbronc, I understand that all the analyzing might be a bit too much for you right now, but I still think writing about it is one of the ways that helps healing. Take care, MJ Link to post Share on other sites
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