MagnoliaJane Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 UnknowingOW, Yesterday I realized how much processing I still have to do... it doesn't end with getting closure. When reading your comment about the mask, I thought back about something he wrote me at the very beginning of our relationship. That he wanted to share everything with me, unedited and reckless, because he hoped that way some of the real "him" would come out, a "him" that wasn't always pretty and that he didn't know so well. At the time it sounded like an attempt to be vulnerable, but now I know that part of him is not about his vulnerable side. It's about the side that lashes out and leaves people. He once also wrote: "that's why I walk away from relationships. Because I know I can't keep my affection to myself". I didn't really understand it then and once again closed my eyes... Why have I taken all these signs so for granted? I am now at the point where I don't trust my own judgment anymore. No - there's still a long way to go. Not bc I would like to dwell in my defeat or wallow in self-pity, but bc I want to make sure I can trust myself next time. MJ Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 MJ, it truly takes a while before all the processing is completed with a CP. It took me almost 2-years and feeling completely nuts...which I might add I hated. Mine used to say "I feel like I'm missing a piece of me which doesn't exist...like I am an emotional cripple; and I don't know how to fix it." I first heard those lines 3-months into our relationship. I'd never heard someone say that before, so cheerleader me kicked in and tried to overcompenstate for his defencies. It didn't work. No amount of cheerleading, counseling, crying, consoling, reassurance...or anything worked. He is still where he was 5-years ago...no where to finding a solution to his problem. He's like the drug user which knows he's got a problem, but does nothing to fix it....sad, very sad. I'm not this kind of person. I engage and try to complete any task and/or goal I set for myself...with the exclusion of smoking because I really want to give it up but never can...which is weird b/c I only smoke 2-3 a day...go figure. And I know what you mean about trusting your judgement where men are concerned. It's why I'm not dating anylonger...not worth the drama. Honestly, the truth is, I try at all times to keep myself occupied by working out, studying, reading, wine groups, ballroom dancing, just anything to: A. Keep me out of my house. B. Keep me engaged in life. C. Not make me think about how lonely it is out there. It's the only way I can function and still feel good about myself. I have a great circle of friends so I know I'm not alone. I have a wonderful family...again, not alone. And my dog is my baby...not alone again. I travel frequenty for work and pleasure. But it's that seeing everyone I know in a loving relationship which makes me realize daily I am missing something significant in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 UnknowingOW, My whole support system (friends, parents, two cats who are my babies) is on the other side of the ocean. I moved to NYC beginning of 2005 for my carreer and met him 3 days later. I was so happy with the helping hand and all the attention I got from him, being new here and thinking I've met a true friend... Now, one a half years later, the realization that no-one's around here, hits me triple. At first I really wanted to quit and go back home. But my job's so rare and I've worked so hard to get where I am now (this is my 3rd post-doc), that walking away from this would be professional suicide. So, I am hanging in there. But it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I don't have the same passion for my research anymore, as much as I hate to confess this... MJ Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I had met my CP when I moved to Connecticut, and I was completely alone there too. I remember crying everyday and wanting to come back home. But, I had just finished college and this was my 1st real job, so like you going home would have been professional suicide. It takes time to get past this, and no one knows how long because it's different for each person. I can also tell you I was balls-deep in projects for the last year, and there were times my personal life tried taking over my professional life. I don't know how I got though it all but I did. Good Luck MJ. I know it's hard now, but time is the only thing which will help you get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Well, during lunch time I went outside and was just about to push a glass door as I saw him coming up the stairs from outside on the other side. He was with a colleague, talking and had a smile on his face. My whole body screamed stop and run, and I just turned around and walked towards another (side) door to get out that way. It's horrible. I hardly can even breath for god's sake, let alone sit here behind my desk and function. I can ran into him at work at any time. I will never be able to relax. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 You work in the same building? Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 yes pretty much so (it's a large building though). Luckily not on the same floor! We live in the same area as well - supermarket, laundrymat, bakeries are all common space. Today I wasn't ready for this. I'm having a bad day. Then, to see him, gave me a plain panic attack. I've closed my office door and have been sitting here breathing like a maniac. I'm allright again now and opened the door again. Hope nobody walks in to see my red and swollen eyes. Will this ever get better? Maybe in a year or so, but in the meantime? Will I not be able to function? My day feels pretty ruined. My heart's still racing, my head's pounding. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I am sorry. I know having my CP many miles away made it somewhat more reasonable. But I've been right where you are...although my best friends came strolling into my home and caught me crying and looking like death. That was about the end of it the rollercoaster emotionally for me. I hated my friends seeing me in that state...I must have looked like a mad woman. It WILL get better. That's why you have to do things outside of work, b/c they help to get past the emotions. You'll function with work because you have to to much to risk if you don't. Get some cold water and take some deep breaths that will help right now. Or get up and walk around for a bit thinking about anything except for him. You have to force yourself into that mind set. Everytime he pops up push it back and think of something joyful in your life in or in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 UnknowingOW, I do see your point of doing things outside work. I try a little. But somehow they don't help me deal with this. I may think I'm ok, but then something like today happens and I am not ok at all. I mean, this panic attacks... It's the second time now. Just seeing him puts me in this state of paralysis (the first time - I couldn't move) or panick (running away). I sneak out of the building in the evening, I only start walking the work in the morning after a certain time. I visit the supermarket when it's the least likely he will be there. I so much want this man out of my life. Yet my own mind keeps tricking me. I'm so angry at myself for getting this panick attack today. I'm so angry for not pushing through the door with a smile on MY face. Link to post Share on other sites
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 That is normal...the panic when you see them. To be honest, if he was you he was going though a panic attack too. Don't beat yourself up over this incident though. It's bound to happen when you work in the same building. Think of it this way, the next time you see him put on that big smile and hold your head up and act like you don't even see him. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyT Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 I hate to say it but i have been in a similar situation... I had broken up with someone i really loved because he was treating me terribly. Anyway i met a fantastic guy and in a whirlwind we went away on holidays together and he brought me beautiful things and basically kept hinting at marrying me. He was so sweet and lovely, but i didn't feel i could give him my heart so i ended it after a few monts cos the guilt was killing me. I wanted the lifestyle he could offer me and i enjoyed his company alot but he didnt have my heart and thats that. end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
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